[Dmitry'smom]

I have two really great children. One is my son Dmitry who for the last almost 8 years had been an only child. Dmitry was adopted from Russia when he was two, until then he was in an orphanage. In March we brought home our little girl Sophia. Dmitry is having some problems accepting Sophia with love. He worries about her and is not mean to her (ie knock her down or hurt her) but he is always nagging at her and acting like everything she does is just wrong. Now it is affecting our relationship also. He seems resentful towards me for showing attention to his sister and is starting to get the wrong kind of attention.

I should say Dmitry is a really good boy most of the time and he is not doing obvious things to either his parents or sister but he seem angry all the time. He pretty much stopped being loving to us and I found out today he lied to me about a field trip so I wouldn't go (and take his sister). Dmitry has had a really rough year, open heart surgery and all the fall out that came with it and then a new sister that everyone fawns over. I have tried to be patient but it seems to be getting worse.

We tried making one on one time EVERY night with Dmitry. One night it would be me and the next his dad but it was still not enough. He expects any time we spend with him his sister can not be there or it does not count. This has gotten worse all of the sudden since our trip this weekend. I feel like if I can foster a closer relationship with Dmitry and Sophia maybe it would ease everyone's relationship.

Any suggestions would be appriciated. Otherwise, thank you for just letting me vent even that has helped.

[kretzklan]

I don't know if my advice is helpful - but I can see that your children have quite an age difference (8 years unless I'm crazy). I grew up with that age difference between myself and my next sister. I can honestly say that in that situation, there was little that anyone could say or do for me that would have helped. I was expected to help with her alot which built my bad feelings. I felt as though I had gone from queen (and I was not spoiled in any way) to servant...even when I wasn't asked to help. I started spending a lot of time alone outside, so my parents thought I was playing and really I was just away from everyone making over her. I try to look back and think what could have made it better. I think that it could have been helped if my interaction with her was not forced. Like "please give your sister some toys to play with" - "please sit with your sister while I make dinner". I'm sure you aren't doing that to a large extent - but even a little can be trying to the older child, especially when there are bad feelings. I'm sure his adoption could play into it as well. Reinforce to him that he is always your baby and always your first and always going to be there. Try to tell him about what it will be like to grow up with her. When he is away at college, what will she be doing?
I really wasn't close to that sister until just recently.

I also see the other side as we have a bio that has struggled with our adoption. I think he feels the need to "teach them" about our family and that includes him thinking it's ok to be a "little mean" and tell them what to do and when to do it. He loves to tell them when they spoke wrong or walked wrong or laughed wrong or watched TV wrong - as you can see everything they do can be wrong in his eyes. Just the nagging like you said. We have had to make a rule that every time he bosses or nags, there is a consequence. We aren't making it about his siblings, but about the fact that you can't do that to anyone in life. It seems to have cut down a bit. But, I do know that although he won't ask for it (11 is a tough age to let parents know you need something - you want to be so big) - he needs us more now than ever. He regressed alot after the adoption. Almost wanting to sit on my lap and hold my hand alot - he was 9 and had been past that for a couple of years. But, even today, he'll sit right by me (man, he's getting big) and rub my leg or back and want to really cuddle. I try to make no big deal, because if I say "oh, you want to cuddle with mom" he'll bolt. I guess this isn't really advice at all - just a rambling mother!
Sorry this is so long!

[akasohappy]

