[Larue]

I have posted on this topic in the past. As my fellow longtimers on the Forum can attest. Attachment issues are the number one reason that adoptions “disrupt”, including international adoptions. Are agencies not preparing adoptive parents for reality? Do we really expect these kiddos to just blend into our lives, like they were always there? I’m not judging. I’m just curious. But I have to say, why are we so afraid of attachment issues? We’re so ready to fight the good fight while they’re in PGN. So tell me gang, what gives?!

To share my story, my sweet Princesa Sabrina came home at 14 months. After 9 months in PGN. And although I took custody of her at 12 months and fostered her until she came home, we still struggled with attachment. Both of us. Does that make me a "bad" mother? We had a honeymoon period that lastest for several months. And then the "stuff" hit the fan. And yes, it wasn’t easy. I questioned everything. I had fought so long and hard to be a mother. And yet here I was, and I felt that I had failed Sabrina. And when she was launching her bottle at my head, I sometimes thought,...did I do the right thing?

Attachment is a process that takes time. Time and patience. It doesn't happen overnight. Even with an infant. I consulted with an attachment therapist, and practiced many of the techniques she recommended. Carrying Sabrina in a sling. Co-bathing and co-sleeping. I wore that girl and cruised the neighborhood until I thought my back would give out. Sabrina mommy shopped, and at times, she “raged”. DH and I were waiting for her head to spin around. Think Linda Blair in the Excorsist. This went on for several months. But in the end, we all got through it. With humor, patience, and a whole lot of love. Oh, and good wine. That really helps!

So tell me about your attachment struggles. And if you’re afraid of attachment, why are you so afraid?! Has your agency talked to about attachment issues and prepared you?

As always, I an praying for everyone in this crazy process. My heart is with you!

[guatparents2be]

Laura I so appreciate that you continue to bring this up, bring it out and bring it on. It is so important for us to acknowledge this issue and to face it head on.

My son was way ahead of the game with attachment. Way ahead of me, that is. He has been home a year and I am just now really finding myself fully bonding to him.

Is it because I put up such walls during the process because I was terrified he would never come home? Is it the fact that his dad is the primary caregiver? Is it the fact that I am not super into babies? Who knows. But we've worked hard and each day as I find myself lighting up just looking at his photo on my desk, as my heart fills when he comes running into my arms, as my soul aches when I leave the house and he is crying for me, and as I laugh and laugh at his silly sweetness, I realize that we are coming closer to that bond that at times I wondered if I would ever develop.

Some days are still hard. And forever I will wonder what of his issues are attachment, and what of his issues are just plain his issues. We have to support and educate each other about all of this...so thank you Laura, again, for bringing it up. Attachment 77363

[Larue]

Samantha I can relate. Thanks so much for sharing. Attachment is a two way street! My attachment therapist’s advice was to "fake it until I felt it". And I can say she was so right. I used to hold Sabrina, while she was squirming in my arms and pushing me away. And think what gives?! Even in her "darkest" moments, she still reached for DH. Who has always been her primary caregiver. She is my little cuddle bunny now. Well, most of the time. Motherhood is such an adventure. Wouldn't trade it for the world!

[GuatMommy2Be]

Well our attachment issues were (and I only use this in a past tense because they have not recently reared their ugly head - in no way do I believe she is attached - yet) her being overwhelmed by new people (family, friends) and the very next day completely melting down. She would cry, scream, push away DH (only once has she pushed me away) - this behavior would last one to two weeks. This has been such a struggle for us. In the first few months of being home we would attempt little outtings to visit family, even 1-hour was too much. So we would bring her back in, keep her away for a few weeks and start all over again.

She would often socialize with other women in parks, etc.. and has since stopped that behavior and has become increasingly reserved.

Also, she was not able to handle affection from others. Kisses and hugs were too much - in one situation, I placed M in her carseat, shut the door... my MIL opened the door and kissed her. This was the one situation that caused her to reject me.

We've had a lot of family arguments over these situations, M's needs, refraining from smothering her with kisses and hugs... even now, she is iffy with her affections towards others. Although now the arguments have pretty much stopped.. I make it known that if she doesn't want to hug/kiss anyone not to force it. She is more friendly though.

