[adcollins]

Okay, everyone, I think I need some good suggestions on handling two problems that seem to be getting worse at our house.

Our daughter, who will turn 3 in January, is becoming increasingly resistant to sitting down for meals and for getting in her car seat. She has never been prone to terrible tantrums, thank goodness, but she just started preschool and has been more stressed than usual even though she seems to like it.

Lately, when we say it's time to come eat, she pitches an absolute fit. This can happen in both the morning and the evening. Unfortunately, she's one of those kids whose blood sugar seems to dictate her mood, or else I might just say "Fine" and let her skip a meal if she's not interested. I've tried saying that in the past, but then she waits until it's time to leave in the morning and has a fit saying she wants to eat. There isn't a lot of wiggle room in our schedule either, unless we want to start getting up even earlier (and we're already getting up pretty early).

I really want her to have a healthy relationship with food and so I don't know how much to mix up discipline and occasional "tough love" with food, if that makes sense, but I'm getting very frustrated. Do you have any good tricks to share?

Also, lately she's either dawdling a LOT or refusing to get into her car seat. She's at the age where she wants to do everything herself, so I let her climb in it herself and either I buckle it or I supervise her buckling to make sure it's done correctly. Sometimes, though, she just wants to move all around the back seat and refuses to get in. I've tried counting to 3 and using time out, and those can work, but they don't seem to leave a lasting impression that this is important and non-negotiable. If I'm not in a hurry, I just wait her out until she knows that we're not doing anything else or having any fun until she's in her seat, but when we're trying to get to school or something where we have to be on time, this is a real problem. Any ideas?

Usually, she's a delight and is pretty easy going, but these two things are making us crazy.

Thanks so much for any ideas you have to share!

Anne

[angel_bayou]

I have a two year old here with the same eating issue! She's still getting three bottles a day because she refuses to eat table food!! When we go out we always fix or order her a plate as well but she refuses to eat it!! I can't wait to see what others do!!

[BosMom]

Anne,

This all sounds so familiar... My son turns 3 this month.

Regarding meals... my son pitched those fits too and I gave him a choice (always give a choice!). 'You can come eat or go to the naughty spot.' I know the 'naughty spot' is not favored by some, but it worked for stuff like this...and now that he's nearing the end of TWO (PHEW!), I hardly every use it. Some times he'd choose the naughty spot (and that was okay with me). It's a battle for control of something... and this 'choice' gave him some control. He seemed happy with it!

I applaud your effort to help your daughter have a good relationship with food. I never ask my son to 'clean his plate'. I remember hearing that myself and NOW I have guilt if I leave anything uneaten (and not surprisingly struggle with weight.)

About the car seat... Some of the time you'll have to let her 'do it for herself'. That's a great confidence builder! I know it takes them awhile (and it's FRUSTRATING to wait). For those times when you really have to 'get going', I implement what I call 'the ART of distraction'. During the process of getting into the car I bring along stickers or teddy grahams... something that focuses his attention on getting THAT (and he's ALWAYS in a big hurry to get buckled in so he can get whatever it is I've brought along that day! Sometimes it's a 'mystery surprise' in a small bag or box.)

In time that need for control wains.... little by little until one day it will be gone. I'm just noticing a difference now!

Some criticize the 'rewards' method too... but they don't live with me. I don't really see stickers and the Teddy Grahams as a 'reward' either... at least I don't present them that way. I say 'Look what I have. You want these? Well... we better hurry to get into your car seat!'

My pediatrician took the better part of an hour to talk with me about these two frustrations. He shared a story of a time his wife was taking their son somewhere fun (the Park/Zoo.. something special). His son dawdled getting in... and his wife gave him his 'warning' (always give a warning, so they associate the penalty with their behavior). He continued to dawdle and his wife said - 'Okay... we're not going.' He said it worked like a CHARM. He heard all about it from his son when he got home... and his son was SO angry with himself. It was the consequence of his choice... and it never happened again. He encouraged me to 'watch for that opportunity', but I never had one...

Good luck!!

