[Waiting4Celeste]

I was excited that there was another Guatemalan boy on Jacob's soccer team this year... until I started talking to his mom.

In only TWO meetings - here are the AWFUL things she has said:
1 - She was telling me about when they went to Guatemala for pick up and she said "I was thinking 'man, I haven't even BOUGHT him yet...' "

2 - Jacob was whining about something and she said - in front of my child: "Mom, you treat him like he is the ADOPTED child or something!"

Those first two were said the first time I met her. ugh.

Tonight - another mom mentioned that she'd really like to adopt, but her husband wouldn't go for it. The mom previously mentioned said,
"Oh, Guatemalan kids have the best temperment - you'd love one!" as if they were a dog breed or something (we were JUST talking about dog breeds). Then the other mom said, "I have a niece from Thailand and they are really great kids too!"

UGH
UGH
UGH
UGH!!!!!

Can you believe that an adoptive mom was saying those things!!?!?!?

I was soooo excited about the possibility of Jacob having a friend from Guatemala, but I don't think I can deal with the RUDE comments from his mom.
There's just no excuse!
I hate to think of what she says to her child at home when no one else is around.

Would you say something to this mom???? She's very nice, otherwise.

[nannyisme2004]

I doubt there is anything you can say that would change the way she talks.

[angel_bayou]

By saying something it would probably make you feel better but like the other poster it may not change her!! I mean I know an adoptive mom on is on her third adoption and she goes on and on that they're doing it to save the children!! I don't know about you but I was selfish because I never once thought hey I'll save a child and adopt!! I wanted a child and adoption was our choice! I still get aggravated when people say oh she's so lucky you saved her I always look up and say no she's the one that saved me!!

[shelbydog]

I probably wouldn't say a word - just move on. Life's too short and your son can make other nice friends. She sounds like an idiot!

[giovanni7460]

In the 5 years since G came home and the 2 since Antonio has been home, I have heard so many "things" about adoption. This from Adoptive parents as well. This makes me wonder why I continue to surround myself with idiots.
Patty

[angieandstever]

A friend I work with went to her step son's soccer game and was talking to a father of a little boy from Guatemala. She was excited telling them about us and Gabbie and he responded with the fact that his child is American now and being Guatemalan does not matter. He said if the child asks he will tell him but he was not worried about forming relationships with others with similar ethnic backgrounds, diversity in schools, neighborhoods, or teaching him about Guatemala period.

My friend, who has been with me since we announced we were adopting, said she was shocked and speechless. She hasn't even adopted from Guatemala either but has just listened to me for the past 3 years!!!! She said she almost said something later but it was obvious nothing was going to get through to him.

It is really sad if you ask me. I bet we would find a lot of adoptive parents out there with these kinds of attitudes.

[hbrown22]

I think it's really sad when adoptive parents have these attitudes. When we were adopting DD my hairdresser introduced me to her niece who was adopting from Guat as well. We went to lunch and she was driving me absolutely crazy. She kept saying, "Down in Guatemala, the Mexican police are so corrupt." I said, "You mean Guatemalan police?" She said, "No, Mexican. They're all the same in Central America." Then she was calling her child Mexican and I kept saying that he is not Mexican he is Guatemalan. Oh my gosh, it was driving me nuts. Then she kept saying how dirty the country was and she doesn't want to travel there and when she does she won't leave the hotel. She had no knowledge of the country whatsoever. She also asked if we would tell our daughter she was adopted. Uh, yeah! I said we'd tell her from the beginning. She said she wasn't sure if she'd tell her son and if she did it wouldn't be until he was around 10?!?!?!? I said I thought he'd figure it out if she didn't tell him. After that lunch date, I haven't spoken to her since. I feel so sorry for her son, whoever he may be.

[Michelle Smiles]

I was at the pediatrician's a month ago waiting in the room for the doctor. I heard the man in the room across the hall. He had just adopted some older children (walking and speaking very good English) and was having them checked out. He was talking very loudly - in front of the children - about how he and his wife couldn't have kids of their own so they went and bought some "over there" because no one wanted them. NICE

[loveajax]

I have an internet group of adoptive moms (domestic). We had a "reunion" at a b and b and it was a blast. anyway, this other couple was there with their bio son and daughter whom they adopted from China. my skin literally started crawling when they talked: they kept calling her "their China doll" and making all these weird comments.

i actually want to throttle adoptive parents who do stupid stuff like this!!!! i mean i know we have diversity in opinions, etc., but come on!

