[iamsolucky]

My son is back at Montessori School and a little girl told him this today. Of course, I feel horrible. However, I really dont think she has any intent to hurt him. They are both just 4 years of age. My guess is that she is simply recognizing that his skin is darker than hers.

I have spoke to my son(s) about different skin colors and how God chooses to make each of us. We also have several books about this topic.

I am just wondering how you all would handle this? I brought this to the teachers attention this week. She has never heard the kids saying anything to my son but since his class is so diverse she usually does an exercise in class about different skin colors. She said she will move it up in the curriculum and do it this week.

Also, do you think I should talk to her parent(s)? I personally think that it is more important to educate our son how to respond than trying to change every other child who may make a remark.

What do you think?

[lmvsmom]

Yes, I would inform the parents. If one of my children said this to another child, I'd want to know. You don't have to make a big deal out of it, but just to let them know what was said and suggest they have some conversation with their child about people coming in different colors.
This child is young enough that a difference could be made in her thinking. It gets harder as we get older.

[mommyofcam]

I actually think you should ask the teacher if it were ok to talk to or pass a note to the parents of the child. Sometimes one on one conversations aren't encouraged, unless initiated and/or moderated by the teacher.

I too think it was innocent enough of a comment and I as a parent would want to know if my child had said it too. It's now his/her parents job (with the teachers encouragement) to correct her now about noticing differences.

Bravo to the teacher for having this sort of lesson so young in life about skin colors and your handling your son perfectly too by the way!!!

[hscott]

I think you are right in teaching your son how to handle situations like this. We can't stop people from saying things, but we can teach our children self-confidence and a proper reaction.

However, if it becomes an ongoing issue and comments from a particular child continue I would try to have a conversation with the parent and let them know this is happening.

Let your son know he did the right thing by telling you that this happened.

I hope it was just a one time thing from this student!

Heather

[My Isela]

I think you should have a talk with the little girls parents...the fact that she said "it's yucky" makes me think that it is more than just realizing the difference in color. I'm not saying that she "meant" to hurt his feelings, but I think talking with her family can help. Maybe then her parents will talk about it at home as well as having the little girl hear about it from the teacher and school.

[robandjulie]

I would ask the teacher if she would/could mention it to the girl's parents. If the little girl had slapped or bit your son her parents would have been notified so they could address such hurtful actions with her (not saying punish her, but talk with her about better ways to treat people) and very hurtful words like that deserve equal attention IMHO.

From the perspective of a parent, if my son or daughter said such hurtful things I would want to know so I could move a discussion of diversity and beauty and appreciation to the top of the dinner table conversation for a few nights. It's not JUST the teachers job to model and teach such important life lessons (though her support certainly helps) and just like she's moving it up in her curriculum I would think most parents would appreciate a heads up that their child is noticing such things and might need some help in understanding and processing the differences in a healthy and respectful way.

[shelbydog]

I think the teacher should really speak to the parents....and IMHO the parents should then take the initiative to speak to you and also have the child apologize to yours. The teacher could also send a note home to all parents if she feels the words were "alleged" since she didn't actually hear it....a note stating some comments may have been made, and his is a great educating opportunity for all involved.I think the teacher should be the one stepping in to show this is unacceptable in his/her classroom and it's more of a discipline issue that should be coming from the teacher first.

[baby_abroad]

I agree that the teacher should talk to the parents. This will prevent any discomfort for the parents and/or you. The parents may be more receptive if it's coming from the teacher.

And then you could teach your son to say to her: "Oh yeah, well your face is ugly; like someone drove a truck over it." JUST KIDDING! =)

[angel_bayou]

I'd let the parents know as well. Although it may not have affected your son now what happens in the future if this little girl does it again? Sorry this happened though!

[Hadley2]

I could be reading into it, and I'm sorry if I am, but I don't think this was innocent. I think it was taught. The fact that the girl used the word "mud" and was negative about a skin color (not a judgment that comes naturally or innocently to children that young) raises my racist radar. Google "mud people" and you will see why. I hope you do not have a bigger problem than you realize. Good luck with this, I would puruse it, I would want to know who/what my child is dealing with.

[iamsolucky]

Thank you for all of the great feedback!

[felmel]

I think that the teacher should handle it. If it is something that is taught at hone then you will only be met with hostility. Everyone here would want to know so you could correct it, however, not everyone thinks the same.

[drjeanne]

Oh, most definitely let the teacher do her job and handle the situation! Do NOT confront the other parents on your own. You never know how other people will react to you. You just never know. They will, however, react positively to their child's teacher. They will have no other choice but to do so! Please let the teacher handle the entire thing! I'm sure it will save you a lot of unnecessary hassle and aggravation!

And, I think this was an innocent remark made by an innocent 4 yo. JMO

Jeanne

[SKL]

It's hard to know whether the little girl meant ill or not, but either way, I think your reaction with your son is the key here. I might say to him, how interesting, maybe she has only been around light people all her life. Maybe she doesn't know that most people in the world have skin that is darker than hers. Do you think she doesn't have anything in her house that is pretty and brown? Or something like that. Not to put the little girl down, but to let him know that ignorance / prejudice is her problem, not his.

I do agree that the teacher should talk to the parents. Like many here have said, I would want to know if my child made a comment like that. The worst that could happen is that the parents would remain in denial of the problem.

I don't feel the child is "culpable" at that age. She may (or may not) be learning racism, but isn't old enough to be responsible for failing to see that this is wrong. I wouldn't want her to receive negative attention because that would put the whole skin color thing in a negative light.

An aside. Today I received a coffee mug with photos of Guatemalan indigenous girls on it. I pointed out to my daughter, who is almost 2, that one of the girls looks just like her. Specifically, I said they had the same beautiful brown eyes. She immediately looked at MY (blue) eyes and then seemed disappointed. She tries to identify with me, and I think it just hit her that she and I don't look much alike. She was unusually clingy the rest of the day. I guess it's time to pull out those books I bought for this occasion. I didn't expect this moment to come so soon.

[Hadley2]

I'm sorry, let me clarify. No, I don't think the 4 year-old is a raging, culpable racist. Yet. I meant that it sounds like something she has been taught. This notion--specifically the idea of mud--is very prevalent in some communities, especially of a particular religious flavor. It just struck me that a youngster, if they said anything along these lines, would say "you look dirty" or something more conversational like that. That is the more common scenario. To specifically liken someone to "mud" is unusual and noteworthy.