[robandjulie]

Our BMI is set for Monday and we have the ability to talk with our foster family.

Today it occured to me we have one of our last chances to pass a message on to our birthmother without having to go through the attorney. Since we've never met the attorney, part of me feels more comfortable entrusting a message to the foster family rather than him.

Should I ask them to pass something along to her? If so, what? And is that fair to her?

I want her to know that we are in love with her beautiful son and will take care of him and provide for him and teach him to love and respect his heritage. I want her to know we are open, in fact eager, to maintain communication with her if she chooses. And I want her to feel free to pass along anything she would want him to know about her, his roots, his medical history, or anything else.

At the same time, I really want this interview to be worthwhile and ethical and I do not want to imply any pressure or guilt on her to continue this adoption if she does not want to just like I do not want the reviewer to pressure her into disrupting it. Whatever comes of this interview I want to be from her own heart. I'm afraid if I asked FM to tell her all these things about how eager we are to be his parents and the opportunties we hope to provide for him that instead of comforting and reassuring her it will just pressure and guilt her if she was unsure.

I guess I could ask the FM to wait until after the interview, one way or the other. But then what if she really wants to continue her adoption plan but is unsure about us and his future and the reviewer pressures her and scares her with some crazy urban legend or something. Maybe that reassurance would help her stand up to the pressure.

I'm working my way into circles here! Any insight???

[lpr4]

I thought about the same thing and ended up asking the foster mom to tell her how much I love Isabelle, how I've been to visit whenever I can, etc. I've also asked that she just try to find out what she can, ask the birthmom if she has anything she wants to share, and have asked the FM to have the disposable camera in the diaper bag if and when it is appropriate to have them take a picture together. I have stressed that I trust her to do what is right and appropriate and not to do anything until after the interview! I basically just told the FM that she's the last link I have to the birthmom and trust the FM with the situation!

[robandjulie]

Originally Posted by lpr4

I thought about the same thing and ended up asking the foster mom to tell her how much I love Isabelle, how I've been to visit whenever I can, etc. I've also asked that she just try to find out what she can, ask the birthmom if she has anything she wants to share, and have asked the FM to have the disposable camera in the diaper bag if and when it is appropriate to have them take a picture together. I have stressed that I trust her to do what is right and appropriate and not to do anything until after the interview! I basically just told the FM that she's the last link I have to the birthmom and trust the FM with the situation!

Good idea on the camera! If I ask her to talk with the birthmother I may ask her to do that too, and to use her judgement about when and how to discuss all of this. I play out all these scenarios in my head and so many seem like they'd just naturally work out (if the birthmother is worried one way or the other and feels comfortable asking before the interview) but then the extreme situations where she wants to ask but doesn't and is pressured to parent; or the situation where she wants to parent but asks and then feels guilty and changes her mind again; those two scare me.

I've also been thinking of future contact, especially given the changes in the adoption process. Like, in the future, will our attorney even be available to her if she wants to ask for photos or an update? At the same time, I don't know this woman at all so I'm not sure the best idea is to give her our personal contact information or ask our foster family to be a connection, necessarily. Some degree of privacy seems best until/unless we establish a relationship. I've thought about setting up a new gmail address with something non-name-revealing and passing it along and letting her know she can always email us. We know enough of her background to know she's educated and literate and could feasibly email. Does that seem strange?

So much to think of!

[annaguat]

I would have the foster mother, after the interview, ask if the bio mother wants contact and if so get an address. At that time I would also have the foster mother take a picture if the bio mother is open to that. I would not want to influence anything before the interview. Anna

[Aveasmom]

I am so glad you put this post on. I had already sent an email to my agency asking if I could give her (birthmother) a message, if I could get more pictures. I was planning on if I got a go ahead to ask the forum what I should ask, health, family, siblings, contact. I was so glad to see this.

[HopeandaPrayer]

I thought a lot about this too and even asked my agency if they wanted me to send a message to the birthmother but they did not really get back to me so I basically just left it up to the Foster Mother. I figured if the birthmom asked, the Foster Mother would tell her about our two visits and let her know how much we loved the baby and how we had kept her given name etc. I was so afraid that any messgae I conveyed would be taken the wrong way and would put even more stress on the Birth Mother. Although I was scared to death she would change her mind I did not want her to think we were putting pressure on her to continue with the adoption when it was not in her heart to do so. Thankfully the interview went well and she did want to continue with her adoption plans.

[hesabanana]

Julie,
I would trust Thelma implicitly to handle things well. Ask her to inquire after the interview, and definitely to take pics if bmom consents.
Celia got out prior to the bmi's. I regret we did not have that opportunity.
I maintain a PO box for Ryan's bmom to use....you are welcome to give this address if you like...I could forward you the mail and depending on how things go, you could later give her your address or email. Just a thought. PM me if you want the address.
Brenda