[CarmJoeMom]

I don't have any adopted children, and my ILs are just under 2 hours away, and they still hardly come to see the kids! IT SUCKS, but it is THEIR loss and certainly not mine or my children's!

Sorry your hurt. Really I am. If it makes you feel any better, for me, it got better with time.

[LucyLuMyLuv]

My daughter was 6 years old when she came home. I can count the number of people who acknowledged her. Some even ignored her at family gatherings. Now, almost 4 years later it still hurts. But, I have come to the understanding that it truly is THEIR loss and we have this amazing little girl all to ourselves. If and when they ever want to see us, they can contact us and I no longer initiate it.

[TheFoxx]

It's his sister to deal with - not yours. Let him handle her as he sees fit - even if that means not handling her.

But stop putting yourself out for her. Do not go visit - you have a new baby remember - you don't have time.

[Gatos]

If you've never liked her, consider her absence a blessing. That's how I've always felt about annoying relatives.

[Tina021994]

The most important thing is that you have your beautiful child home with you and your DH. I would not let anyone take away from that at all, even if she come and you really don't like her you would just feel stress the whole time she was there. I agree if anything is said just let your husband deal with it so just go give you son a hug and I am sure he will make you feel better.
Tina

[aidensmom35]

I can understand how hurtful this is but you also have to think of your respective children. You don't want your SIL's kids, your neices and/or nephews, to think that you and your husband don't love them because you don't love their mom. Or that you don't want to see them anymore because you have a baby of your "own".

Also, you don't want your precious baby to not know their cousins and miss out on what could be a great relationship with them.

I have a SIl from H-E- double hockey sticks so I know the feeling but try to think of everyone involved.

[gibbs7263]

WOW! Sounds like my SIL! DS has been home since NOV> She whines that she has never got to meet him. I think she wants us to come to her rather than here.

[Devora]

I also think you have to ask yourself about her intentions. It's hard to know what someone's intentions are, but it's generally a good rule not to attribute to malice what may simply be a matter of thoughtlessness or being overwhelmed.

It's hard, I know. My husband's brother and his wife have never visited us -- before our son or after. (Our son has been home for 2-1/2 years). We do see them 3-4 times/year, but it's always us taking the plane trip and changing time zones. My brother-in-law travels a lot and they are the kinds of people who always seem to have 101 things going on (sports for the kids, scouts, family gatherings, etc.). It does hurt occasionally when I think about the fact that they manage to go to Mexico for about 4 weeks out of the year. But I know that while their behavior is hurtful, they are not doing it with the intention of hurting. My sister-in-law seems a little overwhelmed at times by all the busy-ness of their lives. It's sad because when we lived near them and before they had kids I really enjoyed spending time with my sister-in-law. But things change.

I have let my sister-in-law know that I miss spending time with her. (Even when we are there we don't talk like we used to.) I did this in a nice handwritten letter where I generally wrote about what was up, sent some photos, etc. It wasn't accusatory, just the "I wish we saw each other more" kind of thing. It didn't change anything and she never responded so I've tried to let it go.

I agree that you also have to think about everyone else. How would a confrontation or refusing to visit them in the future affect nieces and nephews? Your child? Grandparents? I've decided to (sadly) let it go and just accept the situation as it is because I think that doing anything more would negatively impact others. I remind myself that the choices they make are their choices. I don't have to let them determine the choices I will make.

[MamaS]

I would send an e-mail telling her you quite understand that her children's activities keep them too busy to visit. Now that you have a child, your family is going to be too busy to drive across four states to visit them too. So keep those e-mails coming -- you know how much your brother and I care about our nieces/nephews.

[emsmom52806]

I'm sorry that many of us have had a similar situations with family. My MIL lives in Tx and FIL in KS. MIL travels a couple times a yr to KS to visit dtr (who always has some problem). It is only 4 hrs longer to travel here, but not once has anyone come here. FIL travels to TX to vacation and doesn't make it the 4 extra hrs. This wkend got email from MIL saying they are going to KS in Sept and can we come so everyone can be together? Laid on the guilt. She knows how I feel about us always traveling, and now we have 2 little ones...."insert bad words here" about people who just aren't worth getting upset about--but I still do. So, I said nothing, yet. My husband is also frustrated and hurt. I am only going back to KS for a funeral and that's it. I have been to TX to visit her and not going back. While it's their loss, it's still hurtful. I would just send back email (since it was to me, I'd reply, but husband could do his own contact) saying something classy about missing them, bs, bs, but I would not go back until they've been to visit. If it comes up later, like duh, how come you don't come here, I would just say that things come up and you have been unable to. If you say the truth, you will probably have a big fight so just have a plan for what you want to say to handle that. When I've been honest, I just get lies and excuses...

[Shannavi]

It will eat you up trying to think of something to say or want to say. Love the ones that love you and let the others go. If they want to make the effort, they will.
OR have your DH say something to her.
Sorry you are hurt. Most of us have at least one family member like your SIL. Gotta "love" them.

Shannon

[Dmitry'smom]

I am sorry that you are stuck in this situation. I have similar problems. My SIL, who I had always gotten along with fine, lives 15 minutes from me and still has not met Sophia. Her daughter actually had her grandparents bring her to my house because SHE wanted to meet Sophia.

SIL did not come to the airport for either of my children or to their welcome home parties. This same SIL threw a fit because we came to the hospital on the day after she had her last child and not on the actual day. With my sil it doesn't have anything to do with the adoption just that she is selfish. To be fair my oldest brother (who is adopted and should be the most excited when I adopt) has only met Sophia one time even though he drives into the state we live in every weekend to see his girlfriend.

Most people have a jerk here or there for family. Just focus on the good you have in your family. You don't want people like that around your kids anyway.

[coachmom]

I agree that it is probably better to let it go or let hubby handle it. You will be the better person. there might be extenuating circumstances that are not seen, like finances that keep them from coming..
I have a sister that hates coming to my house and she lives 35 minutes away! So I just invite her to all the family functions and dont worry about if she comes or not. It hurts but it is not worth it to get myself in her face.. I just love her anyway...that way she can never say it was me.. I just vent on my hubby and let it go.. I gree with some who have said just send a nice e-mail back and say sorry you cant make it but the invitation is open.
JMHO..
Coachmom

[Slatond10]

Originally Posted by Michelle Smiles

If it were me (and I am known for getting myself in trouble with my mouth), I would let my husband respond since it is his sister. We have a rule of mostly letting the other deal with their own family stuff. I wouldn't make any effort to go and visit her again if she isn't reciprocating but I wouldn't turn it into a family war.

Sorry - it is so hurtful when family acts that way.

I am not married and don't have IL .. but think Michelle makes an excellent point in letting DH respond since it is his sister!

My parents / siblings can hurt me and we get over it alot quicker than the in-laws get over things ( at least that is our family history)

[bbeard72]

Let it go..but just let it be known that what comes around goes around so next year when she's wanting to know why you guys haven't visited b/c you guys have "activities", she will finally "get it".