[JillnChris]

Okay, this has been weighing on my mind a lot this week so I have to ask my forum friends for your advice.
DD came home at 9 months of age. She seemed to transition really well. Her sleep has always been great. The only thing that concerned me is that she WOULD NOT sleep in the same bed as us. I didn't really want to cosleep but every once in a while I would try putting her to sleep in our bed or if she would wake up in the middle of the night I would bring her to bed and she just would not relax and fall asleep or cuddle with us.
Fast forward to 12 months old. She started daycare (at my sisters) with no problems when I would leave. She would be a little bit excited to see me but when we got home she would be very anxious about me leaving and want me to hold her all the time. If I would leave her playing with something and walk away she would start screaming.
Okay so now she is 17 months old. She still doesn't cry when I leave although she gets really excited when I pick her up and wants to go home right away. But she is still very anxious when we get home. Some days she is better and some days worse. What really bothers me is if she is crying for me to pick her up and I reach for her she will run away crying like she is playing "hard to get". Does this mean that she needs me to prove my love for her???
Another thing that scares me is that when Daddy gets home she only wants him and if I even get near them she pushes me away and cries. :-( This has been going on for about a month.
I am frusturated because everyone I talk to about this says it is delayed seperation anxiety but it is not going away! It seems like 7 months is too long for seperation anxiety.
I have never really practiced full on attachment parenting but have done a few things, especially that first 3-6 months.
What started me worrying is that I was talking to my sister this week and she was describing the bond that she has with her bio children and I just don't feel like I am getting that back from Eva. Sometimes I feel like she loves me and sometimes I don't. Sometimes it seems like her anxiety over my leaving is really just for survival.
Any insight or suggested books that I should read???
Am I just being obsessive complusive about this?

[GuatMommy2Be]

If I were in your shoes I would be concerned. I wouldn't be concerned about her not wanting to sleep in bed with you though - I think some children just like their own space at bedtime.

I wish I had some insight or advice for you - maybe read a4everfamily.org. They may have some tips or books to read.

Btw - My daughter has been home just over 6 months.. and is now starting to get anxiety when I leave. She cries for about 10 minutes each time I need to do a photoshoot, but thus far, there has not been any other issues. She does not even tolerate me going onto the deck to pick up toys/grab something without her.

[SKL]

The sleep issue doesn't sound to me like a problem. My daughter came home around the same age last October, and it was the same with her - she could not sleep with me then, and when she got sick a couple months ago and we tried again, she still could not do it. I feel she doesn't have attachment issues. I think it is just how she is. I had a sister (not adopted) who was the same way.

I am not sure about the separation issues you described. My experiences have been different, so I don't have any advice for you on that matter.

Good luck!

[matthewsmom0505]

Jill, I don't really have any advice since my DD has only been home for 2 months, but I'm already finding myself analyzing everything she does to check for signs of issues. I think I'll probably drive myself nuts over it eventually. Do you want me to add you to my reservation at the institution?

I'm glad your sister has a great bond with her bio kids. I will say, though, that my bio son (age 3) and I still don't have a super duper bond. It's alot better than it used to be, and it's not so severe that I want to call in a professional, but it's been rough. I can't really describe it. I say that to hopefully help you to not beat yourself up about how things are right now. My son was almost a year old when I finally stopped going through the motions as a mom and it really hit me that I'd do absolutely anything for him. That's really hard to admit, to this day, especially because we tried so hard to make him in the first place, then it wasn't all rosey like I'd expected. But on this forum, I think people understand.

Bio or not, bonding with a child can be difficult. I think that many parents just assume that it just happens, but for some of us it's alot more work regardless of how the child came into our family. Sorry I don't have anything else to offer--that "anxious attachment" that you're describing is pretty common and I'm sure you'll get lots of great advice here.

[krafmatic]

Something seems suspicious, but these "signs" aren't obvious one way or the other. I would probably check into an attachment therapist. You don't have a lot to lose except a couple hours of your time and some money. On the other hand, you get piece of mind that there aren't any attachment issues or even more important, you find there are some and address them.

Having started to see an attachment therapist ourselves, I can say that a good one is worth the cost.