[EZ2Luv]

I have to agree with Shelbydog on this one. Life is just too short to try and read into what others say.
I find as I get older that sometimes people will speak without thinking and more frequent than not, unless it is directed specifically to me, I just let it go.
People have their own thoughs and ideas and it isn't my responsibility to educate them unless they ask. Not only that no matter what I say will not change how they think.
I liken it to politics, I see so many people debate and try and promote their candidate of choice, the bottomline is their minds are made up and nothing will change them.

Another thing too is some people are just not all into the adoption experience as we are here on this site. A majority of these people do not participate on forums like this, do not attend adoption socials like Guatober and such and they just try an incorporate their adoptee into their "American" way of life.
I know a family years back that adopted 2 children through IA. These were Asian children and these people were Italian born but came here as children themselves. I am pretty close to this family and they know I and my brother are adoptees, but never once in all the years has adoption ever been discussed. They are just private people who just go along their daily life raising their children in their Italian American culture.

I just take a "whatever works" for a family. We don't know what goes on behind closed doors. These peopel that may say stupid stuff and may not appear to embrace the culture of their IA adoptee in public might be totally different at home.

Also, as adoptees(my brother and I) hated when my parents proudly told people we were adopted. I know it was because my parents were proud but we even at a young age did not feel any different, we knew we were adopted and didn't need anyone to remind us. We just wanted to be normal kids with a mom and dad. Needless to say the adoption talk outside of the family was short lived. For our family this is what worked.
I also find that people with bios who have adopted too are less likely to make a big thing of adoption because they do not want their children feeling different in public.

Some even nervously make stupid statements trying to be funny about it, like "we bought this one" or some other crazy statement.

Bottomline IMO is as long as you are happy, content and love your family, what does it matter what anyone else says?
The way life is today with so many choices, lifestyle and variables, it is all about as long as you are secure and happy that is all that matters. Just seek out friends and associates who think along the same lines as you do.

EZ

[Waiting4Celeste]

Originally Posted by EZ2Luv

I also find that people with bios who have adopted too are less likely to make a big thing of adoption because they do not want their children feeling different in public.

Just seek out friends and associates who think along the same lines as you do.

EZ

First - this mom I was speaking of has an older Bio son. Maybe that's why the comment about "treating him like the adopted one" bothered me.

Also - I have to disagree with you EZ. I feel that staying quiet about inappropriate comments, in a way, almost gives those people permission to continue the discriminatory remarks.

I am very tempted to pull her aside, and in a loving way, to tell her that some of the comments she has said has offended me. If she wasn't an adoptive parent, perhaps I'd let it slide... but she's "one of us". Maybe no one educated her about positive adoption language... and maybe I can just open her eyes to maybe something she didn't realize she was doing.

[sak9645]

The homestudy process should identify people with negative attitudes towards birthmothers, the countries from which they propose to adopt, adoption itself, and so on, and either change their thinking or disqualify them.

Unfortunately, too many homestudy agencies have caved to pressure from families for "quicker and cheaper" and do what is known to some social workers as "drive-by homestudies". These homestudies do minimal parent preparation. Basically, if you aren't a criminal, aren't crazy, make enough money, and have a fixed address, you can be approved.

The Hague Convention has caused agencies to add more parent preparation to their responsibilities. However, the agencies that are already doing good parent preparation will be the ones that give serious thought to how to do more. Other agencies will either choose not to work with Hague families or will make the minimum changes needed for compliance.

At the very least, internationally adoptive parents should be made to go through a course such as "With Eyes Wide Open", or "Conspicuous Families", or a course developed by an adoption agency or adoptive parent group. And there should be plenty of discussion between the homestudy worker and the family related to honoring birthparents, celebrating the birth culture, recognizing that adoption is not second best or shameful, and so on.

Also, in today's litigious environment, too many homestudy agencies are AFRAID to disqualify prospective parents; they don't want to get sued. So they rarely disqualify, and then only on very "obvious" and documentable grounds, like a felony conviction or a recent string of DWIs.

It is clear, however, that some people simply shouldn't adopt internationally. They have a mindset that is toxic to children. No child should be made to feel that his/her birth country is terrible, that his/her birthparents were terrible; the logical conclusion is that he/she is terrible. And no child should EVER have to form that conclusion about himself/herself.

