[JanelleD]

My biggest "problem" right now is with napping and sleeping. I put our son down, knowing that he is tired. Right now he is still on 2 naps a day, he's not even 1 year old yet.

Then, he sleeps for just a few minutes and wakes up. Sometimes he will wake up and play for a minute, but usually he wakes up and screams.

I am having a hard time knowing what to do about this. I know he needs sleep. I have tried taking him out and rocking him but that doesn't help. I know he is tired when I put him down so that's not the issue.

Obviously, I feel bad if I let him cry. But on the other hand, I think if I pick him up now and don't enforce the sleeping that I am setting myself up for trouble somewhat. The only reason I say that is becuase eventually he is going to have to stay in his bed, I wouldn't let this go on forever. So say I pick him up now, I know that in time that's not going to be what I want to do. Also, if I pick him up, he is exhauseted. He lays on the floor or our arms and cries.

This isn't just nap time, it's bedtime too. He's been home only 2 1/2 weeks. When he first came home all he did was sleep. I think he was just exhausted from all of the changes plus he was sick. Also, I know when he was in Guat. he was on a very strict sleep schedule. In fact, I think he was sleeping too much. I also don't think he was eating enough in Guat. so he might have been just tired and worn out.

Does anyone have any ideas for me? I'm not a proponent of crying-it-out. But then again, my other dc have been with me since birth and so the bonding and attachment have never been the issues they are now.

Basically, I'm having a hard time balancing meeting his needs so he doesn't feel neglected with helping him have a routine that will be good for him. Does that make sense?

I'm so afraid of messing up!! I'm afraid of doing the wrong thing for him and having him have issues because of that.

If you have already brought your child home and have any ideas, please share. I know that before he came home I would have thought I had all the answers but God sure is humbling me now!!


Blessings,

[whereintheworld]

Hi Janelle,

I think it is much too soon to even consider a CIO method. You are still very early in the transition process. For us, it seemed like at least 2 to 3 months before there could be any semblance of "normal" routine. I think your baby is still trying to learn to trust you, to trust that their needs will be met. Lack of sleep is very hard on the baby, so you might see more than 2 naps a day, and they can be short. My older one never took any naps over an hour until after he was down to 1 a day. If you are able to do it, consider wearing him as much as possible throughout the day. Then, if he sleeps in the carrier/wrap, he'd be getting more rest.

Lack of sleep is also hard on mommy, so make sure you are taking care of yourself, too!

[akasohappy]

I know that sometimes sleeping all the time is a defense mechanism to help children adjust to a new situation (in reference to his sleeping all the time upon homecoming), but he very well could have been sick also.
The more sleep he gets the better he is going to sleep.
The basic building block of attachment is trust. He has to know you are going to be there for him.
I know everyone has a different opinion about CIO, but I think he has not been home long enough for that yet.
We had the same sleeping/napping problems with Kate and it was a struggle for at least 6-8 weeks.
I picked her up and rocked her, or held her everytime she needed me too.
I couldn't get anything else done.
I thought I was really going to sabotage her sleeping habits, but it didn't. She is a great sleeper now.
She was a great sleeper in Guat. too for her FM.
I think she just had to get comfortable with us.
You have WAY more experience than I do raising kids, but this is just what worked for us.
I do know how difficult it is when they won't sleep, but are so tired they are miserable.
Good Luck and congrats on bringing your little man home.

[DPline]

Originally Posted by akasohappy

The more sleep he gets the better he is going to sleep.

I am a FIRM believer in this. While there may be an average, different children need different amounts of sleep. I don't think that young babies/children can sleep too much.

When my daughter had problems going to sleep and staying asleep, it was because she was overtired. She needed a LOT more sleep than my other two children and needed to be on a much stricter schedule than they did. She had a VERY fine line between being tired and going to bed and going to sleep, and being overtired and not able to go to sleep or stay asleep. For her, getting her on a schedule of nap at 9:00 AM, nap at 1:00 PM, and in bed at 6:00-6:30 PM made a world of difference in her sleeping.