[humanpitchpipe]

My son also will not sleep with us. He gets too curious and feels around like he wants to know - hey who is in here with me? From day one his foster mom had him in a crib. We experienced some separation anxiety at about a year old (he also came home at 9 months), but it was not severe - just a bit of crying when left with someone else. There were two times where he acted angry with me when I came to pick him up and he wanted nothing to do with me and only wanted his dad. Both times he had stayed overnight with my parents. He is fine now, except for the church nursery! I think he has associated the nursery with me leaving. Also, it is someone who he is not familiar with.

[nannyisme2004]

Hi Jill. I can totally relate to your concerns. My DD came home at 11 months and it was a good 8.5 months before she started to attach to me. And she was with me 24/7 from the time she came home. In our case she would sleep in the bed with me. But would not let me rock her or cuddle with her, etc. I remember the day about 8.5 months after she had been home when she came to be for comfort, etc. and called me mama for the first time. I can remember going to our Guat. play group month after month and watching the other kids and their moms with strong bonds and relationships and longing for that between my daughter and me. I have that now. My DD and I are extremely close. But it took time and work. At one point early on in the process (I am a single mom) my DD was attaching to my mom more than me. My mom would come over after work every day and see her. At one point I had to ask my mom to stay away until she started to attach more to me than my mom. Still can't believe I did that. But it helped. But it did take a while longer for my mom and my DD to attach (but that is a different story).

My DS came home at 11 months and had been home almost 9 months. He has attached way faster than my DD. I think alot of it has to do with their different personalities. As well as the environment in their foster families.

I had read up on attachment throughout the adoption process, so I was prepared for what might happen. But it didn't make it any easier to deal with. If I were in your shoes I would start practicing attachment techniques more intensly and see where the two of you are in 30 days. And then if you still feel like you need more help make an appointment with a specialist to get ideas, suggestions, etc.
Everyday, I thought to myself when will she really consider me her mom and when will we have that close mom daughter connection that I so intensely longed for. It did happen, but it took time (longer than I wanted) and I was with her 24/7. I had been laid off of work just before picking her up from Guat. and when I was rehired (as a nanny) I brought her to work with me.

[Slatond10]

Check for posts by Angelkisses which is a wealth of knowledge on attachment disorders and has listed the "signs" in several of her posts.

The things you have mentioned don't really stand out to me as one's I remember from her list. I do remember the list saying things like
Looking in your eyes
Touching
giggling

things like that.

I do remember DD @ 17-18 mo of age and this was the beginning of her "terrible two" stage. She had lots of separation anxiety and "frustration". I couldn't leave the room either. Her issues escalated and she was kicked out of her daycare @ 22 mo old. Luckily the new daycare worked better for us all the way around. By the time she turned two alot of our issues with separation etc started going away.

Although most of it sounds like normal toddler behavior .. trust YOUR instincts and keep checking into attachment disorders. I still read every post "attachment."

[praying4rlittl1]

I think always trust your gut. If you think something is amiss, then it very well could be. I agree to practice some heavy attachment parenting and see where you are in a month. In the meantime, start researching attachment therapists in your area. Then if you need them, you know where to go and who to call.

It honestly doesn't matter how young kids are when they come home, they can still suffer with attachment disordered behaviors. The best thing you can do is NOT ignore your niggling feelings and you can begin doing something today.

[joepegcamp]

I think every kid is different, so I think you should speak to an International Adoption specialist or an attachment therapist.

I can tell you what we learned and experienced:

Our son has been home one year. The first six months were good, but rough at times. He had a separation anxiety. We practiced attachment parenting. I held him 80 percent of the time. We responded to every cry.

It worked with our son. That six month mark came and we could see the difference. He looked to us for comfort and approval. And we could see the tension leaving his body.

BUT, I would say that we are just now seeing full-on attachment. It takes a loooong time--even for kids who seem to have no issues when they come home.

My son goes back and forth between preferring me to preferring my husband. It's just the way it is. This is considered "normal" behavior.

Remember, it also takes time for mom and dad to bond to the child.

My gentle advice: Give it a full year and hold your child as much as possible. If you're worried, speak with an attachment therapist, a social worker who deals with international adoption or with an International Adoption doc.

[angelkisses0102]

Originally Posted by JillnChris

The only thing that concerned me is that she WOULD NOT sleep in the same bed as us. I didn't really want to cosleep but every once in a while I would try putting her to sleep in our bed or if she would wake up in the middle of the night I would bring her to bed and she just would not relax and fall asleep or cuddle with us.

