[JosieWales]

As an adoptive parent of a gorgeous little Guatemalan boy, I totally understand how one can get offended by, "Is that your real son?" and other such idiotic questions. I DID NOT ask that--LOL!

I did ask a CC woman in my water aerobics class last night if the 13yo girl who'd come in w/her was her daughter. The girl was Hispanic (and drop-dead gorgeous). The woman looked at me w/the same look I've had on my own face--like, "Why, is that an issue?" but she answered yes. I then told her that her DD was beautiful, then asked about her heritage, making sure I first got in that we'd adopted from Guatemala so we had a Hispanic child, w/the same beautiful coloring.

After I said that about our son, she seemed ok w/it. She explained to me the girl's bio dad was from Honduras. She was even chatty about her DD being in high school next yr., how envious she is of her DD's pretty dark skin, etc.

What do you think? Is it insulting to ask if you have a legitimate interest or some kind of possible connection to ask that sort of thing? DH says he thinks it was fine, esp since I had a reason and wasn't just being nosy (well, not nosy just for nosiness's sake!). But I don't want to step out of line, at all. Families are, after all, families, no matter what!

Is it out of line?

[lmvsmom]

No, I think it was fine. She probably has heard plenty of comments and keeps her guard up.

[cjrogers]

I think it was fine providing that you mentioned your own adoption. Sounds like you formed a bond with someone who experiences what we often do!

[guatparents2be]

I think it's fine. People ask me all the time and I couldn't care less...I assume that there is no malice intended and that they are curious. Rather have them ask then just stare and wonder. Humans are curious beings after all!

[Terry111]

I too think it was fine. I am not offended when someone asks my kids heritage or if they are adopted. I suppose I would be if they asked in a rude way but I have not encountered that as of yet. I have also had a couple of occasions when people have asked because they also had children adopted from Guatemala and, especially in those cases, I am very happy to chat.

[redru2004]

I don't think you have anything to worry about at all, but I do know why you would question it. Before Lucas came home I was in line at the grocery store. There was a cc woman in line with a beautiful little girl about 3 yrs old who had the same beautiful coloring that Lucas had. We were just about to go on our visit trip and after smiling and waving at the little girl for about 5 minutes I said "you're daughter is beautiful" with a smile on my face. She said thank you and just went about her business. A few minutes later I said "I hope you don't mind me asking, but was she born in Guatemala"?? She kind of gave me a look and said "yes, she was". I quickly followed up with, "I'm sorry about the questions, but we're in process to bring our son home from Guatemala and It just warms my heart to see other families in the area that have formed their family in the same way". At that time she started talking to me about the process, asking what agency we used and asked me about Lucas. I felt weird about it because I didn't want to offend anyone, but I couldn't help but want to reach out to her. Once I explained what the connection was, she was completely at ease and eager to talk, but you just never know if you're offending someone.

[JustBarbara]

No, I don't think it was inappropriate but I have to tell you what could have been an embarrasing moment. When DS first came home I noticed an Asian/Chinese looking girl of 6 with her CC mother. I was going to ask but then decided not to. Good thing too - turns out her husband is Chinese-American and her SIL is someone I work with here at the university. Both the children look Chinese, especially the daughter. Another time, I did see two boys who were clearly from Guatemala and they were crossing the street with their moms - as they passed by I just said to DS 'Guatemala I think' and they just stopped in their tracks and we had a wonderful conversation.

[afl]

I too can't help myself when I see what appears to me to be another child from Guatemala or another Hispanic country.

I met a friend in a restaurant one day because she came up to me and commented how beautiful my DD was. She finally got up the nerve to ask me if she was from Guate. She was in process with two children. We exchanged emails and now today we attend b-day parties and get-togethers with them.

