[StefB]

I need some advice, forum minds. My beloved cat passed away tonight. My 2 1/2 year old was very attached to him too. So far I've told her that he had to stay at the doctor because he is so sick. I had prepped her for that possibility for a couple of days. I just wanted to buy some time to figure out how to deal with this with her. She is a very bright, aware child who grieved terribly when adopted and took months to start to show her true self. She definitely has issues with loss and attachment. (She's been with me from 9 1/2 months old)

On Monday I will contact the social worker that I've seen that specializes in adoption issues. Until then, any wisdom on how to handle this? It's always a sensitive issue, but I'm worried about the additional loss for her and also general issues about not coming back from a doctor visit.

She sees how sad I am. I've never been good at hiding emotion. She kind of avoided me until I directly addressed my sadness with her and then she started giving me hugs to make me happy.

I don't want to mess this up. Any thoughts will be very appreciated.

Stefanie, mom to Tiana

[robandjulie]

I don't have any advice other than what you're doing (talk to your social worker and other experienced parents), but wanted to share my condolences on the loss of your pet.

[Hopingsoon]

My son was 2 years 2 months when we had to have our dog put to sleep. The first couple of days I didn't think he noticed that she was gone as we had two dogs, and the more active of the two was still present.

After a couple of days, it was obvious that he noticed that the older dog was missing, so I sat him down and told him as gently as possible that the older dog was very sick, tired and old; and that was why she needed help from mommy & daddy to get up, and couldn't walk on the wood floors. I told him she got to the point that she couldn't walk on any of the floors or the grass, and it was time for her to go to be with God and be in heaven where she would be young and healthy again. He said okay and walked away. He hasn't asked about her since, but has become very attached to the younger dog, who he was never very interested in before.

Good luck, I'm sorry for the loss of your beloved pet! I feel your pain!

[Gatos]

I'm sorry you lost your cat. It is so sad to lose a beloved pet. I STILL cry over my dog, and I had to put her down a year and a half ago.

I don't know how to handle it with T. Definitely keep putting her off until you talk to a specialist.

[catsnkids]

I just went through this with my daughter. I told her Snickers went to live with God. She then asked why and I told her because God wanted her to live with him now. She started crying and said she wanted to go live with God too. I told her God hasn't asked for us to come live with him yet because we still have things here he wants us to do. Then the timer for dinner went off and the tears disappeared. Now every once in a while she'll say to me or her teachers that her other cat (Snickers) went to live with God and Jesus. Not real emotional just matter of fact. She seems to have handled it well. Once in a while she will cry and ask for Snickers but these times are getting fewer and fewer.

Good luck and I'm sorry for your loss. Pets really do become one of the family.

[GuatMommy2Be]

No advice Stefanie, but I'm so sorry to hear this. It seems you are getting good advice from the above posters. Hopefully your SW will also have some ideas.

[mturner]

Stefanie-

We just lost our 8 1/2 yr. old cat on 12/1/08. We had no idea she was sick and by the time we got her to the vet, there was not much they could do for her. We had left her at our vet overnight and brought her home on Sat., so we could give her the care she needed to hopefully recovered. Well, by Sun. I could tell she was not going to make it ( I used to work at our vet). I was doing NG tube feedings every 2hrs. and giving round the clock medicine. I have a 2 1/2 yr. old, 3 yr. old and 4 yr. old. My 3 yr. old daughter is our animal lover and she saw how sick Lexi was. Ella would pet Lexi while I was giving the NG tube feedings and she would go upstairs to check on Lexi a lot. I told Ella that Lexi was very sick and the drs. were trying to get her better, with medicine and special food through the NG tube. Ella was my little helper the last weekend that we had Lexi home, and she really loved Lexi. We had 5 cats, and out of the 5, Lexi was the one who slept with my 2 daughters every night. Lexi loved to sleep on their legs or she would curl up next to them or me. The day before I had to put Lexi to sleep, I put Lexi in bed with the girls and I. I did not tell Ella that Lexi would not be home when she woke up, but I made sure that Ella got to spend some final time with her kitty. When I came back from putting Lexi to sleep in the am, I told Ella that Lexi was very sick and the drs. gave her a special medicine to make her not hurt anymore. I explained to my girls that Lexi went to Heaven where she no longer hurts (she was diagnosed as having pancreatitis, and fatty liver disease) and that she would always be watching us. I also went to the bookstore and bought 2 books that were age appropriate to read to my kids. I really like the one I bought called "Cat Heaven". It is written by Cynthia Rylant and is well written for young children to understand that their cat is in Heaven and happy. She also wrote a book called "Dog Heaven". My 4yr. old does not really understand what happened to Lexi (Joseline, my 4yr. old just came home 4/08 and still is trying to understand lots of things), and my 2 1/2 old son does not understand that she is gone, but my 3yr. old now tells people that she now has 4 cats, and Lexi was sick and now is in Heaven. Ella says that Lexi's sister Samantha misses Lexi and that Cody also is sad. Our other 2 cats are my husbands and they do not really get along with my cats. So, I just told my children that Lexi went to Cat Heaven which is up in the sky and that she is no longer sick. This is what has helped mainly my 3yr. old deal with the loss of her buddy. I think also the books I have bought also helped. Oh, and I did let Ella have a picture of Lexi to carry around. She now just keeps it in her purse. I also have a framed picture of Lexi, along with her pawprint on our mantle. Ella likes to see the picture of Lexi and she always says Lexi is up in the sky in Heaven. It is very sweet.

