[puddy]

We brought our son home in Nov. I have been thinking a lot lately about how someday I will explain his story to him. Looking for input.....how will you explain your child's adoption story to them?

[mildredjohn]

i read that at 3 yrs old we should start talking about their birth and origin. I made a story for her which I'm planning to read to her every night.
Right now I started talking with her that she and her baby brother were born in Guatemala. I also mentioned to her that before being a baby she was very tiny and a lady called Marlen-(birthmom) which we can call tummy mommy- took care of her in her tummy until her birth day.
Every night we pray for all of us and always include Marlen, our tummy mommy.

[Disneycrazed]

Malea is just about two and we have always talked about it and told her stories. We always pray for her birth family every night. As she gets older we will answer questions honestly as she asks them and just always make the story and information very every day......

[Alexismandyjr]

J.R. will be turning three in July. He came home at 17 months and when he turned two and started to discuss Guatemala and his adoption. I created a photo album of our journey to him, starts out with his referral picture and ends with him at home. The album sits in his bookshelf. He loves books and is always looking through his books and his album. All our visit trips are documented with pictures as well as our flight home. I tell him the story of how we went and visited him in Guatemala and then we came home in an airplane. I have chosen to share his birthmothers pictures with him (I have many) and he calls her his first mom and says her name. He has Guatemalan items we purchased all over his room including a toy train that Ana recently brought home for him from Guatemala. He says "I can't play with it because that's from Guatemala right mommy?" this is because I told him he should keep it so he can have a little piece of Guatemala with him in his room.

He understands as much as you can expect an almost three year old to grasp. I will continue to explain to both boys where they came from and how God had a plan for us to be a family. Seems J.R. is understanding a little bit more everyday and he seems very comfortable with it.

[mayaprincess]

All of you have wonderful ways that you are handling this and it has given me great ideas! Thnak you!
I read a book to Cristian (almost 14 months) about adoption and I talk to him about it. I pray that it becomes a natural part of him as he continues to grow.

[BobMiami]

Hi. I'm no expert on this, and like many others, I'm just dealing with adoption questions as they come along. Two things, though. My son came home with me as a toddler. He's always known that he has a mommy and a daddy and that I am his papi-- his father. Every night in his prayer we thank God for "making [my son's name] and Papi a family." He knows quite well that he was born in Guatemala, lived with a marvelous foster mom and he is quite proud of it.

But the way I've always cloaked it is that "God brought us together as a family." That simple statement hints that we didn't start as a family, but we found each other. One of his favorite stories (that I made up) is how "Space Cat" (a thinly veiled version of our fat old cat) flew through my fax machine when he realized that I needed a son, and flew and flew all over the world until he saw a little boy in Guatemala who needed a Papi, and so on ad nauseam.

My son is six now, and this has worked well. He proudly tells people that he is from Guatemala and I am from Cleveland and that I am pink and he is brown. And most of all that I am "Papi".

We'll address other issues honestly as he grows.
Bob

[Devora]

I recommend reading the book Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self by Brodzinsky, Schechter & Henig. David Brodzinsky is a leader in adoption research. The book gives an overview of basic theories in psychology about child and identity development. Then it goes through and talks about how children understand (or get confused about) adoption at each developmental stage and adoption-related issues that often arise.

As a psychologist I wish the book was a bit more nuanced in its presentation of psychological theory, but to its credit it is very easy to understand. Even if you have never taken a psychology class in your life, you can read it. It's an easy read with lots of examples and quotes from adopted children and parents. Understanding how children's understandings about adoption change as they grow older can really help you in determining what is an age-appropriate explanation. It can also help you in knowing when/what to ask your child.

Sometimes even though we are using the same language, we aren't really saying the same thing. The chapter on preschoolers has some great examples of this. Even in our family where we have talked with our son about being adopted from day one, a couple of months ago (he's 3) he looked up at me and said proudly (while getting dressed for bed): "I'm adopted!" Because I know that at this age there's a lot of parrotting without necessarily understanding, I asked him what that meant. His answer: "I'm getting bigger!" It's a good thing I asked. Otherwise, I would have mistakenly thought that when he said "I'm adopted!" he meant the same thing as I would mean if I said he was adopted.

The follow-up to that is that after emphasizing the idea that he has two mothers and two fathers -- us and his family in Guatemala...when my parents came to visit us last week he asked a couple of times where my "other mother" was. He clearly understands that Grandmother is my mom, but he was thinking that I must have two moms, too. So we revisited the basic definition of being adopted and clarified that he is adopted, but I am not. I'm sure there will be plenty more of these conversations over the next couple of years while he sorts out what it means, at a basic level, to be adopted. Then there will be many conversations about the more existential meanings.

