[Pipercub]

I need advice. My daughter has been home and part of our family for a year and a half. She came home at 9 months old. Her foster family seemed to love her very deeply. The foster family was not as poor as many of the foster families I saw visiting the hotel. They dressed nicely. I would describe the foster mother as incredibly gracious. I have mailed her photos three times since we returned home. She borrowed a friends email account on one occassion and thanked me for the photos. Today, I came home (from vacation) and had a delivery from a Guatemalan delivery service (US service stationed out of Miami). Inside was a card from our duaghter's foster mother. After a few sentences about how she thinks about our daughter and enjoys the photos I have sent in the past (the last time was nearly 7 months ago), she advised that she is not able to work because she is very ill and would appreciate anything we might be able to do to help her purchase her medicine. Never in the two and a half years that I have known her (friendly acquaintence - nothing extremely close) has she asked for money.

I am by nature both cautious and very much one to think the best of people. Age and experience however has taught me to lean more towards the cautious tendency, as I know many people have been taken advantage of. A few things come to mind. I know it is highly unlikely that she is fostering any children for income since things have slowed down. Perhaps she is just needing income and not sick. However, perhaps she really is sick and needs medicine. (Her oldest daughter must be about 25 now, and her twin daughters are probably about 21 years old.) I do not feel any obligation to provide income for her. I would not however, feel badly about providing medication for a legitimate medical need. We're not extremely wealthy, but $40 or $50 a month would not be a burden either.

I have a friend who is a spanish speaking pastor that I'm going to have call her to get more specifics on the situation. My husband and I and our spanish speaking pastor friend are in the process of creating an orphanage in El Salvador (about 150 miles away). We also have contacts of Salvadoran doctors. After finding out what she states is her situation, I'm open to exploring an option for providing medicine or medical care instead of money.

Our agency closed their program down there, so I cannot approach them to try to verify her situation.

I know there are a few of you here who have been placed in the position of being asked for financial help from the families that cared for your children before you adopted them. I would like to keep a relationship with this woman because I would welcome the opportunity for our daughter to know about her. However, I also don't want to be a sucker and find out we provided money for a non existant need based on lies. I have no reason to suspect this is a lie. It's just my cautious side coming out. I am wondering if you could offer up any insight about how you might have verified the need and/or offered assistance. Any perspective you might be able to give me would be greatly appreciated.

<3
Piper

[dac_cincy]

Piper-

I think you are appraoching the situation in the right way- trying to discern what the real need is.

I would like to point out that it may not be possible to get medicines from sources in El Salvador- just becuase each country has thier own laws on medicines being shipped across the border- but that said, my church has a mission and a sisiter church in Guatemala and if ewe can help out, I am happy to check with my pastor and see what can be done.

Love to you,
Deb

[nannyisme2004]

This is a tough one. I had DS's FM ask for money just this summer after DS had been home about 6 months. She claimed her husband had been in an accident and needed money for an operation on his leg. I had my suspicion because her and I had been in communication almost every month since DS came home and this particular email didn't seem to have been written by her. For me, in the nicest way I could I told her I was unable to help financially now or in the future. And then a couple of weeks later I heard from her again as if she had never asked me for money so I questioned her about it. Apparently what happened is that her husband got into her email and wrote the email to me without her knowing. She was so embarrassed and was glad I had not sent any money to him because he had sent me instructions on where to send money.

At any rate, do what you feel is right for you and your family. I think you are right in asking more questions to get further information. DS foster mom and I still in contact 14 months after DS came home. But I would never feel obligated to send her money. I don't owe her anything else. Yes, she took great care of my DS. And I am grateful and will be forever.

[Pipercub]

Thanks dac-cincy.

Originally Posted by nannyisme2004

But I would never feel obligated to send her money. I don't owe her anything else. Yes, she took great care of my DS. And I am grateful and will be forever.

I think I need to give myself permission to feel this way. I do know this request came from her - it's the same handwriting as her other notes, including ones I watched her personally write. But I am definitely going to proceed with caution. Thanks for sharing your experience with me. I think I've read about enough situations of families here dealing with foster families to really be wary of jumping into this and I definitely want to be cautious that I don't get tangled up in something that is different than it appears on the surface.

[angel_bayou]

Piper, It could be a number of things liie you said. You'll just have to go with your heart and do your best to try to verify her situation. Maybe you could even have a contact there ONLY buy medicines for her instead of sending money to her. Just a thought!!

[drjeanne]

We're in contact with our foster family and luckily, they've never asked for anything other than photos and updates on our DD. I say luckily because I know I would have to say "no" to requests for money. We have given them money in the past and do send a generous amount each Christmas to them as our Christmas gift because we know it helps them buy gifts and food and celebrate the holiday but, I would be wary if they asked for the money. I agree with what others have stated that I am grateful for what our foster family did for our daughter...they created a loving, family environment for her during the 14 months of our adoption process but, it was a job for them that they were paid for and I don't feel I should be obligated to them the rest of our lives for doing it. I draw the line at feeling obligated and them asking me for money. Me giving them a gift is something totally different.

Go with your heart! You have to do whatever makes you feel good on the inside!

Jeanne

[kristibk]

We were ORANGE and awaiting our daughters DNA test to be done. We called the FM to speak with our daughter (6yo) and at the end of the call the FM was asking to borrow money for a down payment on a piece of property and then told me how much their monthly payments would be. I had planned on bringing her $200 at pick up as a thank you to her. I told her I would have to think about and didn't call her back right away. The next thing I knew, she took our daughter out of GC to a funeral and delayed DNA by a week and a half. THe attorney was so upset with her that they imediately removed our daughter upon their return, took her for DNA, medical and photos and placed her with another FM. Since then, they original FM keeps calling me asking me about Maria and I can't help but feel like she is still looking for $$. I have not actually spoken with her, she leaves me voicemail messages.

