[kimbo17]

My son is 20 months and just recently started showing anger through throwing objects and scratching. The throwing of objects has progressed in the past few weeks and now he will just be walking by some toys on his table and push them all off the table. The scratching happens if he is upset and sometimes it doesn't seem there is a reason. He will scratch another person's face or arm. Usually it is just mommy and daddy that get scratched. We have tried time-outs but that doesn't seem to work. We don't yell, spank, etc. I am not sure how to teach a youngster who doesn't have words yet how to control their anger/frustration. Any ideas?

[dylav]

Hi

I was in the same boat as you when my son was 20 months old only it was worse. He was aggressive with children and scratched other people. He also would break eyeglasses etc...you get the idea. He is speech delayed and has a sensory disorder. What I noticed is that as his speech improves his frusteration levels decrease and he is less aggressive. Maybe you can give your son some sign language so that he can express himself and relieve his frusteration (if that is in fact the reason he is being agressive). Let me know if lack of speech is what you think is making your son agressive and I can tell you some of the signs we used with our son that helped..

[carolynpep73]

My Olivia showed aggression at that age too..on the bright side; at almost 3 she is in much better control if it. So there is that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel.

It's hard when you don't think it works, but I really believe that time out is one of the best ways to deal with this. It gives them time to get it out. There is time-in as well. You could hold his hands when he is angry and show him how to use them nicely by rubbing them on your arm or face. Olivia would get in such a state of anger that it was impossible to speak to her in the moment. I always placed her in time out and always showed her how to use nice hands when she came out. When she was older and could speak she would always have to apologize.

Baby signs also helped. It didn't always allow us to communicate but it was a start.

I will humbly admit that I tried spanking (a few months ago) a couple of times because I was so frustrated. That did NOTHING but make her more angry. Plus, all it showed her was that when I lose my temper I hit too. Kinda counterproductive, huh?

Good luck to you. I know it's tough. We dealt with biting, scratching, hitting, and pinching. Once the talking came it really started to help. Stay focused and consistent. You'll get through it

[guatmama06]

Wow our son just started doing this too! We have been home about 11 weeks now&I am thinking he is just starting to feel comfortable to show this side.
Or it could just a "toddler" thing. I did ask the doctor today what he thought. I think some times I look too into stuff like this. He siad this is typical behavior for his age..usually starts at 15 months. He just sugested telling him firmily "no"! And to put him in a time out.(no hitting)
It seems to work, I think we just have to keep it up.
He does all of what is on each post(eyeglasses and all)
Kim

[kathleenmag]

Our daughter scratches, throws, and is aggressive to other kids. She is 21 mos old. We tell her no be gentle
and show her gentle hands. I know she is frustrated because she cannot communicate. It has gotten better.
We must constantly reinforce. Good luck!!!! You are not alone.
Kathleen

[guatparents2be]

When our 22 month old grabs or scratches out of frustration, it is my opinion that he is doing his best to get his feelings out. I personally tell him firmly, but not in a raised voice, "no Julian, that hurts mommy." And then move him to another activity.

From everything I have read, a child this age is not old enough to understand the lesson of a time out. Also, there is a great deal in adoption literature that a time out is not always the best approach for these kids. They are already working out abandonment issues. They suggest a "time in" instead. Again though, perhaps this age is a bit young for even that?

this is from an adoption parenting blog...
"3) Time IN

I LOVE time in! I use this MUCH more often than time out. Time out removes the child, isolating him for that short period of time. That does have it’s place sometimes. However, more often, I find a time in to be helpful. What is time in? It’s when the child shows me by his behavior/misbehavior that he needs more time with mom and/or being supervised by mom. So, for an amount of time, the child goes where I go and helps me with whatever I’m doing. The child doesn’t go more than 3 feet away from me for any reason (except restroom use). This modifies the child’s behavior. It allows mom to model and teach appropriate behavior. If child’s misbehavior was because he was inappropriately seeking attention, this gives him plenty of more appropriate attention. I have found this technique to be great for little ones, but especially great even for bigger kids and teenagers! Used with humor, this can be a great method for attachment, too!"

