[robandjulie]

I didn't want to hijack the other thread.

We are going for a visit trip next weekend without DD and then will likely be back 2-3 weeks later for pickup. we're planning to do both trips b/c we feel it will help DS transition better and pickup will have to be short b/c of work. This trip will likely be a series of short visits with limited overnights if we can arrange it to let him reacquaint without a lot of separation stress for him.


DD does NOT have a passport yet so adding her at the last minute for this trip is not an option for that reason as well as the MESS we have for flights and connections.

The other thread really has me wanting to bring her with us for pickup. Jorge will be 19.5-20 months; she's 3 years 3 mos. DH is 99% against it and I fully understand his side, too. What am I missing? For those that didn't bring, do you feel that was a good choice? What were your reasons?

As it stands:

Pros to bring her: all those listed on the other thread, such as: she's involved in the process, precious family memories and photos. foster family gets to see that we will do a decent job (hopefully) which brings them comfort. Jorge gets to see that we don't eat small kids in the middle of the night and that it might be ok to trust us. neutral turf. all around aids in her acceptance of him, his acceptance of us, FF's grief over his leaving, we get to share that as a family experience.

Cons to bring her: Another $800+ for another short-notice seat on the flight, another $100 to get her expedited passport before then and the hassle of doing that. Traveling there on probably lousy connections and times with a 3 yo. being distracted from our focus on his transition to our care and saying goodbyes to FF, distracted from helping him adjust to us, having her be resentful of everything since we brought her all the way there just to be distracted FROM HER (in her view), risk of her catching a parasite, risk of coming home with 2 kids with parasites, wrangling two kids at the embassy, managing 2 kids (one grieving) with a 14 + hour day of connections home through 1-2 layovers and 2 tired adults--and if we're lucky we're all healthy, but...?

Generally, DD is really a very very easy child, but she's never had to share us like this and has expressed some anxiety over this so I'm foreseeing her being clingy, weepy, and demanding for the first few days and do NOT relish the idea of those being our first days with him and at the embassy and rushing through airports, y'know?? It may be great or it may be the very worst thing ever. And cost a lot of money.

Those that didn't bring your other kids...how did you aid in that welcome home part? Ideas to keep the other kids involved in the welcome home without having them on pickup? Our flight will almost surely get in around or after midnight unless we take an overnight layover somewhere on the return flight (rather not) so at that hour we can't plan to have her meet us at the airport or have all of us go somewhere neutral before we go home. So she'll just wake up one morning and we'll be there...the three of us snuggled into the master bed and her waking up by herself in her room as usual. It makes me so sad for her just thinking of it. She wakes up and her family changed.

TIA for any advice, experience, tips, etc.!!

[Traceybch]

Julie,

We picked our Daughter up this past March. She was 21 months old. Our Son is 11 months older then her and he is a sensitive soul : )

Anyway, we are SO happy that we did not take him with us on our pick up trip!!! Eliana needed every last bit of our attention and she transitioned easily in the scheme of things. We also needed that time JUST WITH HER!! I cannot imagine having had our almost three year old there and trying to meet his needs (especilly being in a strange place and all) and trying to comfort a grieving child. I can honestly tell you that we feel that the four days we had just with her, I feel really positively impacted her transition.....and ours.

I can see taking an "older" child and I understand the people who talk about the "memories" and all. However, at the end of the day....I don't feel it really matters if a toddler sibbling is there or not. I think it was best for our toddler to stay in his familiar surroundings with his Grandma....before we sprung this little Sister on him....his life will never be the same ; )

JMHO!!!! Whatever you decide will be the right thing. Don't overthink it!! Do what makes sense to you.

Tracey

[hesabanana]

Julie,
We did not bring the older sibling for either pick up.
We brought Ryan, then two, to visit Cristian. It was a NIGHTMARE. Weepy, clingy, didn't sleep....NIGHTMARE. So, this informed our decision not to bring the older kids to pick up the younger. Also, I am very glad we had the time with just the newly adopted child....you cannot get that time back.
Just my two cents.

[PackGirl]

We didnt take E with us while picking up K. I wish we had. K had a horrible transistion... no doubt about it. I think he would have still had a horrible transistion no matter who was there....but... I think we did E wrong by not taking him with us. Now... E is only 5 months older than K...so it wouldnt have been for E to remember it or anything...but so that E could have processed exactly what it meant to have a brother. I will never forget the look on E's face when he came in the door with his grandma and grandpa to see K sitting on the floor playing with his toys. It took 3 days for E to stop crying..... it took a couple of months for him to not be mad at us.... of course we were also going through K's problems also...but it broke my heart...and we both (dh and I) knew we had done the wrong thing.

While picking up F, we made sure to take E and K. To pick up L, all three boys went with us. It was more expensive, less than ideal sometimes, and a little more stress...but for us, it has been so worth it. Especially hearing E and K tell F and L how they were there when they came home with us.... I also think it has helped them process the new sibling better.... and I believe it has made it easier on the new sibling. I know F took to the boys days before he wanted anything to do with us....

jmho

[pjeaton]

We picked up our 10-month old daugther in February 2008. Our almost 3 year old son (also from Guatemala) stayed home with grandparents. We are so glad we did not take him with us since we needed time to bond with our daughter.

Our son did great at home although he did miss us. We made a calendar for him before we left so he could mark off the days until we came home and we left small presents (book, car, etc.) for him to open each day. We also made sure we talked with him on the phone at least once each day.

The transition wasn't too bad when we got home. We dealt with the normal jealousy issues of no longer being an only child but I'm not sure that ever ends! We also made sure that both my husband and I had alone time with our son once we got home.

We also made a visit trip to see our daughter about 4 weeks before we brought her home. We had been waiting 11 weeks for our Mixco BC and found out we had the BC the day we arrived for our visit trip. We felt that having visited so close to pick-up helped our daughter bond with us.

You have to do what is best for you and your family but we were glad that we did not take our son with us.

Congrats on getting your Mixco BC so quickly.
Patty

[hbrown22]

Sounds like we are in the same situation. We have a 3 YO DD as well and Jake will be about 15 months on pick-up. Like your DH, mine is well set against bringing Emmi and I am more leaning toward wanting to bring her but I understand his side of it. I am agreeing with him more and more and we made the decision to leave her here with my parents. I'm happy with that decision because I know Jake will need 100% of our time and attention. Emmi is really easy like your DD but like you said, you're not sure how she will react at first. To keep Emmi involved, I will have a gift for my parents to give Emmi everyday from us to let her know we are thinking of her. They will bring her to the airport and I am going to have a stuffed animal she has been wanting and have it be from Jake. Another reason we decided against bringing her is because of the anti-adoption sentiments right now. DH has spent a couple of years in a central american country and he is concerned about the corruptness of the police and government. He is afraid something will happen to Emmi when we are there. Probably unrealistic but then again you just never know. You wouldn't have that issue though. Anyway, hope that helped a little!