[gwenrenee007]

Our FM has never asked us for anything but we send $100 -$200 a few times a year to her. If I were you instead of committing to a set amount a month I would send whatever you are comfortable with ($100 or $150) and say it is a gift for her medicine and whatever else she needs/wants. That should last her for a few months and if she asks again in 3 months do what you can, but you won't be obligated to a set amount.

[dspakowsky]

In this case I disagree with the concept of giving with strings attached. If you give, give from your heart, and know it could go towards anything... but chances each dollar will go towards something needed anyways, if they are poor. However, if you don't feel like giving, you're not obligated to. Only do it if it feels "right".

[Mandy4President]

Originally Posted by drjeanne

We're in contact with our foster family and luckily, they've never asked for anything other than photos and updates on our DD. I say luckily because I know I would have to say "no" to requests for money. We have given them money in the past and do send a generous amount each Christmas to them as our Christmas gift because we know it helps them buy gifts and food and celebrate the holiday but, I would be wary if they asked for the money. I agree with what others have stated that I am grateful for what our foster family did for our daughter...they created a loving, family environment for her during the 14 months of our adoption process but, it was a job for them that they were paid for and I don't feel I should be obligated to them the rest of our lives for doing it. I draw the line at feeling obligated and them asking me for money. Me giving them a gift is something totally different.

Go with your heart! You have to do whatever makes you feel good on the inside!

Jeanne

I couldn't have said it better than this. I'm so sorry that you have to be put in this situation, Piper. I'm sure that part of you wants to give her the money, and it's probably not so much giving her the money this time as it is that it could be opening a can of worms for her to ask for more. At least that's how I would feel.

I think it's a little fishy that she is asking around the holidays. Maybe she wants to buy presents?

[Guatemom]

Echoing what most everyone else said here....
I would be leery of a flat-out request for $, esp. when we have also maintained email contact since Cristian's pickup in March. That said, the emails seem to be very sporadic, and I don't believe she even has her own pc. She mentioned at pickup that her friend had a computer, and her email name is nothing like her name. In fact, when she emails, she announces herself such as "it's __and ___", b/c (I'm assuming) the name on the email doesn't match. And even still, she's never asked for $. If she did, I would wonder if someone had hacked into her email acct....
I'm sorry you're in this situation, but am glad you are weighing it out,

[EZ2Luv]

I just wanted to chime in here to say that it is not uncommon in the Guatemalan culture to ask friends and family for money. Guatemalans are very big on helping each other in a time of need. My friend V from Guatemala is always being asked or money from family and friends. So though it may seem strange to us, this is something they do. Most of the time it is not big deal if you say no. It is like if you can do it , you do it, if not it's OK.

I cannot imagine the bind you all feel when you get these requests. While it is nice to be able to help someone in need, you shouldn't have to be made to feel like you owe these people. Yes, they did care for your children, but t hat is a job that they chose to do and were paid for it.
You also have to be VERY careful of other friends and family of the foster mother asking for money(as stated above) where computers are shared.
It truly is a tough situation to be in and I echo that you are wise to check things out.
Then too if you do send money , it will be very hard to stop if asked again. It could be become a habit. V told me that once you do send money it will more or less be expected each time they ask. That is why if you say no from the start it will be no big deal, but if you do expect more requests because they take it as something that you arte more than willing to do.

God wants us to be charitable but He also wants us to use wisdom and disernment in doing so.

EZ

[jemmawag]

Our situation is a bit different. We are extremely close to the fm. We speak everyday, email photos, exchange gifts, etc... She was being harrassed by extended family of ds for money and our personal info. This family is poor but have an established farm and do well compared to others in the area. We have helped them before with food, clothing, formula, etc. but had to stop due to the pressure being put on fm. We help out fm with fees for the visa process a couple of times a year because it gives her hope - she dreams of coming to visit ds she feels like he was her baby since he was with her 2 1/2 years. I cannot travel now due to my breast cancer diagnosis so it isn't like we can visit her like we planned. Things are bad down there now, food prices are high, she is struggling to keep her kids in school. Her dh's pay is cut in 1/2 every few months. She says she has no idea how they will survive next year. If she really needed something she would ask but so far has not, if she does I would be glad to help but I can't afford to do it regularly. She is upfront and honest and i trust her completely, to me she is family. Only you know what is right for you.

[matthewsmom0505]

DD's foster mom has both hinted and asked outright for money, and asks us and 2 other families whose children she fostered. Each time the situation is more dire, and she seems to have a pattern of illnesses, deaths in the family, etc that she needs money for. It's difficult for me not to help her, but as said in previous posts, I'm not going to allow myself to feel obligated to help her for years to come. I struggle with it everytime I think about her, but things are tight for us too, though surely not to the extent of her struggles.

Follow your heart--I understand your struggle.

[JoshGuat]

I have a question.....if she is not working doesn't she need food?? How is she getting food? Why would she not want money for food? Food is our basic need first.

Now another thought, not related to the above. If you send her a food package, via the basket ladies, or any other program etc. wouldn't that free her up to be able to buy the meds with the money that she used for her food-the food that she is eating that she is NOT asking you to buy. This way you would know exactly where the money was going Just a thought??