[Guatmama08]

...their adoption story?

Our son is 3 and we haven't really spoken to him much about his story. We have a large family and felt that we wanted him to feel safe and secure in his home before broaching this with him. He knows he's been on a plane and he knows that his ball is from Guat. but we are answering questions as they come. Up until now. I am starting to talk to him a little more as he's getting older and talking matter of factly with him.

I was wondering if there are others out there that haven't used the "tell them the minute they get home" adoption story of their little lives.

Not dinging anyone. It's just our approach. He will know most of his story within the next six months as he matures into it. Just our way.

Sara

[Devora]

My son is 3 now and came home when he was 8 months old. From the beginning we have talked with him about:

* he was born in Guatemala
* he was cared for by I & G (foster parents) and their family until we could bring him home (we have a couple dozen photos of him in their home and he looks at them whenever he wants)
* how we visited him and then later brought him home from Guatemala (again, he looks at photos from our trip whenever he wants; we also tell specific stories about the trip)
* how he is adopted -- at this point we explain that means he has two mothers and two fathers: us and his mother and father in Guatemala
* he knows his mother's name
* ever since he came home the photo of him with his mother (from the DNA test) has been framed on his bedroom wall along with photos of his grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins in our family; he knows it's her and that the baby is him
* when we send letters and photos to his mother and to his foster family he now chooses pictures he has drawn to include with the letters
* a few times when talking about body parts I've explained about how his belly button is where he was connected to his mother when he was growing in her belly; when we're around visibly pregnant women I explain that there's a baby growing in her belly just like he grew in his mother's belly in Guatemala
* occasionally when talking about adoption I explain that his mother in Guatemala loves him (we know this to be true because it's the one message she wanted us to give him) but that she couldn't care for a baby when he was born and so she chose for him to be a part of our family
* I have mentioned a few times that he has two brothers and a sister in Guatemala, but because he's an only child with us I don't think he really grasps what sibling relationships are, although he's beginning to identify other kids he knows who are siblings
* He knows he has a father in Guatemala, too, but we don’t know anything more than that.

The simple adage about talking with kids about adoption that captures the heart of what research has consistently shown is: adopted kids do best emotionally when they have never not known that they were adopted. It shouldn't be a "big talk" one day.

At the same time, it's important to have the ongoing conversations because children do understand (and misunderstand) adoption differently at different ages. At 3-5 a lot of what they are doing is simply parroting the story they've heard. They may not understand all of it and they may misunderstand some of it. For example, it's not uncommon for preschool and young elementary school age children to think that all kids are adopted or that adopted just means being born or if they're the only boy/girl in the family and the only adopted one that boys/girls are all adopted.. So it's important to check in with them and make sure they are really understanding it. Also, as they develop more logical reasoning they will start asking a lot more questions as they try to grasp what it actually means to have another family and to be relinquished or abandoned. They will start asking a lot more "why" questions the more that they can reason. That's also why talking from the time they're babies is good -- it gives you the chance to be comfortable with the topic and to try out various explanations so that when the hard questions come you're ready.

Two good books for preschool children adopted from Guatemala are We Wanted You by Liz Rosenberg and Over the Moon by Karen Katz. They both include some discussion of having other parents. You might want to modify the terms that are used to fit the terms you plan on using in your family. (I don't personally like the terminology used in Katz' book -- "other lady" and "grew in her tummy", so I change them to "other mother" and "grew in her belly".) They might not work as easily for children adopted when they were a bit older, because they focus on infant adoptions, but We Wanted You includes pictures of the little boy from infancy through going off to college, so it could still be relatable even for a child who was adopted older.

A book for parents that can be very helpful in talking about adoption is Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self by Brodzinsky, Schechter, & Henig. David Brodzinsky is one of the leading researchers on adoption in the US. The book is written for the general public so it's easy to read. It explains child development theories in basic terms and talks about how children's understandings of adoption change at different ages. It's filled with lots of great examples and ideas.

The fact that you haven't talked as much about adoption yet is fine. You have a context (the airplane, Guatemala, and the ball) to build on. I agree, though, that it's a good idea to start talking with him about it now. If you wait for him to ask questions you might be waiting a long time --- either because he won't know that there are questions to ask because he doesn't have a basic understanding OR because he interprets your silence as meaning that it's not okay to talk about those things.

You can work new information in a lot of little ways so it's not one big conversation. I do this a lot with our son to check in on whether he's still got the basic facts straight. For example, he might be talking about so-and-so's mom and I might follow up with, "And who is your mom?" Then after he names me I might ask questions like "And how many mothers do you have? Where does your other mother live?" I don't see this as being much different than how when he sees an airplane I might ask him about his grandparents who fly to see us -- Who flies on an airplane to see you? Where do Poppa and Grandma live? etc. Or even as being much different from how we talk about anything and reinforce what he knows -- whether it's about making sure he remembers what to do if he gets lost, naming the colors of things we see, identifying different types of animals or plants, talking about how the world works, etc. There are so many little, everyday ways you can reinforce their understandings of adoption and of other things in life.

[mamaskoby]

My ds is only 18 months but in my own opinion it is better to wait till their little minds can handle some of this information. Just because they can answer questions and tell you things this doesn't equal comprehension. I think we will wait till maybe 5 to start broaching this subject.....

[NJNative]

We always talked about "when you were adopted" just as we would have talked about "when you were born."

Pictures are a good start. I am sure you have a ton of them. So sit down and look at the pictures and say "Oh, look, that's me and daddy and you when we went to *** to adopt you." (In our case it was out in front of the courthouse, with our lawyers, at his grandmother's house the same day, etc.)

If you just always use the word, it won't be a single "sitdown discussion" but rather a series of discussions that go on when the child thinks of a new question.

