[guatparents2be]

DH's parents visit and bring us 2 books. Mommies Are for Counting Stars, and Daddies are for Catching fireflies.

Here are some highlights:

A daddy messes your hair.
If you say to a daddy, “it’s broken,” he’ll try to fix it.
A daddy takes you into deep water.
You can climb on a daddy.
A daddy protects you from big dogs.
A daddy answers questions.
A daddy goes to work.
A daddy takes you to the parade.
Sometimes at the end of the day, Daddy puts you to bed.
He reads you a story. And falls asleep, too.
Good night, Daddy.

OK not so bad until you read the other book, Mommies are for Counting Stars.

A mommy is nice to sit on. And nice to lean on.
A mommy knows how to kiss a boo boo…
A mommy waits for you to come home.
Mommies give baths. And hairdos.
If there is someplace to go, a mommy will take you there.
A mommy cooks cream of “wheep.”
And shouts “Breakfast is ready.”
A mommy reminds you to say “thank you.”
A mommy can look like a rose.
A mommy can have a baby inside her.
And then you’re a big sister or big brother.
A mommy takes care of everybody.

By the way, I am the primary wage earner in our family. DH sleeps all night with Julian and stays home from his part time job when the baby is sick. And I certainly don't look like a rose (what on earth does that mean anyway?)

Did my in-laws get us these to bug me? I suggested they were a bit sexist and she told me that was nonsense and we could use the words mommy and daddy interchangeably.
Not sure if she thinks I should draw a 'stache on the mommy pictures. For crying out loud?

I know I know, they were being kind getting a gift, they are old school yada yada. Can I complain then about the author then?! Didn't she have "Free To Be You And Me?"

[Lexi73]

oh no!

I'm having a hard time picking the most stereotypical sentence, but probably the worst is:

"daddy answers questions"????

while mommy sits and nods her head? (and looks like a rose????)

maybe they are punking you...

[krafmatic]

I guess I should be giving my DH my toolbelt (which is pink ) and teach him how to use our table saw.

I should also tell him that he should start answering all the kids questions himself instead of sending them to mom...especially those darn science ones.

Brush it off...you don't have to keep the books around. No matter what books your child has read to them, the lesson learned is the one they see everyday.

FYI - I think I looked like a rose once...I had a really bad sunburn

[Michelle Smiles]

Hehe...having met you even though briefly, I would have to imagine no one could purchase those books for you without guessing it might raise your ire a bit. Perhaps MIL was poking you with a stick? LOL

[hol332]

I hate to "one up" somebody. But, that's nothing compared to the horrible sexist things my in-laws say.

Here are some examples:
"People used to say to me 'Why pay for your daughters to go to college.' I say, let those women go get an education and they'll pass it along to their babies."

(once my brother and sister in law were going on a 2 week trip to Europe and leaving their kids at home) "Donna should really stay home and let Dave go by himself. She should not leave the children that long."

(here was a statement directed to me) "It really helps your career that you have a female boss."

Plus, they can never quite understand that my DH and I, who work at the same company and are at the same level, make the same amount of money. They assume he is a "provider."

By the way, there are also frightening religious statements made. We are all Catholics. But, we have not had our Guat DD baptized because we don't have any friends or close relatives that could serve as godparents because of the strict rules our church has. So, they have mnade this statement: "Since seems so full of life. But, until she has been baptized, her body is an empty shell."

[cmfayz]

What year were these books written? I'd say give them to goodwill, but I don't think disadvantaged kids should be subjected to that nonsense either. Burn them!

[jules17]

Those books are truly cringe-worthy.

This is the strongest case for "not recycling" (giving to someone else) I have seen.

I think I would have given them back and said, "While we appreciate your gesture, these books do not represent our family roles, nor others."

I would be tempted, though, if say they are liberal, to give them a very conservative right wing book. And when they look up confused, say, "Exactly." (I wouldn't do it, but I would fantasize about it.)

I find it demeaning to both parties (my mom always made more money than my dad and my dad kissed more boo boos...and this was 35 years ago!)

[cyntil8ing]

Ok, I'll buck the trend. I loved the Daddy book and bought it for my DH when we were expecting our daughter. The illustrations are cute and it just seemed very sweet.