[allgodsgrace]

We read so much about attachment and spoke to our SW and other adoptive families regarding it. I am a part of two forums and read often the responses they post about it.

We visited our daughter last August when she was about 6 months old and picked her up in November. I can honestly say, she really has had no signs of attachment problems. We were ready and implementing many things from the first moment we had her in Guatemala, but she was great and DID blend right in. We had our honeymoon week and then some sleep confusion-- this was probably due to her getting broncolitis, 4 teeth and adjusted to our time in the USA rather than the "real" attachment, but either way it only lasted a small while and the rest has been what I would regard "normal" behavior for a child.

I admit, at times I have been so watchful of her behaviors I scare myself into thinking something may be wrong-- language, sensory, social-- but they all have fallen into place. That too is probably normal for first time mommies who has the long PGN wait to read all the scary things that can happen to our children, and to memorize the growth and development charts!!

I am not at all saying attachment issues are not a HUGE concern. It needs to be addressed and parents need to be aware. I just wanted to share our side. Feel free to PM me if you think I am way off base or have questions for me.

I gotta tell you being a mommy has been the best thing to ever happen in my entire life.

[lmvsmom]

People are afraid of attachment issues because we think if our child rejects us, there must be something wrong with ourselves. I wanted DS so badly and why on earth didn't he want me as much? KWIM?

No, I don't think agencies prepare families enough.

I also truly believe that AP frequently don't recognize attachment issues in children and therefore, we hear comments like, 'Oh, she fits right in, there's been no issues, he's fully attached from the moment I picked him up...etc.' In my opinion, any child that is 6 months or older on pickup WILL have issues, maybe very mild, but issues nonetheless.

Good topic, thanks for bringing it up. When we brought DS home at 8 1/2 mos. old, I had a sense of shame and embarrassment about attachment difficulties and PADS. No one on the forum was talking about it back in late 2005 (or so it seemed).

[littlegirl2]

I am just curious here...

Do you think there is any difference with our children's attachement depending on where they were living, foster care vs. orphange? foster care with more than one-child vs. foster care with no other children...etc. How about the bonding with the foster mom...if our children bond well...is this better or not???

I just have these thoughts and my agent has never discussed any of these topics with us. Our first daughter came home at 10 1/2 months and did not initally go to my husband for at least one-week...found out there was not a foster-father in the home. Our 2nd daughter will be about 15 months when she comes home. I am anxious to hear more responses to this thread! Thanks!!

[SKL]

I think the challenge is that each child attaches so very differently. Families who have brought home children of the same age with a similar background (e.g., foster care until 12 mos) can have either a great attachment experience or a horrible one, even though both families are doing all the right things. Even my two daughters, who came home on the same day, had very different experiences with attachment. I feel it is mostly due to the difference in their personalities, and that's something I can't and wouldn't want to change.

After the first week or so, my older daughter didn't want me as her mother until about 2.5 months later. Meaning she would recoil from my hugs and could care less if I even looked at her, as long as I got her what she needed (and I was slow to figure out her communication, so even that was a challenge). At 2.5 months, she started to perk up and become joyful, and I thought, "hurray, we're on our way!" We had a major setback after 3 months home when I brought a nanny into the picture. Even though I was still there! She reverted in every way and became a scream machine. It started to get better after a month, but gradually. Now she's been home 10 months and she still totally stresses out and reverts if a new person comes into our home and looks like he/she might be staying. She has a heightened sensitivity to anything unexpected. In short, it seems a part of her is still waiting for the other shoe to drop. She is a joy, but she is not fully "done" with attachment yet. I feel she still subconsciously remembers the shock and pain of the separation from her foster family and placement in such a strange new place. I also feel it may be years before we stop seeing symptoms of this.

My younger daughter, who came home at 9 months, had a smooth transition. In the first week home, she had a few nights when she couldn't get to sleep right away, and while she always seemed happy and content during the day, she didn't give me real mama love until she was home for a couple of months, but that's about it. She acts like a normal, happy child in all situations. So, definitely every child has a different experience, no matter what the parents do.

