[SKL]

OK, my daughters have been home for 15 months. They are now age 2 and 2.25 and are doing great, in general. I just want to bounce some things off you folks in regard to my older DD (A).

"A" took about 2.5 months to "like" me after coming home, and after that, she didn't want anything to do with other regular caregivers. She is fine with friends and relatives, but gets difficult when someone other than me starts taking on a caregiver role for any extended period of time. This includes her nanny and two live-in "aunties" (not actually relatives). She slowly adjusted to the nanny - after a year she basically tolerates her and sometimes has fun with her - but every time there is a gap where the nanny is off or whatever, she again gets difficult when it's time to reconnect. And when I say difficult, I mean being uncooperative, whiney, and mostly nonverbal, and occasionally working herself up into a screamfest. If I'm around at these times, she begs me to hold her indefinitely.

OK, this kid is really a remarkably good kid by most measures. Most of the time she's even-keeled, very obedient and helpful, cute and funny, with healthy activity, sleeping, and eating habits. She does great with her sister and has no problems when we go out. She has some quirks and sensitivities to stimuli, but nothing extreme, and these seem to be fading.

So, have I screwed up attachment? Is it within normal ranges for a 2.3yo to be so clingy to the mom and disdainful of surrogates? Or is my kid just spoiled rotten? Has anyone here btdt and figured out what (if anything) to do about this?

[mkinzie]

DD gets extremely clingy when there is a change in schedule but she was clingy from the beginning. In fact, no one could hold her for the first month but me. I know that when she's tired or stressed she wants to be held and will cry, etc., if we don't. I'm not sure if it's age appropriate but I teach and several of the teachers have kids the same age. We compare notes often on behaviors and right now because we just got back from Christmas break many of the kids are going through the clingy stage again. I hope this helps!

[JustBarbara]

Awww - no, she is not spoiled rotten - she's just being a 2-year-old. Yes, they can test the boundaries but that's why we have them and it's all part of their growing and learning and exploring. There are no guarantees - whether bio or adopted - but since she is pretty even-keeled most of the time I doubt you have 'screwed up' anything. DS will be three in March and sometimes even he gets clingy and, if overstimulated, will give me a bear hug and ask to 'go home'. This is his signal that he has had enough and needs a break.

[Devora]

This may be normal 2-year old behavior. It may also be anxious attachment.

[Suzeb1]

As always with adopted kids, you want to rule out any attachment possibilities, of course. Having said that, the kids in my family, when they were this age, and older, definitely preferred their mom as their caregiver and struggled when she wasn't around. One niece would get so incredibly sad, actually limp, if her mom was gone a significant (all day) length of time, another struggled and struggled to go to pre-school a few days a week. My daughter (3) has become very used to going to child care, but give us a three day weekend, and the first day back at school is going to be a challenge. I don't blame her...I want to be with her too!

So, I tend to think that it's pretty normal to want mom (and/or dad, in two parent families), especially if your daughter isn't showing other signs of anxious attachment (such as being angry with you or avoiding you when you do come back to her) How kids express that they want mom is going to be different, some will cry, some will become silent, others will become disruptive; but it's not being bad...it's just wanting to be with the person with whom they feel the safest and love most.

Susan

[asauer]

My daughter (23 mos) is like this too. Anytime there is a slight disruption in schedule (i.e. vacation, returning to school after holiday, new teacher in class) she is very whiney, and throws tanrums, wants me to hold her constantly etc. Once she gets used to the change she's fine. I think it's just a toddler's frustration.

[shanpine]

She is being TOTALLY TWO. You've heard of the "terrible twos"? Welcome! It's harder, I think...when we constantly have to ask ourselves if it's attachment vs. normal (albeit yucky) behavior...but either way...firm consistancy is what it takes. Oh....and a glass (or 2) of wine for you. Hang in there....