Good luck!

[SKL]

My wee one had some trouble sleeping in the first couple weeks after she came home. I took her into my bed the first couple of times, but she could not sleep. Still, I feel it helped because of where she was on her adjustment. It helped her to build trust. After about 3 hours of having her in my bed, I would give her a bottle and try her in her crib again, and she would go to sleep.

The next couple of times she awoke at night, I just held her, gave her another bottle, and then put her back to bed. I know I was overfeeding her, but it made her feel better, and she had really been through a lot. When I would hold and feed her after hours, I would turn on the Spanish TV channel, because I read here that this soothes some of the babies when they first come home. She seemed to like that.

After a couple of weeks of off-and-on sleep problems, she was able to put herself to sleep in her bed, and in the 9 months since then, she's been a great sleeper, having difficulty only a few times when she was sick or teething.

I tend to agree that right now, building trust may be a higher priority than sleep habits, and it may actually help you to develop those sleep habits in the long run.

Good luck!

[michelemk]

I am actually, in general, a fan of CIO if it helps the child to form good sleep habits that will last a lifetime.

In your case, though, I don't think you've been home long enough to start. Do you know what kind of routine your son was on before you picked him up? If so, I would follow that as much as possible.

As the other poster said, now is just a super important time for you and he to bond and attach...wear him in a baby carrier, hold him and rock him and sing to him and basically do whatever it takes to make it through!! You really have been home a very short time and I think you need to give him a bit more time before focusing so much on scheduling.

Michele

[dylav]

My daughter when she came home from Colombia had trouble sleeping for two months...she was 17 months old and she was very fearful. I would first rock her in a rocking chair while she drank her bottle. After the rocking chair I would hoist her on my shoulder and rub her back then I would place her in the crib and rub her back while she was in the crib, so that she would get used to her crib. Then I would sit in her room until she fell asleep...she has been home four months and now I can rock her in the rocking chair and put her right to bed. She still has difficulty every now and then but she has improved a lot..... Your son has had a lot of new changes...it will get better.

[dylav]

My daughter when she came home from Colombia had trouble sleeping for two months...she was 17 months old and she was very fearful. I would first rock her in a rocking chair while she drank her bottle. After the rocking chair I would hoist her on my shoulder and rub her back then I would place her in the crib and rub her back while she was in the crib, so that she would get used to her crib. Then I would sit in her room until she fell asleep...she has been home four months and now I can rock her in the rocking chair and put her right to bed. She still has difficulty every now and then but she has improved a lot..... Your son has had a lot of new changes...it will get better.

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[Suzeb1]

Someone once posted that if you have to choose between attachment and "habits" that you choose to change later...always choose attachment. I've found it to be good advice.

My daughter grieved terribly when she came home and it sounds like your son may be too. The fact that he isn't sleeping even in your arms leads me to believe that this isn't just about sleep, but about being very vigilent in his new environment. I think that all the standard recommendations about getting enough sleep, routines, etc are great, a lack of sleep causes our bodies to produce cortisol to stay awake and then that same cortisol keeps us awake. Sleep does beget sleep, so anything to help him sleep in the short term can help break the cycle. I would also wear/carry him as much as possible and help him feel safe. The book The No Cry Sleep Solution has terrific non CIO suggestions.

When my daughter first came home, I would always ask myself, "if she were with a baby sitter, would I be okay with them managing things this way?" And a babysitter who allowed my child to be alone, without comfort, while she cried and cried because she missed me, wouldn't be invited back. To our children, when they are first home, WE are the strangers, and they are missing their "mommy.'' My desire, and it sounds like it's yours too, was to comfort and nurture until it didn't hurt anymore.

The best to you and your family,

Susan
Mommy to a three year old who was a terrible sleeper for a year and who now sleeps very well although I really wish she needed more sleep...I do!

