[carolynpep73]

To begin let me say that I adore my dear friend J. She is the closest thing to a sister I will ever have. She has been 100% there for me from the very beginning. We've been friends (or as we joke, I'm be- fri-and she's -st -end; remember those necklaces from the 80's?) for nearly 15 years. But sometimes...

My DD has been home for almost 2 years . I could not be more blessed. There are times, as I would think all would admit, that parenting is tough. I've read the books, watched Supernanny, and taken the parenting classes. I've been a teacher for 9 years and I've worked with kids in some capacity since I was 15. With that said I am NOT PERFECT. I humbly admit I make mistakes...lots...daily. But I try my best.

Tonight was one of those nights where I just didn't want the battle. I was tired I didn't want to argue over drinkable yogurt vs milk for dinner. Initially when DD asked I said no. Eventually I admit I broke down and gave it to her after I told her she needed to stop crying and ask nicely. My thoughts...not great because I caved but not the end of the world either.

Enter friend's comment (who is also a teacher) here " ohh, you just caved. She's so going to remember that! Do you want her to think that all she has to do is cry? That's how it all started with S (a friend of mine) when she lost control of M (her now run away, drug addicted daughter of 28). You have to follow through"

Needless to say I was pi**ed and she knew it. All I told her was that I didn't see the big deal and that I'm not perfect. I believe I also alluded to shoving her pizza down her throat if she didn't shut it (jokingly of course ) We laughed it off and went on with our dinner.

I have to admit this really crawled under my skin. Was she correct in her observation? Yeah, most likely. Did I really need to hear it? No, not really.

I remember sitting on the other side with no kids passing judgement on the parenting of others. Then came my own and I realized it's really NOT that easy! And even though it says it's supposed to go a certain way in the parenting books, your kid didn't read the books and they could care less what Dr so-and-so has to say.

OK, thanks for letting me vent!

[jules17]

Oh, I am sorry. It sounds like you have a great relationship with your friend, but, yes, this would bug.

My sister, also childless, has dropped her own observations.

I just smile and say, "I can't wait until you have kids. Then I can watch perfect parenting in action!"

[DPline]

My SIL and BIL (both just turned 40) are expecting their first child in December. He is a middle school teacher and she is a high school teacher. They have been not only giving parenting advice but correcting my children for years. I love them to death, but I am REALLY looking forward to them having a child and maybe realizing that, as you put it so well, 'your kid didn't read the books and they could care less what Dr so-and-so has to say.'

[KJones5]

Welcome to my life! Our kids are the only kids in the family. DH's family loves to "parent" them. It started off with giving out advice and it has now grown to correcting them. MAKES ME CRAZY!

When my family does this, I always say "When you have kids, you can do it your way".

[connorsmommy1999]

Originally Posted by carolynpep73

Was she correct in her observation? Yeah, most likely.

I totally disagree with you on this one point. She was NOT correct. "caving" doesnt lead to messed up, drug addicted kids. There are millions of parents who cave...their kids dont all end up addicts!

Here is my hard-to-explain opinion on this:
(bear with me, I've never explained this before!)

we're teaching our kids something no matter how we respond. We might think it's best to stick to our word and never bend but when we play hard a#$ with our kids and NEVER allow room for negotiation or changing of minds then we're teaching them something - and that something could very well be that we teach them to be sneaky because "once we ask and mom says NO then there's no changing her mind"...if they really really want something then it doesnt take long before they learn that it's best to not ask or to lie about it.



IF, however, we do allow for talking, negotiation and changing of minds then we have the opportunity to teach them some things: that when we ask nicely, explain our wants/needs in a nice, loving way people will respond positively to us. ISNT THAT something we want to teach our kids?? think about them being able to have that skill going into marriage! the ability to calmly, in a respectful way, communicate their desires and talk about their needs, and to be able to, in a loving way, ask the other person if they would be willing to reconsider their stance now that they know the needs behind it.

If that is the road you're headed down then I dont think you're 'caving' in a negative way. When they're young it's simply "stop screaming, ask nicely and you can have it" as they get older you add to it and ask for more information, more words to explain their needs and desires and coach them along the path of understanding how to communicate.


I hope that makes sense.

as for your friend...I dont think there's any hope of changing people like that!!

[drjeanne]

I chalk it up to a hard day and your friend was just being a pain! She sounds like a great friend and it sounds like you've been through a lot together.....it's so nice to have a friend like this! One that you can be mad at for awhile and then it all blows over! I would have gotten upset too but, I think it would have been more the aggravating mood and the day. I hope when she does finally have children of her own, you'll be able to have this exact same conversation only you'll be the one doling out the advice!

