[robandjulie]

After all that debate on when I should take my semester leave and deciding it would be Dec - August...DH quit his job this week to be a SAHD. It was a long time coming and we're both very comfortable with the decision--my income far exceeds his, has more job security, and is more flexibile; plus he was miserable and had been for a long time. So starting with our visit trip, he'll be the primary parent. The only draw back is that since I can't claim "primary caregiver" I no longer qualify for leave.

So this is all pretty good. Except I am worrying about how Jorge may or may not bond with me if he has his daddy all day and night. I've read that the bonds to mom are the ones more likely to be resisted since they've percieved "betrayals" by birthmoms and foster moms as they've moved through the system and so they more readily bond with dad. In the majority families, this is balanced by the fact that mom is the primary caregiver or the one on leave and so by design they have to learn to depend on mom.

Anyone else have a SAHD & working mom setup? How did attachment go? Did you feel like you had trouble getting that relationship going with your child??

TIA

[CEB]

I have been the steadily working parent since Curtis came home - and I will not sugar coat it, although he is definitely attached to me, he has a clear preference for his daddy much of the time. I believe that is normal but I admit to some pangs of jealousy.

When Curtis first came home, I was able to take 8 weeks parental leave. Then I went back to work full time (meaning 10-12 hour days). DH was finishing up his masters in education that spring semester (just 2 classes, both on the same night) and then it was summer, so he was home alone with Curtis during the working day for 4 months. DH started teaching in September but did not like the district and has been home since June and for the foreseeable future.

Generally, when he is hurt or scared he looks to daddy first and I will do only if daddy is not available. He will play with either of us (at times he wants daddy and at other times he wants mommy to play) and has no issues as to which of us feed him, bathe him or put him to bed.

One thing I advise - set aside some guaranteed one-on-one time every day if you can. Curtis is an early riser so I get up extra early and have started coming into work on time (instead of the hour early I used to arrive before he came home) so we have a guaranteed slightly over 2 hours together just the two of us every day (from 5:30-7:45 am). I give him his first cup of milk and massage his legs or give him a back rub while he drinks. Then I change his diaper and we play for the rest of the time. I cant get home from work before 8pm and he goes to bed by 8:30 so night does not work for us but probably makes more sense for most people. Even if DH gets up early, he has been instructed not to come downstairs and disturb us during this time. And of course I do more on the weekends.

Again, Curtis is attached to me and it was not especially difficult because I am his mom and was not there full time.

I hope and expect things will work out well for Jorge and you.

[hbrown22]

I don't really have advice except to say that I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that he will automatically bond with your DH. Our daughter bonded with me almost immediately and she still prefers me over DH 3 years later. She has her moments where she prefers him over me but she is by far a mama's girl. Having said that, I am also a SAHM so that could be why although she preferred me on our pick-up trip when we were both there. I think it just totally depends on the child but I think that is great your DH will be a SAHD! I'm sure that takes so much pressure off of both of you. I think having your daughter will help him with the bonding too when he sees her playing, hugging, laughing with you. JMO, though!

[beverlyanderic]

what an exciting decision- congrats! i would love to be a stay at home dad!

if it's anything like having a stay at home mom, the other caregiver usually doesn't get as much attention. it may not be exactly like that in all situations of course, but i know my son prefers my wife (who stays at home with him). whenever he is feeling clingy, he only wants her. i of course still have my time with him which i really enjoy. i try to be around him more whenever i can. for example, i'm working from home today and he was quite cranky only wanting his mom- then after a couple hours, he warmed up with me again. it does seem like it takes longer for my son to get used to me again. i know that's just my situation but i've heard others being in the same boat.

i think it's good to be prepared for not the best situation- it does hurt when my son ignores me and prefers my wife- i know that's part of the deal though

good luck with everything- that's very exciting!
eric

[iwantmybaby]

Julie,
Congrats on the decision. It sounds like a great plan for your family. I am a SAHM so I don't know how much my advice will matter, but here's my 2 cents. My son, biological, prefers his dad. When he was a baby he LOVED me and loved to be held and cuddled by me, but definitely always liked his dad being around. I think this is because he has me ALL THE TIME! We are talking 24/7. Dad isn't here always, so when he is here, it is special. I mean he comes home every night and is here on the weekends, but he isn't constantly around like I am. We have noticed that if I have to leave home for an extended period of time, like a quick trip out of town, or even to run errands that takes up a big part of the day, my son seems so into me when I get back. He wants less to do with his dad because he's had him with him all that time. I hope this makes sense. I'm not always the best at explaining things.

I wish you all the best! Let us know how things go.

Tracy

[Saya]

In our situation, we were both home with Anabel for about 2 months and then I went back to work and DH was a SAHD for another 7 months. (Sounds similar to CEB's situation.) At that point she started going to day care 3 days a week and DH and I split the other 2 days.

In our case I don't feel like it impacted her attachment with me at all - in fact both then and now she tends to go back and forth with whom she prefers - we're pretty equal in her eyes. When she wakes up at night, she tends to call for Daddy. When she falls down, she tends to call for Mommy. Not sure why. I think this really depends on the child. Some give more attention to the parent they see more, and some to the parent they see less, because it's somehow a treat to spend time with them.

