[hscott]

I posted earlier about our DD wanting my DH more than me and that is still the case...... She is fine when it is just me and her at home. She comes to me for comfort, etc. If I am somewhere with her though and talking with someone she reaches for them. Well, of course they take her. The bad thing is she cries when I take her back. If my DH is there she clings to him, she won't let anyone hold her, but with me she wants to be with someone else.

We have only had her for 3 weeks, I was just wondering if anyone else experienced this and how did you handle it. Did you not go out with her alone? Did you not allow the person to hold her, even though she would reach and scream if you did that?

Should I just "cacoon" for a while? I am home with her all day and we don't go out often. One instance happened when I had to get my allergy shots and the other was today when I was talking with my older DD's teacher at school.

Heather

[qs mom]

Don't let anyone else care for her or hold her. You and hubby need to do it exclusively so that she can bond with you.

Check on the special needs boards and / or Russia boards. There are moms with tons of bonding tips and experience with RAD.

[GuatMommy2Be]

How old is your daughter?

I think it is normal for her to cling to one parent. Although if you are the primary caregiver I am surprised she is not clinging to you. When other people are reaching for her, is she typically in your arms or your husbands? If it is mostly in your arms, maybe she is feeling insecure with you because you are handing her over to "strangers".

My DD was 16 months when she came home and it has been a long year of cocooning with her. Anytime she came in contact with family she regressed in the form of rejection to mostly DH (once, me), crying/whining constantly, upset when we left the room even if she could still see us, etc.

Our families are just now being allowed to hold her - that is IF she wants them to! They did not feed her, change her, hold her, hand her food, or soothe her when upset.

DD is also just now starting to assert some independence with the help of playgroups & outings. Could she have done this six months ago? No way. She has just needed her own time to settle in.

Good luck!! Is she still on the bottle, are you rocking her, etc?

[hscott]

Originally Posted by GuatMommy2Be

How old is your daughter?

When other people are reaching for her, is she typically in your arms or your husbands? If it is mostly in your arms, maybe she is feeling insecure with you because you are handing her over to "strangers".

She is 21 mo. old. I am not handing her over and people aren't reaching for her. She is reaching for them.


Heather

[StefB]

May I suggest wearing her in a carrier when you go out? I know she's not an infant, but I still wear my 2 1/2 year old around the house when she asks. My reasoning is that people will not reach out and take her if she's in a carrier. I don't know if your daughter will still cry and try to go to others, but at least it won't happen. It might feel weird (especially if you're feeling rejected), but when she does this I'd keep repeating something to her about being your baby or mommy's baby. I hope she'll catch on very soon. This must be very painful.

[LJR1974]

DS came home @ 20 months. We didn't let anyone hold him for 6 weeks. We kept visits relatively short and brief for a few months. We bottle fed for several months. I wore him in a carrier around the house and on walks pretty regularly.

I can remember one instance vividly where I thought ds was doing pretty well. We had some friends over for a play date. Zack tripped, cried and reached for my friend. She (being an adoptive mom to a toddler herself) redirected him to me. When I picked him up, he SCREAMED. I didn't give in. I went inside, got a bottle, and rocked him while telling him I was his momma and I always would be.

I also remember a few instances where ds would reach for others. I'd just tell him in soothing tones "You don't go to just anyone. I'm your momma. Momma loves to hold you." And I'd scoop him up and hug and kiss him. Although ds wouldn't usually scream when I'd do this.

The first months home were very hard on me (and I'm certain ds too). Things are going really well now, but I would not go back to the first 6 months or so.

Hang in there. It should get better.

[akasohappy]

I don't have much time now, but try internet search on attachment parenting techniques.
You can wear her in a sling/carrier. Play games with her that wil promote eye contact and togetherness.
Don't let anyone hold her besides you and DH.
I know that can be difficult and awkward.
Rock her, if she is on a bottle hold it for her and try to get her to look you in the eye while bottle feeding.
You can even try feeding her instead of letting her feed herself. One of the best building blocks of attachment is trust. She needs to trust that you will be there for her. It is normal for her to push away a mother figure, especially if she was with a foster mother this whole time. She is afraid you will leave too. I also read when waiting for DD to come home that emotionally she is only the age of how long she has been home. So even though she is almost 2 she is really an infant emotionally right now.
There are some people on this forum who really have some good advice and info. to pass on (angel kisses for one) hopefully they will see your post.
Hugs and prayers
Amber

[GuatMommy2Be]

Originally Posted by hscott

She is 21 mo. old. I am not handing her over and people aren't reaching for her. She is reaching for them.


Heather

Okay - was she close with her foster mother? If so, this could be the reasoning for her wanting to go to anyone else. She could feel that her FM hurt by leaving her with you and is afraid you will do the same.

[Saya]

She's a toddler who's just been removed from everything she's ever known. She hasn't learned to trust you yet - and as her mother, you are asking for a very intimate relationship that must be really scary to her. After all, she's just lost everyone she ever knew.

You may need to keep her very close for a while. I second carrying her with you as much as possible - an Ergo carrier is a GREAT investment! And I wouldn't let anyone outside immediate family touch her/feed her/carry her for a good couple of months yet. She needs to learn who her mommy and daddy are. If people question this, let them. You know what's best for your daughter. I got a lot of flack from relatives when I didn't let them hold my daughter when she first arrived home, but I really couldn't care less.

You might want to check out this website, which is a great resource on attachment, including activities to help forward the attachment process.

