[WJarman]

I whole heartedly agree that they are all our children, no matter how they came to our families. I have bio children, I have experienced pregnancy losses, I have an adopted child....but when all is said and done, I am just a Mom. I try and be sensitive to others feelings, but if it is too painful to read a post that mentions a bio child, then there are probably way more painful things all around you (pregnant bellies, baby showers, birth announcements) and for your pain I am truly sorry. I wish you healing and happiness.

[dspakowsky]

Come on ladies... this is easy for us to say NOW. But I've been on this forum for years... back when most of us were not parents. And I've seen one too many heads chopped off for announcing they're pregnant or trying. It's great we've all evolved into open minded people, but we haven't alwasy been this way. Remeber when you were waiting for months for your referral, or got your 4th KO, and some newbie posted "Oh, we were going to adopt, but guess what - I'm pregnant!". Or someone else wrote "we're pregnant... this is so unexpected... I don't know how this happened", and hardly anyone would post with happy responses.

Labels aside, TTC, pregnancy, etc., can be a very painful topic for some. It can bring that feeling of sadness and darkness, especially for those who carried and lost a child (or maybe more than one child).

Personally, I don't care if pregnancy is mention, I think it's beautiful and something to celebrate... but I do know that not that long ago it was something we (this forum) didn't want to hear about often. If we, as a group, have decided it's more comfortable to talk about, that's wonderful. I'm just saying there's a history behind posters being cautious.

[JoshGuat]

Huh?? I don't get it. If people have formed their family through bio, adoption etc. what does it matter if they write it, or not? I have never paid attention to the titles in the threads, never seen the montoring titles in the post.

[ej-momtobe]

I agree with the OP that this seems a little odd. I have trouble understanding how someone could fully accept an adopted child as 'their own' if they are still on pins and needles any time someone brings up bio children or pregnancy. It sounds like more of the reaction of someone who has not yet come to terms with infertility and therefore not ready to adopt. (Note: I am not judging anyone who still has these feeling or saying that they can't be a good AP, only that I don't understand).

[allgodsgrace]

Originally Posted by ej-momtobe

I agree with the OP that this seems a little odd. I have trouble understanding how someone could fully accept an adopted child as 'their own' if they are still on pins and needles any time someone brings up bio children or pregnancy. It sounds like more of the reaction of someone who has not yet come to terms with infertility and therefore not ready to adopt. (Note: I am not judging anyone who still has these feeling or saying that they can't be a good AP, only that I don't understand).

Exactly what I was trying to say- you said it so much better though!

[Guatemom]

Originally Posted by dspakowsky

...Personally, I don't care if pregnancy is mention, I think it's beautiful and something to celebrate... but I do know that not that long ago it was something we (this forum) didn't want to hear about often. If we, as a group, have decided it's more comfortable to talk about, that's wonderful. I'm just saying there's a history behind posters being cautious.

VERY TRUE!! I know there are some old-timers here, but there are a LOT of 'new' folks, too. I remember a time (2-4 yrs ago)when the general concensus on this forum was much less receptive to those topics. I definitely agree there is *history* for this. And like Brandy said, some people do it out habit b/c it's protocol on other boards; some do it not out of fear of hurting someone else's feelings, but rather b/c perhaps they also remember that pain and don't want someone else to relive or rehash old wounds, so they preface that in their title (ie, trying to eliminate the blind-side effect). That's very sweet if that is your motive. If it's just to be P/C, then I don't like it

Ok, as for me....I'm usually more aggravated that someone assumes I would be offended at the mention of preg/bio children. I am not offended and like many other posters have said, I just consider myself 'mom' just like anyone else, regardless of how my children come to me. And I rejoice and hurt with you regardless of how you became a mom, too. I don't need anyone to introduce themselves or their children as anything but DD or DS unless whatever topic is being discussed is specfically asking if there is a difference in bio/adopted child behavior that would require such an intro. Does that make sense? now, am I offended on here when people do it? No, not to the point I'm in a huff, but sure I see the thread-titles that make sure to point out that topic is mentioned and think, "why?" I'm perfectly at peace with the plan for my life. I suffered miscarriages and YEARS of fertility treatment, blah blah been there/done that. Was it the reason we adopted? No. Does it matter? No. Add me to one to be flamed, but IMO, if you are adopting or have adopted but still are that sensitive to the pg/bio topic that you would be offended at the mere mention of it, then you never resolved those issues...and that's not fair to you or the child you adopted.
<stepping off soapbox now> I probably didn't explain that very well. But that's my 2 cents

Good thread, Brenda!

[JosieWales]

Originally Posted by Guatemom

And like Brandy said, ... but rather b/c perhaps they also remember that pain and don't want someone else to relive or rehash old wounds, so they preface that in their title (ie, trying to eliminate the blind-side effect).

This is the case w/me. I'm pretty sure some of the comments here are referring to my post titles, and here's why I include the bio warning:

I apologize sincerely to those I hurt.

I posted that apology bc I'd posted a question about my pg, asking for help w/something (I can't remember what, and the post was deleted at my request), and I rec'd several PMs asking me to consider how much pain I was causing by discussing my pg on this forum. I don't want to cause any pain for anyone, hence the warning in the title. And I plan to keep it up.

