[w8ting4Thomas]

OK...I have 3 stepchildren and the only one I was around at about the 1 year mark was a little girl. Other than that my intimate baby experience is lacking. So here goes a (probably) dumb question.
Thomas is a VERY happy baby. Always has been. He thinks he is hysterical (yes he babbles and babbles and then starts laughing hysterically at HIMSELF!).
Anyway, long story short his 'best friend' at daycare moved suddenly about 3 weeks ago. I am told he now has a new 'best friend,' Robbie. Apparently Robbie is very rough and considered the bully in the class. I am told he and Thomas like to run as fast as they can and hit the wall (is carpeted...(ugh) laughing). And last week they both hit the bookcase head on and had similar cuts to prove it!!!
Question - is Robbie a 'bad influence' or is Thomas being a boy and the timing of him getting older, more confident, and coming into his own just coincidence with his new BF? I know I can't always protect him, but yesterday after he got up from his nap he was very rough around the house...hitting the dogs with brushes (he has a thing for my hairbrushes) and then hit me once. Through all of this HE still seems happy, laughing at himself. I was just not very happy yesterday! We discipline, etc...should I talk to the daycare, look at other options like changing daycare (probably extreme) or just read more Raising Boys by James Dobson????
Thanks in advance!!!

[JustBarbara]

I'm no expert but I think it's a little early to even think about switching daycare - however ... when DS was transitioning to an older toddler/preK class he had a tough time adjusting and his behaviour was well, a bit rough. DS and his best friend are like brothers - they love each other, fight, copy each other, think they are both hysterical and greet each other in the morning. They both got time outs for being rough with each other - pushing and shoving and not sharing. After a couple of weeks they have both settled down and are back to their normal boyish selves. I think it is part of learning new behaviour, enjoying the challenge of competing with a bigger, tougher boy perhaps? or just enjoying the charging and crashing into things. As for hitting you - being mean to the dog ... for that I do the time-in. Get right down and face DS very closely and remind him that we do not do that, it is not nice and it hurts. So far so good.

[jennsult]

I probably wouldn't rush into anything right now. Keep an eye on things and make sure the daycare keeps you updated.

[dac_cincy]

I would not read the book- I read it before Aidan came home and I cried for the trauma I was going inflict upon him by trying to raise a boy when I am female. That book flat out states that a woman can not raise a healthy male.
Dr Dobson might have some good ideas on alot of things, but tearing down a mother is not one of his best ideas.

[w8ting4Thomas]

dac cincy...my comment about the book was, I have to admit, a little flippant. I, too, read it. Thought FAST because I work, have 3 stepkids, 3 dogs, and...did I say I also a DH who is an overgrown child????
I actually have 2 copies of it (been meaning to pass another on). I don't remember feeling the way you said you did, but Thomas was not home yet. I will say that I remember feeling a big difference between the sexes and was trying to compare my infant experience with my stepDD with Thomas and was realizing how different boys are than girls. BUT...it has been 2 years since I read it. I am going to re-visit. I have recommended this book to others and don't want to make moms cry!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for input.

[DPline]

I can tell you that all three of my children (2 boys and 1 girl) tend to be more 'spirited' around their friends. They kind of egg each other on. And this goes for my daughter as well as for my boys. She can be the worst! So to answer your question, I think it is probably a little of both. It may well be that Robbie isn't the greatest influence, but some of it is just being a kid too and some of the sillyness might well go on even playing with another child.

I personally think that a lot of it is inforcing what is and is not acceptable behavior (in your opinion.) And having daycare back that up.

Good luck!

[Devora]

If you're going to read any book about raising boys, I recommend Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood by William Pollack. Easy to read, based on extensive clinical experience plus psychological research, lots of practical tips for parents.

I think calling any child at that age a "bad influence" isn't the way to think about it. Given that you put it in quotes I take it that you didn't mean it literally, but still keep in mind that these are just young children. Yes, on average boys like more rough play than girls. But there are plenty of quiet and timid boys and plenty of rough housing girls. When we talk about gender differences we're talking about group averages, not about individuals.

A lot of the behaviors you described he would likely do on his own anyway. Increased mobility + increased independent thinking = testing limits. It's annoying sometimes, but it is healthy.