We also like to tell the story of the day everyone was born or adopted. (On my son's adoption day, we locked the keys in the truck of the rental car on a 98 degree day...LOL.)

Let the kid guide you...he or she will ask questions when they are ready to understand them.

Robin

[Suzeb1]

My daughter is 3 (home at 6 months) and we've talked about it since she came home, but not as a big thing. I decided to simply have the same conversations I've had with nieces and nephews (and that their parents have had) only instead of "when mommy was pregnant, I..." it's things like "when you were a baby and I adopted you..."

Even though I've used words about adoption, I don't expect it to mean a lot for awhile (just as talking about being pregnant wouldn't), but she already has very happy associations with the word "adoption" Just the other day we talked about a friend adopting a baby and she said "like you adopted me!" and gave me a big hug.

I think 3 is plenty early enough to talk, simply because before then, children don't understand what is being said, but waiting much longer than that could be problematic if your skin color doesn't match your childs. While my daughter hasn't yet commented on skin color, I have several friends whose children started noticing differences when they were three, as well as having had many people ask me if she is adopted (most of them in a very kind way) We've actually been reading "A Mother for Choco" in anticipation of that developmental stage where dd starts noticing our differences.

Another thing that I've thought about (and the reason that I've made the choice to be casual and consistent about our talks) is that I'm incredibly proud and happy that she's adopted (as we all are!) and I don't want her ever to feel, through my silence, that I'm not.

This is a great topic for discussion; thanks for bringing it up!

Susan

[Devora]

Even though I've used words about adoption, I don't expect it to mean a lot for awhile (just as talking about being pregnant wouldn't), but she already has very happy associations with the word "adoption"

I agree 100%! It's real common for parents (at least among my friends) to talk with young kids about the fact that children grow in their mom's bellies and then are born. They talk about it in relationship to birthdays, seeing pregnant women, etc. That doesn't mean that the kids really understand it -- or that they have any ideas or questions until they're older about how the baby gets there, what birth is like, etc. But they do get used to the general idea. Just like most people wouldn't explain sex to a 3 year old, I don't explain the intricacies of adoption to my 3 year old. But I still think it's good to talk about the idea so that they have positive associations with the words. That establishes a foundation for when they're older.

Just because they can answer questions and tell you things this doesn't equal comprehension.

There are lots of good examples in the preschool chapter of the Brodzinsky book that I mentioned about this very issue. You might enjoy that book -- it's got lots of good examples about what children may or may not understand and tips for parents on talking about adoption at different ages -- and how you can add more details as time goes on.

They don't comprehend it fully when they're young, but you can still build a foundation by looking at photos of their homecoming, photos from Guatemala or their foster family if you have them, reading books about Guatemala and talking about how they were born there and how you brought them home after you adopted them, etc. They can understand parts of it. But it's important to realize that until they develop more abstract and logical thinking they will also misunderstand some of it so you need to listen for those misunderstandings and correct them along the way. (Like when my son asked about my "other mother" and I explained that not all children are adopted. He's adopted so he has two mothers; I'm not adopted so I only have one mother. It was a simple explanation that he understood and it cleared up confusion about whether all people are adopted.)

[Dmitry'smom]

We have always done it from the start. My oldest brother was adopted as an infant and my mother always told him even as an infant his story. She always said she did it that way because by the time he started to understand she would be comfortable telling it and he would pick up on that and feel comfortable hearing it. They would avoid that akward first time telling the story.

I guess that is kind of what we have always done in our house too.

[Melina's Mom]

I have always talked about adoption in my house since my daughter came home at 5 months old she will be 4yrs old next month. I have 4 books on adoption & read them to her. She came w/us to Guatemala to pick up our son & she uses him to tell me stories about adoption. She is so sweet & smart she told me that her belly is not broken like mine so she will have a baby for me next week.. How I love my children so much.. I do answer any questions she has about being adopted, my son is to young to ask questions but i do talk to him as well about adoptions. I do not make it an everyday thing just when something comes up we discuss it. She knows she was born in Guatemala & mommy & daddy came to get her on a plane to bring her home to be a family forever... Hope this helps. I think you have to do what you feel is right for your child.

[2forus]

My kids just turned two in the last couple of days (actually ds bd is today) and they came home at about 7 1/2 months. We just started telling them their stories this summer. It's not a daily thing but a couple of times a week. Basically our story is that they grew in _____'s belly and that she wasn't able to take care of them, but that she loved them so much that she found mommy and daddy. Mommy and Daddy knew that they were meant to be a family the first time they saw their pictures. Mommy and daddy flew to Guat to meet them and loved them so much and were so sad when we couldn't bring them home right away. We were so happy when we got to go back and they flew home with us on an airplane and everyone was waiting to meet them at the airport and everyone was so happy that they were home. I always tell them that they were and still are loved so much and that they were always wanted. They recognize some things about Guat like the flag. I'm sure right now it's just a story to them, but it's a start. We also have Over the Moon and I've gotten a couple other books from the library about adoption.

[pjgodwin]

I love what I have started with DS - he is 2.5...

He has a birthmark on his knee. He noticed it one day and pointed to it. I told him that when he was born in Guatemala, an angel kissed him there. Since he would have to wait for his mommy and daddy to come get him in Guatemala, the angel gave him a kiss to be brave and strong, and she placed him with another angel to take care of him until we could get to him.

He asks me to draw for him a lot - lately we have had bath crayons and the walls are covered! Just the other night he asked me to draw an "awn-jel" - and then pointed to his knee. Then he blew a kiss.

I agree with other posters that a little bit at a time goes a long way. They will understand and how you want to share it is entirely up to your family.

PJ