[missylaw]

I know this has been covered many times here on this forum but I had a "run in" with one of our neighbors that completly caught me by surprise and it was one of those moments where after you come up with 100 responses you wish you would have said.

I pulled into our driveway from work and our neighbor who we have known for 2 years now was standing between our house and our other neighbors watching her kids climb my tree (another issue, poor tree is only 4 years old and small, I don't let my kids climb it). Anyway, I got out said hi and we made small talk. She said I saw "S" the other day (who is 14 and has baby sat for both of us, good results for us but they hated her) she said "she was walking down the street with a boy" I said "I know she has several friends who come over, I have met several and they all seem very nice" she said "Oh no, this wasn't just friends they were holding hands and he WAS THE WRONG COLOR!" I looked at her and said "I have no idea what you mean?" she said "you know black" I said is there a problem with that?" She obviously was upset that I didn't feel the same as her so she stomped off, seriously...this is a 40y/o woman with two daughters. She seems to forget that we have a daughter who obviously to her is of the "wrong color". I just can't imagine when Maya is old enough to understand this woman. We try to keep our distance and last summer she was a SAHM and down ALL the time. Now she has a full time job so thank God she isn't around much. This is the same woman who had a garage sale and I was working in my yard, she came over and said "those Mexicans drive me crazy, I just want to tell them to leave.all they want is for me to give things away!!! Now again at that time I was so shocked at what she said I changed the subject but am kicking myself for not "giving it to her"
We both grew up in similar areas East Ohio/Penn. in the big steel mill area where there is a lot of bias but my parents raised me the complete opposite of her obviously.

Ok, so this is long sorry. Curious what your responses would have been, and what I might say in the future so my daughter isn't exposed to this ignorant woman

[connorsmommy1999]

I had had several of these types of encounters...and they bugged me...so I talked to our adoption therapist about it.

He suggested that I try this:

talk to them about the issue after you've had time to cool off/get over the shock and tell them how it made you feel...just come right out and say, "when you said........ I felt scared (dont refer to anger, which will only make them defensive, just stick to the deep down gut feeling which is usually fear) because my own daughter has brown skin (or whatever you want to use there) and it made me worry about how you might view her and if you think something negative of her then she might pick up on it and I'm afraid it might have an impact on her self esteem"

I've now done this with three of the people and the results have been AMAZING! They are shocked at first...then it sinks in and they apologize or start stammering. The apology isnt what I want...I dont want them to feel bad or guilty, I just want to bring awareness to the front of their minds. I want them to know how their words impact me....and they seem to be very shocked that their words could be bringing up fear about how my daughter might be treated.

This route seems to be working (so far) --and two of these people have been VERY rude in the past...very racist comments.

I think any time we are responding from a place where we are expressing our genuine feelings and exposing the root of whatever needs we have that are not being met ---in this case we need to know that our children will be accepted and loved no matter their skin color ----if we respond to these people from that place of just exposing our own fears then we have a better chance of causing a real change of their heart. If we fight back with something just as rude as they threw out then they just get defensive and put up more and more barriers.

[TheFoxx]

I think you missed an opportunity to let her know that you are not a racist and that you are offended by her comments. Silence = acceptance.

I agree with connorsmommy - once you have calmed down, you must address it with her. Although I wouldn't use the word "scared" because I wouldn't want her to think she can intimidate me.

Also, for the future, when someone makes a horrible remark in your presence, all you need to say is "what a horrible thing to say" and walk away.

[drasusi]

Thanks to Missy for asking an important question, and to connorsmommy1999 for suggesting a gentle and thoughtful response. The race thing is a button that is easily pushed for me, and I think reframing the anger I often feel as a fear of rejection for my son is probably honest, and should be helpful in responding to the occasional ugly comment or question.

Peace.

[lcikra00]

[quote] Let her know that you are not a racist and that you are offended by her comments [quote]

This is something that I will keep tucked away for that ever so inevitable day when someone says something racially offensive to me. Thanks for the quote!

[kathleenmarie]

I think when you said, "is there a problem with that," and she stomped off, she knew that you didnt agree with her and that you made your feelings perfectly clear. You were not silent letting her know how you feel. Put a little fence around that poor tree!!!

[drjeanne]

I agree with Kathleen! I think you totally said the right thing! You let her know you didn't agree but, you didn't put her on the spot by pointing out that she was in the wrong and pointing your finger at her and making her uncomfortable. You did it amicably. She got uncomfortable and left. GOOD! That's the response we are looking for! Racists! Funny how they never seem to know who they are!

Jeanne

[AngelQT]

My latest come back is:

Will you do me a favor, don't say things like that infront of my children, Thank Goodness, they are to young to understand Ignorance right now....

[lmvsmom]

I think you handled it perfectly!

[mommytoEli]

i'm *assuming* the girl was white...and when i do that in response to her when she said he was "the wrong color" i would have said, "white?"

you did a good job, too, i liked your response.

[hbrown22]

I liked your response as well. She obviously knew you did not agree with her but while she was walking away I would've yelled, "And quit letting your kids climb my tree! The thing is going to fall over!"

[FatherOfOne]

Definetley answered perfect. She obviously realized you dont feel the same, so now hopefully she wont mention it again!!!

[lyssie]

I do like connorsmommy1999's response. Although it is a much more mature approach than I would naturally be inclined to give, I think it would be very effective especially if you were going to be dealing with the person regularly again.

I probably need to have a conversation along these lines with the woman who told me Guatemalan adoptions were shut down "BECAUSE THEY (the children)WERE ALL STOLEN!" all I could think to say was...well ours weren't!?!?!?---i know it was a terrible response

[drjeanne]

Lyssie,
I've had that one before too and later on I thought I should have said "do you ever read any real news or do you just stick to the headlines on Star magazine's cover while you stand in line at the grocery store?" I tell ya....people are really somethin' aren't they?

Jeanne

[lyssie]

Yeah, I wish I would have asked her in all sincerity "do you really believe that?" Because in my mind it shows a very shallow understanding of something that is VERY complex--the long tedious process of adopting a child is definately an education!