I am so, so sorry for your loss. It is very hard to lose a pet. I have now lost 2 cats in 2yrs. and both were very young when I had to put them to sleep.

[Quesita]

First of all, I am very sorry about the loss of your pet. I've thought about this issue a lot because I have an aging cat. He is in very good health, and he may live another 5 years, but his death is going to be very hard on our family. Liana has a love/hate relationship with him.... he is her dear friend, and her nemesis. She enjoyed giving him his Christmas presents almost as much as she enjoyed getting her own, but she is always "telling on him" when he does things he is not supposed to do, like climbing on the kitchen table.

As someone who has faced a great deal of death in my own life recently, I don't know that I am even capable of articulating the cycle of life and death. But I have decided that shortly after my beloved cat goes (and I hope it will not be for quite a few years) that I will get Liana a little kitten, which will be her kitten. And we will talk about the young being born, growing up, and replenishing life on earth, just as the old and the sick leave this life.

[mksilvermoon]

i am very sorry to hear the loss of your pet. Getting advice from your sw ought to be useful - for very young children, the concept of loss is not really there in the way that it is for us as adults - they do feel loss and very sad but they can't and don't 'stay' with it like we do (they just can't) they can dip in and out of it - tears and then playing 3 minutes later, then questions and confusion out of the blue another time before going back to play. The concept of death being final is also a concept that comes later, so no matter how carefully/perfectly you explain that her pet has died she may not 'get' that they won't be back sometime later/wake up etc - as children move from being toddlers to being young children a lot of magical thoughts around death also crop up (all natural and normal developmental thoughts/feelings around death/loss in children) they may think they have caused the death by their thoughts, or that they can wish the pet back to life (this all applies to loss of anyone they know also) - do some online research on the develomental stages of children's understanding of death - you may find it useful in dealing with this and understanding where your daughter is coming from - finally watch out for sleep issues - i have had so many people (friends and clients) report sleep problems after a death of pet/family member, I usually ask 'did anyone tell them that 'X' went to sleep and God/angels took them to Heaven?' and the answer is often yes - children can become terrified of going to sleep in case they too will die and have to leave their home and go to Heaven - so avoiding magical/half-truths is also advised - you know your child best so use your judgement always

MK

[qs mom]

My son is 8 and has been home for 5 years. Our cat passed on in April. He was 20. My parents had to put their dog down just before Thanksgiving.

These animals have been in my son's life since he has been home. He still out of the blue comes up with sadness about Doofus (our cat). And sometimes about Gus.

Our own dog is ailing and it is a matter of time for her. She is 13 or 14 now.

I explained everything to him in regard to the dogs. The cat died at home, I wouldn't let him see him.

I told him that the Gus was very sick and that the dr would give him medicine so that he didn't hurt anymore. And then the dr would give him medicine to make him sleepy. After Gus wasn't hurting anymore and was sleeping, the dr would give him medicine that would take him to heaven. In Heaven, Gus and Doofus are chasing each other and chasing SpongeBob HamsterPants too!

My son likes to come up with scenarios of what they're doing in heaven when he feels sad.

