[SKL]

I hope this post doesn't rub anyone the wrong way. I have been mulling over the decision to contact / not contact my daughters' birth mothers since I began the adoption process. I still don't know whether I want to do it or not.

We all know some agencies avise against this. Mine is one. I have heard several reasons for this. I have also seen many folks here tell of reasons why it was a very good decision in their case.

Since we've heard many positive reasons to do this, I wondered what reasons have people heard on the other side - what holds the rest of us back from taking this step?

Of course, feel free to post positives, too - but I am particularly interested in why "not," because that topic rarely gets mentioned here.

Thanks!

[connorsmommy1999]

I want to...really bad.


but I have this terrible fear of the big "what if".
I guess the biggest thing to fear is: what if our DD wasnt given up voluntarily??

[becky]

You may find out things about your child's adoption that you would never have wanted to know and don't want to ever have to share with your child.

You may find yourself being repeatedly asked for money.

You may find yourself being harrassed.

If any of the above happen, then you face the horrible task of trying to explain it all to your child some day when he/she asks about his/her birthfamily.

Many reunions are happy and wonderful. Some are not. You just have to be prepared in case it isn't. You also have to be prepared with how you will answer the tough questions your child may ask some day. Are you willing to lie to keep some things from your child? Or are you willing to tell them some really awful things about their birthfamily that may be damaging to them in the long run?

It's a lot to think about....

[Michelle Smiles]

My only reason for not doing so is that she specifically asked that we not contact her. So I will respect her wishes until Sabrina is old enough to want to initiate contact - then I will do everything in my power to help her.

[SKL]

Originally Posted by Michelle Smiles

My only reason for not doing so is that she specifically asked that we not contact her. So I will respect her wishes until Sabrina is old enough to want to initiate contact - then I will do everything in my power to help her.

Hmm, I had not heard of this before. I had heard it could be dangerous or difficult for them because they might be trying to keep the adoption a secret. I have always wondered - how would I find out if this was true for my kids' birth moms? As far as I know, they never stated a preference one way or the other.

[DPline]

I have two adopted children, and based on what I know about their placements, my gut feeling is that one birthmother might well want contact while the other would not, if she could be located at all.

Of course this is just my feeling from the little we know, but how do explain to one child that while 'yes, we do have contact with your sibling's birthmother, but we were not able to have contact with yours.'

And it is the child who I worry more about having adoption related issues down the road whose birthmother I have reason to suspect would not want contact. Which would make it even harder.

We definetly haven't ruled out doing searches, but as others have mentioned, it can bring up many issues that may be difficult to deal with for you and your child. Though not searching can too.

A difficult, difficult decision.

[ej-momtobe]

I know it sounds like an answer to the lingering questions that these fraud reports raise. But if fraud was involved in an adoption, how would you know if the person that you track down and meet as the 'bmom' is the actual 'bmom'? Just because the names on the (possibly fraudulant) paperwork matches? Just because the woman you meet has a story that seems to fit and shows emotion? Just because she has some similar features? What if she does not look that much like the child, then what? Just because she accepts $ from the AP, for aid to her family?

I have never heard of anyone arranging a DNA test, to determine that the bmom you contact is the actual bmom, but how else would you know for sure?

[AngelsMama]

I feel as though that is my children's decision and when the time comes be them 6 or 16 or whatever...I will completely support their decision to search and possibly meet (if the birthfamily wants contact).

[SKL]

Originally Posted by ej-momtobe

I know it sounds like an answer to the lingering questions that these fraud reports raise. But if fraud was involved in an adoption, how would you know if the person that you track down and meet as the 'bmom' is the actual 'bmom'? Just because the names on the (possibly fraudulant) paperwork matches? Just because the woman you meet has a story that seems to fit and shows emotion? Just because she has some similar features? What if she does not look that much like the child, then what? Just because she accepts $ from the AP, for aid to her family?

I have never heard of anyone arranging a DNA test, to determine that the bmom you contact is the actual bmom, but how else would you know for sure?

I have enough pictures and other evidence to know what my kids' birth moms looked like, up to about 1.5 years ago. They look a lot like my kids do, too. If I were to seek them out now, I could probably tell if they were imposters. But if I wait until the girls are, say, 18, that might be difficult. I don't feel the identity of the birth mom is in question in my cases, but I could see where a searcher might find the "wrong woman" 17 years from now, and might there be some motivation for her to pretend? I don't know, maybe. I know I wouldn't ask for a DNA test, but I might ask if they have any family pictures over the years that they could share. Interesting question.