Hi Hannah-
I know one thing I had to stop doing was saying...
"We can't do this because of Sissy (ex. go to the movies, or "I don't feel like having Luke over to spend the night because you guys might wake Sissy".
When Kate first came home there was just so much adjustment for all of us. One day he asked to do something and before I could answer he said "I know we can't go there because of Kate" and then he stormed off.
I knew then I had to change my tune.
I was used to taking off with Jay for the day and doing whatever we wanted. We would do things on a whim. It was nothing for us to go shopping, the park, lunch, movie all in one day. These crazy 8 hour marathon days. Poor Kate she was so sad when she came home and didn't sleep that well and it was hard for awhile to do the normal stuff and I realized that I had unconciously really changed our social life.
I also started making a huge deal about Jay when he was little.
If Kate did something cute we would celebrate her accomplishment and then I would tell Jay about the first time he did the same thing. Or tell him a funny story about himself when he was a toddler.
Or show him a picture of himself when he was little.
If someone tells us Kate is cute - I toldl him about all of the people who told us he was cute.
He actually told me he was a little jealous of the cute thing - I couldn't believe it!
I then started answering compliments for Kate with "yes, the Lord has blessed me with 2 beautiful children" and many times the conversation would then turn to Jay and what a wonderful big brother he was going to be, etc.
Jay was and IS a total mama's boy and it just took a little reminding him that he was my number one guy and even though we love Kate and she is little and cute we still love him just the same.
He made the comment one time that even though I TOLD him we did all of the same things with him he said he couldn't remember so it wasn't the same so
I did goofy stuff like letting him drink out of a bottle or sippy cup.
Rocking him in the chair. If I set her up with a pillow/blanket/stuffed animal I would do the same for him. Dmitry probably wouldn't go for this since he is a little older - Jay was only 7 when Kate came home.
I know this sounds kind of weird, but I also would refer to Kate as his baby sometimes. I swear it helped him bond with her and accept that she had needs. I don't even know how that started.
Time will help (she hasn't been home that long).
If you want to get the kids together let me know.
Jay and Dmitry could talk about being "dethroned"!
ha ha - just teasing!
Hopefully there will be a new LFC event soon.

Kate also started wanting to be with Jay as she got older and could play more and even started to strongly vocalize it when she started talking and that also helped strengthen their bond.

[Dmitry'smom]

Thanks, I think both posts helped. It was great to hear from someone who had been in Dmitry's situation and Someone who has been in mine.

I think I do a bit of what both of you said. Dmitry and I used to go when ever and where ever we wanted all day and called it a Date Day. I haven't done that since Sophia came home so maybe a Date Day would be a good thing.

It sounds terrible but I have been so worn out when Dmitry does ask about when he was young I actually have a hard time remembering stuff, of course I just have a hard time thinking when I am tired.

I guess what both of you have said is that i need to find a way to re-connect with Dmitry and if that makes him feel secure then they will bond and maybe two months is still just a short time.

Thanks for the advice!

[dovelu]

Some more ideas (Dominic (bio ds) was 9.5 when his sister came home, almost 11 when his other sister came home).

1. I make sure to discipline the girls if they are being rude/mean etc. Sounds obvious, but it is just as easy to say: "They can't help it-- they are litte."

2. Dominic has a protective lock on his door so that the girls can't wreck his stuff.

3. I rarely ask him to babysit -- only if I really need to use the bathroom, shower, etc.

4. Sunday night is family movie night for the "big people" (after the girls go to bed).

5. The babies' bedtime is 7:30. Dominic's is 9:30. DH or I spend lots of time with Dominic during this time (even if it's just homework chit-chat).

6. We still do mother-son "date" days & nights (probably once every other month). We'll get ice-cream or dinner, or mini-golf etc.

7. We often take 2 cars places (yes, despite the ridiculous gas prices) so that one of us can stay at a party later with ds if the babies are fussing.

8. DH & DS ski on Sundays in the winter.

9. I'll try to ask him for "advice" -- like ideas for potty-training, or sippy cups, etc.

10. I tell him all of the time how much the girls adore him (they do).

It has gone well, and ds has gone through lots of adjustment (all of us have). Believe it or not, as I type this, my 11 y.o. is in the sandbox with the 2 & 1 year old. Voluntarily.

Hang in there. It's tough stuff. I found that I missed the alone time with ds (and of course dh) tons and tons... but we've found ways to make it great, just in a new way.

Peace,
Amy

[TerriBB]

AJ was 4 when Flora arrived home. It was a rough few months, getting EVERYONE adjusted!

When he didn't get his way, he'd threaten wake up Flora I truthfully thought I was the worst parent ever! When we'd go to the Adoption Doctor with Flora, I'd end up asking a ton of questions about AJ!

1. We noted how much Flora adored him and I'd show him picture of the first few days, when she would just stare at him!
2. I remind AJ of the days when it was just us and then ask what he misses the most. (We'll go and eat ice cream for dinner...ride our bikes...cuddle/watch TV...)
3. Flora is talking a blue streak now and he's noting the funny things she says...so I remind him of the funny things that he said at that age.
4. I've never made him give his toys to her and if he wants to give her something, I remind him that he can loan it to her.
5. The first week home we let him feed her baby food with a spoon - it was messy, but they both LOVED it.

They elvolve into normal siblings...glad to see each other and living with full knowledge as how to push each other's buttons!!! (I can now tell by the scream from the other room...who what to whom!)

Good Luck!

