[wadesmama]

Just wanted to let everyone know I'm back from Gaut. The visit was good except for a few things. One the fm is letting my son call her mamma. I told her he could call her anything she wants except mamma that was my name. She wasn't happy with that and said he didn't really know what it meant. I said, yes he does because when you left he was crying ro his mamma!!! Second she is not using his adopted name though we have repeatedly asked her to do so. So he is 15 months old and responds to a birth name that we have no intention of using!!! And last but not least we have to hire an attny in Sayachen, peten to fix the originnal BC that the government made a mistake on. Can it get worse? YES, it will cost us 600.00 and take 2 MONTHS. So guess I'll be working on Extention for 171-H since it expires in NOV. I'm so angry today. I really hate this process, my agency, and my lawyer for dragging their feet once again.

[GuatMommy2Be]

Hi,

I am so sorry to read this. It is so emotionally hard once these children begin getting older and no closer to coming home.

My daughter was called "Kiada" (Kiara) because that is what we were intending to name her, but ended up naming her Madeline. She came home at 16 months and took to the name just fine. So I hope that gives you some comfort and something less to worry about.

Is it possible for you to foster your little boy?

Why do you have to hire (and pay for..) another attorney? We were given that option when we needed our BC rectified but opted not to do it and it only took 6 weeks (which is an eternity when you've been waiting for so long...)

Hugs to you!

[dac_cincy]

I am so sorry that you are going through this, it sounds like you foster mother is breaking down the barrier/wall that most keep up. I know my foster mother never actually called Bug by his name- he was always bebe, nene, or a shorten version of his birht name, but never hsi full name. I never told them I was changing his name and then when he came home at 21.5 months, we made the switch.
Hopefully you and the foster mother can come to resolution on this so that there is the least amount of change for your son- perhaps you could present it to you foster mother like that- you are Momma, his name is XXXXX so that when he does come home, the transition is easier for him. Aks her what name she woudl like to be called by your son besides momma and then refer to her by that name/title so that she sees that you will continue with that title.

I am sending you hugs,
Love to you

[nina107]

I am sorry that you keep getting more bad news. I was hoping that you would make progress while in GT. I know that there are worse cases, but I really wonder how much we can take! Everyone assures that this will fade when we get our children home, but it is hard to keep positive through all of the ridiculous delays that are out of our control. Keeping you in my prayers.
Dawn

[Aveasmom]

So sorry Sometimes I wonder if they are really thinking of the child. And the foster mother, what is she thinking. She should be doing what is best for the baby. The Baby will be leaving soon and she knows it. What is her problem Well I hope everything gets better for you. I will be thinking and praying for you.

[DDAmasa]

I wouldn't worry about your son calling his foster mom "momma". It's normal at his age for a child to call everyone "momma" or "dada". They simply can't say much else. These are the first words most children start to say. And they have no idea what the words really mean. They usually connect them with people in general, but not with specific people. My son called me, my mother, my sisters and my nieces "momma" until he was over 18 months old and could finally start to say some other words. It doesn't mean anything. It's important that he be able to call her something and it's not so easy to teach a child that age other words. I'd cut her a lot of slack on that.

[Dmitry'smom]

Did they tell you why it is going to take two months? My daughter came from Sayaxche Peten also and we had to FIGHT in court to get our BC. (it was six months from PGN to pickup) but once the courts made them issue the BC they ( the government ) made a mistake on it and had to reissue it. It took only about 2 or so weeks.

Why do you have to have an attorney in Peten? We used our same attorney the entire time. Pete in a different place I am sorry you are having to go through issues with them too.

[MicheleB]

I know it 's emotional and a tough time right now with Guatemala adoptions. I am sorry you are feeling this way right now - not having this child home right now really hurts.

However, I have to say, what you are experiencing is not "abnormal". Many foster moms are instructed to not call the child by their new name for several reasons. One reason is that the adoption is not final until the very end. Things can happen - we all know that things happen with Guatemalan adoptions. Therefore, I know that some hogar's and attorneys do not allow for the children to be called by the new name that they MAY have after the adoption is final. Not a fun thought - but it is reality.

Secondly, with the momma thing. My kids all said momma by the time they came home. Sure it hurts to see them calling for their foster mom - i am not sure they really "know" what momma means - but what it does show is that this child has bonded. This child has been loved and cared for and has bonded with their foster mom. That is a much better situation than a child who hasn't bonded or is unable to bond. So, although it hurts you to see that bond - the fact that this child HAS bonded is a great thing! Trust those of us who have gone through or are going through working with a child with bonding issues.

Hope that makes sense!

One option that you may want to think of has already been mentioned - fostering yourself. That would be a great alternative for your situation if it is something you can do!

Take care!

[SKL]

I'm sorry for your very long wait. I hope things get resolved soon!

My wee one's foster mom did the same thing as yours - declined to use the name I chose (she didn't seem to like it, and still uses her birth name over a year later); and taught the baby that she was "mama." Yes, she did have trouble observing the "boundary" between the foster mom and forever mom roles. This was her first foster child and she was so in love with her. It hurt her so much to give her up. I totally sympathize with her.

My daughter didn't have any problems as a result of the name change (I just called her both names together for a while). She figured out who her forever mom was pretty quick. She has always been a very loving and well-adjusted child, thanks to the blessed love of her foster mom. I was disappointed at first that the foster mom put herself more into the "mom" role than I would have liked, but it all worked out. So, I'd say don't worry about that.

I do understand your frustration with this overall process. It really sucks, what else can we say? Wishing you the best for the remaining steps.

