[lou0728]

I posted this earlier on my blog. I am also posting it here too in case someone on here is going through the same thing.....it helps to know you're not alone.

I could say everything is all roses here, but that would be a lie...... Truthfully, things are tough. Things are tougher than I ever imagined they would be. Nobody ever said this was going to be easy. I KNEW to expect some difficulties, but I NEVER imagined this. Honestly. This is so hard. I am trying to do everything I can for Essie all the while caring for the rest of my family. I feel like I am losing on every front. Essie is attached. To. my. hip. I think she's only attached to my hip, because she has no choice. I am her only option. I know that she likes us ok, but I'm sure she's wondering where the heck Margarita is and when she's coming to get her......... Our poor little baby. She is such a sweet girl. She really is, but she has these emotional breakdowns that almost push me over the edge. Anne Pearce can just walk by her, and Essie has a meltdown. Essie hits AP just as much as she hits her........ It's constant with those 2. Andrew saw today just how hard it is for me on a daily basis. Both babies were screaming for me just because the other one wanted me. It's so draining. They're not napping at the same time, so there's really no break. When others are here Essie is the picture of a perfect baby. NOBODY can understand how bad it can be when it's just us..... Let me stop now and say this: I LOVE ESSIE. I do. My mothering instinct comes raging when she's hurt or when she really needs me. It's just that she needs me every second of the day....and night. She needs to see me every second of the day, or she flips out. I KNOW this is normal, and I totally understand it. OF COURSE she feels this way. Just because I understand it doesn't mean that it's not hard to deal with. Andrew and I were saying tonight how we know that God sent her to us to love and care for and that we KNOW that He will work things out. He didn't send her here to disrupt our family.... He sent her here to be a part of our family. I'm not blogging this to get sympathy. I am just trying to get my words out. They need to be out of my head. Isn't that what our blogs are for?? If you've been on this journey with us for a long time you know that our family has encountered many hardships and challenges. Essie is a blessing, and I know it........ I trust that in time things will get better. We do see improvements as often as we see regressions.... Speaking of regressions.... Today Essie turned into an infant. I mean really an infant. I had to cradle her and rock her like I did my newborns to get her to calm down. I always cradle and rock her when she gets her bottles and when it's time for sleep..... She obviously needed it more today. I did it, and I will continue to do everything I can to help her. I am her mama, after all..........

[guatparents2be]

biggest biggest hugs to you. i can't imagine how tough this must be. keep up the amazing work...it will pay off in the end. essie needs to be the baby right now and you understand. hang in there.

hugs hugs hugs.

and hugs.

[SKL]

Sending hugs and encouragement your way!

I know how hard it can be during the adjustment period. I wonder if you can get some help with your other kids as you focus on Essie. Is it possible to put AP in daycare? Obviously I don't know your situation at all, but I do know how overwhelming it can be to have two kids who are each jealous of each ounce of attention you give the other.

I struggled through things with two newly-adopted girls for 3 months, and hiring a nanny finally saved me from losing my mind. If I had it to do over again, I would have begged someone to come over and help me early and often.

Another thing I would note is that Essie might be just about to turn a corner. My elder daughter became unusually clingy and infantile at one point, so I just held her and comforted her, and soon she began to come out of her shell and interact more normally (around the house, at least).

Good luck! I hope you feel a lot better very soon!

[JillnChris]

Lou, you're doing a great job!!!! What a wonderful mommy for Essie to have taking care of her!
Just remember the chant..."I am safe, I am calm, and I can take care of this child."
Please keep us posted with her progress.
Sending you lot's of hugs....

[lisam631]

We've been going through the same thing and it's such a hard thing to admit: this is hard. What we waited, prayed and cried for is wearing us out. If it's not our son's adjustment issues (loud, aggressive, clingy), it's our 3 year old daughter's adjustment to having him here (whining, clingy, hitting, crying). It's hard on our marriage (whining, clinging, crying, yelling). But it's been 4 months now and tonight at dinner (out) our son made the sign for "more" instead of yelling, throwing food or hitting and you would have thought he had created world peace the way we acted and felt.

It's coming together but it took that one moment tonight for me to feel like we're all in this together. We haven't won the war but what a victorious battle this was!

Hang in there. I understand as do so many others. Good for you for being honest.

Lisa
Mom to DD China 11/05
& DS Guatemala 4/08

[annaguat]

Sending you lots of hugs. I know yopu love your little Essie lots. This is a beyond challenging time. Besure to build in some time away for you and your spouse, for all of you without Essie, eventhough attaching is so important. I regret not doing that with our first adoption. Anna

[Waiting4Celeste]

First - I'm proud of you for posting how you feel and being honest about what you are going through. Sometimes just "talking" to someone who understands can help you to deal with all of the emotions you are dealing with.

I remember feeling very overwhelmed with just ONE child, but feeling like I couldn't admit it because we had waiting so long to become parents that I didn't feel I had the "right" to complain about how much I was struggling. I definitely went through Post-adoption Depression. Wish I would have asked for help.

I hope that things get better for you. I don't have any advice for you... but when things are really tough for me I just try to remember that it is a season and will one day pass. I hope this "season" ends soon for you!!!