[mamaskoby]

My 18 month old does this too. I have tried time ins, time outs and now am having him set up for an assessment by Early Intervention-mainly because he is not speaking one word, but his behavior is bothersome too, its as if I say "no" and he does not care what I am saying! Would love to see any other ideas out there!!!

[karla-k]

I think it is just the age My 20 month old bio son is starting to throw temper tantrums and even throws things down when he knows I am trying to distract him. It seems like not too long ago, just handing him a different toy solved all the problems in the world

All 3 of my bio kids started this at about the same age. When they start talking it does seem to get better. Hang in there!

I usually just scoop my son up and reassure him that I know he is frustrated and then we just move on to the next thing. Those who scratch or hit, I just hold their hand firmly and tell them "No" in a very firm voice. Never ever let them see you smile during one of these encounters! It might be cute now, but will not be cute in just a few months, or heaven forbid, a few years.

Karla

[afentress]

I read somewhere (I read alot) that you should use a strong, stern face when disciplining so they can associate that when you're out more in public and you're trying to deter behavior without the scene. We've been more conscience about it with my daughter and it does work most times.

She's been hitting/scratching/stomping on and off for the past 6 months and it comes and goes in stages. We do time out and I don't know how much it helps but it does separate us until we all settle down. After 1-2 min in time out she has to come and "apologize" to her victim.

I say try different things until you find something that works for you.

Angie

[kathleenmarie]

I really feel a lot of it is due to not being able to communicate his wants or needs, and also the age. My son did not qualify for EI because in NY it has to be a 30% delay, but he does not speak a word. When he is 18 months I will make them come out again if he does not start to speak.

[Lulumom]

Our daughter went through a phase of wanting to hit when she was frustrated. I read somewhere at that time to sit them down and walk away from them and say "not nice to hit and that hurts mommy and daddy." Wait a minute and then approach them and say "I love you" and reassure them. This really worked for us. Good luck!!

[busterleroy]

Same thing happened with both of my kids, it gets MUCH better as they are able to express themselves verbally. When they hit ( or kicked or scratched etc.) we would hold their hands and stroke whoever had just been hit, saying " No, no NO hitting, nice hands, nice hands."

Also recommend the book 'Hands Are Not For Hitting' from the Best Behavior series, they have it in most major bookstores. My kids still LOVE that book. To give you an idea of what nefarious behaviors may lie ahead, there are other books in that line:

Feet are Not For Kicking
Teeth Are Not For Biting
Germs Are Not For Sharing
Tails Are Not For Pulling
Words Are Not For Hurting

and there are a few I might write myself, starting with

Mommies Rules Are Not for Ignoring
Telephone Converations Are Not For Interrupting
Church is Not the Place for Shouting and
Beds Are not for Jumping On

[SKL]

OK, this is gonna sound weird, maybe even stupid, but I've been wondering.

Sometimes my kid (21mo) strikes with an open hand, and I am honestly not sure whether she is "hitting" or "patting" or doing the kind of slapping you do when you're playing Miss Mary Mack (I do that a lot when singing or reciting rhymes). I can't tell because (a) it certainly doesn't hurt me and (b) she usually does it with a smiling or neutral face. The other thing is that she herself has a very high pain tolerance, so it wouldn't hurt "her," and I assume she doesn't think it would hurt anyone else either. She does it to me and to her sister. I sure don't want to allow hitting, but I don't want to discourage affectionate patting either. So I pretty much just remind "gentle" without accusing her of wrongdoing. Or if sister looks displeased, I tell her to stop because sister doesn't like that, not because it's bad per se. She doesn't scratch, kick, or bite. Not sure about pinching (another ambiguous action - affectionate tweak or pinch?).

Does anyone else have a child who "hits" in this way, and what do you treat it as - aggression or something else?

[MargotV]

My son also does this - it started around 20 months (he is 22 months old now).

He really only does it when he is not getting what he wants (I say no and he will come up on slap me - then hug me).

I think it is frustration and not knowing how to properly express it.