I will admit that I wish I'd been able to be a SAHM for a while. (Even though in my opinion being a stay-at-home-parent is FAR harder than a desk job! )

[humanpitchpipe]

DH is a SAHD. I teach so I work M-F 7 am until about 4 pm. DH is a church musician, so he works evenings and weekends. When I am at home I am "in charge" of DS. I took about 12 weeks off of work in the beginning. DS has bonded well with both of us, but he has a definite preference for mommy. The key for us has been establishing times where we are "in charge." We make every effort possible to not schedule meetings, appointments, etc. during those times. In fact, if I have to do an evening meeting (which happens often with my church involvement) I take my son with me. It is known that that is my time to spend with my son and, meeting or not, he is coming with me.

[matthewsmom0505]

Julie, that's so exciting! What a big decision, but one that sounds like it will work well for your family. I could never let DH stay home--I'd be way too jealous!

Anyway, I don't have any advice for you other than not to stress about it. Spend as much time with him as you possibly can and it will all fall into place.

On another note, I'm totally against lying to your employer, but do they HAVE to know before your p/u trip that DH is going to be the primary caregiver? Maybe you can still work out a few weeks leave? Good luck--I'm sure this is a decision that is full of emotion for you and your DH.

[andreab1223]

If I Remember Correctly You Are From Syracuse, Ny???? Wel I Am As Well, I Am A Nurse Working 40 Hours A Week And My Husband Retired From The Military One Year Ago And Is A Sahd. Gavin Was 9 Months Old When We Brought Him Home. I Have To Say That When We First Came Home He Attached To Both Of Us Equally. Since I Went Back To Work 6 Weeks After We Came Home He Has Been Mommy's Little Boy Now At Almost 16 Months, He Loves His Father But Does Prefer Me. He Is Attached At My Leg Once I Get Home And Until He Goes To Bed, He Is So Amazing Yet It Gets A Little Frustrating At Times. He Also Has A Small Amount Of Stanger Anxiety But Not All That Excessive. Most Children Do At This Age. I Really Believe It Can Go Either Way. I Guess It Isn't Anything I Really Thought About Before And Besides My Husband Kinda Likes It When I Come Home And He Can Get A Break. If You Wanna Chat More Pm Me, Thanks.

[lou0728]

Julie,
I am a SAHM....my dh works for the local school district, and he gets home around 4:30 everyday. My dd LOVES her daddy and is great about letting him take care of her needs once he gets home. He has always made a point to make sure she gets his undivided attention as soon as he walks through that door. He gives her a bath at night and puts her to sleep. I have her all day long to myself, and we think it's only fair that he has as much time as possible caring for her needs. There are some times when she only wants me, but I think that's typical of most babies and toddlers (and older children). You may just be surprised how well Jorge bonds to you even though he will be with his DD all day......

[laylasmom]

I think that's wonderful for your children. My dh would love to stay home! I am a SAHM and our little guy (2 1/2) has always preferred my hubby to me????? My two bio kids preferred me so I guess it depends on the child.

Janie

[PackGirl]

We have 4 kiddos...
Oldest doesnt really have a preference...
Middle son had to have me for the 1st year.... after that, he has switched his loyalties to daddy.
Youngest son definalty prefers daddy... and has since he came home (at 17 months old)
Little girl prefers me, but loves daddy too.

My dh is a sahd and I am beginning law school in 10 days.
It seems that the kids tend to sway their loyalties depending on the day... Sometimes, I come home to "mommy, mommy, mommy" and sometimes they dont even want to turn their attention away from what they are doing.... however, they give their dad the same treatment... so... I try not to worry bout it.
It can be difficult when they first come home... but it can work!

Good luck with your arrangement!!!!

We should get a group of these sahd's together!

[cjrogers]

Congrats on Jorge!!!

I stayed at home for 4 mos - and my ds preferred me, now that I am working full time, he prefers whichever one of us is closest/around him! But he sure loves his daddy. And my dh does more caretaking in general and more playtime.

It all balanced out. I had issues with jealousy at some point, but realized I'm a pretty lucky person to have a dh who is so "into" caretaking and whatnot.

As many books as I've read on experts talking about betrayal in adoption - I don't buy it. Unless the separation was extremely traumatic, they were abused or the child was older, I think most children under 2 are fairly resilient.

Why can't you take an FMLA leave - even a short one for a few weeks? FMLA does not designate primary vs. non primary care giver - both my dh and I took FMLA together. And how would your employer know that you are not the primary caregiver? Just curious.

CJ

[robandjulie]

Originally Posted by cjrogers

Why can't you take an FMLA leave - even a short one for a few weeks? FMLA does not designate primary vs. non primary care giver - both my dh and I took FMLA together. And how would your employer know that you are not the primary caregiver? Just curious.

My "scheduled" job is a professor and so there's not really a way to take a few weeks off without messing up the whole semester--we dont' really do substitutes or whatever, so it's a whole semester or nothing. I'm not really too upset about the lack of official leave. I still get a full month off during winter break and I AM taking our version of parental leave which means my research, mentoring, advising, and committee requirements are relaxed so the only real committment I have is my teaching which is only 2 days a week--hardly a problem!--but since I basically lost this whole past year to stressing about the adoption I plan to spend most of the "break" working quite a bit to make up for that.

DH works in the same general environment--they'll know he's gone, so unless I can prove he's an imcompetant dad OR if he goes back to school or work before December, my break from the official teaching won't happen in the spring as we had thought. I do appreciate all the feedback. We're now planning to make some serious "mommy and jorge" time in the routine while DH takes DD as well as vice versa so both our kids get plenty of individual parent time. Plus family time and time for ourselves...Hmm...anyone got those extra hours we're all looking for? LOL.