[kirbystarcat]

So we were at a neighborhood picnic yesterday that was hosted by our builder. One of the sales reps who was helping came up to us and introduced herself. We did the same. She said DD was pretty and asked how old she was and the next question was "Where is she from?" As it was a neighborhood/meet the neighbors party, I honestly got confused for a minute and said "Third house on the right." before realizing she was making an adoption comment. Kid you not her next statement was "Oh, she's yours then?" Hello, of course she's MINE. I just said yes and casually moved along. This lady is in SALES--don't you think she would be a little more smooth? I can sort of see asking where she is from, but "she's yours then?" is such a poor choice of words. DD is almost three. She can understand that and was standing right there. She has recently realized that she does not look like us, and I am trying to be very constructive in how I address her statements to that effect. That is why I said nothing other than yes. Yes, DD you are ours.
DH asked me when we got home if we weren't supposed to tell people she is from Guatemala. I have no problem discussing the fact that DD is from Guatemala and that we are so blessed that she made her way to us here, but at the same time I don't want to tell her life story to strangers or sales reps making chit chat.

[littlegirl2]

I have gotten these types of comments many times over the years. We have a beautiful daughter who is now 7 years old so we have had "experience" with this topic!! Anyway, I have come to the understanding that people are just ignorant...LOL!!!! They just don't know. I have come to believe that people are truly interested (I tell myself this) but lack the appropriate social skills necessary to ask their questions (not that it's any of their business). I spent some time in the beginning trying to be insulting back to people, but realized that it did not get me anywhere and I was still left with my feelings long after the conversation...

So now, I personally don't have a problem with sharing about our daughters adoption and what a blessing it is, and usually at that point the "ignorant" person either knows someone who was adopted, they were adopted, they might have been thinking about adoption...I have had so many great conversations after some, what appeared to be, stupid comments. Many times I will even bring up the topic before someone else can make a stupid comment!! I am not saying it always goes smooth after that, but it makes me feel better to voice myself and try to keep everything in the "positive-lingo" in front of my daughter.

I think you did great with your response because ultimately you have to consider your situation and the feelings of your daughter.

With our daughter, at this point, she talks freely about being from Guatemala and we don't mind telling the entire world how God blessed us to be with each other!!

[luv2teach2]

Just curious, what is so wrong with asking where she is from and if she is adopted? Of course people are going to ask those questions and I'm sure not to be malicious.

[Alexa07]

I wanted to add something here that might help - it helped me the other day! We have been home since April 17th and have had a few of these types of comments already. I don't want to get defensive but I started to get a little ticked off at people's intrusion and insensitivity. So I met one of my neighbors as I was walking around our neighborhood and we started chatting. I started to tell her what had happened and she put her hand on my shoulder and told me not to feel so bad as it happens to biological Moms too. She has a daughter and a son. The son is very dark in complexion compared to her (follows his Dad). She was in the post office and someone asked her if he was hers. She was stunned and said yes. The man said he thought he was adopted as he looked nothing like her. She said no, he's mine, he just takes after his Dad. She was laughing about it with me.

Long story short, this made me realize that it basically boils down to people's ignorance and insensitivity and that as an adoptive parent, I was becoming a little oversensitive. I mean, if it happens to bio Mom's and they can laugh about it, then I should be able to just let it go, too. I have thought a lot about her incident and realized that I need to just ease up a little. I will always feel defensive, I'm sure, but I have to try harder to put things into perspective. It's them and not me. Now, when they ask me how much she cost I cannot promise that I won't kick their (edit)

[HopeandaPrayer]

I agree that people can be insensitive but we are or have adopted children fron a different country and in most cases they will look different that we do and different than their brothers and sisters (in some cases). To me, there is no way we can stop people from noticing these differences and if they ask questions in a polite way (i.e making conversation) have no problem asnwering them. I am excited about our adoption and people ask me all the time how it is going and I tell them eagerly about the the expreience. It is just natural that people are going to ask about our little girl when we get her home and I will tell them she is adopted because I think it will be obvious and as long as they are not rude or condesending I could care less if they are curious.

Also, we bio Moms do get the opposite sometimes and I personally get it all the time-i.e. "Your boys look so much alike, I just can't believe how much alike they look".... bla bla bla. I even had one guy at church say to me "Your boys look so much alike, did your ovum split or something" Gee thanks! I wanted to say "Uh no, I have three and they are 2 to 3 year apart so that would be pretty much impossible". Oh well, what are you gonna do? I just had to laugh about it.

Terri

[intladoption101]

Originally Posted by Alexa07

Now, when they ask me how much she cost I cannot promise that I won't kick their (edit)

I am fearful of this question being asked especially with an older child. We don't have our child home but I think this might come up some day. I think the only response I would be able to make in front of my child without causing a problem would be, "He cost me my heart." Said with a big smile and lots of hugs and kisses (to my son, not questioner!) maybe a wink with an older child, as if that is what the person asking the question meant.

[DeeVee]

I just want to chime in here and agree with Alexa07. My bio son is my oldest, and I have received comments about him from the time he was a baby. DH is of Filipino and Italian heritage, and DS looks very much like him. ie "Where is he from" "Where'd you get him" and my personal favorite "What is he?" (I about laughed in the woman's face at that one). But, it turned out that the woman who asked "what is he" is married to an Indian man, and she was asking simply because she was wondering if my husband was Indian too.

So sometimes people say things that come out really wrong, but no harm is meant (I'm sure I've said some pretty dumb things not realizing it myself)

[kirbystarcat]

I have no problems with asking where she is from. I misunderstood at first because everyone had been asking everyone else which house they live in. My problem is with the "she's yours then?" after we clearly introduced her as our daughter.

