[mommytoEli]

this poll is anonymous, so be honest. i just saw an interesting thread over on the China board about whether or not posters would consider using an agency that could accomplish things a little faster if you thought that they were doing it unethically. it led me to wonder how normal it was to have unethical thoughts, or other thoughts we'd probably consider to be taboo. so, if we aren't going to discuss them (and by all means, feel free, just remember the terms of service here- no cussing, no personal attacks, no agency names, etc) well then let's anonymously vote about it.

this oughta be interesting

editting myself to say, i am in NO way condoning illegal activities, just wondering how many of these thoughts have ever crossed your mind. just bc you thought about it, doesn't mean you did it. be honest...i don't even know who votes what. you can also click on multiple choices, so feel free to vote for as many things that apply to you.

[Clare'sMom]

Good Poll! I think at times we all feel very alone in this process, it is nice to see that there are others that may have "thought" about things that we would NEVER tell anyone else about.... Only another AP would understand these feelings.

Also I have to say I felt good, even a little releived when I checked my boxes....Kinda like confession....but know body gots to know.....

Thanks, Ann

[SKL]

I didn't vote because although pretty much all of those things crossed my mind, I didn't dwell on them long enough for them to be "serious" considerations. I can see how people would be very ambivalent about some of these choices if their cases were long or had major roadblocks. If it seemed to be really the only way to give a home to a child who needed one, and the risk of detection were low, maybe I would consider doing something that was against the black-and-white rules, provided I was sure nobody was getting hurt as a result. Thank goodness my case never got to the point where I had to be tested in that regard.

[annaguat]

OK probably dumb question but why would people ever feel guilty for adopting a child from a different country? I guess it has something to do with people asking why you did not adopt a child in the US?

Where I am coming from - Both DH and I are import and think the US is great so felt foreign adoption was a wonderful way for another human being to enjoy living in this wonderful country.

Maybe we had less people ask us why we adopted foreign since both DH and I are foreign born. I am not sure.

Anna

[SKL]

Good question. From my experience and research, I could see a couple of ways this thought could creep into one's mind. First, the point you raised about "why not a US adoption." People who have never been outside the US often don't realize how much more poor the poor in other countries are - how much more difficult foreign orphans' lives may be if they are not adopted. Second, the view of UNICEF and others that taking kids from their home country strips them of their heritage and forces them to grow up a minority in a country where they will never fit in. This is something that entered my thoughts a couple times. Would I have the ability and commitment to ensure my kids won't lose their heritage and won't feel like they don't belong here? Not that I agree with UNICEF, but I could see where some folks might second-guess themselves on that.

Originally Posted by annaguat

OK probably dumb question but why would people ever feel guilty for adopting a child from a different country? I guess it has something to do with people asking why you did not adopt a child in the US?

Where I am coming from - Both DH and I are import and think the US is great so felt foreign adoption was a wonderful way for another human being to enjoy living in this wonderful country.

Maybe we had less people ask us why we adopted foreign since both DH and I are foreign born. I am not sure.

Anna

[Mary Mulcahy]

With all the recent problems, every day I wonder if somewhere, at sometime the individuals who helped me with my adoption did something that would violate the ethcis.

I also at times feel guilty about removing my children from their birth culture.

As your children get older, the thoughts increase since they are also verbalizing the same.
M

[loveajax]

I think many adoptive parents feel lots of guilt at times. I went to catholic school for 16 years so I am best friends with guilt...my mom has a book on her nightstand called ''why guilt is good''!!I just saw someone post that they felt guilty about adopting when so many others are so sadly in the trenches.I don't think it is any less so in a domestic adoption. I am meeting with dd's birth family today and I feel guilty sometimes about ''taking her away'' from them. I feel guilty when her bmom talks about her grief.as someone posted in the other thread, guilt is sort of an unproductive emotion (but I struggle with it nonetheless). very interesting thread!

[mommytoEli]

Originally Posted by loveajax

I went to catholic school for 16 years so I am best friends with guilt.

completely OT, lol, but i went for 8 years, so guilt and i are fairly close as well. on the other hand, i had to teach my dd what guilt felt like, she kept telling me when she got in trouble i was hurting her feelings, i said, "no dear, that's called guilt."

[Waiting4Celeste]

I checked "had other negative feelings..." because, this may seem WAYYYY out in left field, BUT
I feel guilty because we experienced the miracle of adoption and in doing so, received SO much support and blessings and great friendships that don't often come with a regular ol' "normal" birth. (I say that tongue-in-cheek and am not dismissing the fact that not all births are "normal" - you get my drift...)
I often tell my friends who haven't adopted and have biological children, that I am the fortunate one!
There aren't a lot of built-in support systems like the ones that are offered to adoptive parents.
As the result of adopting, we have met so many wonderful people and have experienced so many things that we NEVER would have been able to if we would have given birth to our children. One of those things being THIS forum!!
So - there is some guilt associated with that because
ADOPTION IS SO COOL!!!!!