However, after our cat died, he wanted to die too so that he could see Doofus and bring him back. He had a real hard time understanding that there is no coming back. He doesn't want to go to heaven anymore. He's just glad that the cat, grandma's dog and his hamster are all together in Heaven.

[pamcita]

I'm so sorry to hear about the death of your beloved cat. My not-yet-two year old daughter is extremely connected to our two dear kitties, and I worry about how she will react when the older one inevitably must pass on. (not to mention how I will react, as the kitties are very much my first 'babies' and I love them deeply.)

I discovered a very good website, written by a psychoanalyst for parents, that includes relevant books and a pithy guide for talking with young children about death and helping them grieve:

Ten Suggestions « Remembering My Pet

The list of suggested books includes a wonderful picture book about the death of a cat, from a young child's perspective:

The Tenth Good Thing About Barney - by Judith Viorst

Reading it with your daughter could be another way to help her share her feelings about this loss.

Good luck, and let us know how you both are doing.

[PackGirl]

I am sorry.
Our 6 year old dog had to be put down during the weekend (he mauled our daughter).

Our boys are hugely upset not only that he bit their sister...but that he is gone. They have been demanding that we bring him back and that they promise he will be good.

It's difficult on them....they are too young to understand truly what has happened to their pet.

I know someone else mentioned the use of the word sleep. I'm one of those kids that was terrified to sleep after I heard my grandma had died in her sleep (she didnt...but my parents thought it would be easier for me if she did) When I hear about "being put to sleep" it still sometimes gives me that "feeling in my gut" and I get a little nervous.....

With our boys.... we've been telling them that he has gone to doggie heaven...
I'll be looking at someone the books and websites though....looks like some very usefull information.

[2forus]

I'm so sorry. I understand as we are in the same situation. We are going to put one of our cats down this week. The kids two 2 1/2 year olds and a 1 year old are just as attached to her as we are. I'm not sure how to explain it to them as I am having enough issues with it myself.

[TheFoxx]

I'm so terribly sorry for your family's loss. We went through this recently and here are some of the tips that our vet gave us.

Never use the term put to sleep (it confuses children - if they are asleep then wake them up).

Never tell the child just that the animal was sick. It's better to use the term "special kind of sick" to differentiate what the animal has vs. the child's cold or tummy ache.

You know your child best and what will work for your daughter.

We had to put our cat Shadow down this past June. He was 16 and Dylan was very close to him. My father passed away about a year prior to that and we often speak to Dylan about his Zayde. We went to the vet's office to say goodbye. We told Dylan that Zayde misses Shadow so Shadow is going to be with his Zayde. Dylan gave him a kiss and DH took him out of the room. Now, they gave us Shadow in a box to bury in our yard but we just told him it was Shadow's toys for us to give to another kitty.

We buried him in our backyard and Dylan had no idea what we were doing.

We did, however, bring him with us to donate Shadow's newer toys, cat boxes, dishes, left over meds (he was diabetic) and we explained that this was helping other kitties which he seemed to be happy with.

Again, I'm so terribly sorry for your loss.

[MeeMee]

Stephanie - (It's me April)

I totally know how difficult it can be to lose a beloved pet. We went through it 3 times last year with my daughter. One geriatric dog, and two fish. She was sad every time, but cried the longest about the second fish that went. I think by then, it was one time too many.

All three times we talked about the fact that they went to heaven. (we never used the terminology of going to sleep) There were many questions why, what did they do there, would they come back and so on forth. We just kept answering as best as we could until she seemed to come to her own understanding.

At one point she was very angry with me because I didn't let her say goodbye to the dog. It came on very sudden, he was so sick, I didn't have the time to wait, nor did I want her to see his condition. In retrospect it may have helped, but I did what I thought was best at the time. She still will cry on occasion, which to me is a good thing. I would rather have her do that then act it out in different ways.

I also made sure to tell her teacher and others about what had happened so if her behavior went awry they would have an understanding.

At 2 1/2 it will probably be more difficult for your daughter in some ways, and easier in others. Is there anything you can give her so that she can still have a touchstone to remember it by? Something tangible to help her through?

Children have very deep wisdom during these times. As we were walking home from school the day that I had to have our dog euthanized, Maya found a flower on the sidewalk. She held it up to me and told me that it was a kiss from Frazier (our dog) in heaven.

As long as you are honest with your feelings and the situation, and are patient with her, and yourself, you will make it through this difficult time.

I am so sorry.