[Waiting4Zach]

I should be happiest I have ever been. My son has been home for six months and we will celebrate our frist Christmas together. Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful that my son is finally home with me and I know we will have a great Christmas. It's just that December has always been a hard month for me because the first baby I lost would have been 20 this month. I just can't help but think about him and the three others I lost. Is that bad of me? I'm trying to get past it and I don't let Zach see me upset.

[c.a]

There is really only one answer to your question:

Nothing is wrong with you.

You are a new mom. That alone gives you loads of stress - even while it gives you equal amounts of joy.

It is okay to still grieve the loss of others.

And the holidays are stressful even without the other stuff.

Take it easy. Try to relax and take care of yourself. What helps you relax?

[My Isela]

Just wanted to say that I am sorry that Dec is such a hard month for you.....with all of the talk of family and friends, there are bound to be memories of those that are not here. You should take a few moments to remember your son (and the other babies you lost)...being true to your feelings will help you.
Give Zach a huge hug when you are starting to feel down. Remembering the past is fine, but also try and focus on the wonderful future you will have with Zach.

[Muchacho Hermoso]

There is nothing wrong with your feelings.

Christmas and the New Years holiday, have a reflective nostalgic component to them. Seems natural to me that you would be feeling this way.

Take good care of you!

[annaguat]

I think the holidays reminds many of loved ones that are not there with them. This is your first Christmas with Zach and a big congrats about that. You will make all new memories. Also after you bring home a child it is not uncommon to feel some post adopt depression. I sure coped with that when our girls came home especially with the holidays. You do not have to burry your loss but be sure to also make time for your new joy. Hugs, Anna

[Guatemom]

I lost my first baby in Dec. 2000...would've been 7 this year (should've been born in late spring '01). I know it hasn't been nearly as long as yours, but even now, 8 years after the initial loss, I still grieve. I believe I always will. I lost others in between, and still grieve for them, too.
One thing is you cannot let that steal your joy from your child now, tho. I know it's very, very hard. Believe me. But you must learn to be able to grieve for your loss, but still rejoice with your child you have. They are separate and it is possible, and it's the only way I've found to handle it all. pm me if you need to,
sending a hug

[Quesita]

First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. It is ok to grieve. And there is nothing wrong for you for thinking about an alternative universe... the one in which your 20 year old is getting ready to come home from college, or whatever images you have in your mind. And feel sadness for the reality that never was. Go ahead and feel that sadness. But don't feel the guilt about the sadness. It is ok.

Then, look at your beautiful son. This is not a fantasy, alternative universe. This is reality. This is the son, who, 20 years from now, will be the one coming home from college... or whatever he does. Create the family traditions that he will cherish. Live inside of the fantasy. Allow yourself to feel the joy. And I really believe that if you let yourself feel the pain, without guilt, then you will also be able to feel the joy. Both emotions are real, and can exist back to back.

If you find that you really cannot feel the joy that you know that you deserve to feel, then reach out again. A lot of parents feel depression after an adoption, and are too ashamed to seek help. There is no shame in feeling a real emotion. But if you believe that that emotion will overtake you, or that it will interfere with raising your son the way you want to raise him, reach out, and get help.

I send you big hugs, and hopes of much joy in the weeks and months and years to come.

[Guatemom]

Originally Posted by Quesita

First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. It is ok to grieve. And there is nothing wrong for you for thinking about an alternative universe... the one in which your 20 year old is getting ready to come home from college, or whatever images you have in your mind. And feel sadness for the reality that never was. Go ahead and feel that sadness. But don't feel the guilt about the sadness. It is ok.

Then, look at your beautiful son. This is not a fantasy, alternative universe. This is reality. This is the son, who, 20 years from now, will be the one coming home from college... or whatever he does. Create the family traditions that he will cherish. Live inside of the fantasy. Allow yourself to feel the joy. And I really believe that if you let yourself feel the pain, without guilt, then you will also be able to feel the joy. Both emotions are real, and can exist back to back.

If you find that you really cannot feel the joy that you know that you deserve to feel, then reach out again. A lot of parents feel depression after an adoption, and are too ashamed to seek help. There is no shame in feeling a real emotion. But if you believe that that emotion will overtake you, or that it will interfere with raising your son the way you want to raise him, reach out, and get help.

I send you big hugs, and hopes of much joy in the weeks and months and years to come.

you said it so much better!!!! thank you!!!

[jimanddarla]

I'm sorry to hear about your loss.

Zach is not a replacement for your lost baby. Of course you know that, but sometimes it needs to be said.

We lost James during week 16 of Darla's pregnancy in December of 2003. It still hurts to think about him too. After our loss we did things to try to acknowledge his existence for each other. Special ornaments, a Christmas stocking, etc... One thing Darla did for me was buy me this father-son Willow figurine. I just couldn't look at it. Well I was cleaning out the storage unit last weekend and found it. You know what - I still can't look at it. I don't see it and think of Abraham and myself... I think of the future James and I never had together.

This year we'll be spending time with family, including my cousin. Her son, Matty, was born within two weeks of James' due date. He is a very cute and sweet boy, but every time we look at him we think of James and how big he would be. Would he be riding a bike? What about friends? What foods would he like? What toys would he be getting for Christmas this year? He wasn't the firs loss for us nor the last, but he was the closest we ever got to a birth.

Beth there is nothing wrong with you. You have been through hell. Keep the children you never got to spend Christmas in the back of your mind as you see that sweet little boy open his presents on Christmas morning.

Jim

[JoshGuat]

Nothing is wrong with you!! You are in mourning and it's OK to be. You loved your little one then and you always will. The loss is great when you lose a loved one. I am so sorry to hear of your loss.

[Ana01]

A few weeks ago, someone, a stranger, asked me if I was happy to be a mom. She asked me at a moment when I was physically and emotionally exhausted - I wasn't "happy" about anything.

But in no way, shape or form does that ever take away from the joy that I feel being my DS mom, nor the pride and honor I take in having him in my life. He is the apple of my eye.

I think that your emotions are perfectly in check. You have suffered a great deal of loss (for which I am sorry) and so at this time of year, sometimes, that wound is a little tender.

That does not take away from your love for your child or even your appreciation to have him in your life today and to be able to have this special FIRST Christmas together.

[Waiting4Zach]

Thank you all so much for your kind words. I love having this forum and the great friends on here who will help you through anything that is going on. No matter what it is! You are all angels!

[maccafan]

There's nothing wrong with you, sweetie. My lost child would have just turned 23, and while the pain is no longer sharp, it will never go totally away. I hope you have some wonderful, joyous moments with Zach this holiday season!

[mayaprincess]

NOTHING is wrong with you. The holidays are hard on those of us who have lost loved ones. I have never lost a child, so I can't imagie the pain you must feel and I pray that you will find comfort in the days to come. I will be praying for you.

[Amber76]

I want to say thank you for posting this. I've been having a hard time getting in the holiday spirit this year, and I really hadn't figure out why-it's our son's first Christmas, my life is great and full of blessings. But, when I read your post, it hit me just why I am having a rough time. Last year in December, we were excited to meet our daughter in Guatemala-two days after Christmas. Then, just a week after leaving her there, we were mourning her death, from SIDS, at 3 months old. I think that somewhere in my subconcious I've been feeling that loss. Thanks for bringing it out so I can deal with it and enjoy my son's Christmas.
Your feelings are certainly "normal" and I'm sending you hugs from one forever-grieving mom to another.