[SJBundy]

At my place of voting this morning, I (white male) and my son (Guatemalan) were in line behind a white female and her young black son.

As we approached the voting machines, an elderly white man wearing glasses and working the polls blurted out, "Well, I see you brought the whole family out this morning."

For a moment, I was puzzled. Then his assumption dawned on me and I replied, "No, I just have my son here with me."

The man then pointed to the white lady and asked me, "That's not your wife?" I said no.

The man then pointed to the white lady's black son and asked, "That's not your son?" I said no.

The man then placed his hands on my arm and shoulder and said with a little grin and chuckle, "Oh, I'm sorry about that. I'm blind as a bat."

Honestly, it's the first time I've ever really felt offended since adopting my son. I've had other people make ignorant comments before and I've brushed them off. But for some reason -- whether it was the high emotions of a presidential election with racial undertones or whatever -- I was offended this time.

I truly don't think the man was being racist, but his assumption that we were a family because I was white, the lady was white and our children were of color was very ignorant. He had to have assumed one of the following:

1) The lady and I conceived children of color, which I don't think is possible between a white man and a white woman.

2) The lady and I were married and had conceived children of color from previous marriages.

3) The lady and I were married and had adopted the children, which I think is the least likely of what he was assuming.

No matter what he was thinking, his assumption that we were a family based on the color of our children was offensive. I mean, there were plenty of white men and women with white children at my voting place and I didn't hear the man lump any of those folks together.

Since I was a child, I have always hoped for a world where the way people are treated isn't based on the color of their skin. I hope my son will one day know a world like that.

Anyway, just thought I'd see if anyone here had any input.

[DFNY]

Sounds like the man was just trying to make conversation and, since both families were standing near each other, made the wrong assumption. Yes, he went about it for a while longer than he needed to (you already said you only brought your son) but this is still new to many people and he probably did assume adoption. I'm sure it was off-putting but it will probably not be the last time that someone will just blurt something out and probably more so with older people who may not be used to family members looking different from one another.

My DH is Irish-American, I'm Dominican. When our son is with just DH, people assume he's the grandfather (ouch!) or babysitting. When I'm also there (or alone with our son), people are more likely to assume we're family b/c I have dark hair and olive skin, though son is darker, especially in the summer. However, at Costco the other day, I was sitting with my son while my husband ordered some food and a lady from India (she told me she was from India) was across from me. She looks at my son and says, "is he adopted?" I didn't know what to say. DS is 3.5 and knows he's from Guatemala (just like I'm from DR and DH is from the USA) but to just blurt it out as if he's deaf or something was offensive. I simply said, "he's my son". Then she told me that her daughter adopted from China and she thought our son was also from China. "No, he was born in Guatemala." I felt a bit awkward but I saw that she just thought this was something we had in common and wanted to "chat". We ended up talking for 10 minutes since her family was still shopping.

Damaris

[Clare'sMom]

No matter what... it is WRONG to assume anything about someone's family... Why some people feel the need to get the "Very personal details" of who you are with, who is related Bio or not, or how you became a family is not for public discussion and is RUDE no matter what.

We have met some very nice people who have approached us (because of our children) with their adoption stories. I enjoy visiting with them but still have an underlying bad taste in my mouth about having my children be the topic of conversations because they don't look like my little clones. My children are very young, they know How Much Their Mommy and Daddy, Brothers and Sisters Love them, They know they were born in Guatemala, and that they haven't been with their family their entire lives. However they are still to little to fully understand what the word adoption means and are now very conscious of it…. When we are asked it they are adopted the girls immediately turn and look and Mike or I. We have explained what it means but I still believe they can sense our discomfort with being asked that question.

All we can do is to explain to people how we believe, educate the ignorant, and teach our children to accept that all people are different….

Ann

[lmvsmom]

I'm sorry you were offended. I don't think he meant anything by it. I didn't see the offense in his statement. My guess is he thought you and the lady were a couple and the two kids belonged to the two of you.

[DPline]

Honestly, I would take his statement about being blind as a bat at face value and assume that he was just being chatty.