[susy...patience]

Another note on the "mama" thing -- my little girl came home at 14 1/2 months & she called the foster mom "Bea."

I have tried to teach her who mama is through a song where I touch my chest & say: Were is mama? (or donde esta mama?) For a while, I couldn't tell when she was saying Elmo (who's very big in our house) vs. mama.

Now the word "mama" is clearer but she taps her own chest & says "mama" -- so I think I have totally confused the little girl between her, Elmo & me....but I'm sure it will work out eventually (and she always looks to me for comfort no matter what my name is).

[DFNY]

I'm sure this is a hard time for you, especially if you were expecting to hear better news on the status of your case. I hope things are resolved quickly and your son can come home ASAP.

RE: the name--your child will certainly adjust if you decide to change his name, especially since he's not that old. In our case, my daughter was referred to us at 2 wks. She turned 3 yrs old in June and we're still waiting for her to come home, something we would never have dreamt possible. During the last 3 yrs, she has been called by the name we planned to name her (Rebecca), by her given name (N) and then, mistakenly, by her birthmom's name (V). The FF did call her Rebecca as we asked for the first 16 months of her life. Then DD was moved to an hogar and the director mistakenly called our DD by her birthmom's name (V). We visited DD at 19 months and found out about this error. We decided that if DD was used to that name, we would honor the birthmom by choosing her name as our DD's name. DD responded to V or N. Then, DD was released from the hogar, returned to the FF and they would call her by this new name (V) but, lo and behold, DD started playing with a Build A Bear that we'd sent her months before and it had my voice singing to her, calling her by her given name (N) and that's the only name DD wants. She points to herself and says "N". We've decided that her given name will continue to be her name and we feel very comfortable about that. We believe we will also include the birthmom's name as part of her permanent name.

RE: Momma--I agree with the previous poster about the need to bond and the fact that children will often call more than one person "Momma". I don't doubt it hurts you as it did me but, once you bring him home, you will indeed be his one and only Momma and, for now, you are blessed to have your child cared for by someone who is his mother figure. Imagine if my daughter didn't call anyone Momma after all these unexpected delays in the process? Who would have ever thought that we'd be waiting 3 years? The FF is her mother, the only one she's ever known. She'll get over the confusion once she comes home and I become her caregiver and the one she sees every day. When we visited in June, she called 3 of us "Mama": the FM, the FM's mother (a very big part of DD's life), and then me (b/c the foster mom shows her pictures of me and calls me that). After a few days, DD wouldn't call me "momma" but she sought me out for comfort and hugs and kisses. It was almost like she felt disloyal to her other mamas. I understood and asked her to call me "mommy". Since we had to return her once again, I'll wait to become her one and only mommy and look forward to that day. But how lucky that so many people love her and care deeply for her.

Damaris

[angel_bayou]

Sorry to hear about yet another delay. My DD FF called her by her given middle name before we went for our visit. Once I told them the name we planned to call her after they asked I assumed this is what they'd call her. Well imagine during the next visit when I realized they were still caling her by the middle name. We called her the name we choose for her when we visited so she answered to both by the time we came home.
I don't know what the FM referred to hersefl as because my DD was 10 1/2 months when she came home and wasen't speaking. I guess it is great that she has bonded with the FM but I can see why it would hurt!! I pray you guys can come to an agreeement!

[alreadylove2005]

I'm sorry that there are (too) many delays. I completely sympathize with your comments.....this is just so, so, so very hard and unfair.

Hugs and prayers that your baby will be home and in your arms forever, very soon.

[nannyisme2004]

I understand your frustration. DD - FM did not call her by new name as requested. I started calling my DD by her new first name upon pickup. I tried calling her by her Guat. name followed by her new first name so she could get used to it. I did that only once and it didn't sound right to me because to me she had always been her new name. During the pick up trip which was like 5 days she was already responding to her new name. She was extremely attached to her FM. And her two words while in Guat were Mama and Papa. It took her 8.5 months to attach to me and actually call me mama for the first time. However, we have a very strong bond now and have for the past several years. It will happen.

Now with my DS who has been home about 10 months - he called his FM mama. His only word while in Guat. I was blessed that they did start calling him by his new name once I told them what it was. FM had lost her own baby boy before fostering my DS. DS filled a hug void in her life as well as her husband and daughter's life. I will never forget the pickup trip. I gave FM all the time she needed and waited for her to hand over DS to me. My DS was so loved. Loved just as much as I love him now. She was fighting back the tears and talking to DS in spanish and telling him that I was his new/forever Mama, etc. That he would be safe with me, etc. She would never forget him, etc. There was such a special connection between the two of them. And she has been so very happy that I wanted to and continue to have contact with them as she mentioned most adoptive families do not want contact once adoption complete (has been her experience). My DD and my mom came with me on pick up trip. Once FM handed me DS he clung to me, never wanted me to leave his side even to go to the bathroom. Did not want anyone else. He has had a much easier time bonding and attaching to me than DD did.

It will be okay. And you get to spend forever with him. I personally don't know how foster parents do it. I can't imagine. Please cut her some slack. All will be well.

[StefB]

Another take on the mama issue. My dd had foster siblings. They, of course, called their mama, "mama." It only makes sense that my dd would learn to call her that. We refer to her as foster mama Ingrid or just foster mama. I'm "mommy," so there is a distinction. It did take her quite a while to refer to me as mama or mommy or mom, though, and that was hard on me. I remember that it did sting when I learned she was saying mama and papa, but it did pass.

Best of luck on the end of this difficult process. May there be great joy ahead!