[LisaF]

We established contact with birthmom upon pickup in Guatemala. We had contact for 5 years. It has been a horrible, traumatic experience for both my daughter and I because of things the birthmom has done. Birthmom is now in the U.S. illegally and I've had to move and change my phone number because of threats to kidnap my daughter. I KNOW this mom relinquished willingly, I just was not able to continue to support her financially the way she expected me to and so it turned ugly. Please no flames, but I needed you to know that not all reunions are happy and safe.

Lisa, mom to 5 amazing kids

[CurlysGirly]

SKL, we initiated a search for Devon's birth mom a few weeks ago and we are waiting to hear back on an update. My #1 reason for doing it is because I am an adoptee with absolutely NO history and it is very uncomfortable for me to feel that way. I have nothing. Devon's FC report is pretty vanilla. I don't want her to feel the same void that I feel. It hurts not knowing. With the way folks move about in Guatemala for work, I wanted to do it now while the "trail" was still fresh. Who knows where she will be in even 5 years. I will not bombard Devon with the info, but I will have it for when she is ready. I wrote up a list of questions that I personally would like to know about my birth family. That part was really easy for me. I'd be happy to share it with you when you are ready.

I have a feeling while some agencies don't encourage contact. The address on all of our paper work is not her physical address but that of a "jaladora" (a go between for the birth mother and attorney). When I 1st heard that I was a bit shaken up as this person is telling the searcher that she will contact Devon's birth mom for a "fee". So it isn't as easy as going with the address on the paperwork.

Personally, I am on pins and needles waiting to see how the meeting between the jaladora and birthmom and jaladora and searcher is going. I pray to know soon. I sent a handwritten letter from my heart that my dear friend Nattyloo translated for me and a small photo album of my beautiful princess.

I also pray that she would like to meet us and I asked her if we could when we travel back to Guatemala (plan on taking language classes and touring more than we were allowed to on visit and pick up).

Sorry to ramble. I haven't been this stressed since we were in process!

[guatmama06]

angelsmama ....well said!!!
Kim

[SKL]

Oh, please let me know how it goes! I too am thinking of writing a letter and sending photos. Even if I never hear back, or hear they don't want to meet, at least they will know their girls are OK.

I agree with a prior poster about the fact that with two different birth moms, you can open a whole can of worms for your kids. This is one of the reasons I am reluctant to proceed unless/until they are mature and initiate it. But Tara, I agree that it could be a lot harder down the line.

Originally Posted by CurlysGirly

SKL, we initiated a search for Devon's birth mom a few weeks ago and we are waiting to hear back on an update.

Personally, I am on pins and needles waiting to see how the meeting between the jaladora and birthmom and jaladora and searcher is going. I pray to know soon. I sent a handwritten letter from my heart that my dear friend Nattyloo translated for me and a small photo album of my beautiful princess.

[SKL]

Would it affect your decision / plan if you knew the birth mom would have to communicate with you through one or more intermediaries always? (No privacy for her.)

[Michelle Smiles]

Originally Posted by SKL

Hmm, I had not heard of this before. I had heard it could be dangerous or difficult for them because they might be trying to keep the adoption a secret. I have always wondered - how would I find out if this was true for my kids' birth moms? As far as I know, they never stated a preference one way or the other.

First let me say my information comes from my agency and Sabrina's foster mom so it is always possible that I wasn't given completely accurate information since it wasn't communicated to me directly. But I trust that my agency was pretty above board in their dealings - perhaps naive on my part but it is one of the reasons I chose them so that I wouldn't worry about a fraudulent adoption. My agency does a short interview with the birth moms at the time of DNA to gather some extra information for our children and to allow them to speak freely outside of the social worker interview setting during the family court process. One of the things they ask is if the mother would like contact, as well as some family history. Sabrina's birthmom said no she didn't want contact because it woud be too diffiuclt (she is very young). I would like to respect that for now. As I said, when Sabrina gets a little older and is able to ask for some contact, I will assist in that and hope her birth mother is able to be found and doesn't mind.