So, why are we skittish about attachment issues? I think maybe parents blame themselves a little for what they can't control - especially since the "honeymoon period" makes us think our kids are ready for everything as long as we don't screw up. I also feel it's frustrating when those pesky attachment issues get in the way of other aspects of development that our society holds so important. Like speech. My older daughter will say little or nothing in front of most people - including some of the people she sees a lot. At 22 months, people expect more. I know it's not fair, but I feel the pressure and have to really force myself not to press her (she does a lot better when left to decide when and how she'll communicate). If only I could wish her attachment issues away, we could get back on the regular track.

Then again, the kids tease us by going through different phases. One week they just love us to pieces and we think, "we're there!" but the next week we have a setback. I have to tell you, potty training was easier than this.

If nothing else, this journey has taught me a lot about patience . . . I think . . . .

[AngelsMama]

Oh Laurie I love it when you start threads. With DS I prepared myself for the worst and got better than I expected. 14months at homecoming he was velcro baby. And within weeks called me mama. We still had attachment issues and I worked really hard with them. He's been home for nearly 19 months and is an incredibly happy boy. We still have small issues here and therre but we work through them.

DD on the other hand has been a HUGE challenge for me. After a long wait for DS I built these walls and they were not easy to drop. Also I was prepared for certain attachment issues, but not for her to hate me. And I don't mean alittle bit of hate. She all out hated me. She came home at 8 months and we were the third placement she had (foster mother and then hogar, where they switched her with another child and called her by a different name) so when I came along and took her from the things she knew...man was I the bad guy. Not to mention I was trying to balance her and Toby so he wouldn't feel lost in the shuffle. Add to all this that two days after coming home my grandmother passed away, it made for a very hard first few weeks home. I cried, was depressed, and was angry with myself for bringing a new child into my "perfect" little family to disrupt it. The change was almost too hard on me....emotionally....I was so mad at myself for having those feelings of regret for her adoption. of all this I would freely pass her to whoever wanted her knowing that was only making the situation worse. After about two months home when everything settled down I made the conscious decision to as Laurie said "fake till I felt it. I read every book I could get my hands on. And it helped. It's been an incredibly slow road, but at a little over four months home (longest she had been with anyone), she started to turn a corner. And two months later at six months home, she is the second light of my life. She is beginning to open up and let her personality show through. She has come so far but I know we still have a long ways to go.

As for the difference in hogar verus Foster...both my kids were in hogars. But both had very different experiences and both hogars were very different. Toby's hogar had a caregiver ratio of 1:2 and they had plenty of activities throughout the day such as outside time, tv time, tummy time, play time, etc. Toby was one of the "it" kids at his hogar. Everyone that I talked to that worked with him loved him dearly and said he had a great personality. He is still the life of the party and mister personality. Liliana was removed from her foster mother to the hogar upon entering pgn as a general transition that all the kids were going through. (the attorney was doing away with foster families) Unforunately they mixed her up with another child. They also had a ratio of 1:4 and ran more like an orphanage. I have seen videos of her there and she was scared. So I think it's a bunch of things
If anyone ever wnats to talk...feel free.

[gibbs7263]

This is probably the only thing that our agency pounded in our heads. I am grateful for that, but they put the fear in us. I was so paranoid! It seemed as though every behavior stemmed from attachment issues. I feel that I am very fortunate. We had/have no attachment issues as of yet. We have been home for 9 months. The behaviors that I do see are normal toddler behaviors.

[angel_bayou]

I'm so glad you brought this up Laura and I wish I would have read a thread like this when my daughter came home!! I had recently had a baby, she was five weeks old, when I went to pick up DD so I thought I was hormonal. Well after a few months of being home she'd still scream if we held her and seemed more content being left alone etc. She'd also kick and scream if we carried her etc. This went on for quite some time to different degrees and the ped told me she was definately having sttachemnt issues.
I felt like a total and complete failure!! I even found myself thinking we made a big mistake and should go live in Guatemala with the fostermom for awhile until she got to know me better. I mean I was a total mess!! Was I prepared for this nope!! Our agency never mentioned it, but I knew from research that it happens sometimes! Thank God because I would have lost my mind of not!!
Now my baby girl is a vibrant well rounded little girl! She's content with us and it feels like she's always been here and things are much easier!!

