[Amber76]

Our son's name is Benicio Jose, but somehow or another my MIL got that mixed up and announced to her entire church (the one where DH grew up) that we were naming him Benjamin Joseph. Now every time we have gone to their church for a special service, everyone calls him Benjamin. Sooooo annoying-especially since MIL knew darn well how important it was to us that he have a name that sounded at least somewhat Latino. Also, when we go to the doctor, they always pronounce his name Bee-nicky-oh for some reason. I finally gave up there and said just call him Ben. (We call him both Ben and Benicio at home.)
As for the school secretary, I'd tell her one more time, loudly, and in front of as many people as possible, and if she still doesn't get it right, ask for a meeting with the principal. Good luck!

[AdoptAmiga]

Thanks for all the responses and advice. I totally agree. It's unfortunate that so many have to deal with name issues. But some of your stories and responses are downright funny! And yes, I've corrected her two times now and spelled his name. It's not just a mispronunciation, it's changing it. I wouldn't mind so much if she called him "Carl". DH has a name that people like to shorten it to sound more English, like changing Ricardo to Ric, and it doesn't bother him (bugs me though!).

I agree with many of you that I need to deal with it more head on (speaking with the principal) the next time it happens. I will ask her if the name Charles is written anywhere on any paperwork. I also agree with the passive-aggressive/power trip theory - spot on. For now, I just can't say to her (or the principal) "Remember a few weeks back and you called...."

There was another incident I just remembered and really didn't give it much thought at the time. I can't remember if this happened before or after the phone call. DS forgot his lunch on the bus. After school that day he asked me "Is my name Charles??" I said why do you ask. He said "I forgot my lunch on the bus. The office lady (came on the P.A.) asked for Charles MangledLastName. We all said "Who?". After the lady described the lunchbox, we figured it out it was ME who she was asking for!" And clearly on the lunchbox it's labeled "CARLOS".

I was in the office a couple weeks back dropping off a forgotten nap mat for DD. (She manages to get her name right - Elena!) She asked (again!) for the name of the kids' former school to get their records (not much there since it was only pre-school). Now I'm thinking, "Well, if you're asking for Charles, no wonder nothing is coming!" Me thinks she'll be calling again....

[adcollins]

I think I might be tempted to respond in my own little passive aggressive way before going to the principal. With my very sweetest voice I might ask, "Is there anything we can do to help you remember his correct name?" and then wait for an answer. If it's a genuine mistake (which we all doubt) it gives her one more chance to get it right and to correct the record. If it's something else, it might embarass her enough to be called out on it in that fashion that she changes. Kind of like responding with "Why do you ask?" when people ask us rude things about our kids. It puts the burden back on her either to explain herself or to come up with a suggestion that will "help" her get his name right.

If that doesn't get you anywhere, I'd do the same thing with the principal. Like, "We've corrected Ms. ________ many times on his name and she just can't seem to get it. Is there something else we should be doing? It's very disturbing to Carlos to be called some other child's name all the time."

I really think that sometimes playing dumb about someone else's motivation can be the best response if you make them explain it to you. Usually they're too embarassed to do it and it kind of puts them on notice without having an unpleasant confrontation.

Anne

[Devora]

a name that people like to shorten it to sound more English, like changing Ricardo to Ric

For what it's worth, this may have nothing to do with Spanish vs. English. People shorten my name all the time (not my user name here which is unusual unless you're Jewish, but my English name which is common and never mistaken for anything else but is 3 syllables). Some people either just don't think, know someone else who uses the short version so they do it without realizing, they just like nicknames, or they think it sounds more friendly. Personally, it annoys me. Unfortunately, I'm not good about correcting them and if you don't do it the first time it's harder to do it later.

Our son's name is one that I know many people will shorten and I don't like the shortened version. So I've been proactive in teaching him to be proactive. When he was just over 2 I started teaching him to correct people. (Unfortunately, this was shortly after he had learned to clearly introduce himself to people so he got a little confused and he started introducing himself by saying, "I'm not _____" while he shook hands. He's gotten that cleared up now, though, and introduces himself by name.) I was so proud of him a couple of weeks ago when we saw a neighbor who always shortens his name and he said very clearly and in a friendly tone, "I'm not ____. Call me ___________, please." The neighbor was a bit surprised, but he has called him by his full name ever since.