[carlyincali]

I only have experience with a bio. child in this case. But I really think a lot depends on the child's personality.

My son was 8 when our daughter was born. He adored her. He actually begged me for a sibling for years, and he had finally got one. I remember him sending the neighbor kids home because they didn't want to include her in whatever they were playing.

On the other hand, our daughter (happens to be the one mentioned above,) was 8 when I had our son. She was very jealous of him and openly told me that. She said it was "his fault" for everything... She didn't like it because our other daughter, who is two years younger than her, adored the baby and doted on him constantly. She is very sweet but has always been on the selfish side (this is not something she learned--I know she was born this way.) I am constantly working on her to counteract this. I don't believe she holds any grudges now. But she did for a long time. She is now 11yo and is wonderful with the younger ones. She is very open with me and told me that Shay's coming (adopted,) wasn't nearly as bad as Sammy's (bio.)

Didn't mean to go on and on. Just wanted to make the point that all kids are different. Some are more self-centered than others. I have two extremes it seems. You just have to work harder with some.

[shelbydog]

Originally Posted by Dmitry'smom

We tried making one on one time EVERY night with Dmitry. One night it would be me and the next his dad but it was still not enough. He expects any time we spend with him his sister can not be there or it does not count.

I had posted on this topic before with advice and I hope it helps you. Our son took it very, very hard when Mia came home. I read a book called "Playful Parenting" and I was lucky enough to be part of a parenting forum where the author would visit and take questions. The chapter in his book about siblings also addressed this very thing.

Your statement above says it all. One night with you and one night with Dad is not enough at all. This author (psychologist also) explains that when a sibling is added to the mix, you need to fill child # 1's "cup" with love....from both parents, at the SAME time to ease the transition. Having his sister there does not count during this special time. Get a sitter or have a family member help, but take HIM out alone with BOTH of you. Do special things together. Uninterrupted time - not while his sister is napping - that doesn't count. But time for JUST him. Maybe even a weekend or an overnight if you can do it.

He explains that when your older child "acts out", his cup is "empty" and needs filling. You will feel and know when it is "full". I cannot begin to tell you how this helped me. I didn't realize that most of the time I spent with my son had "buts"...or "until" involved...."oh we can do that UNTIL Mia wakes up" doesn't cut it. He needed special time, just us.

Mia is now almost 3 and he is 6 and we still do lots of outings with just Evan - uninterrupted, take him to ball games - we use babysitters - we are blessed with wonderful ones. There are times we DON'T take Mia to his soccer practices. There are times we ONLY take him out to eat. (vice versa also by the way). It has really helped. Good luck - try not to get frustrated with him - his new sibling has rocked his world in a way (not a great phrase but you know what I mean!!) Fill his cup - it will get better!

[Gatos]

I have a 9 year old from Ukraine and adopted 2 from Guatemala recently, so we have similar situations. My advice: get a great child psychologist who specializes in adoption. It will make all the difference in the world. You should not be handling this on your own. It's too important and there are experts out there who will help you pave the way to a happy family.

[Dmitry'smom]

Thanks to everyone for the advice and suggestions. I am not sure why things seemed to go down hill after the trip. I had seen improvements since Sophia came home until now but it did seem to go backwards after the trip. We have sat down and talked with Dmitry about what we expect from him attitude wise and asked him what we could do that would mean the most to him and reassure him.

We do have special date days with Dmitry alone every other week (or so depending on his extra activites) We don't usually do mom and dad with Dmitry alone on these dates because Dmitry likes it to be just one or the other of us. What I meant about the alone time before was that EACH night we make sure he gets one on one attention from one of us (he likes us to take turns) I also want him to get used to having fun with Sophia around so we are trying to incorporate her into things he likes to do.

I have been doing like some of you said and when someone states how cute Sophia is I say something about how both my children are special/cute/smart and I have been telling Dmitry about things he did as a baby when Sophia does something similar.

I don't make Dmitry share some (most) of his toys with Sophia (just some old baby ones) but I was making him let her in his room some of the time, now I am letting him make that decision.

I have been trying to make sure that Dmitry is not having to babysit, but since I think family helps, he is helping with some of the chores instead and he seems fine with that.

It has only been a day or so but his attitude does seem better. He was never mean to her he just seemed off. He was kind of snippy to her today after he got home and once I brought it to his attention he stopped and just wanted to be alone. After he had some alone time and decompressed he was much nicer to Sophia.


Thanks to all of you for the great advice. I hope to keep seeing improvements!!