[lyssie]

I feel your tired aching bewildering pain! You are exactly right knowing it is "normal and to be expected" doesn't make it not hard...it is HARD! and acknowledging that is huge! ...one day at a time...pace yourself if you can. I echo anna's comments there is no guilt (well, there is at first but, it fades) in taking time away with the others who need you (your spouse and other children) and the break will increase your stamina for the coming days. It is so tricky to find the balance. You will find it through time and repeated good moments. It sounds like she is grieving hard for her foster mom. (a good sign that she misses her--but SO hard for you!) Don't worry about that house or laundry...it will still be there tomorrow --any neighbors or friends around to help with that? YOU ARE DOING A GREAT JOB AND BEING THERE FOR EVERYONE AND RECOGNIZING WHAT YOU NEED TO DO!

[praying4rlittl1]

((((Lou)))) I totally get you on this one. I think the hardest thing is when the picture we had in our heads of how things would be, no longer matches the reality in our homes. I've been there (and some days still am).

It WILL get better. I know in your head you know this, but the day to day challenges often cloud out even thinking about the future. I have a couple of emergency suggestions for right now though.

*Wear Essie. All the time if possible. Don't put her down.

*The minute your dh comes home, take 15 minutes for yourself in the bathroom. Or if you can only squeeze in 5, take 5. Something to regroup so that you can face the constant neediness for the rest of the evening.

*Treat Essie as if she were BORN the day you picked her up. So instead of being x-months old, she is actually only 2 weeks, etc. You've got a little girl regressing and that's awesome. In essence you are mothering a baby, not a toddler.

*Let the house go, or hire in help right now.

*Read Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control. Sign up for the Yahoo group and daily email. It will help you. Promise.

And whatever else, know that we care deeply. Those of us who have been there are walking this road with you. Please don't stop reaching out.

[asauer]

Lou,
I am sending the biggest hug to you right now! While everyone's experience is different, I remember how terrible the first couple of months were when we brought Maverick and Catalina home. I think the worst part is having an extended period of time when you don't feel like yourself at all due to lack of sleep, lack of routine and general lack of control. Can you have a friend, relative, babysitter come over once per week for an hour or so? After the first 3 weeks at home, I realized I needed some help. So I had someone come in just once a week for and hour or hour and a half during which time I would go grocery shopping, take a nice long shower and actually get dressed without hurring, or go down the street to our library and browse while it was actually quiet. These things helped me to feel like myself again, and regaining that little bit of normal helped immensely.

[Michelle Smiles]

Don't ever feel bad for admitting it is hard or there are days you are at the end of your rope. Thinking of you...

[CEB]

Sending many cyber hugs to you. It is hard and you are doing the right thing - keep on trying your best for your family and come here for some venting whenever you need! I agree with others if you can find a regular way to get some Lou-time (preferrably an hour or so once a week but even if its only 15 mins in the bathroom), it would be good for you and the girls. Again, many hugs!

[dana3262]

I can't imagine the challenges you are facing, but it sounds as though you are handling them with a tremendous amount of strength!! Your girls are so lucky to have you.

[maccafan]

Originally Posted by Waiting4Celeste

I remember feeling very overwhelmed with just ONE child, but feeling like I couldn't admit it because we had waiting so long to become parents that I didn't feel I had the "right" to complain about how much I was struggling. I definitely went through Post-adoption Depression. Wish I would have asked for help.

I totally agree with Cindy. I started feeling overwhelmed and depressed while still on the pick-up trip, and had SUCH a hard time with Daniel for the first couple of months. I can't even imagine taking care of 2 kids, esp. while one is going through such a big transition. I stayed home for 6 months, which was more than long enough to realize that SAHMs are regular women forced to do a super-hero job! I have tremendous respect for you. And if you feel terrible and overwhelmed, even have the occasional meltdown, it does NOT mean you're a bad mommy!

The most important thing that DH did for me while I was struggling was to be the main caregiver on weekends. He got up in the middle of the night so I could stay in bed. (I woke up anyway, I'm a mom, but at least I didn't have to get up). He did most of the feeding, cleaning up, etc. during the day and let me get out of the house for awhile. Just spending a couple hours at Target or having coffee with a girlfriend really recharged my batteries.

Try to keep in mind that this gets better over time. It really does! In the meantime, keep coming here for support, because we truly understand. And see if you can get some more help at home.

Lots of (((hugs))) coming your way!

[ana-mom]

I can't imagine what you are going through but it sounds like you are a dedicated, loving mother who will push herself to the limits to make sure her girls know they are loved.

