[Amber76]

Today my mil delivered two gifts from people at her church for Ben. (For anyone who doesn't know, Ben is our son through domestic adoption and he will be five months old in 2 days. Our daughter, Ariana, died while we were in the process of adopting her in Guatemala. She would have turned one next week.) The first was a nice card and a gift card. When I first saw the second one, I thought it was odd because the gift bag was green and pink, but figured it was just one somebody had lying around. So I opened it. Inside was the frilliest pink girl outfit I have ever seen, along with a card addressed to "Baby Girl" and our last name. The card went on and on about what a blessing and a miracle a daughter is. I felt like someone had sucker punched me. How could someone send me a girl gift for my son, especially someone who should have known about us losing our daughter? And the worst part is that my MIL thought it was funny. She actually laughed and said, "Oh, you know Gretchen. She's so flighty." I just stood there trying really hard not to cry. The last thing I needed the week before Ariana's birthday was a card talking about what a miracle and gift a daughter is and a frilly pink girl outfit. And now I am left with a lot of anger, both at the gift giver and at my MIL for laughing about it. Shouldn't she have seen that I was devestated? Shouldn't she have been upset too?
Thanks for letting me vent!

[CEB]

I am so sorry you had to experience that. I understand how that would upset you on many levels. Was you MIL's laugh a nervous one - maybe she just could not think of a good response quickly , and this was an instinctual reaction that she thought would not make you break down. Obviously, not very sensitive but maybe not malicious. I wish she would have noticed the frilly bag and asked her friend about it first. Sending a cyber hug to you at this diffiuclt time as you remember sweet Ariana.

[alreadylove2005]

Hugs and prayers.....now and for next week, as well.

How difficult that must have been for you, I'm so sorry that it happened.

It's so hard to tell what people's intentions are, isn't it? Hopefully your mil and Gretchen were just clueless.....

[angel_bayou]

I can totally understand why you feel the way you do and I think that is the most horrible thing for someone to do!! Even if that person did not know but your MIL thought something was fishy she should have peered in the bag and then NOT given it to you!! She could have kindly returned it to the sender and explained about your baby girl!
Wait a day or so and then tell your MIL how you felt about this! this is NO laughing matter!! Did you speak to your spouse about it? What was the response??
I'm sending you the biggest hugs today and my prayers will be with you!

[mksilvermoon]

that is so devastating - sorry you had to ever experience it - be gentle with yourself at the moment when Arianna's anniversary is coming up - maybe think about dealing/reacting with your MIL after the anniversary has been and gone

take care

MK

[Gatos]

I'm so sorry. It would have broken my heart, too, to receive the frilly outfit.

Feel free to cry in front of you MIL or anyone else whenever you need to cry. Maybe she would have reacted differently if she knew how you felt.

I am still broken hearted for you.

[myrachel]

I am so sorry this happened to you.. I think I would adress this ASAP.. especially the MIL thing.. maybe the gift giver really didnt know, but for your MIL to laugh... how ignorant...

sending you big hugs

alex

[SCMom7]

I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I lost a son almost 7 years ago when he was 17 years old. I cannot begin to tell you how many stupid experiences I have had. I've decided to believe that people are clueless and just don't think. Ariana's birthday and the anniversary of her death will always be hard for you and I have found that the weeks preceding those days are the hardest, some sort of dreaded anticipation. You are now a member of a club that no one ever wants to join and the outsiders truly don't understand. I will pray for you today and on Ariana's birthday, I know how difficult it will be. Hold Ben tight and love on him extra. My Ben was 7 years old when my Joshua died and I'm sure he got really tired of all the extra hugging and loving.
Laura

[giovanni7460]

I think the friend didnt realize. I will give her that. In my honest opinion I think the MIL did not think much of it because maybe in her eyes your daughter was not really your daughter. People dont get adoption unless its affecting them. I lost Mateo after 4 months and a long visit trip alone with him. I was devestated. My husband couldnt speak. He is a man who never shows anyone emotions. He was devestated. No one understood this. My own parents didnt get it. My freinds and family didnt get why I was so upset. When we got Antonio I heard such stupid comments on how better I should feel. I heard things like "see he is probably better for you guys anyway". I think about him everyday. I wonder how that little boy is and its almost 3 years. Ignorance is a great gift but not one we have to accept.
I am sorry for you. Happy Birthday to your Angel and happy 5 months to your little man.
Patty

[annaguat]

I am so sorry this happened. Too painful!

Maybe when you are able to do so let MIL know how painful if was. I agree with the other poster about crying if you need to even if it is in front of her. I don't know her but if it is not in character for her maybe it was nervous laughter.

I also think many people just do not realize how much we love our children even if they are not home yet. Ariana's untimely death makes me cry too.

As for the person that gave the girl gift, I can't imagine anyone doing that on purpose. Who knows what went on in her life but still she was as thoughtful as to get you a gift for your child eventhough she messed it up. It seems a lot of thought went into the gift, card and present. Maybe see that as the true gift.

Hugs, Anna

[JoshGuat]

I would just ask your MIL any concerns that you have, Many times there are misunderstandings and never ill intentions. Better to ask then to stew up bad feelings that may not be true of your MIL. Ask gently so that she doesn't get defensive. That is how I would handle it, I would not want to assume, especially if I was very angry about it.
Sorry to hear about your daughter, that is very sad.

[AdoptAmiga]

I would forgive the church friend's choice of gift as an honest mistake. Knowing how things can become confusing and turned around, she honestly may have thought your current child is a girl.

Many, many years ago, a friend's (who I was very close to at one time, but lost contact with), father passed away. A person whom we both knew told me that it was her mother that passed away. So I sent a card expressing my sympathies about the loss of her mother ( also had met her before) who of course, was alive and healthy! So, off went another card...

Mistakes happen! I agree the timing wasn't the best.

[Dmitry'smom]

I am sorry that happened to you. It couldn't have happened at a worse time with her birthday coming up. I would hope it was an honest mistake by the person and as for your MIL maybe she was uncomfortable and didn't know how to react. Or maybe she is a witch, I don't know her. My MIL is a witch so ... it happens.

Just ignore them and focus on the wonderful gifts you have been given. The son you hold in your arms and the daughter you hold in your heart.

[carlyincali]

Aileen, first of all, I agree that was very insensitive for her not to know. Your husband's mother. WTH?

But, you never know, that may be a sign telling you of things to come. Have you thought of it that way?

[mommytoEli]

i'm sorry. i would have been devastated too. i hope mil did not know what was inside.