What would you do?

DPline · #1 05-22-2008, 02:18 PM

As a follow up to Brandy's thread, a forum member asked me to start this poll.

How would you respond if you found out that your child's adoption involved fraud? Including if you found out they were stolen or their adoption involved coercian or deception of their birthparent(s?)

All votes in the poll are completely confidential. No one, including moderators and administrators, can see how anyone voted. Please feel free to post comments if you feel comfortable doing so.

gwenrenee007 · #2 05-22-2008, 03:06 PM

This is a hard one. I don't think I could return my dd to her birth family. I know that sounds selfish and horrible, but I just don't think I could unless a court made me. I would however find her birth family and have as much contact as they would like. I know what I am saying sounds horrible, but this is how I feel.

gibbs7263 · #3 05-22-2008, 03:06 PM

Gosh! I really didn't know how to respond to her thread. I worry about that all the time.I responded other. I know that what they have told me seems to be pretty legit, but really people WILL tell you what they want you to hear. I dont think I would return DS. He is a part of our family. I dont know that I would want to have a relationship with the BF, I am kinda weird like that. I would always wonder if they really wanted him back or if they would want to extort money off of me. Dont know what I would do until I find out otherwise, I will try to stay sane and think of DS as my son and honor his mother for being so thoughtful and selfless for wanting to give him a better life.

Mindybeth6 · #4 05-22-2008, 03:19 PM

While I know with 99% accuracy that our adoption was totally legit, I am not sure I would do anything if we found out it was not. I would not return her, I just couldn't do that, she is very much my daughter, and DH and I wanted a closed adoption, which is one main reason we went with IA. I would worry about the true intentions of the birthmother, as Holly said. I guess I am very glad I don't have to think of this, as we have had contact with our birthmother through our attorney and have been able to write her letters and send pictures to her. But honestly, it's hard to say how you would think and feel unless you are truly faced with this situation. So I can't really say I guess.

DPline · #5 05-22-2008, 04:21 PM

I have to agree that until faced with the situation it is hard to say exactly how I would react. My initial feeling is that I would make every effort to locate my child's birth family and establish a relationship with them. But to hand my child back to them. I don't think I could ever do that. But I would work with their birthfamily to figure out a solution that is best for everyone involved. Particularly my children.

I know someone who has a child adopted from American Samoa when it was open. It has since been discovered, many years later, that the agency involved had deceived the birthparents of many of the children adopted through the agency, leading them to understand that their children would be returned to them after receiving an education in the US.

While I am relatively confident in the legitimacy of my children's relinquishment and adoption, this still does weigh on my mind.

robandjulie · #6 05-22-2008, 05:36 PM

This is a very interesting question and one that I can say with absolute certainty that my answer to will change once he's home. If I found out now that there was serious fraud (not something minor, like they put the wrong address for the foster family but serious abuse of the birth family) and the government did not know and enforce it themselves, I could not proceed and would seek to reunite him with his family. However, once he was here, legally our child despite the past wrongs, I am fairly certain that I would be able to say the same thing.

arthymom · #7 05-22-2008, 06:07 PM

I know for a 100% fact that our birthmother was not coerced.

For that I will forever be grateful.

But I also know that our adoption wasn't 100% legit either.

I just want to mention that it is possible for social work reports to be fabricated.

What can I do? I didn't find out the actual significant details of my story on the pickup trip. I can love my dd and create a narrative of hope and love using what I do know about Guatemalan adoptions.

Best to all,

GuatMommy2Be · #8 05-22-2008, 06:17 PM

I would not return my daughter.

angieandstever · #9 05-22-2008, 06:27 PM

I think there is a story about two girls adopted in the US from India and come to find out they were abducted. If memory serves me correctly, they did not return to India forever but instead went to visit and meet their birth family. After I read this story I wondered what I would do.

