[Dawnb93]

As some of you know, we brought home our Guatemalan princessa in December 07. DH and I are now starting 2 more adoptions - a boy from Russia and a girl from China. I come back to this board now where I have friends and I know I can count on y'all for good advice. And now, the issue at hand...... My MIL has been living with us since Hurricane Katrina flooded her home in New Orleans (it is now an empty lot). She is, well, to put it nicely, a very difficult person. Because she lives with us, she has to complete most of the same paperwork that we do for our new dossiers for Russia and China. Every time I tell her that she has to do something she says that she "can't." We had an argument recently because she didn't want to go do the police clearance letters when we were going. But she also said she couldn't go by herself (why? who knows.). I told her that we were only going once and that she had to go do it either with us or by herself. She huffed off saying something about moving out (I wish). After a huge argument, she did end up going with us when we went. Now, three weeks ago I told her that she has to complete the doctor's letters. Today, she comes up to me and says that she JUST called and she can't get an appointment with her doctor until August. I suggested that maybe she can see one of her doctor's colleagues. "Oh no. No. No. I can't." I asked why not and got some lame excuse. I'm not even sure what she said because I was getting so angry I couldn't hear. All I heard was "You don't understand..." No. I don't understand. I don't understand the Little Engine That Can't. I don't understand anyone being so negative and so difficult. We're jumping through hoops trying to get these things done as quickly as possible and she's dragging behind saying "I Can't." IMO, it's not that she can't, no, she WON'T. She won't even try. And at the rate that she's going, she's pushing our dossier paperwork getting logged in until probably December or January. I've so had it with this woman. But she is my husband's mother and I have to keep in mind that she is 83 years old (which is why I haven't pushed her out of my door). Am I being unreasonable expecting her to do things in a timely manner? Is it completely out of the question to ask her to try to get an appointment with another doctor just for the sole purpose of this letter? Oh, and can I also mention that we have to sell our house and find a bigger house because she lives with us? If she wasn't here, I'd have enough room for my three kids. And has she offered to help with the down payment on a new house? Oh no. No. No. Sigh. Thanks for letting me vent. Sorry so long.

dawn

[SKL]

I'm sorry - some people are just like that, and I feel your pain. My mom is 20 years younger and I don't know if I could have asked her to do all the stuff necessary for the home study and dossier - though she did pull through and go to Guatemala with me twice, to my surprise. She has a really hard time getting up the mental energy to go to a kid's birthday party five miles away (with someone else driving). It's been like this for years. We just don't expect anything and then we're thrilled when she does manage to get out of the house. I can't relate personally, but I know that when she says "I can't" she truly can't, even if another person could.

In the context of your adoptions, I know this has to really suck. But I have a feeling your MIL really doesn't mean any harm. She may be depressed, anxious, agorrophobic, whatever. My suggestion is to thank her profusely for each step that she does complete and do your yoga breathing exercises the rest of the time.

Good luck!

[annaguat]

It is probably cheaper to get an apartment or boarding for her some where for a couple of months when you are doing the homestudy. when you figure all the extra cost for the dosier and not to mention the head ache. Anna

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

I agree with annaguat. I think I would find a senior living facility. Unless she has a lot of financial assets, it would be rather inexpensive. It would give her the freedom of saying no and you the freedom of not giving a hoot. Then she would not even be a factor in your adoptions.
Kim

[Dawnb93]

Wow Annaguat!!! You're right! I only wish I could get her to do that. And then if she could just stay there......... Thanks for the reply SKL. I do wish it was that easy (her mental state would be an easy excuse). But she goes out ALL the time doing things she wants to do. She doesn't want to do any of this, so she automatically decides that she CAN'T even before she tries. Argh!!!!!!!!! My feeling is that as long as she's living with us, she should be willing to do this for us whether she wants to or not. Oh well. I could be wrong. Thanks again.

dawn

[Dawnb93]

Thanks Kim! Again, I wish it was that easy. She has to many assets and wouldn't go willingly anyway. Plus, after the Hurricane Katrina, the wait for senior residences is 2-3 years or longer. (We looked into this last year when I had it with her then.) It would be sooooo much easier for us if we could get her to go, but she won't and DH isn't pushing the issue. He tries to reason with her, but there's really no reasoning with an insane person.

dawn

[angel_bayou]

Dawn, Have you asked your husband to speak to her since she is his mother?? you may have to show tough love and lay down the law that she needs to do these things so you can build your family because if she can't help then she'll have to look into alternative living locations. I know this sounds harsh, but to me she should be happy to help in any way she can with you guys wanting to build your family. I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time!! Sending good thoughts your way!!

