[T&T]

I am hoping that some of you might be able to help me. We have a 9 year old bio. daughter "M" who adores our "newly home" 19 month old Guatemala cutie. "M" is sooooo excited to finally be a big sister and she is wonderful in that role. The girls adore each other. Problem is that some of the kids at school have been teasing her that her new sister is Hispanic (this from one kid who is of Hispanic hertiage herself!!) and not really her sister, etc. etc. etc. You know how cruel kids can be. We have talked about how families are formed in all sorts of way and that her new sister is definitely her sister and our daughter in the ways that count. We have talked and talked about all of this, but it still upsets her when the kids start on her little sister.

I am sure that there are others out that have dealt with this and I sure would like to hear from you. Give me some good ideas as to how to equip "M" with some good kid appropriate responses so that she could use when they start picking on her sister.

You should also know that "M" is a very sensitive child who has does not have a mean bone in her body, hence she has a really hard time understanding why people would be so mean. She also has a hard time standing up for herself, which of course makes her an easy target. Help me empower my loving 9 year old!

Thanks in advance
T.

[hml1976]

Yuck, I'm so sorry. Honestly if this is happening at school I would bring it to someone's attention, racist language is taken very seriously by schools.

[annaguat]

My Guatemalan DS, now 19, used to put it this way. "Haven't you heard of adoption?" with a DUHhhhh sound and face to it. Anna

[EZ2Luv]

I used to have a great comeback whenever adoption was mentioned as a child. I would just tell them that "I was Selected, you were expected" Isn't it great that asiblings get to choose who their siblings will be? That used to stop other kids in their tracks. I am sorry your daughter is experiencing this.

EZ

[hml1976]

I know an adult adoptee who used to say something to the effect of "did you know that most babies born in the US are accidents? My parents chose me but chances are you were an oops..."
Its pretty mean though!

[angieandstever]

If I understand this correctly your bio daughter age 9 is being teased because she has a sister who was born in Guatemala and is hispanic right age 19 months? She loves her sister a lot and this isn't the issue. She just gets upset because others tease her about her sister.

This is a hard one if you ask me. I am not sure what you can do but continue to reinforce how wonderful it is that they are sisters and regardless of her race or where she was born they are sisters period. I am not sure if there is anything she can say to this children to make them stop and understand her. Have you considered talking to their parents?

I would just keep doing what you are doing and encourage her to ignore them. Sorry I am not much help.

[T&T]

Yes "M" has no problem with the fact that her sister was born in Guatemala, to her that's just the way it is. She has accepted dh completely from day one. The problem comes when other kids tease her about it. Wish I could think of a way to give her thicker skin.

T.

[JustBarbara]

I'm not sure it is worth calling in the authorities so to speak. I have a sister who is mentally handicapped and we got teased all the time about her. How about something along the lines of "Yes, it's a shame, not everyone can be as happy as I am with my little sister" ... or "No, you don't understand, I think I'm really lucky" ... "Maybe someday I'll let you meet my sister but maybe not". Sorry thinking like a tween.

[JosieWales]

Originally Posted by annaguat

My Guatemalan DS, now 19, used to put it this way. "Haven't you heard of adoption?" with a DUHhhhh sound and face to it. Anna

As a teacher (of teenagers) I can see this one working well.

[crick]

Is there a possibility that you could bring your 19 month old dd to eat lunch with your older dd at school one day? Kids are just dang mean at times but I do find that if you take some of the mystery away or present it right to them in their face, they go "oh...". kwim?

If they see how cute she is and see that their relationship is just like any other sibling group, it won't be so "foreign" to them? Plus, it gives your dd support from you without being seen as a "tattletale" etc.

I would also let the teacher know that it's an issue and perhaps she can do a "lesson" on acceptance & racial tolerance without it personally relating to your dd.