[busterleroy]

Bless your sweet, exhausted, overwhelmed heart. I was in your shoes at this time last year. I remember one day where I didn't think I could make it until noon, let alone another week, or month. I also remember one Sunday at Mass, standing in back getting ready for communion and I thought “God, please take over. I can’t do this without you.” And I meant it because I knew that putting our family together was going to be the hardest thing I had ever done.
Katie was the same age at pickup as your daughter. Attachment was an issue. Joey acted out because he was jealous. I don’t remember much from that timeframe, but I do recall I practiced attachment parenting as best I could, but every now and then I left to get a pedicure. I would slump in the chair and just revel in the fact that no one was screaming at me or for me for 30 minutes. It was heaven. Then I would go back home and try to be the mommy she needed me to be. I didn’t always succeed but somehow we made it.

And today she is the happiest, funniest, most loving little girl – better than I could have ever dreamed. She loves her mommy but seems very securely attached and is okay if I leave. We picked up in July, and I think things got better in February, if that helps. I know all families are different, and all kids handle things differently but that was the timeframe for us.

I got lots of great advice on this forum. A 4everfamily.org too. Your kids are closer in age than mine so it is a huge challenge.Honestly, my advice: look for anything, anything that makes life easier for you for the next couple of months. Let friends cook meals if they offer. Hire a cleaning service or let a friend or relative clean for you. Even one hour away, maybe just grocery shopping, once a week will do wonders for your sanity. A lot of churches have women’s groups that support families in times of transition – if you belong to one you could call and explain that you have a new addition, are feeling stressed and any help they could offer would be appreciated.

The thing that helped me more than anything was praying. I talked to God from my heart often in those days and He always answered. He knows you better than you know yourself, ask Him to help you. I am going to say prayers for your family. You will get through this, even though it might not seem like it right now.

A year ago I hardly ever posted on this forum. I was too….sad. God Bless you for having the courage to share your feelings.

[angel_bayou]

Lou, I'm SO glad you brought this up and you're NOT alone!! I have two daughters that are almost nine months apart and I feel this same way many times!! Olivia was born five weeks before Arianna came home at 10 months old. Now Arianna is not clingy to me most of the time, but Olivia is like static cling!! She ALWAYS Needs me there for everything!! I feel so helpless so many days when they're both fighting over me or one wants me and the other doesn't want to be held but needs me to do something else for her!! I also have an 11 year old so it's hard!!
THANKS so much for letting me know I am not alone!

[spragup]

Lou, You are a great Mommy....Essie just needs that special TLC for awhile to get adjusted to things, and you are doing a great job...

[cmfayz]

I am so sorry for what you are all going through. I am hoping it gets better with each day.

[wvamom]

I am so sorry you are having such a tough time! When we brought our youngest son home he was 16 months old. His reaction to change is to become frantic, refusing to calm down, running around everywhere, throwing things...I spent months thinking, "What on earth did I get myself into?"

I won't say he's entirely calm today (after all, he is a 2 1/2 year old little boy) but he is much calmer than he was. Things are a lot better.

I'm praying the same for you.

Carolyn

[shanpine]

OH Lou my heart goes out to you. I remember how awfully hard it was when Carolyn came home...how as m;uch as I loved her I wanted to crawl under a rock some moments and just sleep and cry. I can only imagine how tough this is for you with two little ones....you're right though, it WILL pass. But until it does, please remember that YOU need to replenish your stores too. If that meanse crawling into bed when your dh comes home and taking a nap or just being alone...you n eed to do it. IF that means a walk around the block...they will be OK. If you don't have the stores to keep on doing what you're doing...then NONE of you will be at peace. Hang in there....you are doing an INCREDIBLE job. PM if you want to talk...

[jules17]

Lou, bless your heart. I have been in your shoes. When we brought Luke home, I had a 9 month old and a 14 month old. They both wanted mama and were very adamant about it. Sam's whole world had just been rocked, as had Luke's. Sam wanted reassurance that he was okay and we were okay. Luke needed it to, but for differerent reasons.

My point - the first few months were hard. Really hard at times. Looking bad, I am astounded that I did it, almost by myself (Tony was working long hours at the time). I can't tell you how many times I said to myself, "God blessed me with my sons. I CAN do this. I WILL do this."

Looking back, I wasn't taking great care of myself either. I was on "auto pilot" and determined to do all that my sons needed. I don't think any amount of reading could have prepared me for going from no children to 2 small children 5 months apart in 7 months. Thank God I had my dear friends who had also adopted to talk to.

But at the end of the day, I would collapse. I was exhausted. P.S. I am currently intensely studying attachment (for school) and one of the elements that is important to attachment is that the primary caregiver has support and cares for herself. It is important for you and ALSO for your girls!

I am sending you big hugs!! PM me anytime, K? It does get easier. It WILL get smoother.

[myguatbabes]

Lou,
I can relate to how you feel. When our girls both got home, I was more than overwhelmed. It was so very hard, but after a couple of months we settled into a routine and I learned that it was okay to say, "I can't do everything" and just let myself focus on my children. My poor DH was stuck with a lot, and I mean a LOT of the housework, while I cared for the girls. All that to say, hang in there, it does get better. You are doing a great job with Essie and your family and it WILL settle into a routine as Essie becomes more aclimated to her new home and family. In the meantime, I send you (((((hugs))))) and prayers.

Blessings