[Disneycrazed]

We also do the "sit down for dinner or have "sit time" (our time out) Sometimes she will take the "sit time" but then comes to the table a minute later.

We have always eaten dinner together and usually at about the same time every day. Consistencey works very well with our daughter. She knows what the expectations are. Now... she does have tantrums like every other kid obviously but i think the concsistency really helps. Also knowing the structure and what we always expect. She is little so I was always worried about her eating... so I would make different things if she didn't like what we were having etc... it was creating a monster!!! So I stopped that and she has what we offer. I have made games at dinner time to help her along at times. (she likes Spongebob so we say that her food is crabby patties etc...)
We try to make meals fun and enjoyable.

Now.. something that I personally have a hard time with but our Dr. told us to do was to let her eat on the run and give her food throughout the day. If she didn't want to sit to not worry about it and just let her take bites on the run. I understand that this may be a good idea for some kids etc... just didn't really fit with how we do things so I had a hard time with that one. But also an idea

[stacytoadopt]

Same issue with my 3 year old on the car seat. Only way I got it stopped was taking away something. I didn't deal with it in the AM however long it takes to get in - that is just how long it takes. and yes, we have been late a few times.

But when we would go to the park or something and she didn't want to leave, and therefore would refuse to get in (she could climb all over the car!!! I finally said that we would not be going to the park the next day if she didn't sit down NOW. Then next day I pointed it out to her that we were not going to the park because she wouldn't get it her chair when it was time to go.

Stopped that behavior fairly quickly.

oh - and for getting to the car fairly well in the AM. I explained to her that if we were late to school and work, then I would have to work later and she would have to stay longer at daycare. She would like me to pick her up when the preschool ends - not an hour later! so this concept has worked well.

good luck

[JustBarbara]

DS does not have an eating issue but if he did not want to eat I would not put him on time-out. Instead I would have him sit at the table with me as I eat and have a conversation about our day. You can't force-feed a child and I don't believe you ever want to make it a battle-station - just my opinion. As for the car seat - yes, DS wants to 'climb in by self' and it does take extra time and he'll have a little conversation as I'm standing there - you really can't rush the little ones as it tends to slow them down. If we are in a rush I do forewarn him and say something like 'oh goodness, look at the time - we better hurry - can you get in by yourself or should Mama help' - he seems to understand the need for a no-nonsense entry to his seat . Same thing walking home - it's faster if I put him in the stroller but often he wants to 'help' me push the stroller and it is a 20-minute exploration - fallen leaves, cars, trucks, trees, squirrels etc. you get the idea instead of a five-minute stroll. But he does help me stop and smell the roses so to speak Honestly, I just try to build in for a few minutes delay and most of the time I just think hey, it comes with the territory. Disclaimer - I'm a single mom of one so can't speak for anyone else.

DS does have a snack as soon as we get in so he's not quite as hyper as he might be otherwise.

[DPline]

Originally Posted by adcollins

Unfortunately, she's one of those kids whose blood sugar seems to dictate her mood

This really jumped out at me because it was very true for my oldest when he was a toddler. For him, giving him snacks through out the day to keep his blood sugar on a more even level really helped with his behavior and meal time battles.

For mornings, how about a container of dry cereal and a sippy cup of milk that she can have in the car on the way to school? (Assuming your drive to school is at least a few minutes.)

For afternoons/dinner, not knowing what your schedule is, but for my son, giving him a Gogurt or fruit or something an hour or so before dinner seemed to keep him on a more even keel and not be falling apart at dinner time.

Good luck!