[Guatemom]

Samantha,
What a sweet, tender picture!!

[LJR1974]

I feel that this thread is perhaps a reaction to my thread.

I did expect attachment issues. Our agency did talk about them, required us to take those online quizzes, gave us handouts, and recommended books (not required, but recommended). However, I don't think you can ever be prepared for what the attachment process entails until you are actually experiencing it.

And why is it so scary!? Because there's a lot at stake! If attachment isn't successful, you won't have an emotionally healthy child. That concerns me. It is scary.

That's why when something seems to be trending in a good direction, and then a setback happens, you wonder (at least I do) if you were really seeing the progress that you had hoped you'd seen.

I don't expect it to happen overnight. It hasn't happened completely yet, and I don't expect it to for awhile yet. I'm new to this, and while I have tried to be prepared, we're still figuring this out together.

[cheychey]

We were afraid of attachment, because even though we prepared for the issues, we weren't 100% sure we were totally prepared.

We were aware of attachment issues from our former agency, reading about adoption, and from this forum. DD would not come near dh and I at all, until one night a wonderful waitress in Guatemala explained to her what was happening and it was going to be ok. Then dd would let dh and I hold her, however if she were tired or hurt, she would only go to our son. It took several weeks before she would let dh comfort her. She would let me hold her, but seemed to have a hatred for me. She would physically attack me at any chance she could. One day, during one of these attacks, I just let her beat on me and didn’t let dh or our son stop it. She was angry and this was her outlet. After she was done hitting, stomping, and scratching, she looked me dead in my eye with a questioning look and went to her room to be alone. That day was a huge turning point for us and the attacks stopped. I’m still not sure if it’s that she was able to release all of the anger or she realized no matter how hard she tried, I wasn’t going anywhere. The next time she got hurt, she came to me for comfort and we both cried.

DD has been home for 14 ½ months now and she has a couple of attachment issues we are still working on (sleep issues and food issues), but we are still seeing progress. There were times we regretted our decision to adopt, but now our dd is another light of life with our wonderful son who was a huge help in our attachment journey.

[Saya]

I think attachment issues are hard to discuss the same way that for those giving birth to their children post-partum depression is hard to discuss. It violates this image we have of what "motherhood" is supposed to be like - immediate, all-encompassing, perfect love on both sides. It makes moms, no matter how they have their children, feel like bad mothers at the very beginning, and that can be incredibly traumatic.

I feel lucky that our agency did prepare us for attachment issues - though honestly I felt that both reading on my own and being on this forum helped prepare me more fully. As it turned out, my daughter (home at 8 months) had very few of the worst issues - the screaming, the lashing out, the mommy-shopping. What she did do was disassociate - like her personality just turned off for the first month she was here. She had very little interest in DH and I, and put all her focus on things - toys, etc. But happily the bonding process, though a slow process, went pretty smoothly, and now after a year and a half things are great and I really trust in her attachment to us. It took me a little while too - while I loved her from the beginning, it was more that I KNEW I loved her then I felt it daily. I was really too overwhelmed by the daily chores of parenthood and the massive changes in my life (not to mention the lack of sleep). Now, she's the sun and the moon and the stars to me - I love her more then I ever could have imagined, and I love her more every day!

Re: foster care vs. hogar, I know there's been research that says that foster care is better because they have an opportunity to form close relationships. I really think it depends on the QUALITY of the FC or hogar, and if the baby has a reliable parenting figure who will nuture them and who they can bond with. All I have to go on personally is my own experience -A. had an AMAZING foster family who gave her the best care in the world, and I think that helped her attach to us later. Plus since we got to know them so well on our visit we stayed with them on pick up. I also think that helped attachment-wise - she wasn't being immediately snatched from one family to another, but rather had a chance to see that her FF loved us and trusted us.