Daddies and daughters DO have a unique and special relationship and it has nothing to do with my ability to swing a hammer or make a decision.

I encourage my children to see their daddy as a hero. That's all I took from the book; that daddies are great! Because they are.

Now, the issues with the inlaws ..... ugh, you have my sympathies.

[SKL]

OK, as a single mom, lawyer, CPA, MBA, hiker, builder, and fixer extraordinaire, I am the last person who would agree with teaching our kids sexist messages.

However, I feel I must stick up for the in-laws on this one. I realize that I don't know them and they "may" be the type to hurt a DIL on purpose, but I don't think most people are like that.

First: there is a very good chance that they did not read the entire books before giving them to you. When I give a book as a gift, I usually don't read it. I might flip through a few pages, and if I like the pictures and the tone of what I see at first glance and the price isn't horrible, I will buy it.

Second: the book titles sound really sweet and I think it is so nice of them to think of buying two books, one for the "mom" side and one for the "dad" side. There are not that many examples of that. I happen to know a few, but that is because I am a kids' book junkie. Most people aren't.

Third: I assume they are older than you and, in a sense, from a different world. They most likely would have no idea you would find some of those statements offensive - especially since most of them happen to be true, if not complete, statements. Personally, only a few would raise my eyebrows. If they had not only said "a daddy __" but added "a mommy doesn't ___," that would be too much, but the way you wrote it, most of it is not per se offensive to me - and likely not to people in an older generation.

Fourth: unless I am certain that someone gave me a "gift" only to insult me, I would never say anything negative about it. They went out of their way to find two "matching" kiddy books and do not deserve to be punished for this.

Fifth: if you don't like the books, you can simply put them aside. Maybe even save them and tell your kids, when they are teens, why you did NOT read them - share a secret chuckle. Or donate them to a church after some time passes. I would NEVER return a gift just because I didn't enjoy its contents. You wouldn't do that if they gave you your most un-favorite kind of chocolate or bath-and-body lotion, would you?

The MIL-DIL relationship is complicated enough, and both sides tend to be very sensitive to every slight, real or imagined. I would suggest that taking open offense at an apparently innocent/kind gesture is not the best way to improve the relationship. But that's just my opinion.

[jandc]

I'm going to side with SKL on this as well.
It does not seem to me they were making a dig. It seems like they were trying to make a nice gesture. A dig would have been if they only got the Daddy one and ignored anything mommy.

I agree with you that there are cringeful statements but I just don't see getting worked up about it especially not to the point of saying something about it. That I find more insensitive.

I would just be gracious, say thank you and put them far away.

[jules17]

P.S. to SKL - point well taken about the gift return.

I should have explained that our family DOES return gifts often to the giver for various reasons. If it's not "them," what they want or whatever.

It is so normal to me and I don't get offended at all.

If it was someone outside of my family, then no way would I do it!

[beverlyanderic]

i think it's just more of a traditionalist point of view. i actually like some of the quotes.

i guess that's why people say to each their own.

don't let it get to you. life is too short.

enjoy!
eric

[DianeS]

I guess I'll buck the trend here too.

Just like I would expose my child to other cultures - like Native American, Russian, African, Amish, etc, I would have no problem with using those books to expose my child to old-fashioned American family culture.

Of course there are some cultures I don't want my child exposed to - the drug culture is an extreme example, there are of course milder ones. And if I were given a book about a culture I was not going to teach my child, I would not use or keep the book.

But whether those books talk about a culture that you are comfortable exposing your child to and saying "some people live like this, you'll have friends whose parents and family life are like this, but we are different", or whether you want to toss those books into the "I won't expose my child to that" pile... is up to you.

[laylasmom]

What is the copyright? 1950????? Please say this is not a recently published set of books??

Janie

[humanpitchpipe]

I would not say anything, and I would tuck the books away somewhere. My husband's great aunt gave me a baby book for my shower. Inside were pages that a pregnant woman was to fill out - like when I was pregnant with you I craved...or when we found out we were pregnant, we... This offended me so much, but DH said that she gives everyone a baby book for a gift. I just don't think she read it. It is tucked away in my son's closet for now. I never said anything about it, and that was the right decision.