[doczig]

Hi everyone. Our little guy Austin has been home from Guatemala for over a year now. I'm in the middle of his readoption and reviewing his paperwork.

For some reason I missed a paragraph in his paperwork which was the translation of his birth mother's social worker report. This report stated that his birth mother was raped and that Austin was the result of that.

To say I was shocked was an understatement. I talked to my husband and we have differing views. I think that this is a detail that he never needs to know. My husband thinks when he is old enough we shouldn't keep anything from him.

Either way, my heart just breaks for his birthmother. Has anyone else had this situation?

[gwenrenee007]

Sometimes birth mother's say that they were raped because they feel like they have to in order for them to be precieved as "loose women". Not to say it doesn't happen and not to diminish rape when it does, but I would take the info with a grain of salt. You could always tell your ds something like, "this is the info we have this is what it say, but we don't know if this is true." We found out some disturbing things about dd's birth father and we are going to do a search for her birth mother and I am hoping that is one of the things she shares - whether or not that info is true. You could always search ds's birth mother to be sure.

People's opinions vary on whether or not to tell your child, but I feel like it is their information, not ours, so they should know everything we do.

[connorsmommy1999]

this came up a LOT on an email list that I belong to.


I think it's VERY VERY important that you understand that some birthmoms have later said that those reports arent true. ---these are birthmoms who were 'found' later by the adoptive family ---
Apparently it's 'easier' for them to say that because then no one questions their decisions, belittles them, shames them etc.
One AP said she went to Guatemala and talked to the birthmom and that birthmom said it's just "known" that saying you were raped makes it easier to deal with the family court interview - because some moms are humiliated by questions like "why dont you want to keep your child?" etc. It also solves the problem of having to talk about the birth father.

On our email list there was story after story about this very situation and the conclusion they came to is that it's very likely not the real story about how the child was conceived. --I'm NOT saying that rape doesnt happen just that the situation down there creates a scenario where it's much easier on these moms to say they were raped.

Are you planning on staying in contact with the birth mom?

[doczig]

Well, we haven't tried to reach out to her as of yet. We will have Austin's readoption finished in the next few months. Once he is an official US Citizen I plan on doing that. It just makes me nervous to do it without having the security of his citizenship. My husband's family is from Guatemala so we plan on visiting next summer.

Originally Posted by connorsmommy1999

this came up a LOT on an email list that I belong to.


I think it's VERY VERY important that you understand that some birthmoms have later said that those reports arent true. ---these are birthmoms who were 'found' later by the adoptive family ---
Apparently it's 'easier' for them to say that because then no one questions their decisions, belittles them, shames them etc.
One AP said she went to Guatemala and talked to the birthmom and that birthmom said it's just "known" that saying you were raped makes it easier to deal with the family court interview - because some moms are humiliated by questions like "why dont you want to keep your child?" etc. It also solves the problem of having to talk about the birth father.

On our email list there was story after story about this very situation and the conclusion they came to is that it's very likely not the real story about how the child was conceived. --I'm NOT saying that rape doesnt happen just that the situation down there creates a scenario where it's much easier on these moms to say they were raped.

Are you planning on staying in contact with the birth mom?

[annaguat]

I am not aware of any info on any of our children that came home by adoption but am aware of two situations in the US with open adoptions.

In one case the girl later retracted the story. Apparently to save face she had stated a rape had happened. The adoptive parents did not find out the correct info until their child was a todler.

In another case the bio family had stated the step brother was the bio father, love relationship, but years later the bio mother, who was very young at time of placement, called told that the step father was the biological father. He had abused her and she was scared for her life to state the correct info at time was placement.

It is hard to find out info that is painful regarding the adoption of your child. As others stated all info might not always correct even if innitially there was no negative info. I hope your family is able to deal with it the best way for your family no matter what happened or did not.

Hugs, Anna

[Waiting4Celeste]

Just something to think about....

If this forum remains active and on the Internet when our kids are older, there is a chance that they could read posts you wrote about them and find out information that you might not want them knowing.

I firmly believe that the stories of our children's pasts belong to them. I don't feel comfortable keeping information from my children, yet telling other people - even if they are strangers - or people on this forum who you really don't know. (I'm not flaming you... just my opinion and something that I learned along the way once someone opened my eyes to it.)

I agree with the other posters that you can't always believe what is written in the social reports. I am sure that going through those interviews must be SO HARD for these women. I'm guessing that sometimes they just say something to make themselves look and feel better. I'd probably do the same thing in that position.

We are planning on telling our children (when they are old enough to hear it), "This is the information we were given, but we aren't sure if it is true because..... But we do know that God doesn't make mistakes and no matter why your birthmother placed you, God always knew you'd be our son/daughter - even from the beginning of time." because that is what we know FOR SURE.