[Aveasmom]

Okay, I don't get it. I don't have my DD yet, but I don't get why everyone gets mad if someone asked if their DD or DS is adopted. I went into this Guatemlan adoption knowing people would ask. If I didn't want people to ask I would have gone through Russia, or ukraine. Maybe I will get it after she comes home, and I get sick of people asking. But FRANKLY i would DEFINATELY want them to ask me that, before they ask me if I am the GRANDMA!!!!!!!!!! I was asked that once when with my friend and her DS. SHe is 9 yrs younger than I. Now that really made my heart HURT!!!!! After that I told my DH to get ready for it, since I am Blonde/Blue eyed very fair my DH is blonde/brown eyed and very fair and our DD is Black/Brown eyed and brown skinned. I DON't WANT TO BE CALLED GRANDMA!!!!!!!!!!!!

[annaguat]

I think it is totally fine. I love meeting other families that are culturally and racially diversivied. I think it is important to identify your family as such so she can have an understanding where you are coming from. Anna

[annaguat]

It is the way they ask and what they are asking. If they keep on insisting it is not your real DD or DS it is very rude. Or if they ask about why my children's bio family did not want her/him etc. LOL On the grandma thing. DH keeps being told he is the grandpa even if he tells them it is his DD or DS. But yes that can be annoying too. Anna

Originally Posted by Aveasmom

Okay, I don't get it. I don't have my DD yet, but I don't get why everyone gets mad if someone asked if their DD or DS is adopted. I went into this Guatemlan adoption knowing people would ask. If I didn't want people to ask I would have gone through Russia, or ukraine. Maybe I will get it after she comes home, and I get sick of people asking. But FRANKLY i would DEFINATELY want them to ask me that, before they ask me if I am the GRANDMA!!!!!!!!!! I was asked that once when with my friend and her DS. SHe is 9 yrs younger than I. Now that really made my heart HURT!!!!! After that I told my DH to get ready for it, since I am Blonde/Blue eyed very fair my DH is blonde/brown eyed and very fair and our DD is Black/Brown eyed and brown skinned. I DON't WANT TO BE CALLED GRANDMA!!!!!!!!!!!!

[myguatbabes]

I am an older mom and get the "Are these your grandkids" a lot. I just reply, "No, they're my kids." I don't feel any further explanation is necessary. However, one day at Wal-Mart an older lady kept watching me with my then one-year old and finally walked up to me and laid her hand on my arm and said, (in her most sympathetic voice)"Honey, is her daddy a Mexican?" I looked at her without even a smile and replied, "Honey, I have no idea WHO her daddy is." and walked away as she stood there with her chin on the floor!!! It was so obvious she was just being nosy and wanted to say something negative about the Hispanic race, assuming that my DD was not MY DD. That is the kind of thing that makes me angry!! Anyway, just wanted to share.

[Dawnb93]

I'm perfectly fine with people asking about DD if they ask politely. I'm 37 yo and have been asked once if I was M's grandmother. Boy were my feelings hurt. We do get a lot of questions since I'm about as fair skinned as Casper the friendly ghost and M is pretty dark skinned with black hair and eyes. I had an Oriental lady come up to me in JC Penney's and ask "Where's she from?" Without thinking I said "Covington" which is where we live. And a few weeks ago a Hispanic woman looked at us and said "She doesn't look anything like you." I just said that she's adopted and left it at that. But most people have been polite and I haven't had a problem with telling them about her adoption. I, myself, haven't been as bold as to ask anyone, although I see a lot of obviously internationally adopted kids around lately... I guess I'm afraid that I will offend somebody.

dawn

[RyannB]

I don't mind people asking. Ilove to talk about adoption.

I have asked 2 mothers before. I usually say, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but was your child born in Guatemala?" I was right both times (luckily) and we had a nice convo about our babes.

[GDSinPA]

I don't think there's a big problem with that. Perhaps the only thing one might do differently is to assume she's the daughter and simply talk about her that way. Maybe for some, it's better to be corrected on that then to have to ask the question.

The REAL problem comes in when complete strangers in supermarket lines (different than a class setting) ask out of the blue if our kids are our kids. Or if they are our real kids, etc. It's just rude to phrase it that way.

I have seen a few people in stores with children who I felt certain are from Guatemala, but have never had the guts to say anything.