[shoegirl06]

Hi everyone!

DD just turned 3 and is normally a beautiful, smart, caring, sweet child. My problem stems from her class at daycare. There is a little boy - I'll call him "P" who is a terror, to say the least. His mother is a colleague of mine (our daycare is run by our district) and although we're friendly, we're certainly not "friends". Last school year, when DD was in her previous room, she & P butted heads constantly and it got to the point where she would wake up in the middle of the night and scream "NO P...!" When that happened, I spoke with her teachers who assured me that even though P was a handful, DD gave as good as she got. The Director also confirmed this and I have NO illusions about my daughter being the perfect child. She's definitely "spirited" and I kind of let it go because he was turning 3 soon. Once P "moved up" to the next room, her behavior changed significantly. She stopped picking on her brother at home and we settled into a nice, calm routine with a few blips along the way. I should mention that she NEVER had any run-ins at daycare with anyone other than P...

Fast forward to September of this year. She's still in her room & P's in the 3-4 year old room. Everything was BEAUTIFUL -- always had "GREAT" days on her daily report and with a few exceptions, terrific at home as well. November approached and she "moved up" and is with P again. Although her new teachers assure me that she is an angel in school and doesn't bother with P, she's started to wake up & talk about P again! Nothing ever relates to her - it's "He hit so & so, he threw this/that, he pushed so & so, etc" I know his parents are at their wits' end. The daycare isn't doing anything that I've observed to help the behavior other than telling the parents daily on his report, which usually results in his mother screaming at him in front of everyone.

So...we were looking for and found a great preK for DD to attend in the fall as a 4 year old and they're also accepting 3 year olds that they consider ready (it's a private school) as well. When we went for a tour and interview, they said they would accept her anytime we were ready to send her, which proves that her daycare is doing their job to get her ready! She'll hopefully be at this school through the 5th grade.

I know I'm being hyper-sensitive about the situation as there will probably always be a child with a bad attitude in her class and she needs to learn to deal with all types of people in the world. However, I don't like her waking up in the middle of the night and talking about him and what he did in class that day. It's kind of unnerving, you know?

My question is this: WHAT WOULD YOU DO??

TIA for advice!!!

[Devora]

there will probably always be a child with a bad attitude in her class and she needs to learn to deal with all types of people in the world.

You're right...However, the question in my mind is, "What's reasonable to expect of a 3-year old child? When she's in 3rd grade you'll be able to expect a lot more of her on this issue. But when she's 3 her ability to process her own emotions, make cognitive distinctions about the behavior of other children, and filter out the behavior of others is much less than it will be when she's older. So I don't personally advocate a "they have to learn someday" attitude -- "someday" does not necessarily mean "today".

For me the question would be about her actual behavior (other than talking about P) now. In the past it sounds like her interactions with P were really affecting her emotionally and consequently behaviorally (e.g., picking on her brother). The fact that you saw such a sudden change when P moved up is noteworthy. (Although it is possible it's coincidental.) But how is it affecting her now other than talking about P? If it's just talking, then I wouldn't worry so much about it because she's processing what she's seeing in a healthy way. However, if you're seeing her act out in negative ways then finding some way to separate her from P might be a good thing.

Is it possible to have them in separate classrooms or is there only one room for their age group? Is it possible and appropriate for one of them to be in with younger or older kids as a way of separating them? I think you can raise this with the current daycare in a neutral way rather than painting P to be the "problem". "DD seems to be extra sensitive to P's behavior. I'm seeing ______ changes in her behavior and I'm concerned about how she seems very focused on P. Is it possible to work out a way for them to spend less time together so that they have a little distance from each other?" My point is that if you would otherwise keep your daughter in that daycare, there may be a solution that doesn't involve switching schools.

While it sounds like the daycare is doing a good job in many regards, their lack of positive intervention and support of P's parents is concerning. Of course, you have no way of knowing if they are doing things in private -- nor should you be told about that. But it is disturbing to think that they would sit by idly when a parent yells at her child in their presence.

[shoegirl06]

Thanks Devora! I should have mentioned that the behavior has returned. In the two short weeks she's been back with him, she pushes, hits & back-talks, more so than I expect from a 3 year old testing limits.

The class is small (7 children & 3.5 teachers) and the 3-4 class is together because our district offers a Universal PreK option that many teachers take advantage of for their 4 year old. So, unfortunately, there's no way to separate them.

I do love her teachers -- there's only about 20 families in the entire daycare and as many teachers as children!

Thanks for your input!!!

[Devora]

Wow! That's a wonderfully small daycare and incredible adult:child ratio. I'm surprised with it being so small that they haven't been able to manage P's behavior better. I would think there would be enough supervision that they could spot when something's about to happen and be proactive. (I'm thinking of my own son who was easily overstimulated the first few months in a group care setting. His teacher was great at spotting when he started to go on overload and gently directing him to be aware of his body and calm himself down. He also had problems figuring out how to initiate play with the other kids -- there the problem was actually that he was far more verbal than most of them and he didn't know how to react to their limited articulations of whether or not they wanted to play. Again, the teacher was great about seeing when he was about to approach another child and coaching him through that process.)

Given your concerns about her behavior (and the sudden return of it that coincides with being back with P), I can see why you would think of moving to another setting when there's a good one available. Are you just looking for reassurance about that move being reasonable instead of making her "learn about getting along"? If so, then I think I would be doing what you're doing (given my earlier question about when is it reasonable to ask a child to learn that). Although, you might wait a couple more weeks and see if it's the classroom transition (and not just being back with P) that's prompting the behaviors. She could be a little discombobulated by having moved rooms... or it could be the combination of her and P.