[LisaLuka]

Like others, I'm just having a hard time today. I've never been known for my patience, and especially not when the waiting seems to be for no good reason.

Gosh, my son will be 3 in July and may be 3 and a half before he comes home. All of a sudden I'm afraid that's too old...for what, I don't know. But DS1 was only 22 months when he came home. DS2 is looking like he's going to be a whole TWO YEARS older than that before he comes home. That's really scary to me. I know how much happened between 1 and a half and 3 and a half, and I don't know what I'll do without having that time with DS2. I'm so mourning the loss of all of that time. For some reason the difference in my own mind between having him come home at almost 3 and having him come home AFTER he turns 3 is really big and really significant. I know I have to get over that, but right now it just feels a little too big and uncertain for me.

[sferrick]

I understand your concern, this wait is so difficult and all consuming. I took great comfort in my faith and the promises of God. And one of those was that he would "restore and replace the time". And although my daughter was 8 months when we picked her up, He is absolutely resotring that lost time and He will for you too, we are just required to speak it and believe it. praying for you, times of uncertainity is what makes us stronger. May you receive peace and joy during this time, Susie

[BobMiami]

Lisa, I have so much respect for those of you (us) who adopted slightly older children. Those who dive in even later, I hold in awe!

Look, without parents like you who are being adventurous and diving in to uneasy waters, these kids probably would not have forever homes.

My advice would be to just take each day at a time. Realize when your child comes home that he or she has his or her own life up and running and acknowledge and be sensitive to that. I am sure from reading your posts and "knowing" you that you are up for the challenge. Which is very real.

Please keep us advised as to how things are going, and please pm me or post when things are looking hard.
Bob

[robandjulie]

((hugs)) I think we all have some personal threshold of "if this isn't done by XX date, it'll be too late and too hard..." And then those dates come and go and we roll it out a little farther.

My only consolation for you is this:
When my DD was a newborn we struggled to get settled and once we did I thought "ok, I can do this. Right now I can do this. I have this under control". But if I thought of her as a 2 year old, I was overwhelmed. What would I do with a 2 year old all day? Then she was 2 and, as it turns out, still a baby in more ways than not and I could do it. But three? How would I handle three? Well, three is less than a month away, and so far so good. But 7? My word the idea of a seven year old scares me right now. I don't know what to do with a 7 year old. But I'm sure that once I have one, I'll know.

I know this is different, because growing into the stage is different than jumping in, and I know that's what you're worried about. Heck, I'm worried about it with Jorge who will most likely be 18 mos to 2 years at pickup which will hopefully be this fall. So I understand. But I also trust that both of us will make it work because as long as we parent with love, it always seems to work out. You can do this. And you'll know that again in a few days, I'm sure, becuase, yes, this too shall pass!

[cbmstephanie]

Lisa:
I know it's hard, but you are right...this too shall pass. The unexpected and unknown is always scarey and it's OK to acknowledge that you are scared of what might happen. It might be just what you need to do a bit more research on toddler adoptions or adjustment therapies. Just know that God knew what he was doing when he placed that little guy in your heart and he will not let you down. He has a plan and although we may not understand it now, someday we will. Don't worry about what you can't control. You can't control when he comes home, but he will come home and we will all rejoice when that happens!!

[LJR1974]

Just the fact that you're aware of potential problems shows you are smart and capable and will be able to handle them... maybe not alone, you may need help, but you can do this!

But I do understand how this bites. It totally bites.

(mom to Zack, who we thought would be home at 9mo-1yr, but instead was 20 months)

[foxey13]

Lisa -

I seem to be finding myself more active on the boards as the time keeps changing. I totally understand the fear and doubt, and my kiddo isn't even 1 yet. I have no words of wisdom, just my thoughts and support. I agree that because you are thinking about these things you are already a better mom.

Take each day at a time. Love on the one you have, dream of the one coming to you, and never lose sight that your son is coming home. I keep reminding myself that what's a few years when I'll have him the rest of his life. Yes we're missing milestones, but working with high schoolers I'm continually reminded that the entire life of a child/teen is full of milestones.

Hang in there, you can do this. And as a very dear person says to me "cry is good" it clears you out and helps you move forward.

take care,
s.

[kzwief]

I personally think it is so hard once you reach certain milestones and they are not home. With Kate it was her 1 year birthday last week. I guess I always had it in my head that she would be home at the very latest then. She's not. Not that we can't deal with the challenges that come with parenting children who are older. We just didn't have that mindset going into it.

Hang in there and keep the faith. He WILL come home!

[duckmom]

I appreciate this thread.
I keep moving my dates too. If she's home by such and such, then I can handle it. Those milestones have come and gone. And I'll admit, I am terrified of bring home a toddler. I guess I just have to take the time to wrap my mind around it.
Thanks for the wonderful posts everyone, it REALLY helps.

[kristibk]

When we started this process our little girl was 4 1/2. She will be 6 this July. We were hoping for a 4 or 5 year old (my husband refused to do any diaper changes or potty training again) and we will hopefully be bringing home a 6 year old. It is what it is. We love her and will take her at any age. Our 12 year is going crazy waiting for his little sister. We thought we would have had her home last year. Our son was looking forward to going to school with her as her older 6 grade brother. He is moving on to the middle school but it will be fine. We feel blessed and just can't wait to bring her home. I will make my third visit trip tomorrow...I keep telling myself it's an investment in the future of our family...to keep our connection strong with her. She is being told we are coming, but then she doesn't see us. It breaks my heart, but it will get better.
Chins up!!!

[sjay]

Lisa,
Our son was 3.5 years old when we picked him up from his foster mom. We were very concerned about the seperation. It actually went pretty well. Yes, I missed a lot of his "firsts" but when he got home we had his first english words, his first time seeing a dog, his first time on a tractor etc. I think the most frustrating part is his lack of english. If you want to PM me about other 3.5 years issues, please feel free
Sue

[DeeVee]

Lisa, thanks for starting this thread, and thanks everyone for your words of encouragement.

I have been thinking the same things as you the past few days. Jesse is 2 1/2 and I have the idea in my head "well, he'll be 3 in Dec. He just has to be home before then, right?" But what if he isn't? Getting to know a pre-schooler is sooo different than getting to know an infant; you aren't there as their personality develops. I'm reading all about adopting older children now -- books I didn't think I would need.

I know that God has a plan; if I weren't certain of that I don't know how I would get through this. And most days that's all I can hang on to.

I guess I haven't really been helpful. But please know that you aren't alone. (((hugs)))

[ceya]

Give yourself time to calm down. We have fought every step of the way to bring our precious daughter home.

We started out adopting two beautiful girls at the same time that were 10-1/2 months apart in age. It was not meant to be that they both come home at the same time. We have waited almost 7 years (in August), to bring our daughter home. We expected to bring her home when she was just over a year old! She will finally be home in a matter of weeks, and we are so excited! When I pray, I thank God every day that she will soon be home...she has been our daughter from day one!

So take a breath, relax and before you know it the time will pass and you will be able to put this all behind you.

[LisaLuka]

Thanks, everyone. I just want to be clear that while I'm worried about what I'm getting into, in no way am I questioning getting into it. He's my son in my heart, he's Evan's brother in his heart, and we'll work through whatever we have to work through. I've fought through a lot of things, and had a lot of wonderful surprises from things that seemed like they would be hard. I'm just running a little low on steam and a little high on worry lately.