[dac_cincy]

Originally Posted by w8ting4Thomas

dac cincy...my comment about the book was, I have to admit, a little flippant. I, too, read it. Thought FAST because I work, have 3 stepkids, 3 dogs, and...did I say I also a DH who is an overgrown child????
I actually have 2 copies of it (been meaning to pass another on). I don't remember feeling the way you said you did, but Thomas was not home yet. I will say that I remember feeling a big difference between the sexes and was trying to compare my infant experience with my stepDD with Thomas and was realizing how different boys are than girls. BUT...it has been 2 years since I read it. I am going to re-visit. I have recommended this book to others and don't want to make moms cry!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for input.

I admit, when I read the book i was single struggling with adopting and I was overwhelmed at what was said in the book. I talked to a firend who is married and had 2 boys and she commented that the book made her feel the same way too. Now with a year and half of parenting under my belt, I get what Dr. Dobson was trying to say- that a mom alone can not raise a son- meaning boys need a male role model in thier lives. I understnad that and I understood that from other books I read, I just think his terminology and the focus points he made in the book were very slanted- he could have used softer language or more neutral language and still made the same point.

Love to you,

[JillnChris]

All I know is I have a daughter who likes to play rough and she is about the same age as your son. I don't know if having a foster brother influenced her in any way but she has always loved to play rough. Loves to wrestle and be flipped upside down, hits everyone, grabs the dog. So I guess my point is just that it is only boys!

[connorsmommy1999]

ugh, I dont like that book

I have two boys (ages 17 and 9) and I LOVE the book "Raising Cain; Protecting the Emotional Lives of Boys" -much better than the other one ~


that being said:
boys are generally active and sometimes harsh: The term "boucing off the walls" didnt crop up all on it's own and Robbie wasnt even alive back then so it's not his 'fault'

I think it's normal for boys (and girls too!) to go through phases where they test the limits of their world, their self and others. Yes, the influence of another person can inspire it but I dont think it's unhealthy or 'bad'.

Responding to it in a gentle manner might be the key to helping him difuse it.

[Devora]

"Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Lives of Boys": There's also a video that you can order from PBS, for those who find that easier than finding time to read.

[w8ting4Thomas]

THANKS to all of you. And thanks for more reading options. I have not heard of the other book. Buying it today.
I do understand that at this age I can't label behaviour or 'demonize' another active boy in the class. I talked with his teacher and the owner together yesterday afternoon (sort of casually) and they assured me that some of their 'labeling' of Robbie is probably a little embellished and that he doesn't do anything another one and half year old wouldn't. They also told me that Thomas is in a VERY active class - more so than normal. And I am also sure my little angel is a devil in his own way too!!!
Anyway, thanks for the input and the suggestions!

[hml1976]

I haven't read yet but saw an interview with Meg Meeker who has a new book out Boys Should Be Boys that I'd like to pick up.

My son is a few months older than yours (b.12.23.06) and is rough and super active. I do think that some boys (and some girls) are just kind of rough and tumble and its a GOOD thing. That competitive and athletic spirit will serve them well in life. However, I do try to teach that some behavior is acceptable and some isn't, obviously at our kids' ages that's kind of hard. So instead I run him around outside for at least an hour every day and make sure he doesn't have any pent up energy. You may want to talk to the daycare provider about what kind of activity the kids can get to burn off some energy.

Also, I feel sorry for Robbie, how terrible to label a little boy at such a young age. Really if he's a little wild at this age its their responsibility (and his parents) to find a way to control it without making him a "troublemaker" and then sharing that label with other parents.

[MamaS]

Wait until he starts the running and turning around in circles until he is so dizzy he is staggering! That's a fun stage! And he can do it anywhere -- the bank, the grocery store, the church foyer!
Boys are SO DIFFERENT from girls!
P.S. Everyone is right - avoid Dobson. As he has gotten older he seems to think everything a mother does will cause her son to "become" homosexual.

[w8ting4Thomas]

hml1976 - you bring up a REALLY good point about how the daycare should avoid the labels. You eloquently said what I was trying to earlier. And you also hit the nail on the head about what has been bugging me...that they also share comments like that outside of the parents. My poor baby is probably being called worse!!!!!!!!