[BosMom]

Last week before my son's swimming lesson I was waiting in a lobby full of Park and Rec personnel who were discussing one of their disabled (CP/developmentally disabled) clients. One said to two of the others - 'Well you know... she isn't his [i]REAL[i]mother. She adopted him." (The comment was followed by a pregnant pause and a 'knowing' - "Oooooooohhhhhhhhhh....." from the two other women.) Oooh... I just wanted to SCREAM!

I'm usually one to confront behavior 'on the spot', but this time I just bristled. I felt a little bit like I would be interfering in a conversation I was not a part of (although it was impossible for anyone standing there NOT to hear them)... and in that situation we're supposed to act like we DON'T hear them (right?) I saw a logical response from them being - "Ah... we weren't talking to YOU." I also gave some thought to the fact that I'd be 'outing' my son.

I guess this is plaguing me because it seems I've been hearing a lot of comments on TV in recent weeks that suggest adoption is 'second best' (ONLY after infertility) and/or a 'last resort', and in at least once instance 'a failure' (for not meeting the right person and having 2.5 bio children)... and I'm feeling REALLY defensive!!

What would YOU all have done/said?? And what can we ALL do to make the language (and perception) more positive??

I think I need to spend some time 'preparing' for some of these instances so my response is more automatic.

[ej-momtobe]

I guess if it is just the matter that they used the wrong term (should have said not the BIO mother instead of saying not the REAL mother), I would have just let it slide. Sure it is incorrect wording, but unless I saw something in the conversation to indicate that their intent was to to marginalize the AP or child, I don't think that it would be my duty to inject into a conversation that i was not part of.

An effective way to handle it if you want to say something, would be to politely say you overheard them using the term "real mother" to be "bio mother" and you just wanted to point out that "I know you didn't mean anything by it but APs can find that offensive."

[jeck]

I always think of the perfect comeback hours after it happens....

Hugs!!

[laylasmom]

How rude of them to talk about a client within the hearing range of others. Sounds like it wasn't a very positive conversation??
I probably would have given them a dirty look and left it at that.

Janie

[c.a]

I like ej-momtobe's response. I doubt I would be that diplomatic, but she is probably right - a polite, "I'm sure you don't realize that comment would be offensive to adoptive parents. . ."

I would probably also consider talking with the manager of the Parks and Rec group. While I am sure that the staff gossip about the children and their families all the time - they certainly should not be doing it within earshot of other parents and likely children. It is inappropriate and unprofessional and their boss should know it is happening.

[Slatond10]

Was your son present for this exchange? Rather than respond or interject into their conversation, I think I would definitely have checked to see if my child heard the conversation and what her reaction was.

If I notice my DD paying attention then I might have addressed the conversation with her to let her know that I consider myself her "REAL" mother even if I was not her "biological" mother and hug my child, then explain that the swim instr. had misused that phrase. I may even have said it loud enough that they might hear my exchange and realize how their comments could hurt others??? ( but more than likely I would just make sure that DD knows how to understand what she "hears" because it will happen)

[Mom2Colin]

I'm always one to confront, and in this case, even more so....

Besides the inappropriateness of the "real" mom comment, this is total violation of HIPAA confidentiality laws. I work with individuals with developmental disabilities. Many of my clients don’t have the ability to advocate for themselves. It’s my job to advocate for them. If those staff members were discussing an individual’s personal info in public(and whether or not one is adopted is definitely personal info), it’s a violation of the law. Period.

I’d have reported them in a heartbeat….
km

[guatparents2be]

i liken it to overhearing someone make a racist comment. sometimes people are actually racist and other times they just don't know that what they are saying is offensive.

how about this? "i don't mean to eavesdrop but i was sure that you guys would like to know that it can be very hurtful to say that an adoptive mom isn't a real mom.

all the adoptive moms i know are real moms in every sense of the word! biological mother (i know this is controversial too!) or first mother might be a better way to say that."

[pvanabel]

I think I would have given a dirty look and possibly a comment as well. Some people are just very ignorant.
Sorry you and your child had to hear this.

[beverlyanderic]

i would have used that opportunity to educate them. saying something like, "how do you think the child would feel if they heard their mother wasn't their 'real' mother? do you think that's the right thing to say?"

i'm a fan of self-discovery; however, we have to ensure the message is getting across. also, i wouldn't be shy to express this in front of the whole group. i think it's our responsibilty to stand up and speak up in situations like this- especially since we have expereince in adoptions and the feelings of the adopted children!

i would go the route of being positive. i truly believe if we just let comments like that go, we are allowing these children to be 2nd to children with biologial parents still as their parents.

[lmvsmom]

Originally Posted by BosMom

I guess this is plaguing me because it seems I've been hearing a lot of comments on TV in recent weeks that suggest adoption is 'second best' (ONLY after infertility) and/or a 'last resort', and in at least once instance 'a failure' (for not meeting the right person and having 2.5 bio children)... and I'm feeling REALLY defensive!!

.

I don't think there is any way around this idea of adoption being "second best." There are few people in the world who would be adoptive parents if it weren't for infertility issues. It's just the way of life. As an adoptive mother, the only thing I can do is stress to others that DS is my son and that I love him the same as my biological DD. No difference whatsoever. He is truly a blessing, just as all children are.
JMHO

[shelbydog]

I would have said something....like, "I heard that. How insensitive." and walked away. Sorry you had to hear that!

[mamaskoby]

I don't think they should have been discussing anything in a public place. Let alone say it like that!
I think I would have said "isn't that confidential information? Should you be sharing it with all of us?"

[JillnChris]

UGGGHHH. I hate these type of comments and I hear them ALLL the time in the media too. I am sick of our children being treated like they are "less than" because they are adopted.
However I think you did the right thig by not saying anything. It's infuriating but they probably wouldn't have gotten it anyway and since you did "overhear" the coversation imo it wouldn't not have been appropriate to say something. Although I would have wanted to also!

[myguatbabes]

Being a mental health professional, I would have said something along the lines of, "Ladies, I believe you are breaching this client's confidentiality in front of everyone here and if you value your jobs you might want to think before you speak!"