For kids, I find that comebacks don't necessarily work as well as they do on adults. Social cues, maturity levels etc. But if she finds they do work on her peers, she might try asking them "Oh, so you are a racist?? How horrible for you!" or "Oh, I see you know nothing about adoption...I feel so sorry for you!"

I recommend she look them right in the eye and say in a very firm voice "I don't appreciate you talking about my sister that way" and walk away. Or perhaps "I'm sorry you are a racist but that's my sister and you will NOT talk like this in front of me".

Sigh...I hate this age range of 9-12 with kid groups! UGH!

[Disneycrazed]

My cousin's daughter is 12. She just loves Malea and loves saying... "My little couisn" we have been places with her friends there and She will be holding Malea ro something and her friends as well as some other kids have said things such as "where is she from"? why doesn't she look like any of you? that's weird etc....
There have been a few more that are not so nice....
Well my little Cousin has said things such as "she is my cousin don't be mean...... Leave my cousin alone or go home...... You are jealous because your skin is like paste (my favorite)....... She is from this great place called Guatemala, I have pictures want to see??? She loves to talk about Guatemala since she learned some about it from us.
Now these are things she has come up with on her own that we have overheard her say.(Her mother may have said some of these things and helped her also we don't know)

[T&T]

Crick, good suggestions, but some of the kids that are teasing her are her so called "friends" on the bus. Grrrrrrrrr, it's a group of girls that are on again, off again friends who seem to have a mean streaks in them.

As for school, no we are not allowed to go in and have lunch with them. Our school is pretty tight with regard to security. I did try bringing her sister to her class room when I was at the school one day, but I was told that was not a good time, so we didn't to go in.

Keep the suggestions coming everyone!
T.

[crick]

Ah...a "mean girls" situation! Even better. Not. Ugh!
(My dd is almost 11 and in the 5th grade and boy oh boy do I hear ya!)

Can you invite this lovely group over after school or on a weekend? Call their moms and say it's an "impromptu" hang out time for a few hours. You can then have a Guatamalan "tea" party or something fun like that.

Otherwise, it sounds like it'll be a "nice today" "brat tomorrow" until they find something else to talk about. In these situations, I keep reminding my dd to be true to herself and all that other stuff.

Stinks that you can't lunch with her at school!

[krafmatic]

Gotta love this age, huh? (My dd will be 9 soon). I just got a call from a friend who heard the about "the mean girls" making fun of my daughter (behind her back). In the case the subject was that she dresses funny.

Anyways, when my dd got home from school I just asked her how things were at school etc... So far she is oblivious of the "talk". I just reminded her that kids will say mean things from time to time and that she can either 1. ignore it, 2. tell the person how you feel about her statment, or 3. walk away (physically remove yourself). No matter what she chooses to do, she should remember that SHE knows the truth.

I, personally love the: ""Haven't you heard of adoption?" with a DUHhhhh sound and face.

[sak9645]

Your daughter needs to master "the look". You know, the one that says, "What planet are you from?" or "What rock did you crawl out from under?" The one that works great on other tweens, but infuriates parents?

My daughter has a lot of self-confidence in social situations. She handled situations, like boys pulling their eyelids to make fun of her race (she is Chinese), by giving "the look", and it worked beautifully. And when it wasn't quite enough, she would add something like, "Who pushed the Dumb-O button?" or, indeed, "What planet did you fall off?"

Normally, I don't like sarcasm or nasty remarks, but I thought that Becca handled these racially charged situations beautifully. She made the teasers feel as if THEY were the odd ones, not her, and she rarely got teased, as a result.

My daughter wound up being the protector of another Asian girl, who was not so self-confident, and who would cry or ask to go to the principal to report teasing incidents. I was proud of her for sticking up for this girl and showing her tools that would help to scare off the teasers.

Now that Becca is 13, I HATE "the look", because it usually means, "Mom, you are an absolute dinosaur. Don't you know that teenagers wouldn't be caught dead wearing THOSE?"

Sharon