Fast forward to 12 months old. She started daycare (at my sisters) with no problems when I would leave. She would be a little bit excited to see me but when we got home she would be very anxious about me leaving and want me to hold her all the time. If I would leave her playing with something and walk away she would start screaming.

Okay so now she is 17 months old. She still doesn't cry when I leave although she gets really excited when I pick her up and wants to go home right away. But she is still very anxious when we get home. Some days she is better and some days worse. What really bothers me is if she is crying for me to pick her up and I reach for her she will run away crying like she is playing "hard to get". Does this mean that she needs me to prove my love for her???

Another thing that scares me is that when Daddy gets home she only wants him and if I even get near them she pushes me away and cries. :-( This has been going on for about a month.

I have never really practiced full on attachment parenting but have done a few things, especially that first 3-6 months.

Any insight or suggested books that I should read???
Am I just being obsessive complusive about this?

These are all red flags of potential issues with attachment. Someone mentioned A4everFamily.org - HOME and I second that...especially the section on Books for Parents. That section has a great selection of books regarding attachment. But the entire site is worth the time it takes to read it. Attach-China is a great site as well.

My son had anxious attachment (adopted at 8 months old)...often called being overly attached...too attached...a baby cling-on...having extreme sepreation anxiety...etc. His behaviors were different that your DD's but hers are common in children with attachment struggles.

I agree with the posters who said to trust your gut...you will find this at the 4ever site, somewhere...but basically there is a phrase in the world of attachment struggles that states 'If you have to question your child's attachment, get them evelauated by a qualified professional.' Qualified being the key word.

There is no harm in getting her fully evaluated...but sometimes there is great harm in waiting. She is still very young and if she is struggling attachment-wise...her ability to fully heal is great.

All the best.

[KarynB]

Our middle son has attachment issues and some of the things you mentioned seem like red flags to me.

If I were in your shoes there are a few things I would do...I would make sure she has a photo of you at daycare and have your sister refer to it often. Saying things like "Yes, there is mommy and when mommy comes she will be so happy to see her little girl. Mommies take care of us, love us, etc etc".

When I picked her up at daycare and got home I'd wear her in a sling and continue to interact as I cooked dinner, etc. Or, even better, have DH cook dinner while you play with her! After dinner maybe you can co-bathe or play attachment focused games - games that encourage eye-contact. Or read to her while cuddling and feed her sweet treats, such as small pieces of caramels. Does she still take a bottle? If so, for awhile maybe only you should be the one to give it to her....

When she is with your DH and pushes you away he should say stuff like "Mommy loves you and wants to make sure you are ok"....that sort of thing. Sometimes kids with attachment issues can begin to triangulate - or play one parent off the other, so I'd want to make sure she knows you guys are a team, or a family unit, and not one against the other, you know?

And as others have said - listen to your gut. Most people know almost nothing about attachment - so it is easier to label it seperation anxiety, normal behaviour, etc. Everyone told me I over-reacted with our DS - I wish now I hadn't have listened to them at all because then we could have gotten help sooner. I think that would have helped with my attachment towards him, because after awhile his awful behaviours resulted in me pushing him away, kwim?

Books:
Parenting the Internationally Adopted Child
Becoming a Family
Toddler Adoption

Good luck!
karyn

[angelkisses0102]

Originally Posted by KarynB

...
When she is with your DH and pushes you away he should say stuff like "Mommy loves you and wants to make sure you are ok"....that sort of thing. Sometimes kids with attachment issues can begin to triangulate - or play one parent off the other, so I'd want to make sure she knows you guys are a team, or a family unit, and not one against the other, you know? ...

Karyn gave great advice....and YES, have you DH show affection toward you as well and talk about what a great mommy you are, how much he loves you, etc. Very important to keep your DD from triangulating....something my DS did at your DD's age. We actually have to trick him so daddy could see his true behaviors toward me.

[JillnChris]

Thank you all for your great advice. I will def. start looking into all of this! Especially how to handle the triangulation!

[arthymom]

We have been dealing with the daddy preference for a while now as well.

The other suggestion is for you to spend as much time as possible alone w/your dd having fun, just the two of you, outside of your worktime. Also, do a lot of the bedtime/feeding/caregiving/diapering. These have helped us and we are turning the corner now; dd is almost 2.

Best,