[tonyy]

Ok, I don't know what it is about me, but I ALWAYS get the question, "Are they REAL brother and sister". Most of the time from complete strangers who I will never see again, or aquanitences (parents of kids in the same classes as my kids). I have been mommy to my son for 6 years (celebrating this Saturday) and my daughter 4 years (celebrating end of July).

This last time was at my daughters bestfriends birthday party --- got it from 2 people!! My daughters preschool teacher asked if they were real brother and sister, - and I said YES, but not biological. She said of course I know they are brother and sister....Meaning I didn't have to say , "YES, but not biological". Made me feel kind of dumb....I was just caught off guard. I assumed she knew, but the question in such a way took me by surprise. I thought I was "educating" her by saying YES they are brother and sister, but not BIOLOGICAL. The BIOLOGICAL part is what she was getting at....

The second at the same party ---- never saw the women before in my life....said, " I overheard you talking, so you mean they are not for real brother and sister"! "I knew they didn't look like mommy"! I just wanted to walk away and cry!!! Then I get the lame excuse that she and her husband were thinking about adopting, but they got to busy with THERE OWN KIDS!!!!! What?????

I am so tired of nosey people and yes it is nosey people, not sincere. What is your take? Why do they even ask? I'll tell you the setting was complete in appropriate. I would never ever go up to a complete stranger as lady #2 did to me. Most of the time the comebacks that I want to give, I think of later. UGH!!!!!!! Most of my friends who have children that are not biological never get this question, but for some reason people find the need to ask me(not being biased but they are beautiful children)!!!! I don't even think about them being "adopted" (they are my children)! I am taken so off guard when a question like the second person is asked. She just rubbed me the wrong way w/ the FOR REAL part and THEY DON'T LOOK LIKE MOMMY!!!!!

In some cases I have simply said yes, but then I feel like I am not being consistent w/ my answer. Like if someone knows they are not biological and then I tell someone yes then I feel like I am going to get caught in a lie. I don't want my kids to feel that it is ok to lie, but I am just sooooo tired of this question. I just don't get it!!!! (Can you tell that I am frustrated)

Just to add one other thing, - my husband never ever gets asked these questions.....not that he looks like them either. UGH!!!!!

[dianneemily]

I use the response that I learned from this forum, "they are now!" Most people get what I mean by that and I don't have to actually say "they are not biological siblings". I try just to say that and not get too upset, but I absolutely agree that it is not their business anyway.

[SKL]

I used to do the tolerant education thing, but now my daughters are getting old enough to notice the "iffiness" in my answers. I don't want them to be wondering what about their sisterhood is not complete. From now on, the answer to that question will simply be "yes." In our case, if they got so far as to do the math, they could figure it out for themselves, though a surprising number of people still don't.

I too don't even feel like my kids are "adopted" any more. I am simply their mom and we do everything that every other ordinary family does. I totally understand that people mean no harm when they ask questions, but at this point, it's about how we feel as a family. I won't be rude, but I won't take away from my daughters' feeling of completeness either.

[bajj]

I get the same thing with my 2 boys. I will sometimes say, "well, they're not fake!"

[diver345]

You can always just ask "why do you ask?" This will put the ball back in their court so to speak and give you time to figure out how you want to answer it. It can also make them see there's no point to the question. I also liked the other response that said a simple "yes". If you start by answering yes and they keep pressing, ask nicely why do you ask? I would keep my tone nice of course but just b/c someone asks a question, doesn't mean you have to answer it. Just my take on it.
Vicki

[TheFoxx]

Why do you feel the need to respond to these people? The best thing you can do for yourself and your family when faced with unwanted questions is to simply say "why do you ask".

If it's a ligit question they will say so. If not, they will realize they've crossed a line.

Sorry you had to face those ignorant questions.

[JosieWales]

Originally Posted by bajj

I get the same thing with my 2 boys. I will sometimes say, "well, they're not fake!"