[nannyisme2004]

Hi Anne,

As far as the carseat situation: If it were me I would quit allowing her to get into her car seat by herself until she can follow the rule. I would physically put her in
the car seat even if she cries and screams. Like you said this is non-negotiable. We have this rule at our house - when we go to the car the first thing we do is get in our seat and buckle up. And then blankets, toys, etc. follow. Once she begins to follow the carseat rule then you can give her a choice of tyring to get herself in. And I would only give her that choice on a day that you can go do something fun like go to the park, etc. when you are not in a hurry. You can tell her you are going to the park, she can get herself into her car seat herself. Remind her the car seat rule before going out to the car - that when we reach the car we get in our carseat immediately. And that if she doesn't there is no going to the park. Be prepared that if she doesn't get immediately in her seat when you open the door say something like, oh bummer that is so sad you didn't get into your car seat. We can't go to the park. Bummer. And go back into the house. And that is that. She will probably cry and you show her sympathy by saying something like, "that is such a bummer you are so sad or so mad. What a bummer." And if she keeps crying or is mad, just keep telling her "I know" with a sympathetic look on your face.

This should work. She will know what is expected of her and what is not okay. Hope this helps.

[Disneycrazed]

I think I should rephrase what i wrote... We don't do "sit time" for not eating. We do "sit time" for not coming to the table with the family for dinner.
If she doesn't eat she doesn't eat.... but like I said we try to make it fun.

[adcollins]

Thanks! I appreciate hearing your stories (and knowing we're not alone in this). With meals, I do think that my confusion is related to how hard to push her to come to the table. I have to admit, I've never been a big fan of just letting them nibble and run around the house instead of sitting down for a meal; I have a friend who allowed this when her daughter was really little and now she's having a terrible time getting her now 5 year old to sit for family meals. When we go out, or when my daughter is in the mood to eat, she does very well sitting at the table and can actually sit there quite a while if we're talking, reading books, etc. It's just that now she has a shrieking fit when we say it's time to stop playing and come to the table. Although of course I'd like her to have a good appetite, I would never get upset at her not cleaning her plate or anything like that; I just want her to come sit and eat a bit so she doesn't wake up starving later on.

It's funny you mention the consequences for not getting in the car seat when asked. Just this past weekend we were on our way to the playground and she wouldn't get in so I said we couldn't go. She was a bit upset, but it hasn't had any lingering influence on her from what I can see. Unfortunately, in the mornings there really isn't anything to use as the "carrot" so to speak. I've been thinking that at her age it would need to be a more immediate consequence, and I'm not sure how much the threat of taking away something fun in the future would register. It's really no skin off her nose if we're late to school or if I'm late to work. She does this in the afternoons too when my husband picks her up. I'm sure this is just a phase, but I will be SO glad when this part of it passes. It may sound crazy, but up until the past month I've loved this age!

I do appreciate all your advice and I'm going to try what you've suggested. If anyone else wants to weigh in, I'm happy to hear more.

Anne

[joyloo]

My DS is a bit younger than your DD but I am dealing with the same issues. At dinnertime I find a few things work. Giving him a warning that we will be eating 5 minutes before dinner if he is in the middle of playing. If he won't sit at the table when 5 minutes are up he has a timeout. As for the car seat I am still trying to figure that one out. He never seems to have a problem getting in the car seat when we are leaving the house but if we are out somewhere he tends to give me a hard time getting back in the car unless I can distract him with a snack he really likes or something ( I know...probably not the right solution ).

[Theslaws]

Our solution to the car seat issue has been shared responsibility. I let her get in by herself and buckle the top one (the chest strap) but the bottom one is "mommy's job". thats just the way it is. Since she is part of the process she seems happier and we dont have an issue with it any more. I have found that with my oldest these things are phases that dont last too long (although longer than I would have liked). For instance, when she first potty trained she would cry if I flushed (which I often did on accident, its just such a habbit). Now she could care less but we did have a rough few weeks of that issue.

I have found (with my own and the kids I work with) that the 2s and 3s are about independence. They want to do it all themselves and have control. If we "let" them have control it goes much more smoothly. Ultimately the choices are both things I want her to have/do but she is the one making the choice. Some day she will figure me out but for now it is working.

Good luck!!!

[sak9645]

I really don't like the pediatrician's idea of letting your child eat on the run and graze all day.

First off, there can be safety issues.

Small children (under 5 or so) should NEVER be allowed to eat where a parent or other adult cannot intervene immediately if choking occurs. This includes the car while a parent is driving. Just imagine your child swallowing something "down the wrong pipe" while you are going 55 mph in the center lane of a highway. What would you do? And also imagine your child eating when your car makes an abrupt stop.