I am 99.9% sure our adoption was legit. If I found out otherwise I would be crushed. I could not imagine ever giving my daughter back but on the flip side I could not imagine the pain that her mommy in Guatemala would be feeling either knowing her child was stolen. In the end I don't think I would be able to give her back but I would hope for a very close relationship with her birth family, meaning visits a couple of times a year, frequent phone calls, etc. I am pretty sure I couldn't just ignore it knowing there is a mommy out there without her daughter due to some type of corruption.

ej-momtobe · #10 05-22-2008, 06:49 PM

Very thought provoking question. I guess it depends on what kind of fraud. I would try to investigate as much as I could about the circumstances of the fraud. If, for example, I found out that the bmom was really married, and her and her husband had both voluntarily decided to relinquish the child, and used false ID to do it so it would appear that she was single, then I may do nothing (But I am not saying that type of fraud is OK.) On the other end of the spectrum, if I found out the fraud was to cover up a kidnapping (i.e. that someone broke into the bmom's hospital room one night and snatched him, when she had full intent and means to raise him.), I would be faced with a very heartwrenching situation where I would know that this child's bmom has every right to demand that he be returned. I can't say for certain what I would do, but I would not simply ignore it and try to evade the bmom forever.

SKL · #11 05-22-2008, 08:40 PM

I would have to know more. For example:

- Given that the birth mother (hypothetically) did NOT intend to relinquish the child for adoption at the time it happened, how does she feel now that the child has been in another's care for nearly all her life? She may have many reasons to NOT want to disrupt the child's or her current situation. If she could be free to search her soul and speak her mind honestly, versus being pressured either way by outsiders with an agenda, I would take that into consideration.

- Would I be committing a crime by not returning the child? Or is this purely a moral / ethical / personal question?

- Would the birth mother be more at peace or less if I brought the child back into her life as an occasional visitor or pen pal?

If the birth mother had been defrauded and wanted the child back and I had not yet taken custody, I believe I would give up the child, though it would be extremely hard. But if I had already taken custody, the only way I'd return the child would be if it were illegal for me to keep her.

If I kept the child, I would at least keep the birth mother informed of the child's progress, unless she didn't want such information. I am not sure about physical visits and such. That would just be so hard. I'd probably die of guilt every time I thought about the birth family, no matter whether I ever saw them or not.

candkss · #12 05-22-2008, 09:48 PM

Most of you knowing me can guess my answer on this...NO ONE IS TAKING MY BABIES FROM ME WITH OUT A MAJOR LEGAL BATTLE and then they would have to find me. But I want a relationship with there birth famlies anyway so that would be no problem for me.

AngelsMama · #13 05-23-2008, 04:36 AM

I voted that I would NOT give my children back but.... had I found out before I left Guatemala that my children had been stolen or coersed from their birthmothers I would have give them back. However, we are home and they are US citizens and most importantly they are my children now. I'm not sure if I would want contact with the biomom. I do know that both of my adoptions were legit in that area

purplecat · #14 05-23-2008, 05:35 AM

I totally feel the same way AngelsMama does.

I voted I would not give my daughter back. I also think a lot of people will be afraid to post because this could be reality for so many of us that have adopted from another country.

I can not say as some posters state that our adoption was 100% legit. I do not know. Our Birth Mother, we were told, was illiterate.

A few questions I have are...

If a Birth mother is illiterate, how will we ever know for sure she knew what she was signing?

If the attorney signed the final signature instead of the Birth Mother, how do we know for sure the adoption was legit?

Why are some children placed for adoption at a few months old and older? Did circumstances change for the Birth Mother? Had she not already bonded with her child?

I think that trying to establish a relationship with the Birth mother, provided it was not an legit adoption, would be like ripping her heart out all over. It is her child, why would she want a relationship with a family that has her child she did not want to give up?

Just my opinion

View Poll Results: How would you respond if you found out your child's adoption involved fraud?
Nothing	110	43.14%
Locate your child's birthparents and attempt to establish a relationship	85	33.33%
Offer to return your child to their birthparents	28	10.98%
Other	35	13.73%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 255. You may not vote on this poll

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