[mommytoEli]

here's my ramble.

my 5 year old has a project due next week. it is the dreaded family tree. lol. now, i will say, the directions say "include only the family members that live in the house." to which i respond, if a child's parents are divorced, and possibly remarried, are they only supposed to pick one? what about kids who have half siblings that live somewhere else, but are still very much family? and then there are our kids....what about when they have 2 families? i have taken the time to ensure that ds5 knows about his family. he knows who his mom is, what she looks like, and asks questions about her. let's say i go the way of the directions and exclude her bc the directions say, "only the family members that live in the house." but ds5 asks about putting her on the tree? i wouldn't know what to say. i would have a hard time saying no to him, but if i said yes, we are not "following the directions," then if i "broke the rules" and put mom on there.....i wouldn't know whether or not to put on all the family members he really doesn't talk about- his dad and slew of half siblings. as much as it would "just be easier" to follow the rules and cross my fingers that he doesn't ask to put mom on there.....i also wonder what the heck they are doing with this project. i've thought about asking....but this is teacher who already does not care so much for me. lol. but if they use it in class to talk about heritage and where you come from and being related in a typical sense....and i've just "followed the directions" then his tree would be confusing to him.




so....have you had to deal with the dreaded tree? what did you do? what do you think you'll do when the time comes? i'd love to hear. and if there are some birth parents or adoptees reading this, i'd love for you to chime in too.

[ourdreamcametru]

I've not faced this situation yet because Castle is only 4 but when/if I ever do I plan to give her tree roots and the roots will be her birthfamily because that is where she started. Not sure this helps but it's my plan....I'm not sure I like the teacher's directions to list only those living in the house, seems odd to omit important family who may live elsewhere.

[Holifield99]

My sister's son had to do something similar at the beginning of the school year. It was not really to teach the kids about family, it was educational for the teacher. She would be able to tell if for instance - Grandma was raising the child, or if the child lived in a single parent family, had two Mommies, that kind of thing. Maybe that's what it is.

[annaguat]

Maybe focus on a tree filled with pictures and names of everyone that lives at home. It is a little kids project and she should be able to do it. Maybe she can take a picture of each individual person and cut and paste them on a tree she colored on a big piece of contruction paper. I would think it would not have to be a family tree since it is a kindergarten project.

Just wait till you get the dreaded bring a baby picture for your older adopted children. I solved that several times by letting my children go through a pile of junk mail and looking at baby clothes "models" They picked one that they thought might be how they looked like when they were little. Then when it was their turn to show and tell with the the baby picture they would explain about adoption to the class but still have a picture. Works great!

Anna

[DeeVee]

Since he's only five, I doubt they are talking about heritage and where they came from. We had this at age 4 (pre-k) and it was mainly just, this is my sister, my mommy, etc, and the teacher got to know who everyone is.

But, from your DS's perspective, leaving people off the tree might not seem right. I'd put on whoever he wants to include, and not worry so much about following the directions.

Another thought, the teacher may be limiting it to those who live in the house to avoid overzealous parents from including an extensive family tree, including great great uncle Bubba who fought in the Battle of Franklin

[BethanyB]

As a teacher who is forced to give a family tree as an assignment for second graders, I don't get why teachers still do this. I know it's in the curriculum but I wonder why things can't be changed to include more people or at least be sensitive to changing families that we have now.

At five years old this project is probably something fun and creative to do so that kids can learn about families. Family units are big in Kindergarten, first and second grades. In second grade in my district they go into heritage and what country your ancestors came from. We do a big immigration theme.

If I were you I would probably speak to the teacher and ask if it's okay. I can't see a teacher saying no. She probably limited it to people in your house because some people would want to squeeze the entire family (Grandma, Aunt Gene and the ten cousins that live down the street) onto the tree and that may make things a bit confusing.