[nannyisme2004]

My DD came home at 11 months and she is now 4.5 yrs old. We talk about her adoption all the time and really since she was about 2 yrs old. We talk about how she was born in Guatemala and how her nana and me traveled on the airplane to come get her and we became a forever family. That she grew in her Guatemala Mommy's tummy and that her Guatemala mommy loved her so much she made an adoption plan for her because she did not have money to buy the stuff babies need like milk, diapers, toys, etc. And that DD being a little baby didn't do anything wrong because babies can't do anything wrong. They are just goo-goo gaa-gaa babies. We talk about how she lived with her foster family before we became a forever family and their names and some of the things she did with them. She loves looking at her baby pictures. I talk with her about the first time I got to see her, hold her, feed her a bottle and how adorable and cute she was. That I am her mommy forever and will never leave her. That mommies always come back. When we went to pick up DS 8 months ago my DD got to visit with her foster mom and although my DD was tired that day and not so sure what to think about her foster mom she talks about her foster mom and calls her by name all the time. My DD is ready to go back to Guatemala and visit again! My DD has even started to share her adoption stories with others.

[beverlyanderic]

we've talked with our little guy about his journey to us ever since he came home at 9 months- he's 17 months now. we also give him kisses from his foster family.

i know he doesn't understand any of this yet, but we'll at least be comfortable discussing it. i can't wait to have the day where i can explain his journey to us and he understands it.

[Betelnut]

One thing I've read is not to say, "Your birth Mom love you so much..." because that implies love means giving someone away. You just say, "Your birth Mom wasn't able to take care of you and she wanted you to have a better life" (or whatever).

If you say the love thing, the child may wonder if YOU plan on giving him or her away, because, obviously you love her/him too.

[Barbiescraps]

My daughter is 3.5 years old and we have been talking about adoption since she was 2. I dont bring it up often - maybe once every 6 weeks or so- I will say, you grew in Maria's tummy for 9 months and she loved you so much that she wanted you to live with me and Daddy. So Daddy and I traveled to Guatemala to bring you home to our family forever. Last time I told her this she started to pout and cry a little. I said what;s wrong baby- She said- I wanted to grow in your tummy. If broke my heart. Its hard because I have a bio. son and she knows he was in my tummy...
How have you handled comments from your young children about adoption???

[Slatond10]

I love your question because I struggle with this topic. I brought DD home when she was 13 weeks old and she is now 3 1/2. I have never made it a secret that she was "adopted." Obviously we get ask this a lot!. She knows she was born in Guatemala. I try to make "family day" special. I have the Guatemalan gift for her all the way to her 16th birthday.

But she really shows NO interest in the discussions. We have a picture of her foster mother holding her in her photo album.

I made contact w/ birthmother. I have some pictures of her and three of DD's siblings but not the other 2. I wanted to make a book w/ her first family, foster family and forever family.... but not sure how to explain w/ missing pictures of siblings and no names for foster family beyond the foster mother's name. I really believe the foster father was important to her too. I guess I just need to DO IT and not worry about it not being complete but complete to the knowledge I have !!!

I want to visit Guatemala / birthfamily next summer so I need to start "talking" and prepare her!

[loveajax]

I wanted to recommend another book, "Talking to Young Children About Adoption" which really just goes through how different people have handled talking with their children. (Barbie, that is definitely a "common" one for kids...."but I wanted to grow in YOUR tummy!"...totally normal).

I tell DD her adoption story but she never really "asks" much (she just turned 3). I keep it pretty simple for now. Btw, my DH is an adoptee and says he never "learned" he was adopted; he just always knew. He thinks that is the best way to handle it (and to be as honest as possible always).

[KevinK]

We have talked about it since the day they came home. Or done so in such a way as they can comprehend it as they age. So the fact that they were from Guatemala was always part of life. Who their foster moms are (we are close to them) and their role came next. So now my kids know that Isabel lived with Abuela Betty before she came home to us from Guatemala and Betty gave her pachas, put her down for nap, bathed her, sang to her, etc.

At 3.5 and 5 yrs old, both kids know whose tummy they came out of. They are aware of everything but don't necessarily get what it means when I say that we are an adoptive family (we never say that they are adopted, instead we are an adoptive family). They know all the concepts, get what makes us unique, but the "depth' of it has not sunk in.

My opinion being that these things can best be done by not pondering it too much, remaining open and honest, and just letting understanding take its course. We'll see what the future holds but I don't think we'll ever need a formal sit down big talk about it because it will be rather matter of fact.

Just how we're doing it...

Kevin
Guatadopt.com

[guatmama06]

I will have to keep this advice. Our son is only 16 months,we have only been home 8 weeks.
kim