[michelemk]

I guess I usually just give people the benefit of the doubt. If they've never adopted, they just don't "get it" and I'm not sure I should expect them to. I really try to have a lot of grace with people. Especially people who I just meet once and then we each go on our merry way. What, really, is the point of getting upset and aggravated over a one-time meeting? Now, if I had family or close friends who kept saying insensitive things, that would be different.

For older children, I would just constantly prepare them for crazy things people might say. Let them know, "Some people don't really understand that families can be different, so they might say not-nice things like <insert all really dumb comments here>. And then talk with the child about their feelings if they do hear someone say one of the dumb things.

My first thought to the "Is she yours" comment was that since it was a neighborhood thing, maybe the person was asking if you were the parent or were you just hanging out with a neighbor's child. We were at a neighborhood function the other day and I was holding another baby and I got the exact same question..."Is she yours?" and in my case the answer was "No...she belongs to..."

I'm still trying to come up with a good response to "Oh--she's so lucky!!" referring to our daughter. Usually I just say, "You know, our family really is blessed to have her. She is such a joy." Anyone have anything else they respond nicely with??

Michele

[Alexismandyjr]

Originally Posted by kirbystarcat

I have no problems with asking where she is from. I misunderstood at first because everyone had been asking everyone else which house they live in. My problem is with the "she's yours then?" after we clearly introduced her as our daughter.

EXACTLY!!!!! I have no issues saying our sons heritage is Guatemalan and they were born there. I have 5 bio children and when we are all together as a family and they ask which are mine I go NUTS!

[DeeVee]

Originally Posted by kirbystarcat

My problem is with the "she's yours then?" after we clearly introduced her as our daughter.

Oh, I see. I didn't read your initial post carefully enough. Ok, maybe if there were a lot of parents and children around, it was just an innocent question (trying to give the benefit of the doubt). My friend was holding my DD the other day, and someone thought my friend was her mother -- honest mistake when there are lots of kids and parents around. But, you did say that you clearly introduced her (though sometimes people don't listen very carefully). And the question "Is she yours" implies that because she's adopted she's not "really" yours.

Perhaps the next time you see this neighbor, you could kindly explain to her how her remark could be taken as hurtful. Many people just don't know they're being offensive.

[RGirl]

I generally give people the benefit of the doubt with these silly comments. I do, however, get the "is she yours" question a lot from complete strangers in the grocery store. I don't usually get annoyed until the next comment: When I respond "yes," I invariably get "no, I mean is she real" or "no, I mean is she natural" or "no, I mean is she adopted." What I have decided is that people are just nosy - usually, they have no bad intent (and often very positive intents), but I do not look forward to my daughter wondering whether she is "real" or "natural" after these comments when she is old enough to understand....

I'm still trying to come up with a good response to "Oh--she's so lucky!!" referring to our daughter. Usually I just say, "You know, our family really is blessed to have her. She is such a joy." Anyone have anything else they respond nicely with??

I have gotten this one MANY times. I don't care for it. When it is a stranger, I just say, "Oh, no, I am the lucky one!" When it is someone I know relatively well, I will sometimes explain that I just wanted a child like anyone else would - that my daughter is not lucky, I am; I wanted to be a mom, and I was lucky enough to be able to become this amazing little girl's mom.

[mommytoEli]

i do love the response about "third house on the right." that was funny.

i try to not to freak out about the where are they from.....at least they are acknowledging they are yours in an odd way. i just don't like when people say " oh, you must be babysiting." or something like that. one thing i have learned having eli is that when i see families that do not necessarily "match" i really shouldn't assume anything other than those 2 people are that child's parents....and then let them correct me if i'm wrong. no one ever seems to mind if you say, "your daughter is beautiful," and they have to say, "oh, this is my neighbor, but she sure is." lol....but i didn't learn that until after i found myself offended a few times about eli. i think it is a type of common sense you don't learn until you have a family like ours, or know someone who does.

[MamaS]

I was in a children's clothing store at an outlet mall in Florida. My two Mayan princesses -- ages 5 and 7 --were wandering around the store (not running, not yelling, just looking for things to ask mommy to buy them!). The saleswoman was helping me. When she noticed the girls she said "You all need to get out of here. You can't be in here without your parents." Naturally they were confused, and just stood still, looking at her. She turned to me and said "These people just let their kids run wild and they don't even understand English."
I handed back the dresses I was holding, said "Oh yes, they do understand English. They just don't understand you. Come on girls." Then I took their hands and we left the store.
Her mouth hung open down to her necklace and she was holding a lost sale of several hundred dollars. I hope she worked on commission!

[mommytoEli]

Originally Posted by MamaS

I was in a children's clothing store at an outlet mall in Florida. My two Mayan princesses -- ages 5 and 7 --were wandering around the store (not running, not yelling, just looking for things to ask mommy to buy them!). The saleswoman was helping me. When she noticed the girls she said "You all need to get out of here. You can't be in here without your parents." Naturally they were confused, and just stood still, looking at her. She turned to me and said "These people just let their kids run wild and they don't even understand English."
I handed back the dresses I was holding, said "Oh yes, they do understand English. They just don't understand you. Come on girls." Then I took their hands and we left the store.
Her mouth hung open down to her necklace and she was holding a lost sale of several hundred dollars. I hope she worked on commission!

hahahaha....ROFL. i'm sorry. i know it must not seem funny to you...especially at the time....but being who i am, had i been in the store and witnessed that, i would have laughed out loud...not at you and your girls, but at the VERY uncomfortable position she put herself in. lol.....your poor daughters. i'm sorry.