[guatparents2be]

It wasn't that long ago that Becca had to go through this. I was shocked and saddened, actually.

Perhaps the tide has changed, which is amazing. And perhaps it is a sign that being on this board has opened certain people up to looking at their adoptions not as a second choice or a fallback, but as a great blessing.

Although we only tried to get PG for a little while before I could really figure out how to explain to DH why and how deeply I preferred adoption, I do remember feeling sad at baby showers etc. Feeling your feelings is important. But to stifle or judge or take away from someone else's joy, blessing and light is just sad.

I'm glad to see that we as a group are moving toward loving and supporting each other for what we're going through even if it brings up our own stuff.

xo

[Guatemom]

Originally Posted by JosieWales

This is the case w/me. I'm pretty sure some of the comments here are referring to my post titles, and here's why I include the bio warning:

I apologize sincerely to those I hurt.

I posted that apology bc I'd posted a question about my pg, asking for help w/something (I can't remember what, and the post was deleted at my request), and I rec'd several PMs asking me to consider how much pain I was causing by discussing my pg on this forum. I don't want to cause any pain for anyone, hence the warning in the title. And I plan to keep it up.

Oh, Becca I think I remember that. I'm sorry you went thru so much. It's very sweet that you put those prefacing things in your titles to try to save others from heartache. At the same time, very sad that no matter what anyone posts, or how anyone reacts, someone SOMEWHERE will always be hurt.

I think as long as your motives are sincere, you should be A-O-K...but of course that goes into the 'how do you know someone's motives'. I'm really not sure what the answer to that is, either. And on the otherhand, you can't help what someone else's motives are. Maybe the most important thing here is not trying to discern motive (or if you're posting, always worrying about hurting someone), but rather, choose how you react when you don't know. That's all you can really do: choose your own reaction/attitude.

[JosieWales]

Originally Posted by Guatemom

but rather, choose how you react when you don't know. That's all you can really do: choose your own reaction/attitude.

Well, that's what I tried to do. I had gone through miserable infertility treatments for years (even though I always knew we would ALSO adopt), so the pain of it was more than familiar to me. But I still posted that question here about my pg seeking help, and should have thought about pain it might cause. I tried to mold my reaction towards kindness, which meant apologizing for hurting people's feelings, regardless of whether others felt they were overreacting or not.

[pjkay720]

I completely have to disagree with this statement. There is a difference between being visually challenged and blind. There is a difference between being legally blind and blind. You can take it from me because I have a child who is blind. She can't see a thing. However, when I walk through her school I see kids who can see one foot in front of the other, but not very well or those who can see light or those who can see large objects or those that can see shadows and this list goes on. I know what you were trying to say, but I totally disagree because this is personal for me and I'd give anything in the world for my daughter to be visually challenged rather than completely blind. BIG DIFFERENCE!!!!!!!!!

[Guatemom]

Becca,
you are extremely considerate
the world would be a much different place if everyone were as consciously and purposefully considerate of one another.

[LJR1974]

Originally Posted by allgodsgrace

I hate political correctness... honestly, wording things differently do not make them any different.

I disagree very much. Words are very powerful. Does it get out of hand or go too far? Certainly. But the way we word things has a very powerful impact.

Originally Posted by allgodsgrace

Please do not see me as insensitive to others

I just don't see how this is sensitive.

Originally Posted by allgodsgrace

honestly some people need to grow up and deal with it.

Originally Posted by allgodsgrace

it should not "hurt" you to see others mention a pregnancy or bio child. If it does, poor you.

I too went thru infertility h#ll. And it was extraordinarily painful to see others achieve just the family they desired with such ease. This did include pg announcements, and even seamless quick adoptions (so yes, I did avoid the "PA IN 9 DAYS! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!" threads). It seemed like it was everyone's turn but mine. For years the only things we were able to achieve were expensive failed procedures, pregnancy losses at up to 23 weeks, and even an attempted and failed adoption for good measure.

Good for the rest of you that you have never had to endure the excrutiating pain of seeing your dreams crumble around your feet and truly doubting you'll ever become a parent (through whatever means). But don't be so quick to poo-poo the very real feelings of those who have been there.

I do NOT think this forum should require a bio or pg disclaimers. Not at all. This is an adoption forum. But don't turn on the people that decide to put it in "just in case." They are just being caring (not out of "fear" of hurting someone else, but out of caring). And chances are they have been there.

[JillnChris]

Honestly what is the big deal? If someone wants to put a disclaimer in their title so that someone going through a hard time doesn't accidentally read something that might cause them pain than so be it! It is the posters decision. You can put a disclaimer or you can not put a disclaimer. I think that some people just like to be considerate of other's feelings. How could anyone have a problem with that?

[IH8MEAT]

I think a disclaimer is good.

When I saw all the OUTS after all of my KO's I was Of course I went back after a few days and posted my , but that was only AFTER I came to terms with it.

I think all of us on here are different, and that's what makes this forum great.

When you see a title that you don't think you can handle, then don't open the thread.