A good agency should have the courage to say "no" to a prospective parent, lawsuit be da*ned, if that parent cannot get rid of the notion that he/she is "saving" a child, that he/she is taking the child out of a horrible country, that all birthparents are irresponsible or worse, that adoption is so shameful that you should not tell your child, and so on.

It's sad when a child adopted by "good" parents confronts negative attitudes in the extended family -- for example, when a grandparent buys gifts for the biological grandchildren, but not for the adopted children, or when an uncle uses the "N" word or makes disparaging remarks about Hispanic people, or when an aunt talks about birthmothers who "cannot keep their legs together". Good parents protect their children by telling such relatives that if they cannot adjust their attitudes or, at least, watch their mouths, contact with them will cease -- and carrying through, if necessary. But it's still sad for all concerned.

However, it's downright criminal for a PARENT to make such remarks, or let such thoughts govern his/her behavior. If one goal of a homestudy is to determine whether a family can provide a safe and welcoming environment for an adopted child, then that person certainly does not qualify to adopt. No child will feel safe and welcome when his/her parent disparages the very things that make up his/her identity -- his/her birth family, his/her birth country and culture, how he/she joined his/her new family, and so on.

It should also be noted that, when children do not trust their parents, and parents do not like fundamental things about their children, a climate is created that predisposes the children to failure, increases the likelihood of adoption dissolution/disruption, and so on.

Instead of criticising agency requirements and fees, I think that all of us should be encouraging agencies to focus on ensuring that every adopted child comes into a home that supports, respects, and celebrates adoption, birthparents, birth cultures, and the child's identity. Homestudy and placement agency requirements should be geared to making sure that every child grows up in a safe and welcoming family, and if there are fees associated with that -- for example, course fees or fees for more social worker time spent in counseling families, we should respect that.

No one wants to spend a lot of money on adoption. And we all wish that we could do an adoption that takes less time and effort. However, IF the costs and time frame associated with adoption truly reflected efforts to ensure that all children come into safe and welcoming homes, in the broadest sense, and decreased the number of families creating a toxic environment for children, my feeling is that we would probably not complain so much.


Sharon

[AdoptAmiga]

Yes, I feel sad when another AP and I don't click. It's so nice to have that connection. But, as with anyone else, I would just move on.

Originally Posted by Waiting4Celeste

I am very tempted to pull her aside, and in a loving way, to tell her that some of the comments she has said has offended me. If she wasn't an adoptive parent, perhaps I'd let it slide... but she's "one of us". Maybe no one educated her about positive adoption language... and maybe I can just open her eyes to maybe something she didn't realize she was doing.

I would be tempted, too. I would like to tell someone like her that our family is proud of our Guatemalan/adoptive heritage and our children see/hear/know it. If you don't develop some sort of relationship with her, how about modeling "good adoption talk" in front of her?

[angieandstever]

EZ - I understand what you are saying however I think my concern is when these things are said in public. It gives off a negative perception of adoption, especially the comments about buying children or the children being Mexican instead of Guatemalan.

Also although some children may assimilate into families with different backgrounds just fine, these aren't the cases we hear about in general. Usually the negative cases are discussed which brings a negative light to adoptions of children of different races or ethnic backgrounds. Let's be honest, some of our families stick out like sore thumbs. I know mine does. Hubby and I are ghostly white and our daughter has beautiful brown skin. For me to intentionally ignore the fact that my daughter is Guatemalan and assume all will be fine in her world is naive and unfair to her at least until she tells me otherwise. I feel I have no business adopting if I cannot see that and accept and embrace those differences.

Waiting4celeste - I don't think it can hurt anything for you to try to talk to her. It is not like if she gets mad you will lose a great friend or something. Good luck! I would love an update!

[waiting4cristo]

Originally Posted by hbrown22

She also asked if we would tell our daughter she was adopted. Uh, yeah! I said we'd tell her from the beginning. She said she wasn't sure if she'd tell her son and if she did it wouldn't be until he was around 10?!?!?!?

Ignorance is a sad thing - my son is only 3 and is always looking for people with the same skin color as his. To think a child won't notice until they're 10?? wow. We've said it often enough to ds that now if we ask him what color skin he has (when he brings it up), his answer is "a beautiful shade of brown!"

~Tricia