I like this. It's sure to make the asker stammer a little and think about what s/he is saying.

I would just say yes, with no qualifiers (like 'but not biological'). When people ask me if I have any children, I say, "Yes, a son," not "yes, but he's adopted."

[gkmdc]

I'd love to give these tips to my husband to read...is there a way to print this thread without copying and pasting?

[tonyy]

THE FOXX - good question? I guess I am taking so off guard because I don't even think about it anymore, - that I answer. I am going to start saying "WHY DO YOU ASK?" I like that. There are some persistent people out there that just don't give up though!!!! I do remember meeting a mom at swimming and someone asked that of her regarding her two girls --- she simply said that it was her daughter's stories and she would not share it with anyone. The woman then said she was interested in adopting from China and she just wanted to know if it was possible. See how persistent some people are? Again, though the adoptive mom said nothing.

[DPline]

Originally Posted by gkmdc

I'd love to give these tips to my husband to read...is there a way to print this thread without copying and pasting?

If you go up to the top of the thread, on the top right of the OP there is a tab that says 'thread tool.' If you click on that you can get a printable version.



With two adopted children only six months apart in age, I too get lots of questions. It usually starts out "Are they twins?" I then respond that "No, they are six months apart." More often than not, that is followed up by "Are they biological siblings?" Well DUH! How would that work??

I must say, at this point it doesn't really bother me any more, but I am constantly amazed at how totally inappropriate people are. Even if they mean well, what would posses them to ask things like that?! I don't 'get' it, but I also just try to let it roll off as I think most people do mean well, and it just 'comes out.'

[AdoptAmiga]

I hear you sister! I get that ALL THE TIME, too. My kids are now 6 and 5. When someone finds out they are adopted, that's the question asked. Mostly, I just respond with "they're not biologically related" (although they could be! - they were born in communities 30 miles apart - heck, they could be cousins...) Usually the response back is "well, they look so much alike". Which, to me, they don't!

The thing that does get me though is DH is Latino. Some people will say "Oh, they're from Guatemala. So that's why they look so different from (DH)?" That just bugs me. Can't you just say my kids are adorable - like a normal, polite person would??!!

[JosieWales]

Originally Posted by tonyy

I am going to start saying "WHY DO YOU ASK?" I like that.

My other favorite response! Because...most of the time people are just nosy and have no real interest/reason in knowing. And it makes them (hopefully) question their own motives for asking such a thing.

[havensd]

It also amazes me at how intrusive people can be. I have had people come up to me and ask me if my son and daughter are adopted and if they are really brother and sister. I even had an acquaintance ask me if they "were from the same family". The way she asked, it was like she was asking me if 2 puppies were from the same litter. I even had the nurse at our pediatrician's office say right after our son came home, that our son and daughter "could almost pass as brother and sister". Uggh! Sometimes I just want to say to people "Are you really that rude, or are you just dumb???"

[mommytoEli]

i like to say, "no, they are make believe ." i'm a smart alec.

anyway....now that we have 2 sets of "real"(ugh) siblings we get it ALL the time. everyone wants to know how everyone is related. it bugs. but i think it is natural. i wonder it sometimes about other people's kids...i think the only reason i keep my mouth shut is bc i know how annoying the question can be. i think i'm going to just start saying, "i think you are wondering if they are biological siblings. they are not. just so you know, most adoptive parents don't like to use the term "real" when describing this relationship, as adoption makes them very much REAL siblings."

[JustBarbara]

I love the response 'why do you ask' ... or perhaps 'what do you mean?' ... I sometimes wonder what possess people to ask these questions. I mean would you ask a woman who introduces her husband or vice-versa - so, is this your first husband/wife? Is he/she your kids Dad/Mom and so on. As for the 'they don't look like mommy' - hah I wonder what people thought of my four siblings and me - ranging in color from blond to brunette with brown, hazel and green/blue eyes and different heights/body shapes and body color tones.