OK, its late and I am getting a little nutty...I hope this post makes sense because I am having a hard time explaining myself!!
Good night!

[WaitingforBrian]

I haven't voted except to see the poll, because I tend to be fairly suspicious about polls in general. Please Mommy to Eli, Do not take this as me questioning your integrity. Its just my natural paranoia. The truth is I have never questioned our 1 completed and 1 inprocess adoption, nor have I ever questionned our agency or our attorney and in fact I know certain things about our atty which confirms my faith in him.
I do have concerns that unscrupulous people could access this poll and use it badly, and that is the main reason I am adding to this thread, It has taken me quite a few days to get the courage to do this but in this current climate I would question the timing at least of the poll.
Bernie

[PackGirl]

I have quite a bit of guilt over our adoptions.... some of it is probably irrational...but it's there anyways. (Yes.... I'm Catholic also )

My guilt usually gets worse while in Guatemala and lasts for a while afterwards.
I LOVE seeing my kids blend into a group. While we live in a fairly diverse area, it never seems like enough. I feel terrible that my kids are not going to be raised in their own families... I feel bad that I made a choice to adopt over conceive and that their moms cant really make a choice about their own bodies.
I feel bad that even as toddlers, my kids seem to stick out cuz they have lily white parents while they have beautiful brown skin.
I feel bad that they dont like to speak Spanish... K tells me it scares him.... I dont know why.

There are just some of my thoughts....
Overall, I'm very happy with my choice of family building and I belive that we do our best in exposing our kids to both of their cultures and languages.

I guess that is all that we can do, is to do our best.

jmo

[Pipercub]

Thank you for this poll. I was one who had a hard time attaching to my daughter - for nearly 9 months after she came home. Those were so extremely difficult months. I will be forever grateful for the people here who were willing to openly share their own struggles and offer up suggestions and give me hope. I think this poll is really a sanity check for those who themselves are going through the really hard times. You're not a freak. It can and will get better. Don't be afraid to reach out to people who can and will help you. You're not alone. <3

P.S. Home 14 months now - and it's great.

[IHOP]

i did think on occassion "hmm, i wonder if xx amount of dollars would help this along" - hey, I am human!

But I did feel incredibly guilty when on our pick up trip - just felt bad because I thought I was taking him away from his home - meaning his foster home, not even his birth mother at this point. I just felt like - I was disrupting him by moving him and they had loved him so much.

Before adopting myself, I can honestly say I never gave much thought of a birth mother or a foster parent BUT having been through this process OMG, my whole thinking has changed - these are amazing people and this entire process is surreal to me and life altering. I guess ingorance is bliss - i just didn't know until i was actually faced with a birth mother and foster mother - whom i love very much and my son will always know his past and where he came from - I owe that to him. I have the utmost respect for any birth mother.

[mommytoEli]

Originally Posted by WaitingforBrian

I haven't voted except to see the poll, because I tend to be fairly suspicious about polls in general. Please Mommy to Eli, Do not take this as me questioning your integrity. Its just my natural paranoia. Bernie

lol....i am a super paranoid freak...so i am not offended. if you feel this way, you could pm one of your forum friends and have them pm me anonymously and i could add to the vote. lol! but i promise i can not see any of the votes. if i could...i wouldn't care. one reason i like polls is because it gives a chance for people to be super honest, bc no one knows what everyone else is voting. so if you change your mind...you or someone you trust can pm me and i can add a vote....but i promise promise promise that is the only thing i can do.

[mommytoEli]

I would question the timing at least of the poll.

ok...one more thing. i just moderate here for fun. my son eli has been home for about 18 months....during our family's travels to and from guat we met many people here that know i am just a real regular human being. just a regular fat old stay at home mom. my agency bugged me. i thought my attorney was slow and a little stupid to mis-spell her own name. my fosterfamily hit me up for money and now they don't talk to us bc i said no. i have my own ideas...but occasionally steal ideas from others. like this poll idea. i saw something similar on the china board...that and there have been some posts here lately where people seem to feel guilty or are having a hard time. i also know that when i was doing my adoption, i wished i knew who to bribe...cause i probably would have tried....so i can't imagine how much i'd be thinking that now.. i wonder what other people think...are they crazy like me? lol....i have no agenda. nobody put me up to this. i have no allies.

i am not telling you to not feel paranoid. be paranoid. i am the first person who will understand. but for one second, please just take a breath and know that i am a normal human being with just a lot of wonderings. and so....i like polls. if you don't want to play with us, my feelings are not hurt.