But, again, changing Carlos to Charles has nothing to do with not knowing how to pronounce it, shortening it, or anything other than disrespect.

[marriedgal]

I was caught off guard by another adoptive mother! We were meeting her family, and she asked my son's name. I said Mateo. She looked at her son and said, 'His name is Mateo, but it will be Matthew now that his here in the States.' I thought to myself . . . uh, he's here in the States now and I just said his name is MATEO!!

It kills me.
I am absolutely fine with him choosing Matt once he's in school, but I don't feel we should have to change his name just because he lives here. He's been Mateo his whole life, he should have to change names.

Also, I'm surprised with parents tell their children to change their names when meeting my boys. Like the reverse of what that stupid secretary does to you. I'll have parents say, "Charles, tell him your name is Carlos so he'll understand." WHAT???

CRAZY.

[humanpitchpipe]

After thinking this one over last night, I have to post again. The secretary must know the correct name for your child. It is a matter of safety. I know that what I am going to say next could be a worst case scenario, but still it could happen. What if she is confusing your son and another child? Their records could be mixed up, personal information could be going home to another family, or your child could be released to a total stranger. (I saw this on a talk show where a school official released a child to a complete stranger just because the child and the man were both AA! The man was a grandfather who was elderly and honestly did not realize that the child was not his granddaughter, but still!) You are putting your child into this school with the good faith that they will take care of your child. How can they do that when the secretary (viewed by many as the most important person working in the school) cannot even get his name correct? I'm just curious, what was the classroom teacher's reaction when the lunch box incident happened? What else has your son missed out on because of mistaken identity? Okay I've said enough, I don't even know this woman and she irritates me!

[nwparents]

Actually, we have the opposite problem. Our son's name is LOUIS and people constantly call him LUIS! What do you know?

[dspakowsky]

Originally Posted by adcollins

"Is there anything we can do to help you remember his correct name?" Anne

I'm so going to use that!

[gwenrenee007]

It's not like she is just mispronouncing his name or that his name is difficult. If she was just mispronouncing it I wouldn't take offense, I mean I don't think I could remember how to pronounce 100's of children's names. However she is choosing to change his name each and every time she says Charles, which is just plain wrong. I don't know what I would do, but I would be offended!

Our dd's name is Delmia (del-me-a) but we call her Mia for a nickname. When we introduce her to people we usually just say Mia unless they specifically ask, "what is her name?" then we usually answer Delmia. People look at us like we have three heads! I don't think most people like it either!! I can't not imagine what will happen when she is in school.

[annaguat]

Originally Posted by Devora

Have you thought about talking with someone at the school about the situation? If she's doing this to you consistently then she's probably doing it to others as well. I think you can raise the issue in a polite, constructive way by emphasizing that:

- You know the school wants to be a welcoming place for families.
- You appreciate how in other ways the school is very respectful of parents and children.
- And so you are concerned that the secretary's refusing to call your son by his name even after she has been corrected multiple times is working against the school's attempts to be a welcoming community.

She may just not be the brightest tack in the box. Or this could be a passive-aggressive way of making people she perceives as "others" or "outsiders" feel uncomfortable. Either way, someone needs to know the messages/tone she is setting for the school. She is probably the person that parents and the public have the most frequent contact with so she is an important representative of the school.

Dito Devora. I think it rather odd she can't read or pronounce Carlos. It is also irritating how she still tries to ram down her way and makes no effort to correct herself.

I might drop the word discrimination when I talk to some one in charge of this woman.


Anna

[stephjoel99]

This is similar but in reverse. We live in South Florida and my husband's name is Joel. WHEREVER we go - restaurant, doctor's office, Costco, doesn't matter - 90% of the time they pronounce his name "Jo-elle".

I think people are just more comfortable with names from their own culture. Your situation is different b/c this is your child and it's his school and they *should* use his correct name. No excuses.

But with my husband we just laugh about it because it is pretty funny. However, he's an adult and it's no big shakes for him but I would feel differently if it was my child.

[margmbras]

I agree with the earlier poster about talking with someone at the school (other than this woman). Sorry, I have not read through all the posts...
We used to have a teacher at out school who purposely did this to children's names - Estephanie (sp?) would become Stephanie; Jorge would become George; ETC. She did it because she thought it was best (told other teachers this), not because she got mixed up. I just find it hard to believe that this woman can't grasp your son's name after you have repeatedly corrected her.