[riverview]

Is the transition easy? hard?
Language come easy? hard?
Input on both good and bad would be helpful.
This would be #4 adoption...

Going back to Guatemala mid Aug to chat with some people.

[my3guats]

We brought Isaac home at 4 1/2 years so a little younger than 5 but in the ballpark. We have three older bio kids and two other children adopted from Guatemala as infants. Bringing him home was so much harder than any of them. Actually the language issue for him was the easiest. Within months he was speaking some English and understanding much, especially daily conversation things. Of course school language is harder but as of this year his tests showed that he was proficient in all areas besides writing. He has been home for a little over 4 years and just finished 2nd grade. He has come so far. His reading and other academic skills are either at grade level or many of them above.

Emotionally it was tougher. Lots and lots of tantruming. The first weeks were terrible. In his case our other two young children were very close in age which made things worse. He still is very difficult at times and loves to get everyone in an uproar. We have made lots of progress though and it is very worth it. I wouldn't discourage anyone from adopting an older child but I would encourage you to do lots of reading and have a support network in place. You have other children. One thing that was really really hard was having to take him to the other kids activities as you just never knew when he was going to throw a tantrum. It was also hard on the other kids but again not so hard that I wouldn't do it again.

[connorsmommy1999]

all of the children who have been adopted from our hogar have been older. We have an email list and there are a lot of success stories - I would suggest looking for an email list specific to older child international adoption....it's a terrific way to get a lot of answers and viewpoints.

I am not sure that anyone would call it 'easy'. One mom said that she has bio children and two adopted at an older age. She said that having babies/toddlers is hard, it's exhausting keeping up.....having older adopted kids is equally as hard and exhausting but in a very different way. She talked about how with babies you're physically pushed to your limits (lack of sleep, chasing after them etc)...with older adopted children it's more of a mental game. I laughed when she said she'd done it the right way: had bio kids in her early 20's when she could physically keep up...then did older child adoptions at late 30's early 40's when she knew a LOT more about parenting and had more time to keep up with the mental task.

talking with a lot of parents who have 'been there,done that' has helped me a LOT. My daughter isnt here yet but I feel like I have a lot of info, a lot of support and a lot more understanding than I would have received had I only been reading books.

[kretzklan]

Piping in from the Russia board - but I think most IA older child adoptions have the same issues. We brought home a 6 year old (and 7 year old) about 3 years ago. The language transition went well for us - we did full immersion...did not speak to them in Russian at all from moment one. The thing that helped us a lot was STRUCTURE. Every day was exactly the same for awhile. We didn't cocoon ourselves, but I had a set time to run errands, set times to eat, set times to watch TV, set times to work on "learning", etc. The predictability made them feel a little safer. Here comes what did not work for us: my ability to attach. It was very hard for me (and somewhat for DH). They aren't totally reliant on you as an infant is. They come to you already with attitudes and it can be hard to parent a "stranger" without feeling a little upset that they are being difficult. It took a LOT of time away from our oldest son, plus rocked his world in that our lives went from fairly laid back to "high alert" for awhile. We couldn't have a lot of "hey, let's go find something to do" time. Now, we are having major issues with learning differences. We are searching out testing - but it's an uphill battle with school districts. They missed out on so much by being institutionalized (and they were both with birth family for a decent amount of time prior to the orphanage). I'm at a bit of a low point right now, but really feel that the issues are far deeper than we figured on. And, we did a lot of reading and studying - felt very prepared.

Don't get me wrong. Our family has exactly the members it's supposed to have...but it's not an easy road. Very steep climbs for much of our time so far. They are overall physically healthy and most of the time happy kids. Just be very prepared for even the worst case scenarios and then everything better will be a blessing!

[guatemama94]

We adopted 2 children at that very age....Our DS is now almost 14 and our DD is now 6. She was able to speak basic English at around 6 months, but understood a lot of spoken English at 3 months. My DS spoke a little sooner (probably at 4 months) because he was COMPLETELY immersed in English.

I've found that transition depends a lot on the child's history and their experiences. Our DS only lived at his Hogar for 2 years. He remembers living on the streets prior to that.....He had a very difficult time adjusting even with 2 years of healing at a Hogar. Our DD lived at the Hogar her whole life. She has her own issues, but they are similar to our DS's in some ways.

Basically the main issues for transition for this age are these: making up for a lack of solid educational opportunities, behavior problems, understanding what a family is and how they are part of it, healing from abuse (many at this age have been abused), and attachment.

I must say that I totally love my kids and wouldn't trade them for the world, but there are some HARD, HARD days. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions. Good luck!!!

[praying4rlittl1]

Our two came home at 3yrs 5 mos and 3yrs 3mos respectively. I would have to agree with everything the other posters said. I would not trade my two for anything in the world, but I think it's incredibly important that you understand that your child WILL have issues.

They will.

These children are the survivors. The ones who have beaten circumstances that took some of their friends. And in order to survive, they have learned some skills and behaviors that are very tough and don't work in a family setting. It is reality. I am talking about this very thing in a series on my blog right now. I want people to never feel alone in their struggles.

Now having said all that, this is exactly the age I would take again. It is the hardest, most emotionally stressing thing I have ever done, and my kids are worth every tear and sleepless night.

Hugs to you!