[iwantmybaby]

Hey mommytoeli! My son had to turn in his family tree project today. We did it last night. (last minute of course) When I was reading these directions I thought about all the issues that you are writing about. In some ways it really bothered me that it said "only the family members that live in your house." I think you have to do what your gut says. If you are worried that he might really struggle with it, or it might upset him, then hands down do the tree your own way. I wouldn't worry too much about what the teacher thinks. (side note here, I feel like our teacher isn't crazy about me either His teacher certainly shouldn't count it against him, grade wise, if he has more than what is required on his tree. If you are worried about that, then here is my suggestion. I would do two of them. One for you guys to keep at home in his room, maybe. The other one following the teacher's instructions. I would explain to your son the difference between the two. I would say that the teacher wanted the projects turned in to be kept small, therefore she asked that you only include the people who live in your house. I would explain to him that this does not mean these people are his "whole" family. This is only part of the "big" family that he has. I would explain how special he is that he has so many people he can call family.

Good luck, and let me know what you decide.
Tracy

[mommytoEli]

those are some good ideas. thank you everyone for your suggestions.


tracy---his sheet says the project is due monday, september 19th....lol.....so i'm not sure if it was due yesterday or friday. oh well. lol.

[angel_bayou]

WIshing you lots of luck and PLEASE let us know how it goes!! I'm sure we'll all have this dilema when our children go to school!

[Angel99]

We did not have a family tree assignment this young but the first one came in first grade. I gave my sone the option of who he wanted to include - I wanted to go the birth parents in the "roots of the tree" route but he didn't want to. By second grade he was all about talking about his "really big family" including his birth parents. I think each child is different. Of course, it may be an assignment designed to help the teacher get to know the families living in the house. Good luck! Tell us how it goes!

[Mandy4President]

That is strange that the teacher said only people who live in the home. Has she looked at the divorce rate lately? I guess before doing anything I would call and tell her the situation. See if you can politely get in there that the rule is stupid - lol. Good luck with that

[Devora]

My guess is that the "in the home" part is precisely to avoid difficult situations for kids who have step-parents, live with grandparents, live with foster family, etc. This way all of the kids can do a tree and no one stands out as having any "missing" members or needing a tree structure that doesn't fit the template. So these instructions may well be an attempt to do a good thing and recognize that there are all kinds of families. I think it's most problematic for (A) kids who divide their time between two homes and (B) kids who want to include people whom they don't live with.

I would start with the instructions and talk about it as "who live sin our home" rather than as "family". But if your child wants to include family who don't live in the home, then I would. This is the approach that I'm taking to a pre-school project that's similar. (The kids don't make individual trees; they just bring in photos of "their family, including pets" and all the photos are put on one classroom tree so that there are pictures of parents and other significant family members in the classroom throughout the year.) At this age (3-4) they're working on familial concepts like who the words "parents", "sisters", and "brothers" refers to. This is developmentally appropriate as kids need to know that "mom" and "dad" (A) have names and (B) are not a unique relationship -- i.e., everyone has parents in some form or another.

However, it can be tricky because I'm sure the assumption is that kids have two parents (whether they live with them or not) and our son knows he has four parents. So we just practiced (in a light hearted way like we practice lots of concepts and skills) how he can explain that he has four parents -- mom and dad and his mother and father in Guatemala. I want to make sure that if he's asked how many parents he has and he is "corrected" when he says four that he can explain that his answer really is correct.

Here's a link to some good resources for dealing with family tree projects, genetics projects, and other issues that may come up in school assignments:
Adoption - Adoptive Families

And here's a link for school-age kids so they can hear about other adopted kids and how they deal with these and other adoption-related questions/situations:
AdoptionClubhouse.org - Adoption Resources and Fun Stuff for Kids and Parents - Includes Homework Help, School Projects, Famous People, Fun Stuff, E-Cards, Message Board and more

[Guatemom]

I've also seen where, in the instance of including birthparents, they are put on the 'roots' of the tree; instead of the branches. I liked that idea as it helps to reinforce that they are his 'roots' (ie, his birth, beginning, etc.) And it gives them a significant place on the tree the child can be proud to tell about (ie, if I saw someone on a root of the tree and not the branch and didn't nkow about adoption, I'm sure I would have asked why they were there like that. So it allows your child to have a place for them on the tree that will encourage questions, to which he can proudly respond)