[vh9076]

There was a thread on this a while back. Given that there are instances where this is not always a true statement and it will affect the rest of your son's life after you tell him - please think twice about it.

As and adoptee, that sort of painful information would impact me in a big way. I do not know much history about my birthparents and never completed a search because I didn't want to find out painful information. I have thought about "what if" my birthmother was raped. That would mean one half of my DNA is from a man that did something so raw, crude and sick. Would that make me second guess what makes me...me? Would that make me feel like my very existence would have sickened my birthmother to the core to the point where she had to give me up?

That is a lot of baggage for someone to handle. Even if you knew it was 100% true, I wouldn't tell it. Not to him, not on a blog spot, not to any family/friends.

If you say it might not be true, well that softens it only a tiny bit. Then the wonder is still there at a minimum and you add the concept that the birthmother felt compelled to lie to give him away.

What good can come of it? You might say he has a right to know. Yep, that is true. But balance the right to know against the terror he is going to associate his conception and DNA with and please protect him from that as his parents.

Sorry for the rant, but jeez, there are lots of kids out there that create a fantasy about thier adoption that helps them cope (I have one, you make up the pieces you don't know). I am a happy, adjusted, normal person. I like it that way. I will allow Ava to fill in the peices of her adoption fantasy as well. It will help her cope. I will not damage her with information that she might have a right to know, but does not need to know.

[GDSinPA]

Here's my take. All of this paperwork is really about our children, so it's theirs anyway. Knowing many adoptees intimately, I can tell you that keeping anything from an adoptee can be painful. I will be handing over all of CJ's paperwork to her as it becomes appropriate. I can't think of a single document or bit of information that I'll be keeping from her.

Supposing the claim the SW report is false, our children should know that as well. They should undersand and realize the reality under which they came to be a member of our families. Of course, this should all be done with great care and compassion.

Blessings,
-Greg

[angel_bayou]

You could always share the info with him and explain whyt his may or may not be true. Now if between now and then you do establish contact with the birthmom then you can then include her story as well.

The sad thing is we got one story on our paperwork and two different stories each time we have seen the birthmom to this date, so I have no idea which is true. This has made it hard for me to know exactly what to tell my daughter when she's older. I plan to give the documents to her so she can have them but I'm also trying to remain in contact with the birthfamily so she can always know her five siblings!

[Guatemom]

Originally Posted by vh9076

There was a thread on this a while back. Given that there are instances where this is not always a true statement and it will affect the rest of your son's life after you tell him - please think twice about it.

As and adoptee, that sort of painful information would impact me in a big way. I do not know much history about my birthparents and never completed a search because I didn't want to find out painful information. I have thought about "what if" my birthmother was raped. That would mean one half of my DNA is from a man that did something so raw, crude and sick. Would that make me second guess what makes me...me? Would that make me feel like my very existence would have sickened my birthmother to the core to the point where she had to give me up?

That is a lot of baggage for someone to handle. Even if you knew it was 100% true, I wouldn't tell it. Not to him, not on a blog spot, not to any family/friends.

If you say it might not be true, well that softens it only a tiny bit. Then the wonder is still there at a minimum and you add the concept that the birthmother felt compelled to lie to give him away.

What good can come of it? You might say he has a right to know. Yep, that is true. But balance the right to know against the terror he is going to associate his conception and DNA with and please protect him from that as his parents.

Sorry for the rant, but jeez, there are lots of kids out there that create a fantasy about thier adoption that helps them cope (I have one, you make up the pieces you don't know). I am a happy, adjusted, normal person. I like it that way. I will allow Ava to fill in the peices of her adoption fantasy as well. It will help her cope. I will not damage her with information that she might have a right to know, but does not need to know.

Thanks for sharing your insight!

[loveajax]

I am married to an adoptee and he said that it is really important never to lie or withhold info (of course, in an age appropriate way).

We have some "tough stuff" to address with our DD and a friend of mine made a good point. You can say (truthfully): "this is what we were told. we don't know if it is true or not." and of course then you can explain the "cultural" reasons that it may not be true (without painting his birth mom as a "liar," etc.).

Tough stuff, I know!

[francescagabriela]

My report said the same thing. It makes me incredibly sad to think of Gabriela's birth mom being attacked.

I'm also wondering if it is true given that the birth mom lived in a small village in the highlands and at 22 lived with her parents still. Maybe she made it up because being a willing sexual participant would bring shame.

At any rate, I want to be truthful with her but I also want to put it in perspective of the situation down there at the time of her adoption.

PM me if you feel inclined. Maybe we can share some ideas about it given we're facing the same issue!