[Aveasmom]

I have been wondering about something. I was wondering, does the Birthmother get to see all of our paperwork, homestudy, and pictures during the social worker interviews, and during the Family court processes? Or at any time during the processes?

[BosMom]

I was told she saw the pictures in my dossier, so I assume she knew other things as well. She also knew when I was going for the visit trip (and where I'd be staying). I don't know that this info was shared by the agency (except the pictures obviously). I think some of it came via the foster mother who had peripheral contact with her.

I'm anxious to hear what others have to say! SO MUCH (TOO much!) was left up to the attorneys discretion in the past. Wondering if things have changed...

[Devora]

It really depends on the attorney, facilitators (if they are used), or foster parents (if there's contact there) -- as well on us as adoptive parents. To my knowledge there is nowhere in the system that the relinquishing parent is necessarily given information about the adoptive parent. At the time the child is relinquished the referral hasn't been made yet. A good time to provide this information would be during the Family Court/social worker interview, but it is not necessarily part of the process. Information about us is written into the report (ours included names, birth dates, education, occupation, length of marriage, number of siblings, wedding date, and that we own our home), but it is not necessarily shared with the parent during the interview. Personally, I think information should be shared at that time. Some information about us is written into the Protocolo which the relinquishing parent signs. The Protocolo is written to give explicit permission for the child to be adopted by the specific adoptive parent(s). As such, it includes our names.

I think information should be shared for two reasons: (1) it's the decent thing to do. These are parents who are relinquishing their children -- they should be given reassuring information about the people who will be raising their children. (2) Without some basic information the consent seems compromised -- how can you say that someone really consented to their child being adopted by A and B if those are just names on a page with no idea of who they are? It may be legal consent, but it seems vacuous to me.

Our agency and attorney encourage contact between parents. Many of the families meet. We, unfortunately, were not able to meet our son's mother. But we did leave a photo album for her so that she could see us and our home (as well as copies of all the photos we had of our son at that point, including photos of us with him that were taken at our visit trip) and we send letters and photos to her 4-5 times per year.

[Guatemom]

In all of our adoptions (2 successful, 2 failed) we were never permitted to contact the birthmothers. So 4 adoptions, 3 agencies...and they were all the same. I asked each one if there was even a chance of meeting her, and they said no. the closest I got was with Cristian's, the agency coordinator lives in Antigua and said she would see what she could do but it was doubtful. When I asked his foster mom if she knew of anything about the birthmom, she seemed very offended. She shook her head no and was very adamant she would not dare discuss her. And that, as they say, was that...
With Connor's, we asked many times if the atty would give pics to the birthmom for us. The agency was very aggravated each time (I think we did it only a few times) and then finally again when I asked to send more pics, they told me that she still hadn't picked up the last ones and the atty hadn't seen or heard from her, so there was no good to keep sending pics. That truly hurt b/c they were my only connection the woman that changed my life. I pray that she did at least get to see our file and know that Connor is much loved and safe and doing well. Whether or not the atty even tried to contact her to tell her we sent pics post-pickup, I highly doubt.

[jandc]

For our post placement visits we had to have 9 to 12 pics ready for our social worker. They asked that not all have everyone in it. They send them to our attorney who keeps them on file for the birthmother if and when she ever wants to see them. So I don't know how much she knows about us but I am glad she is encouraged to see pics of dd if she wants to.

[Aveasmom]

I hope they do show her everything. We are not by no means rich!! But we are a couple of decent people, who will give her child the best life possible. We will love her as much as someone can love another human. Actually we love our little guy (our dog) unbelievably. She will be able to see our home and I hope this makes her comfortable with her decision. I just can't wait for her to be able to decide and get it over with. I WANT MY GIRL!!!

[BosMom]

I've read a ton of info on the yahoo birth registry (parents who have adopted children from GUA and are actively searching for birth mothers) listserv and the overwhelming stories are of parents finding birthmothers and learning none of the information the attorneys told them was true. Some talk about learning that the birth mother wanted to meet the PAPs, but the attorney told them the PAPs didn't want to meet them! Can you imagine the PAIN of that? God it makes me SO angry.

Bottom line is - ya can't trust a thing your attorney or agency told you.

I was fortunate to have an amazing FM. We met during our visit and stayed in touch by email (and some phone calls) during the 5 month wait for my son to come home. We were told by our agency that we couldn't exchange contact info (of course it was 'for my protection'), but we did anyway. One month before my son came home (and after the attorney knew I was out of PGN) my son was taken from the FM (the woman had had him for 17 months!) and given to another FM. The reason? The attorney said it was because she had contact with us (and wasn't supposed to). Now was THAT in my son's best interest?? I'll add that there was NO way they could have known we'd been in touch. Absolutely no way. It was an absolute lie. When I asked about the FM (as if I didn't know the story) at pick up, they told me she was sick (couldn't get out of bed) and couldn't care for the baby. Another LIE.

My son has been home for a year... and the more I learn about the process the more I am convinced that nothing is set up in the child's best interest. Information is kept because the tighter the attorneys can keep the information to their chest the less likely it is that their greed will be disclosed. I hope that this Hague chaos can change things for the better.

[kzwief]

Our foster mom has a photo album for Kate with pictures of DH and I, our house, her room etc. I am hoping that our FM thought to bring this with her to the interview today if our birthmom wanted to know more about us. I think our foster mom would tell her what she knows about us if she were asked. I would love to maintain contact with our daughter's birthmom and meet her one day.