[CarmJoeMom]

Wait *I* made this error today kind of. I was standing in line with my 2 year old son. Another lady was there with her daughter who was probably 3 years old. My son was trying to get the 3 year old to play with him, but she had no interest in doing so. A man standing behind them in line said "she's shy". Ok I should have realized that he was her father, but nope. I kind of blew the man off thinking he was strange commenting on this lady's son. then the lady and I started talking and it turned out he was her husband. I felt like an idiot. They were all white and the daughter was biological, but honestly I just assumed the husband didn't know them and was putting his two cents in.....

[drjeanne]

I'm sorry but, his comments just sounded like an old man trying to make friendly conversation to me! It doesn't sound offensive at all but, of course, we're only reading about it and weren't there so, we can't hear what his undertones were or "read" his body language so, I could be totally wrong. My DH is British and is tea-totally white as snow with lovely green eyes and ruddy red hair. I'm a brunette with white as snow skin and our DD is so beautiful and brown with her black eyes and hair...we inevitably have people asking us about our family all the time and I figure we might as well get used to it! It's kind of like celebrities and the paparazzi....it goes with the territory! People are curious creatures and adoption is not a typical part of everyone's life! Where we live, our daughter's birthplace is considered an exotic and faraway place to visit and people love her and want to look at her and touch her. She's getting used to it and so are we. I'm learning to be polite and try to answer their questions as politely as I can without giving away too much of her personal information and, if they get way too into it then I just say I'm sorry, I don't feel comfortable sharing that kind of information with you. I try to remember that most people are relatively nice and aren't trying to be mean so, I try to return that to them.

Jeanne

[carlyincali]

I wouldn't have had a problem with that. Maybe I would have had to hear him myself or be able to view his body language, but what he said sounded just like he was being a nice man.

I know I'm not the norm, but I usually welcome anyone who wants to talk about my adoption or wonder why my child looks different. I think it's important for people to know how wonderfully fullfilling adoption can be. It does so much more than just help an orphan. The blessing affects not only the child, but also the adoptive family and the birth mother. And I will always take the opportunity to share that with people.

[Waiting4Celeste]

I kind of looked at it from the opposite direction - that he obviously didn't think that you need to look alike to be a family.

I just think that if we don't want people to assume things about us, then it isn't fair for us to assume that just because someone makes a comment to us that they are being judgmental.

We've all said things that have been taken wrong or out of context. Sometimes we just need to let it go and realize that not everyone is as educated about appropriate adoption language as most of us are.

I am really sorry that you felt that way. It was your experience - and I am not trying to tell you that you shouldn't have felt that way. I was just trying to offer another perspective.

[menadam]

The FIRST thing that came to my mind ended up being your third choice, the one you did not think was likely.

If he thought anything negative he probably would not have said a thing. I think he was making small talk.

I am wondering though why you were offended to be linked to them.

[angel_bayou]

I"m sure he was just curious and trying to make small talk but he should not have assumed! Especially when you said I only have my son with me!

[JoshGuat]

Some of the help near the voting machines DO talk to families. Ours talked to my children a lot

I think the man by your polls was trying to be gracious when he knew that he didn't say the right thing to you. I do not think he meant anything negative by it. Old people talk and talk sometimes, I wouldn't think twice about it. Like Angel_byaou said "small talk". Don't take it personally.

You wrote" I didn't hear the man lump any of those folks together", maybe after he realized that he should not have said what he said to you, he wasn't going to do that again

[hscott]

I agree with many of the other posters.... I don't think offense should be taken to the old man's statements. He was likely assuming that since you were a man and woman standing near each other and there were children with you that you were a family.

I think I might actually be impressed that he thought you were a family, even though your children were of different race.

That sort of comment can happen to anyone-- man and woman standing near each other -- someone could innocently mistake them for a couple. The fact that he didn't hesitate to think those were your children is the amazing part and should be commended not be offensive.

JMHO

Heather

[JosieWales]

Originally Posted by menadam

The FIRST thing that came to my mind ended up being your third choice, the one you did not think was likely.

If he thought anything negative he probably would not have said a thing. I think he was making small talk.

I am wondering though why you were offended to be linked to them.

I agree w/this, although I was not there to see his body language, etc. I personally love it when people assume Owen IS our son, and don't assume that he's not b/c we look differently!

[Michelle Smiles]

I think it is kind of cool that an elderly man assumed that families come in all varieties. But we all have things that bug us - nothing wrong with that.