[brink]

We brought home two four year old sons, two years apart. They came from the same small orphanage, an amazing place. They are now 14 and 12. I have to be honest and say I knew little about some of the issues, but also knew many kids home from this place who were doing very well. I didn't know a lot about attachment, except what I knew from being a mom to three bios and one domestic new born, then 7yrs. Both boys did amazing. We were blessed. Looking back, I can't remember anything that even resembled attachment issues. They both settled in quite quickly, though it took us all a bit of time to learn about each other. One son was speaking only English after two months. It took the second son six months, and then he suddenly took off with full sentences. They are doing fine in school, mostly just boy issues of school not being their first choice of where to spend their day! We have since adopted two daughters from the same home, ages 10 1/2 and 11 yrs at homecoming. Now that is a challenging age for all the changes. They had to jump into academics, which is another story all together. Our older daughter has done an amazing job of catching up, though still not quite at grade level. She worked very hard to learn the language and not be "different". It's more of a challenge for our second daughter, though I 'm hoping things will kick in this fall and she will be more motivated to work to catch up. I love hearing of older kids being adopted. I think it depends a great deal on where they've lived and the experiences. All four of ours were at the orphanage from either a few months old to 18mo old. It's very true that they have to learn the ins and outs of family life, and also who is in charge. Our older girls were so happy to have a family, but truly didn't understand what having a "vigilant" mom would mean to their lives. Sorry, girls! We've still had few issues, and since we've "been there done that" with our older kids, we recognize some behaviors as just typical preteen. Best wishes. Older kids are the ones truly needing someone to speak for them!

[LucyLuMyLuv]

My daughter came home at 6 and her only issue has been food -- eating way too fast and too much. Now after almost 4 years that is finally improving. She was speaking English by 4 mos and is doing very well in school. Her past history was not the best and I anticipated issues but there were none. My thoughts are that she remembers the bad parts (she does talk about them) and is happy to be out of that situation). Adopting an older child has been a very positive experience.

[kristibk]

This is all such great info. We will be picking up our 6 year old daughter HOPEFULLY in about 6 weeks. We have a 13 bio son who is looking forward to being a big brother. We know this will not be a fairy tale but I do hope her transition will go well. I was fortunate enough to go down and visit on 3 separate occassions. The trips were only for 3 days each trip. She has been living with a foster family for almost 2 years. The have children 11, 5 and 4. We know this will be difficult leaving this family she has known. I know very limited spanish but have a neighbor that is fluent. We want to spend alot of time with her at home but we are also anxious about getting her into school for language, social developement and structure. Any additional info or advise would be greatly appreciated. I think we just need to go one day at a time.
Thanks,

[rjvpmn]

We adopted an 8 mo old and I feel that had its own set of issues but then babies do. She wasnt a good sleeper and now she has been diagnosed with Mild Cp. It was hard but I love her more than I can say.. She is great.
Then we adopted a 4 yr old and like most have said it has its own set of issues. She was emotional about leaving her foster mother more than anything so that was very hard. She attached easily to us but for me having a 4 yr old follow you everywhere for 5 months was hard. I could not walk around a corner without her crying and worrying. It was understandable but it was very hard for me.. I needed 5 minutes alone just to go to the bathroom.. plus the language issue. Now 2 yrs later.. she sleeps alone.. goes to school... language is awesome and she seems very well adjusted and fits right in. Its just that first yr was hard for us.. plus discipline was hard at first but we found the more firm we were about things the better. I think either one has risks but I wouldnt trade my girls for anything.
Becky

[riverview]

keep them coming........it is great to have this info. BTW: already have a 9,3,and2 year old. at home

[LucyLuMyLuv]

I would definitely look into reading information about adopting out of birth order. For us, our daughter was 2 1/2 months younger than our other daughter upon coming home. Although we did not adopt out of birth order, we had more issues with our daughter already at home. Almost 4 years later we still deal with jealousy issues. That has been more of an issue than anything else. As for school -- we started her in school 2 weeks after coming home. She was so eager to learn. I had ESL set up immediately but they were only servicing her 2 times per week for 30 minutes and it was not enough. She was frustrated. I asked for more and they refused so I went through my Senator and it was increased to daily the same day. Her learning took off after that.

[fleul]

Hi. We brought our DD home at age 6 1/2 3 years ago. Things have gone very well. I must agree with what someone else said though, STRUCTURE is very important! We placed her into kindergarten right away (3 wks & 3 days from the day we brought her home) and I think that helped tremendously with the language barrier. I just ran into her kdgn. teacher last week and she said she still tells everyone how my DD came here not knowing any English whatsoever and how quickly she picked it up! We did do ESL for 30 min. a week for about 4 months, but my DD did not like being taken from the classroom to go to that, so we stopped. She has done excellent in school and will be starting 3rd grade in the fall. There was a little adjustment with an older sibling (my stepdaughter). But I think a lot of that was because she (my stepdaughter) lives in our home one week and her mom's the next. My DD at first did not like her sister going. She wanted her to stay with us. Then it kind of became an issue of, well why does she get to go with her mom..... Aarrgghh. I didn't realize that type of issue. But we have worked through them. She was relinquished at 5 1/2 so she has MANY memories of her birthmother. We pray together all the time that her birthmom is safe and has food. She has bonded very well with our family! I think sometimes I worry too much about some of the issues! I would have no reservations about adopting an older child! It's been an AWESOME experience!

Linda

[kristibk]

Wow, we will be going through the same type of thing. Our little girl just turned 6 yesterday and we are hoping to bring her home in September. As much as we just want to have her home with us, we think it will be very important to get her school to help with language and structure. I also have a bio son (13 yo) and he goes every other weekend to his father's. We think this may be a problem because she might not understand. We know there will other issues as well and we will just try to take it a day at a time. I have done so much reading I think my eyes are going to pop out of my head! I guess no matter how much you prepare, you just can't anticipate everything. Thanks for all the great advice!!! Keep it coming.