Children should also eat while seated and calm. Children who are running around, tripping and falling, and so on are at risk of choking. If a child is young enough to require a high chair or a booster at the table, he/she should be IN it for meals and snacks, unless he is sitting on the ground at a picnic, for example, or on some other seat.

Second, obesity is a serious problem for many American kids. Yes, many of our foreign-born children come home so malnourished that we think they will be thin for life, but that's not necessarily the case. Allowing constant grazing means that the child will never really learn to recognize hunger cues; he/she will eat when bored, or when food happens to be present. He/she will also never learn a sense of what is a "normal" amount of food.

You can regulate a child's blood sugar perfectly well, in most cases, by serving three age-appropriate meals and three scheduled snacks. If a child gets truly hungry between these meals and snacks -- and he/she may, if he/she is having a growth spurt -- he/she can ask you for another snack, sit in his/her chair, and receive a small, nutritious food item, such as fruit or low-fat yogurt.

I also think that a well-mannered child learns to eat with his/her family, and to behave in a restaurant, by constant practice.

At a home dinner, or at a restaurant, the child should be required to stay seated during the meal. If he/she doesn't want to eat, fine, but he/she must then sit politely until the family is done or, at home, until he/she is excused. If he/she becomes obstreperous, it's time out or loss of privileges.

Families have to be reasonable, of course. At home, the child may be excused after a certain length of time, even if the adults are still eating, as long as he/she can play alone safely without active supervision. Or he/she can bring a favorite toy to the table.

And families should not try taking a very young child to the sort of restaurant where several courses are consumed in a slow and leisurely manner, since he/she simply won't be able to sit still that long. But a four year old should be able to join Mom and Dad for sandwiches and beverages at a diner without needing to run around. Some crackers can be kept in a bag in case the food is slow to come, and a toy or two can also be kept in readiness. But restaurants, even of the McDonald's variety, are not playgrounds.

Children should be offered some food choices, when possible. "Dad and I are having pot roast, potatoes, and green beans. Would you rather have rice instead of potatoes? I'd be happy to make some." Or "I know you aren't fond of tuna casserole. Would you like some of last night's leftover lasagna?"

If a child habitually says that he/she isn't hungry at mealtime, but immediately afterwards starts pestering for food, make a family rule such as, "OK, since you didn't eat at dinnertime, I'll be happy to make you some instant oatmeal, but that's it. We don't serve two separate dinners here." If the child is really hungry, oatmeal will fill him/her up and provide some nutrients. If he/she isn't, but is playing a game, he/she will soon learn to come and eat the "good stuff" at dinner.

Safety issues are not negotiable. Car seats are not negotiable, and not eating while running is not negotiable either. If a child won't sit down to snack, then he/she will have to wait until he/she is ready to sit down.

And teaching good manners early is really important, because the habits started early last a lifetime. Learning to participate in family events, to sit in a restaurant without disturbing others, etc., really helps to make a child a better guest when he/she is old enough to go visiting without you.

Sharon

[Michelle Smiles]

I'm feeling like a mean mommy based on all of the responses.

She sits down at the table for meal time - this is not negotiable. She doesn't have to eat if she doesn't want to - but she does have to sit.

And she has many instances that she can do things herself through out the day but I've maintained that the car seat is something that mommy always has to help with otherwise we would never get anywhere. And because that has always been the case it really isn't an issue.

[StefB]

Ah yes, the car seat. This has been one of our on-and-off again big issues. It's hit again in the past week or two.

I've found nothing that works every time. I hate to force her strong, squirming, crying body into the seat so I've tried lots of other things.

Time-out works sometimes. I've brought her back into the house on occasion for TO and that made an impression FOR THAT DAY. Sometimes I do it on the ground right next to the car.

Right now it seems to help to tell her that she can choose the music if she gets right in without a problem. Otherwise, I get to pick.

This can be one of the most aggravating things to deal with, leaving us BOTH in tears at times. From all these responses, it's good to see we're not alone.