Sounds like you're doing a great job as a Mommy! Hang in there! Cave in occasionally! You only live once and it's only yogurt!

Jeanne

[carolynpep73]

I appreciate all the support. In my friend's defense, she was raised in a VERY strict household. There were absolutely no negotiations. I'm sure you can understand the self confidence issues that causes. I KNOW she was not trying to be hurtful and I also KNOW that she's aware that the occasional negotiation does- not- a -runaway make...I'm not too sure why she said it. Just felt she needed to I suppose.

In retrospect, I don't think I caved at all. I evaluated and concurred that it was "just yogurt". Not too much of a stretch from milk if you asked me.

Oh well, tomorrow is a new day!

[SKL]

This is EXACTLY what I've started saying to my sister, who hasn't yet had any kids. It shuts her right up! I love her dearly, really, but sometimes she needs to shut up! She approves of my kids' well-behaved demeanor and their skill level and their health BUT she nevertheless thinks everything I do is wrong. How's that? Funny thing is, she has no real experience and, worse yet, I pretty much raised HER. I thought I had done a great job, but apparently I missed a few details.

Originally Posted by jules17

I just smile and say, "I can't wait until you have kids. Then I can watch perfect parenting in action!"

I don't mind when childless people give advice, because (a) they do have a valid perspective most of the time, based on what worked with them if nothing else, and (b) I surely did it up to a point. But it does bug me when their tone puts me on the defensive. Even when it's completely stupid. Like, one of my (childless) sisters spoke very disapprovingly of my "allowing" my kids to get attached to their bear and doll and to need them at bedtime. Aside from the fact that both of them had "loveys" at that age, have you ever heard of anything more idiotic? Are my kids really gonna turn out better if I snatch their loveys away from them on the way to bed every night? Am I actually still wasting time thinking about this??

[dpen6]

Did you ever hear the saying "the best parents are the ones that don't have any kids".

Its just not in their univerese...they don't get it>

Most of us REALLY know what we just did was wrong, but really don't need to hear it from the others. Usually another parent will totally understand why you caved....we have all done it! AND no it wont make a drug addict out them! LORDY!!!

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

Bugs me....LOTS. Not only friends without kids, but my MIL likes to take over and act like DS' mom when we are out with her. I put a quick stop to that.

Another pet peeve: people who like to tell me and others how to foster when they are not nor have ever been foster parents..........kind of like ME telling my mechanic how to overhaul an engine (huh?) or telling a nurse how give an IV (say what?!?!).......if you have no experience of your own, please shut up!

Kim

[amyfk]

My kid makes a total and absolute mess around the house. My friend who also doesnt have kids told me that I should have dd clean up her room, the mess, whatever. At the time my kid was only just about 2 years old.
My friend doesnt have kids, she is an aunt and has several siblings, but still I dont think she realizes how much of a mess a toddler can make. Luckily she didnt bang me over the head with it--she only told me once and I yessed her so that was it.
You may want to just do the "yes, yes" thing. It won't hurt the friendship and she thinks youve listened.Its easier than controversy.
Amy K, NJ

[WaitingforBrian]

I am laughing, because I was that friend, well to my friends, but I am now comfortable and humble in my new knowledge as a parent and well fit to laugh at my ideas of perfect parenting. I now have one rule, which is there are no rules...... whatever works.
I have to say I was never threatened with pizza being shoved down my throat although in hindsight I really deserved to have one shoved down... I think your friend, like me, will never really get it until she has kids and until then, keep shoving pizza. Loads of HUGS especially to your friend.. LOL Bernie

[JustBarbara]

Well, to me it just sounds like a tough day - I too have noticed in amazement that the best parents are those without children (okay, just a tad sarcastic). But ... both of you are teachers so are exposed to children all day long so I imagine your friend does have some useful insights. And as a best friend she and you should be able to say things to each other and then respond as freely as you did. On the other hand, we all know pretty much when we have goofed up. Milk vs drinkable yogurt? Not a huge deal in life but yes, it does show a little manipulation on your DD's part. Several weeks ago we got home late and DS had milk and three mini blueberry muffins for dinner - a proud moment? Not at all. Will he be in therapy for life, turn to drugs etc. because of it - I doubt it. Last night he asked for a third helping of broccoli!

[jules17]

Another thought - you should casually drop a copy of I Was A Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids in her lap.

[annaguat]

Maybe it bugs because you know she is right with you caving but then she is wrong with drawing the comparison to an extremely negative situation. I would not think too much of it but if she keeps saying stuff like those negative comparisons I would have a one on one with her. Your relationship with her sounds wonderful. We all say dumb/incensative things at times. Anna