[carolun]

my now 3yr had this same problem when he came home. You could just about set a clock by him. He would sleep for 20 min at a time then he was up. I found if you go in and stir him, but not wake him, and pat him back to sleep he would get past that first sleep cycle. Sometimes just rolling him over them pat his back would do it. After a while he learned how to sleep. He needs to get rest in order to sleep better , if that make sense. Also my son had stomach and ear pain so that also made a difference.

[LJR1974]

I don't think there is such a thing as sleeping too much--esp in children. If they are sleeping, it's b/c they need to sleep. It sounds like your dc needs the strict routine that was set in Guat... along with more sleep.

I didn't believe it either, but an earlier bedtime solved our nighttime and napping problems (and my ds didn't have a good schedule in Guat).

[Devora]

First off, whatever advice you receive here (including what I'm about to offer)....nothing will be a magic cure. Sleep is one of the hardest issues to deal with and everyone will have a lot of contradictory advice -- because each of us has found something different that works for us and for our children. The following is what we learned when we brought our son home – take whatever (if anything) seems like it will work for you and discard the rest.

(1) Try to set aside all of the subtle and blatant judgements about you as a parent that you may be feeling. Sleep seems to be one of the biggest ways these days that we judge ourselves and others as parents. A lot of times it is subtle and unintentional. But with a small child one of the first questions people will ask you is, “How are they sleeping?” If you say anything other than “Great!” it can leave you feeling inadequate as a parent. This is completely unnecessary. I know how frustrating it is to hear, "Just do this...." as if it's really that easy. The fact is, dealing with sleep is never easy except for parents whose children have never had any difficulties with sleep.

(2) Every child is different. It will take time to figure out what works for you and your child. What worked great for someone else may be entirely wrong for your child.

(3)Your child is still transitioning. Our son had a very smooth transition, but it still took about a month for us to really iron out the sleeping. Too, illness, disruption in the schedule, growth spurts, developmental spurts, and teething can all unsettle a child who normally sleeps well. These are yet more reasons why #1 is so important. Until a child has securely attached and the initial transition is over, it is recommended not to let them “cry it out.” If people tell you to let them cry, don’t listen in the beginning. Maybe eventually that is what you will need to do. But in the beginning your child needs to know they can trust you to respond to them.

(4) Overtired = sleep less. While all kids are different, it's common children in the first couple of years to need 12-16 hours of sleep in a 24 hour period. If she's getting much less than 12, chances are she's overtired. Paradoxically, she will then have a harder time getting to sleep.

As for advice...This is what we found. Basically, our son needed to learn that his crib was a safe place to be, that we would come for him when he needed us, and that he could fall asleep on his own. Until he learned that, he would wake up frequently and cry.How did we accomplish that? We took ideas from Tracey Hogg's book "The Baby Whisperer." (Awful title, I know!!) The book isn’t actually quite as helpful as an online interview with her where she’s more practical and also talks about older children. (But the book provides a framework for understanding the interview. You can find the interview by doing a search for using her name +sleep.) She advocates for the fact that we need to not rely on what she calls props to get our children to sleep -- whether that's a bottle, sleeping on us, being rocked, etc. We do need to give them comfort items like a plush toy or something.

Instead of crying it out, she talks about sitting with your child, patting them, and shushing them to sleep. The idea is that you do as little as necessary -- at first it may be patting and loud (like a water faucet) shushing. As time goes on you may be able to lightly pat. Then you may be able to sit next to the crib. (For us, we patted very little when our son fought sleep because it made him mad and he pushed our hands away -- the important part is that we payed attention to his cues and followed him, so patting wasn’t typically part of our approach.)

As for time, she says you do this for 40 minutes; if she's not asleep or seeming comfortable and relaxed in her crib, take a 20 minute break of quiet activity; then go at it for another 40 minutes. Usually they'll fall asleep in that time. If not, then you take a break for food if it's food time, or else another 20 minute break. At first it can mean that you feel like you spend all day trying to get her to sleep. But she says that in 1-2 weeks most babies have learned to go to sleep in the crib with no "props". (This is for children 4-5 months old; a lot shorter for older children.) (However, do have a regular routine with cues ahead of time that naptime or bedtime is coming -- changing a diaper, pulling curtains shut, etc.) In this approach, your child may cry while you pat and shush -- but the difference is that you stay there and build trust with them, minimizing the feeling of being abandoned.