[lmvsmom]

This might sound harsh, but it sounds to me like your DH needs to step up to the plate. He needs to be firm about what she WILL do. It can be done in love and with respect, but it shouldn't be your job to deal with her. I am very surprised that you haven't gotten resentful toward him. Put your marriage and your family first.
Good luck, I realize it's tough for you both.

[2xaround]

I have to agree with the suggestions that she move to an apartment or somewhere that has other people her age. What you describe sounds like someone who isn't happy with the way her life has turned out and is looking for attention. She also knows that if you bring two more young children into the household, there will be less time for her.

Does she participate in any outside activities with others her age? Maybe some social interaction would help her decide on her own that she wants to move so she can be surrounded by others her age.

You are in a tough situation and I wish you the best of luck.

[keirasmom]

I would call her Dr.'s office and explain why you need her to have an appt sooner. I bet you get one. If she doesn't like it then she should have done what you asked her to do. If she comments on it, then just be frank and tell her that if she's living with you and acting like a child then she will be treated accordingly.

I do agree with other posters that DH will have to say somethingto her about all this. It does appear that she is sabotaging the adoption. Has she expressed that she is against it or is she just being passive aggressive?

Good Luck

[dutchmum]

Does your husband has a POA/living will with his mother? Always handy to have in case of sickness and death. If so he can call to the doctor's office and get an appointment for her quicker.

Also he does need to step up with his mother. He also wants the other kids right?

Masja

[hol332]

I am sooo sorry that you are dealing with this. The stress of having somebody extra under your roof is hard enough. I cannot IMAGINE how hard it must be to have it making the adoption process even more difficult. I will keep you in my prayers.

I wholeheartedly agree with the others who said your DH needs to step up and get firm with her about living someplace else. I live in South Louisiana and I know that apartments are becoming more plentiful and lowering in price as the years after Katrina pass. My experience with people who were displaced by the hurricane is that they often are struggling with depression even to this day. They feel that because of the losses they suffered as a result of the hurricane, they must be catered to and felt sorry for indefinitely. Most do not even remotely consider that all people at some point experience losses that are just as painful and life changing but not given the attention and assistance that huricane victims received. Could that be a factor in her behavior? If she could get out in an apartment or other facility, the change of pace might actually help her attitude. It would feel like making a brand new start. Just a thought. Anyway, much luck to you.

[krafmatic]

on the Dr. appointment.

As long as she has had an appointment in the last year, you should be able to use that at least until the appointment in August. It will mean a little extra work since you will have to redo some paperwork, but it will allow you to keep moving on your paperwork.

FYI - This is essentially what I did. My "yearly" check up with my internist was 10 months ago old when I was compililng my dossier, but I had been in the office for a sinus infection recently. I was able to word the dr's letter to say something like "Jane Doe was seen in my office on...".

Good luck

[JoshGuat]

I agree with angel_B. Also, Call the Dr yourself and get that apt moved up, let the Dr's office know why it needs to be bumped up. They will understand and move you up. She probably didn't explain why she needed an apt.
If it were me I would get my dh to lay the law and if she didn't listen, I would tell her myself. -When in Rome, you do as the Romans do

[Lumpkin]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I hear your pain and i'm right there with you.

My in-laws have fought us along the way, and they are the ones that want us to adopt. They just want control all along the way, and that means making things 100 times more difficult, 10 times more expensive, and 10 times slower. IMO DH needs to step up with some tough love. If it was simply a matter of "you do this, or you move out today." issue that I could use to solve my struggles, the moving van would be in the driveway with movers standing at the door when I gave the ultimatum

I love my family, but when they are willing to stand in my way and cause undue stress, worry, expense, etc to their own children just to satisfy their own desires, I can't be overly sympathetic to their plight. It doesn't mean that I love them any less, it just means that if they won't do their job as parents to their own children, I'm going to help them by protecting their own children from further despair. I'm sure they'll come around someday, and if not, at least I know I'm doing the right thing for my immediate family. Your immediate family comes first, so don't let this woman disrespect you and cause your family pain and sorrow just for her own pleasures... DH (or you, if he won't) needs to nip it in the bud before she figures out a new way to continue this power trip over your family.