A4everFamily.org - HOME

[iwantmybaby]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this, it can be really tough. My new son did the same thing. He is VERY loving and affectionate, it's his personality. People just loved it too. I've had mine home for almost 3 months. He attached immediately to my husband. He "liked" me a lot. But if he had a choice he would always choose hubby. I am home all day with him as well. He is fine when it's just the two of us at home. He has bonded more and more to me every day. I am getting more secure in our relationship, so I know he is too. I don't know if you said you have a boy or a girl. I will say boys naturally cling to their daddy's. I also have a bio 5 yr old son. He always LOVED to be with daddy because daddy isn't home as much as mommy. I was always there. They think Dad is a real treat! I am just sharing a bit of my situation with you. 3 weeks isn't very long, it will take some time to make up for all the time you lost. Here is what I would do if I were you, or rather here is how I handled it. When we were out and my son would flirt with others, and reach for them I just held on to him. It was extra hard with other family members, because they want to bond with him too. I would just say, I'm sorry but I actually need to hold him right now. Yes, he would cry sometimes, but within a minute he stopped and was okay to be in my arms. I don't know if this is the right way to handle it or not. This is what I did, and I was pleased with the outcome. Now, if I'm trying to have some bonding time with him, like holding him in my lap and cuddling up, usually he loves this but at first he fought it some. I just held on and I wouldn't let him down. He cried for a few seconds, but then I would read to him or we would sing, watch tv together, whatever, and he would give in happily. Again, I don't know if this is "the thing" to do. I just know it seemed to work for us. I can't remember the last time he resisted being in my arms now. He might still prefer his Dad, but he doesn't fight me to get to Dad anymore. The other night, when Dad was home, he got hurt and he came to me for kisses! NOT DADDY! So, do your best to bond with him when it is just the two of you, and I think it will spill over to when Dad is around. Feel free to email me if you would like to talk more. Hang in there!! Another thing I'll say is that when I heard of this happening to other mommys, before I had my son at home with me, I always said I wouldn't take it personal. How silly to take it personal. Well, guess what- I took it VERY personal. It hurts, you work your tail off for this little creature and then THEY PUSH YOU AWAY!!! How dare them??!!! So it is hard, and take heart this behavior is not here to stay. Your new one needs to be reassured that no matter what you will still love him/her.

Best of luck,
Tracy

[bhouston]

I had this experience with my daughter when she came home and she was only 9.5 months old...dont let it go another day without beginning to do all the attachment stuff with her...the longer it goes...the harder it becomes...it doesnt just go away...Nancy Thomas has a great book/audio tape called Taming the Kitten before she becomes a Tiger...My daughter preferred my husband over me too...she was fine if it was just me and her but add him or anyone really into the mix and she didnt have a thing to do with me....

I would *wear* her everyday at home...facing you....let her feel your heartbeat all day....and look into her eyes with love and never anger...have her co sleep with you and not have her in the middle but only on the side where she is by you...my daughter would get away from me in her sleep so I had to make that impossible for her...I just started at the basics when she was around 3 and things were not getting better but worse...it was the only thing that bonded her to me...I was the only one that did anything and everything for her....Even her dad did very little.....because she needed to see me as her major source of love and that I would take care of her...There are so many great resources and you really need to start ASAP.....you dont want to waste one day....dont let her distance herself from you...Brooklyn would reach for others all the time and go with anyone too....But once I started taking over everything with her....it totally changed things around...I have been at this awhile my daughter is now 6...If you want you can pm me and I will give you some more resources....nancy thomas at attachment .org has some great stuff....Beth in Idaho

[susy...patience]

only exception should be close, close family members.

The adoption clinic I went to called what she is doing "mommy shopping" -- she's not certain you will always be there so she's checking out who might be her "next" caregiver.

I found holding my DD & making silly faces with her (she came home at 14 1/2 months) very helpful. She would laugh & look deeply in my eyes.

I cocooned a lot & it was tough on me but in retrospect it helped her a lot. There are still times when she would prefer to just be at home with me (i;m a single mom so I often found that lonely).

[IloveDJ]

Hugs to you. I know this is hard. My DS came home at 8 months old and was a Daddy's boy to an extreme. I was happy the two of them bonded so quickly, but often very hurt by being rebuffed by my DS. He'd choose not only Daddy over me, but also many other relatives and sometimes people he just met. As a SAHM, I thought our time together would quickly resolve this, but it took months and months of building trust for him to finally bond with me. He was very close with his FM, and he also seems to generally prefer men over women, so I tried not to take it personally, but instead just looked at each new day as a fresh start. There have been many rough days of trying to overcome this, but my DS, now 2, has come a long way with me.

I agree with others that you need to begin attachment parenting right now. One great thing I read was that by having fun and being silly with kids, you form bonds more quickly than simply being the nurturing, soothing parent. I'm not sure if that's true, but it seemed to work for me and my DS.

I wish you all the best!

Sara

[JillnChris]

Heather,

I'm sorry that this is happening. :-( My dd has been home over a year and it still hurts my feelings when she wants dh over me.
I think since you are mostly staying home with her it is probably fine but when you do go out try not to hand her over. If it is a situation where you feel comfortable explaining just tell the person that since she is newly home you are practicing attachment parenting.
I found a lot of usefull tips on a4everfamily as well.
Hope that things get better and please find comfort in knowing that this is normal but not necesarily something you should ignore.

[jimanddarla]

I agree with others - wear her in a sling or carrier. Darla was having trouble with Abe biting and scratching her. She started wearing him out and on walks (before Winter) and he really changed his tune. It did take several weeks. Only now (3 1/2 months) is he starting to prefer her or reach for her when he has a boo-boo. I know it is hard. I would have gladly traded places with Darla those first few weeks because of the toll this took on her. You know it really seemed like Abe was trying to make himself so undesirable to her as to make her give up so I would shack up with his foster mom or something. Just be consistent (I'm sure you are) about telling her how you will always be there for her, you are never letting her go, etc...

Just FYI he was a bit younger - 13 months old on gotcha day. I hope things improve for you soon.