Whatever you do, the key is to be consistent. Once we consistently did (as in NEVER deviated from) Tracey Hogg’s approach, it only took 3 days until we could do our routine, lay our son in bed, and walk out of the room. He would then talk himself to sleep. My advice is to get by however you can until you can set aside 3 straight days where you plan on doing nothing at all besides working on sleep. No errands. No other obligations. Have a backup plan for emotional support for you and for taking care of any other children. My friend did this with her child over a 3-day weekend when her husband would be home from work; we did a similar plan. We figured that a large portion of the day was going to be spent on a 40-20-40 routine. It actually went much better than that. When we had tried the 40-20-40 approach before it did not work because we did not stick to it -- either because we couldn't due to other obligations or we just gave up. You have to be 100% committed to it for the time it will take. There's a good chance that after 3 days it will take a relatively short time to get your child to sleep and that within a week it will be a breeze.

You WILL get through this!! And when it gets too bad, do what I did before we got this worked out: when I was driving I would look at the drivers around me at the stoplights and remind myself that they were all babies once and they all survived to adulthood -- and some of them probably didn't sleep well when they were babies.

[afentress]

Janelle,
I'd give it more time before letting it cry it out since he hasn't been home too long. Have you started some bedtime routines such as always turning on music and then the nightlight and then giving the blanket, etc (that's ours and has been since the 2nd week home).

Emma is not a rocker and the more I tried to rock her to put her to sleep the more she fought it. I know our kids came from the same orphanage and I came to the conclusion that Emma was used to being put in her crib and putting herself asleep with music so maybe that's the case to with your little one.

We eventually did the crying it out (after about 3 months home) because she was waking up in the middle of the night for no reason and now she's great at going to sleep and staying asleep on most days.

We did cut out the morning nap (again most days) at around a year. We keep her really busy during the morning and then put her down after lunch. She takes about a 2-3 hour nap in the afternoon and this has seemed to help her sleeping at night as well.

No sleep is really hard on mommies!! Hang in there.

Blessings,
Angie

[Traceybch]

Janelle,

I agree with most who have posted here. I think that even if you are considering the CIO method, you shouldn't do it until you KNOW the he is fully attached to you. Right now, he just needs to know that you are there whenever he needs you to be.

I am hoping that the book that I sent you will help some with this issue.

When we brought our Son home (at 7 months) he had a really difficult time with sleep and we were just so exhausted!!! However, we hung in there and held him 8 times a night if we needed to. Once we knew he was attached to us and knew we were coming back, we began to let him fuss more and eventually he slept through the night. I would say this took 3 months or so.

We just brought our Daughter home (at 21 months) almost 4 months age. Every night one of us would stay in her room until she fell asleep. She would always wake up around 1am and scream for us and from then on it would be every hour! We started to take turns sleeping on an air mattress on her floor. That way, when she woke up she would look and see us there and go back to sleep. After three months home we knew it was time to break that habit as she had adjusted wonderfully and was attached to us. Now, if she wakes up and can't go back to sleep on her own, she comes in our room and lays on a comforter on the floor and sleeps the rest of the night no problem.

I guess what I am trying to say is that until you know he is POSITIVELY attached, do what you have to do to make him feel secure. I think this will be the thing in the long run that really matters.

In the meantime.......I feel your pain!!

Tracey

[jules17]

I haven't read the other responses, but I am just going to throw a crazy suggestion out there that worked for us.

Our son Sam "didn't nap" our FM said. I was so freaked out - didn't nap at 7.5 months??

We put him in the swing in his room when we got home, just to check it out. It didn't even have batteries in it - just me pushing him to see if he liked it. He was out in a minute and stayed asleep for 2 hours. It really seemed to comfort him and he napped in that swing until he outgrew it (and by then was attached and comfortable).

I hope this helps! All best!