[sfalone]

going from one child to two children. Marco is three years old and Dulce will be 14 months old next week so they are 22 months apart. We will be home a week tomorrow with Dulce.

Marco is having a VERY hard time adjusting to his new sister. For 2 1/2 years he has been our world and he is not ready to share us. He has gotten a freshy mouth, hitting DH, hit Dulce, told me he didn't love me last night. Wrote on the dining room wall this morning with a marker. How do I give Marco what he needs and aslo give Dulce what she needs in terms of attaching, bonding etc. I am 110% stressed, I got shingles!!. Dulce will only go to me. I have her on my lap and Marco struggles to climb on my lap. DH is doing all he can to help with Marco but he is back to work. Dulce wakes 3-4 x a night, crying, proceeds to wake Marco so we are a very tired sleep deprived household. My wonderful scheduled happy home is now in disarray. We are purely in survival mode. What should be a happy time is not. DH and i are now snipping with each other.

Any advice of any kind would be appreciated.

Stacy

[havensd]

I know exactly how you are feeling. My two children are about the same ages as your 2. Our son has been home almost 6 months now and there are still days when I wonder if things will ever settle down or what we were thinking by wanting 2 children. I love them both dearly but by the end of the day, I sometimes feel like I live in an insane asylum. All that being said, I do think that things get better with time. Hang in there. The sleeping will get better and Marco will settle into having a little sister to share your attention with.

[SKL]

My advice is: hang in there! Basically, you are all in a state of shock, especially the little ones. They can't understand or look ahead in time. They just have to get used to the new order of things. And they will!

Don't try to live up to the standards that applied before your wee one came home. Whatever rest you can find, you need to take it, because you need your strength to get through this. If there's anything you can let go, let it go, and also let other people help you if they offer.

As far as sibling rivalry - this is not going to ever totally go away - it is normal even with biological siblings. Just try to focus on the positive, redirect, and give your son a little time alone with you when you can. It doesn't have to be a lot. Your son can understand, at a rudimentary level, that you are human and there's only so much you can do for each child, no matter what - but he is still your heart. Try talking to him about compassion - for each member of the family. Also, help him put his feelings into words. Just acknowledging the feelings may help a lot.

As for getting your home back under control, it will take a while, but if you just hang in there, it will get a lot better.

I speak as a 41-year-old mom who went from zero to two (and my kids also didn't know each other previously). It was so much harder than I expected (I'm a single mom). It took about three months before I started to feel like I was in control, and nine months before I started to get a feeling of energy back. But, I would do it again in a heartbeat, because it was the best decision I ever made.

Good luck!

[pjeaton]

I agree with the other posters to hang in there, give it some time and give yourself a break. Our children are 2 years apart and our daughter has been home 6 months today. The first 4-6 weeks were a hard transition. Our son was very jealous and like your son had previously had Mommy & Daddy all to himself. Plus when our daughter came home at 10 months of age she was crawling and getting into all of his toys. It created instant sibling rivalry that I know will never stop. It was also about 4-5 weeks before our daughter started sleeping through the night. We were up 4-5 times a night most nights. She just needed time to settle in and get used to her new life. Life is still hectic and I feel more like referee than Mommy most days but my kids love each other (most of the time). : )

Hang in there.
Patty

[kzwief]

Hey Stacy, You know I am praying for you to get well and have the strength to deal with 2 toddlers. Maybe someone can take Marco and do something fun like go to the park, go play somewhere, etc...so they can focus on just him?

[JoshGuat]

I agree with SKL's post. Also, having children under 5 years old can be very tiring. Pull you hair out by 12 noon tiring, but this is normal. I am a mother to 6, three are triplets and I can say when ever any of the children were in the 1 through 4 age group it was very difficult at times. There were days that I wanted to quit being a mom. I just kept saying someday they will be 5 and this WILL pass. I noticed the more sleep that I got the better I could tolerate the stress of having little ones fight, whine, tempers etc. Stand your ground with your oldest as far as the rules are concerned, and also let him know that you love him. Take him on a date night for a ice cream etc and spend special time with him alone. I do this with ALL of my children, and it has helped them to know that I love them. I think that seems to help.

[amylynn3]

OMG...I think I posted the same thing when DD came home. My DS and DD are 17 months apart and I remember thinking to myself (at 3:00 am mind you)...what have we done? Will this get better? How am I going to do this? Sleep deprivation was so hard on me, and to add insult to injury, my kiddos seemed to keep getting sick.

Now, 8 months later, I can report that it does get better...you will fall into a new (but different) routine and everyone will settle in. I agree with the other posters about the sibling rivalry...we still have some major issues with that. DS (who will be 3 in Oct.) just struggles with sharing...sharing toys, sharing mommy, sharing daddy, sharing ANYTHING.

Looking back I wish I had taken people up on their offers for help. For some reason I thought I should be able to do it all by myself. I wanted to prove that I could do it all by myself. I think I was a bit delusional. I agree that maybe having someone take Marco once in a while might help. For me, getting out of the house helped...going to the park, running to the store, going to a friend's house. It brought on nuetral territory and Brayden seemed to be calmer and less jealous in those environments.

Good Luck...it WILL get better...hang in there!

[Mariais5]

I promise you it will get better.. Bryce and Sofie are 14 months apart, and it was definitely a lot tougher than I thought it was going to be..

One thing we did was make Bryce a MAJOR part of Sofie's care, but we asked her first...

Do you want to give Sofie her bottle?

Would you like to get Sofie's diaper?

Can Sofie take a bath with you?

