[kaynig]

I am going through my first "Family Crisis" and need some advice.

"R" has been asking me a lot "Are you my Mommy?" I keep reassuring her and telling her "yes!". Well, every time she asks me it totally breaks my heart. She is only 2 and I had been wondering where this was coming from.

Well the other day when I picked her up from child care. The kids were on the playground. I gave her a hug and started chatting with one of the teachers. "R" ran off to play a little and then ran back up to me and asked me again.

After I told her, “Yes, Honey, I am your Mommy.” she said “OK” and ran off again. The teacher was watching and heard all of this. I told her that "R" had been asking me that same question a lot lately. Then told me that it was probably all coming from little boy “X”. He had been teasing her and telling her that she and "W" (bio son) could not be brother and sister because they don’t look a like. She said she had told the boy that "Yes, "W" and "R" are brother and sister." but I don't think it went any further than that.

I did not know how to react so I let it go, FOR THEN. Well, it is really bothering me. I knew this kind of stuff would come up, but for heavens sakes, she is only 2. How do I explain all of this to a 2 year old?

So, yesterday I called the Director of the child care, she was very sympathetic and agreeable. I suggested they talk to the little boy and let him know it is hurting "R" feelings. I also suggested they read some books to the children about all the different kinds of families there are and maybe an adoption book.

Right now, I find myself overcompensating to reassure her that I love her and she IS my daughter. And, Lord, help "W" if I find out he is contributing to any of this.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to handle all this?
How can I help "W" understand as he also goes to this school?
And most of all, how I can help "R" through this?

[DFNY]

bumping...

[Ms.Judi]

I think what you are doing is great. There will be many more questions down the road. I am an adoptee and the first question I am always asked is; Don't you want to know who you real parents are?" My parents are my parents. 3 of my siblings are also adopted and my parents finally had one biological child. We used to tease my sister that we were special because we were adopted and she wasn't and she would throw a fit and say that she wanted to be adopted and we told her it could be arranged. LOL!!
You are being a good Mom being proactive for your child. Good Luck!!

[annaguat]

I think you are on the right track. Years ago our Pacific Island DD had a lot of racial related issues regarding her dark coloring in her little bible club. DH asked if he could bring in books and share those during story time with the children. This was in the 3-5 yr old bracket and it was very effective. When my now adult Guatemalan son was smaller, older elementary school age, he dealt with the well he/she can't be your brother/sister deal by asking people," Haven't you heard of adoption?" I think with this age bracket sharing books about adoption might be a great way to go and be very effective. Best wishes and let us know how it all works out. Anna

[jenniferw223]

I recommend a book called The Family Book. You can find it on amazon. Lots of bright colors and explains all different kinds of families in toddler terms. It is a very cute book. Good luck.

[Devora]

I think you're doing the right thing. For your daughter, you're not "overcompensating" -- you're doing exactly what you need to do. This is the reassurance she needs right now. She's only 2 so she's not going to understand anything more. You certainly can be talking with her about adoption in the sense of telling her story to her in simple terms. We did this with our son from the time he came home at 8 months. But while he proudly says now that he's adopted and he can identify photos of his mother and says it's his mother in Guatemala, the fact is that at this age they don't really understand what that means -- as evidenced by the fact that the last time I asked my son what being adopted means he said it meant that he was getting bigger! But talking with them about their story (at this age, just in terms of the facts of having two sets of parents and a family in Guatemala who also love her) is a good thing because that way there's never a time when the don't know they're adopted. Their understanding can grow as they grow, develop, you start adding more details, and they start asking questions. But for now, "Yes, I'm your mommy. I'll be your mommy forever and I love you!" is exactly what she needs to hear.

As for the daycare, I think suggesting some books for them to read with the kids is a good idea. I would just be sure to caution them that you don't want them pointing out that R is adopted and making her the focus of the discussion. (For all you know, there are other adopted kids there, too.) But books about lots of different kinds of families and about adoption can be good.

For toddlers some suggestions:
The Family Book by Todd Parr
It's Okay to Be Different by Todd Parr
A Mother for Choco by Keiko Kasza

For the 3-5 year old set, the above plus:
Over the Moon by ??? (it's in my son's room and he's asleep)
We Wanted You by ??? (also in my son's room, but I think the author's last name is Rosenberg; the illustrator is Peter Catalanato, I think)

I can't recall some of the adoption books that are China-focused but there are a bunch of them. One is I Love You Like Crazy Cakes -- I read it once and wasn't wowed by it, but I know it's a popular one. There are others.

[jrainbow]

My sister and I were both adopted (not related) as infants and then my parents gave birth to a boy. I always knew I was adopted and that my family grew by "picking" up a sister. As a matter of fact, at 4, I couldn't understand why we just couldn't pick up "another" brother or sister and had to wait. Brothers and sisters don't always look alike - and even full brothers and sisters are teased for that. My brother and I look more alike than I look like anyone I'm actually related to, even my children - it is uncanny, even now.

I agree with all of the others that knowing that your family grew by adoption and reading storybooks is the best course of action. But I also think you can help her, even at 2, and her brother with a short answer to "your brother and you don't look alike". This will not be the only time they are confronted with this nor the only child that will say something unnerving and having answers ready is more than half the battle. It is also a very good chance for your children to know that you can help them deal with their problems in a very practical manner.

You sound like a marvelous mom - enjoy!

[angel_bayou]

Marlene, Was the director open to reading the books like I suggested you tell them? If so I have one that I read to Arianna and I would be more than happy to send you a copy!! Hope it clears up soon because "R" is such a sweety!

[Oceans]

I think what you are doing is great. There will be many more questions down the road. I am an adoptee and the first question I am always asked is; Don't you want to know who you real parents are?" My parents are my parents. 3 of my siblings are also adopted and my parents finally had one biological child. We used to tease my sister that we were special because we were adopted and she wasn't and she would throw a fit and say that she wanted to be adopted and we told her it could be arranged. LOL!!

Ms.Judi this made me laugh!! As a bmom from the closed era (and yeah, I would love a reunion but...) I so hope my son had this attitude growing up.... hehehe - Even if your poor sister was tortured...

[juliepkamer]

I have 1 guatemala princess and 3 adopted children from foster system my youngest son is american indian(looks very much guatemalan) and my older son is blonde hair, very light skin you get the picture. We had the same thing happen at day care exept my boys where older 6 & 9 but, I was standing right in front of them while the comment was made he is not your bother. I have always told my childern that adoption is special and we choose you, which makes you special. It was cute to watch as my older son then 9 tells this other boy "yes we are bothers and we are adopted, my parents choose us and that makes us special".It was so cute to watch and I can remeber it like it was yesterday my boys are know 11 & 13. I wish I could tell you it only happen once but, as they got older every know and then it still comes up but, while I was writing this I ask my boys what helps when people ask them that question and they told me it is that comment that I tell them "we are adopted and my parents choose me and that makes me special"
I hope this helps it worked for us.
Julie

[Jo Ellen]

There is an adoption author and speaker Sherrie Eldridge who has written books for adoptive parents and also has written a children's book titled Forever Fingerprints. I have heard Sherrie speak a couple times now and would suggest her books to you and for your child. Even as young as she is reading the book by Sherrie for children she can begin to understand this. It is never too early to tell your child they are adopted. I was adopted as a newborn in the early 60s and the mindset then was for the adoptive parents to say as little as possible. My adoptive mom did tell me about my adoption when I was 6 or 7 years old but I am just now able to remember part of the conversation because she kept it so brief and I never felt safe to talk about it growing up. I hope the book or other resources help your child understand about her adoption.