I am fortunate in that J came home a happy baby and does not appear to have a lot of attachment problems. She is only clingy when someone new is around her. Ana is accepting her big sister role with grace and love - she helps me with bottles, kisses J goodnight and when I am holding J will say 'my turn' when she needs a cuddle. That said, I am still exhausted at the end of each day.

I agree that you should take the time you can when DH is around. Try for a soak in the tub or a nap before dinner. You need to take care of yourself if you are going to be able to take care of everyone else and not collapse or get sick from being so wrung out.

Enlist the help of friends AP trusts to come and take her for a little one on one.

We are allowing Ana to stay up for 1/2 hour longer than J each night for stories and cuddles. I went to the grocery store with just Ana the other day so she and I could have some alone time.

When Ana came home she would cling only to me but DH used to force me to go out on Saturday mornings so that Ana would have to rely on him.

Sending you (((hugs))) and praying each day is a better day for you and your girls.

[mommyto2guatboys]

Lou,
I am so sorry you are feeling this way, I was in your situation almost 2 years ago to the day. The first 6 months were so rough for me, I had a 20 month old and our new son came home at 1. He was also very clingy, I couldn't go to the bathroom alone, throw something in the trash, etc, he would chase after me screaming. If I would pick him up my other one would need to be held, jelouse. The boys were constantly fighting, same thing, one would walk by the other and hit one another for no reason, my new son at the time used to crawl right up to my oldest and bite him in the leg for no reason, multiple times a day! I swear there wasn't a minute in the day that someone wasn't screaming and crying, it really does ware on your nerves. My youngest is very sensitive and attachment was hard for him. It wasn't probably until 7 or 8 months until he would say he loved me or kiss me. I remember one day in the grocery store, I used to put him in the front of the cart and I would always hold his hands when I pushed the cart, he used to force my hands off of his, but one day instead of forcing my hands off, he leaned down and kissed my hand. I think I stopped right there and looked at my husband and said, oh my goodness that was his first kiss that he initiated on his own! It was the coolest milestone that I will never forget. So my point is, it takes time for both kids to feel secure in the new situation, it is such a change for all, and Essie is just really scared. Find time for yourself, you have to or you will go crazy!!

Magen
My family!

[devildogwife]

Sending you some .

[WaitingforBrian]

HUGS to you. Am just coming out of a little of that right now. Essie will settle. Competition between kids is hard, but when you are tired etc , it is even harder.
Use every bit of support you can get, and wear Essie and wait it out. Anne Pearce and Essie will settle together and Essie will very soon know who she can count on forever despite her fears now.
You are not alone in this. Hugs again Bernie

[DeeVee]

Oh Lou, many (((hugs))) to you. I am so sorry things are rough right now. It will get better, and I know that you know that, but oh it is so hard right now.

Try to take a break from time to time, however you can, and let the house go except for the essentials. And you know there are lots of folks on this forum who understand and know what you're going through. Posting even just to vent is helpful.

You are a TERRIFIC mom!

[Aveasmom]

Lou,
I don't have any advice, as I don't have my baby yet. But your words almost brang tears to my eyes. I don't know you personally, but I can tell you this. You are a good mommy, you will protect and love all your children. It, I am sure is terribly hard, but you will make it, and it will all come together. Just like the song says "all you need is love". With this, all will end up fine.
Good Luck, Denise

[adcollins]

I haven't had the experience of juggling two, but given how hard it can be to adjust to just one, I think I can imagine a little bit of what you're doing now and want to offer all my support and encouragement. You are obviously a very caring mom and your kids will figure out that you have more than enough love to go around.

I agree with everyone about the need to take care of yourself, which is so much easier said than done. Feeling like you don't even recognize yourself anymore though when you don't have time to take care of even the basic things that make you feel "normal" just adds to the stress. I hope you can find a way to feel in control of one thing, no matter how small. I never thought I was a control freak, but after we got home with our daughter I realized how important it was to me to have just one thing that didn't feel strange and overwhelming, even if it was just something kind of trivial.

I hope that things get better soon. You're very strong and your girls will settle in with time .

Best wishes,
Anne

[MamaS]

My daughters were two years apart, but when the younger one came home she dedicated her life to making her older sister's life miserable! She would cling, and cry if pried off, she would sit in my lap and try to push her sister off, she would RUN to get between us if she saw me hugging sister, or even buttoning her sweater -- NO TOUCHING OF SISTER ALLOWED!!!
One thing that might help is put them on the same nap schedule. Even if you have to lie down on the bed between them and the three of you nap together until they get used to the schedule. Then you can put them in separate rooms and use that precious time for yourself.