[Devora]

Because most people who are waiting to bring children home are facing longer processes than they expected, a lot of the children may be older (toddlers vs. infants) than you had originally prepared for. So I thought it might be helpful to share resources to help prepare for the transition. Any child at any age can have a smooth or difficult transition so there are never guarantees as to how it will go. But there are things you can do to prepare yourself, to protect your child and prevent problems from arising, and to help your child should they (not matter what you do) have a significant period of grieving or other difficulties in their transition into your family.

The book that I got the most out of was Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft by Mary Hopkins-Best. It's a fabulous book -- easy to understand, gives you a basic understanding of attachment and bonding in adoption, helps you understand the transition from a toddler's point of view, and is full of practical suggestions for how you can help your child. I actually think a lot of the ideas are good for any age -- you can adopt them to babies, toddlers, and older children.

There's also a website that I really like that has some fabulous articles on international adoption. It's called Informed Adoption Advocates (Google it for the address). If you click on "Articles" you'll see there's a whole section for transitions and attachments. They have articles that give you a basic understanding of transitions and attachments, stories from adoptive parents of what they experienced and how they handled it, and resources that are specifically designed for sharing with family and friends so they can understand why you might need to parent a bit differently during the transition.

What other resources do people have to share?

[littlegirl2]

Thank you for this info.!!

[susy...patience]

I just got the Toddler Adoption book & it's the book I am going to read on the plane down to Guatemala to pick up my 14-month old girl (the foster family say she is walking/running everywhere & they have to chase after her all over the house).

[akasohappy]

I read the Weaver's craft book when we first began the adoption journey (about 2 years before Kate came home)
I re-read the book a few times over that time period.
I feel like I was really prepared by
1. reading that book, 2. by reading anything and everything I could find on the internet in regards to attachment pareting/grieving, etc. 3. and this forum.
I found the real life experiences people posted here helped the most.
I feel I was more empathetic and patient because I read this info.
I didn't even know there were such things as "attachment issues" until after we had already signed with an agency.
This is a FANTASTIC thread.

[Jensboys]

Here is an article that might be helpful written by the author of Toddler Adoption. BUT still -- GET THE BOOK. Its a huge help. And I would read it before getting on the plane it requires some forethought to prepare for these issues.

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Adoption Articles


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Are You Ready For a Toddler?


by Mary Hopkins-Best

Every toddler without a family is ready for a placement, but not every prospective adoptive family is ready for a toddler. The good news is that the vast majority of parents who have the ability to be effective adoptive parents can develop the skills to parent an adopted toddler, but there are unique concerns and issues that need to be considered.

Who are the best candidates?
Prospective parents who feel entitled to parent a toddler, have experience with toddlers, have deliberately chosen to adopt a toddler, have an extended support system, have prepared by reading about toddler adoption and networking with other adoptive parents, have a minimum of other stressors in their lives, and are willing to accept the unique challenges of toddler adoption.

Toddlers have a past—one likely to have a profound effect on all aspects of their development. Rarely do toddlers become available for adoption who have not experienced neglect and other abuse. The severity of the trauma, the timing, the number of disrupted placements and the child’s physical health, personality and temperament all impact how severely a child will be affected, but developmental delays and attachment difficulties are not uncommon.

Some strategies
To complicate the issue, toddlers don’t have the language or cognitive capacity to benefit from many of the strategies commonly used to help older children adjust to their new families. However, there are numerous strategies to enhance the bond between toddler and new parent—for example:

Rehearse for parenthood by spending time with toddlers. Observe how they react to people they don’t know: often with anxiety, rejection and fear—reactions common when a toddler and his or her new parents first meet.
Hang out where families of young children congregate (parks, fast food play areas, story hour at the library). Imagine you’re the parent. What works? What doesn’t?
Learn about child development. Read, observe parents or childcare providers engaged in develop-mental play activities and talk to experienced parents. Prepare for attachment challenges by talking to adoptive parents of older children, asking your social worker for help and reading the vast amount of attachment information online.
Toddler-proof your home—see any worthwhile parenting book. Try to make your home feel similar to your anticipated toddler’s current home. If your child has only experienced tiled floors, remove area rugs. If your child has slept on a mattress on the floor, plan to continue the practice for a time.
Learn about your new child’s language and culture. If English will be a second language, learn key words and phrases in his or her mother tongue. Prepare to ease your child’s transition to a new culture by finding out what care- giving practices he or she is familiar with that you can use. For example, young children are carried in slings in many South American countries. Learn to prepare food that your new child is familiar with and enjoys.
Toddlers can be prepared for a pending adoption in many ways.
A gradual, planned transition to the new family helps resolve grief, allows for transfer of attachment and helps develop healthy attachment toward the permanent parent(s). Whenever possible foster caregivers should introduce toddlers to their new parents via pictures, letters and preplacement visits that allow a gradual transfer of care from the former caregivers to the adoptive family. During these visits the toddler needs to witness the former caregiver’s permission and support for the role the new parents are assuming. This allows the child to shift their love and loyalty. After playing with and caring for the child in the caregiver’s presence, the adoptive family should take the child on short outings, gradually spending an increasingly amount of time with the child.

Even after transferring completely to the adoptive family opportunities should be provided for the child to visit and or talk to the previous caregiver.

Enhance attachment
Attachment issues are central to every toddler adoption. Toddlers who were securely attached to a former caregiver will grieve the loss of that relationship but given appropriate support are usually able to transfer that attachment to their new parents. Toddlers who have never enjoyed a secure attachment due to severe neglect or frequent moves may be quite resistant to their parent’s attachment efforts. Resistance may be shown by developmental delays, unwillingness to be comforted, ambivalent or rejecting behaviour, raging, extremely controlling behaviour, an absence of or extreme separation anxiety or extremely withdrawn behaviour.

To enhance attachment, parents must initially provide for their child’s needs on demand, much like parents of newborns. Parents must establish themselves as the provider of the child’s basic needs, even if the child demonstrates precocious independence. For example, parents should require their new toddler to be dependent on their parent for food, even if the toddler resists. Some toddler’s attachment is enhanced by temporarily regressing to being bottle-fed. Feeding and other caregiving activities such as bathing, diaper changing and dressing should include loving touch, vocalization and eye contact, similar to caring for newborns.

Attachment is also enhanced by structure and consistency. Morning, meal and bedtime routines are especially important. Family rituals are also effective in building attachment and creating a sense of belonging. All toddlers are sticklers for routines, but predictability is essential so adopted toddlers learn to feel secure in their new homes.

Play enhances the bond between parents and their new children. One of the many joys of adopting toddlers is that they are immediately able to play and participate in family activities. Get down on the floor and let your child take the lead in play activities. Hide-and-seek, gentle wrestling, bathtub finger painting and other games that involve appropriate touch are great ways to enjoy your new family member while building attachment.

Sometimes parenting strategies need to be supplemented by professional assistance. Your adoption social worker is a good source of support and information about other service providers. While some children continue to display developmental delays and attachment problems, the vast majority of children adopted as toddlers become strongly attached to their parents and are doing exceptionally well.