[nina107]

We have only been home 5 weeks from adopting our 11 yr old DD. We are struggling with sleep issues, (I know it has not been that long!). It seems she does not know how to sleep through the night. She is constantly waking up through the night and playing musical beds with our biological children and the living room couch. She is exhausted in the morning and has a hard time waking up. I know her foster home had several people living together adults - grandchildren and in a small space. This lack of sleep cannot be healthy. Our bio children are growing weary of losing their sleep also. Anyone else experience something similar and have any suggestions?

[mommytoEli]

no suggestions because my oldest still doesn't sleep....but i at least can keep him in his room. i can only think of the simple things- does she have a nightlight, need a light on, a special blanket, stuffed friend, books to read if she wakes up in the night, maybe a small snack left on the dresser....something she can do on her own in her own room so she won't wake others? good luck...i'm tired just thinking about it.

[LucyLuMyLuv]

Does she have her own (large) room? My daughter came home at 6 and would not sleep if her sister was not in the room. She was used to sharing a bed. Maybe try making her a small sleeping area in the same room with one or more siblings.

[Suzeb1]

I don't have experience with adopting an older child, but I do have experience with older children and grief. My dad died when I was eight and I'm very close with my nieces who lost their dad (my brother in law). Grief can last a very long time and impact sleep, eating, emotions, simply everything! When I think about your daughter's situation, it's as if everyone she loves just died.

My thought would be to view everything you see right now as relating to grief, as one possibility, and then chose solutions that will help comfort a grieving child. Is there a language barrier or are you able to communicate? Do you have access to specialists who help children who are grieving? My nieces were able to attend a program for children who had lost a loved one and it made an enormous difference for them. What I have learned through personal experience and as a child and family therapist, is that if a child is misbehaving or simply has bad habits, then structure and behavioral solutions can be very effective. If a child is exhibiting difficult behaviors because of grief, only the most gentle nurturing can help. Any other approach can cause the grief to become greater and lead to a more troubled child.

The best of luck to you, I can hear the compassion in your post and I know you will find her the help she needs.

Susan

[Devora]

I, too, don't have any real advice other than to say that this is to be expected. It is hard because no one (her, you, or your other children) function well when they are sleep-deprived. But there are many factors that may be coming together to cause this:

* grief
* overstimulation by all of the new people and experiences so her brain can't turn off and stay off at night
* hyperalertness because of being in new surroundings that she doesn't completely understand
* being used to sleeping with others in the same bed
* being used to there being multiple people sleeping together in the same room

Because there are probably multiple causes there will probably be multiple solutions. A little bit of a lot of things will add up to where she eventually sleeps through:

* some of this will just go away with time + a secure transition to her new home and family
* sleeping in a room with others (if she doesn't already)
* if she is in a room with others try moving the beds closer together -- like putting two twin beds next to each other so each child has there own space but she has the proximity she needs; slowly with time you can move them, inch by inch apart
* limit overstimulation when possible by limiting after-school and weekend activities, trips outside of the home, etc; just like it's advised with infants to keep them at home for a month, try this for 4-6 weeks with your daughter if you haven't already done so; there's plenty at home for her to discover and play with without adding activities outside of the home or errands (school would be the exception if she's already enrolled)

What does she say about it? The great thing with adopting older children is that they can provide some insight into their own behaviors, especially at her age. Ask her what makes her wake up at night, why she can't get back to sleep, and why moving around at night helps.

Best wishes.

[PabloandCarlosMama]

I adopted my two children a couple of years ago. They were 7 and 11 at the time. Lack of sleep was a huge issue during the first few months. It was all fear-based for them. At their orphanage, the staff would tell the children that ghosts would come get them if they didn't stay in bed, etc. So, they believed that there were ghosts and robbers out to get them. Also, they were not used to being in a "big" house, and they were hyper-vigilant in terms of hearing every little noise and movement. They have since said that because everything was so new, they really didn't know whether they were going to be safe or not. And they had come from a traumatic background, so that played a big part in our nighttime difficulties. I didn't know very much of their story until they came home.


Talk with her, and if you don't speak Spanish, you might consider getting someone to interpret so that she can be reassured that you love her and will keep her safe. It takes awhile for older children to trust that. Here are some things that worked for us--

1. Consistent bedtime every night
2. Story time
3. Staying with them until they fell asleep
4. Going to sleep with the radio or ipod on.

5. Giving them a special pillow or blanket that has your scent on it. It also helps with the attachment process. Every couple of days, my son gives me the pillow back, and says "Here, you need to sleep with it tonight, because you need to put some more "smell" on it!

6. Leave a nightlight or closet light on.
7. Limit her activities for awhile--she's probably on overload.
8. Let her watch Spanish dvds or TV shows before bedtime. (My kids said that helped them clear their heads, because they were so tired having to figure out what everyone was saying in English all day. )
9. Put your family picture by her bed, so if she wakes up in the night, she sees you.
10. Incentives: I paid my younger son a quarter for every time he went to bed peacefully and on time, and stayed in bed unless he was sick, had nightmares, etc. Maybe there's something that she enjoys that would give her incentive to stay in one place.
11. For over a year, I had one or both of them sleeping on air mattresses in my room until they felt more secure. Even though they come to us older, in many ways, they are emotionally much younger.

12. Ask your pediatrician about melatonin for sleep. It's over the counter.

With time, things will get better, and you will have sleep again. In many ways, it's like having a new baby.