Can you show Sofie how to play with that toy?

You get the idea.. This made her feel like she was part of Sofie's life and also in charge of how much she wanted Sofie involved in her's.. I think that made Bryce like Sofie instead of thinking of her as the baby that took my Mommy away. I spent a lot of alone time with Bryce while Sofie was napping, and sometimes it looked like Bryce was the baby because I would be carrying her and Sofie would be walking..

Good luck.. It is definitely a BIG challenge.. I would never have dreamed how difficult it could be.. But, over a year later, the girls are the best of friends just like I prayed they would be..

Now, if someone could tell me how to handle both girls plus our 3 month old granddaughter, I'd be in good shape! :-)

[shelbydog]

I feel your pain! I honestly felt that going from 1 to 2 kids was harder than going from zero to 1! Seriously.

My son was 3 when Mia came home and he took it very hard. I kid you not - he literally turned into a monster. It was awful. DH and I seriously wondered if we had done the wrong thing. I will tell you what helped us - and what didn't. What didn't was having Evan help us with every little thing having to do with Mia. That made it worse because he was old enough to understand that now suddenly, EVERYTHING in our household was centered around Mia. He still has his moments. This year in kindergarten, he had to write a sentence using the word "like". He wrote, "I do not like baby stuff!" She is 3 and he still feels she is a baby. Normal sibling stuff

I read a GREAT passage in a book called Playful Parenting. It was about siblings. In a nutshell, your son Marco's cup is "half full" right now. To boot, you are exhausted and sleep deprived. The passage explained that when the 1st child is acting out, behaving badly, his cup is half full and needs "filling" by both parents. Not just one. Not just the one who is not tending to the baby. We took Evan out special places alone. We took him miniature golfing. We made him feel special alone - with Mom and Dad, even if it was just for an hour or two. The advice also specifically said NOT to do this "when baby is napping" only. Because there is always the worry for the child that the baby will wake up and interrupt that special time, so it's still not truly "their time". So "while baby is asleep" doesn't count. And one parent at a time doesn't count (it's better than nothing of course.)

It is possible to do - you just have to be willing to get help. We found a few good babysitters and used them ALOT. DH and I needed it, and our son needed it too. We STILL do it. Mia is now 3, Evan 6 and she is quite a handful. Evan needs his alone/special time with us (as does Mia too). We use sitters, neighbor girls so we can spend quality time with each child alone, as well as together.

You will see when your son's cup is more 'full'.

It does get better but it is always a challenge in different ways as they get older. Good luck and get some help - you'll be glad you did!

[Mariais5]

Laughing... Well, I guess I did everything wrong.. It's a wonder that Bryce isn't a total mess by now..

All kids are different... You'll find what works for Marco..

[shelbydog]

Originally Posted by Mariais5

Laughing... Well, I guess I did everything wrong.. It's a wonder that Bryce isn't a total mess by now..

All kids are different... You'll find what works for Marco..

Yes, exactly. My post wasn't meant to criticize yours....I was simply sharing what worked for us...so not sure why you are "laughing" at some kind advice for someone.

[shoegirl06]

Stacy - our babies are 22 months apart as well and the transition gets better and then there's setbacks. Libby's almost 3 and Derek's almost 1 and sometimes the stress is ridiculous! (I got shingles before DD came home!) DH & I try to take DD out for her special time outside of DS's naps & stuff. It also helps if DD has enough sleep because she gets AGGRESSIVE if she doesn't. I will say that it's helpful if you & DH are on the same page about EVERYTHING ... it's stopped a lot of snipping in its tracks at our house.

I agree with what everyone else has said - hang in there because it does get easier. Of course, today wasn't good for us - but tomorrow might be better!

Good luck!!!!

[littlegirl2]

Although I am not in your position yet...I am believing it will all work out in a few months. Also, toinght I was just thinking about how my daughter is 7 years old and how great it is that she can "understand" this and not be jealous like some younger children when their sibling(s) come home...WELL, was I wrong!! She had a crying fit tonight and told my husband and I that she wants to be an ONLY child! Of course we just got the BC today...so we are excited and she knows her sister is coming home soon. So, I think this is normal and none of us can escape the transition-time!! Keep us updated and give me hope...I am right around the corner :-)
I also think you should have someone watch both children and take a looong nap!

[LJR1974]

One of the first things I'd focus on is sleep. EVERYONE does so much better with sleep. I probably sound like a broken record... I've recommended this on the board so many times. Can you move her bedtime up earlier?

Zack did horrible with the time change (only an hour or two) and the transition, so he was waking at night as well--and he would NOT sleep later. Naps weren't great either. I know this sounds nuts, but for about a week his bedtime was 5:30pm until he could settle in and catch up on rest. It worked wonders. I can count on one hand the number of times he's woken up since then. Hang in there. It does get easier.

He still goes to bed early. About 7/7:30.

[GabeMom]

I didn't get a chance to read everyone's responses so if I am repeating I am sorry.

My boys are 28 months apart. Our youngest came home at 9 months the end of April and our oldest turned three at the beginning of April. Our older son has been the center of everyone's world for 2.5 years and he has had a hard time. We try to make sure he gets mommy time. After things settle down, you can take him to dinner for a date while DH has Dulce. He also gets daddy time like that. You might also consider mother's day out or something like that a few days a week or if you have a close friend that will take Marco for a few hours once or twice a week. It is important that he thinks this is special time because he a is a big boy and that he has fun and that gives you one on one time with Dulce (who also needs you).
It does get easier and you will find a rythum. Best of luck.