[JillnChris]

Okay, as if parenting weren't hard enough now I question everything I know because it might be attachment related!
Yesterday when I came home with dd she started to play in her room so I used that time to start making dinner and she was fine. Then a couple of minutes later she started throwing a tantrum. I kept asking her if she wanted to eat and told her "come here so you can eat", (this girl loves to eat mind you). She just kept on screaming. Basically I tried to ignore the screaming because I thought that would get her to realize that it was dinner time and she needed to come eat and that throwing a tantrum is not okay but she just kept on screaming. She threw herself on the floor and cried as loud as she could for about 10 mintues. I finally gave in and picked her up but she kept on screaming and crying for another 10 minutes while trying to push away from me. I held her and would not let her down because I know she would have just kept on screaming and I don't want her to cry by herself on the floor.
So I need some advice here because I didn't know what the best thing was to do in that situation. She has been home over 6 months now so should I still treat this as an attachment thing or just a normal toddler thing and let her cry it out by herself???
Please help, I just want to know what the right thing is to do.

[brandydawn]

My daughter started having tantrums about your daughter's age -15 months.

It was pretty normal behavior according to every parent (not just adopted) I had talked to.

I let her roll around and cry, turn red and sweat. I just ignored it....she realized it didn't do any good and stopped them.

I think it is pretty normal, mind you I am not an expert just a mom who has been there.

Regards,
Brandy

[jeck]

Something must be in the air! My DS (23m) has had tantrums the past 2 days. I ignored him while staying in the same room with him until he started calming himself down, then I picked him up and talked to him softly and held him for a while.

This seemed to work both times. I hope that he starts to realize that we can't talk during the tantrums and that he will learn to self calm quicker.

Who knows if this will keep working!

Good Luck!!!

[hesabananasdh]

DS#2, just turned 2 and embracing his 2-ness as of late. At his older brother's t-ball game last night he screamed on and off for about an hour, alternating between wanting and not wanting whatever we tried to give him to calm him down. After a while, we just had to let him work it out on his own. When the game ended and he got a popsicle as an honorary member of the team, he was fine. It might have been attention seeking, it might have been that he was hungry (older brother ate very little before the game (nerves) so DS#2 ate little, too), but it might have just been that he is 2. He has been home since Feb. 07, so it's definitely not attachment, but it's hard to say what exactly causes his outbursts. If he's determined to cry and scream, we just make sure he can lie down and do so in a safe environment.

Hope this helps.

[SKL]

I wouldn't worry about this being related to attachment, unless you have other attachment issues going on.

The right approach really depends on your individual child. Letting them cry it out may be the right solution but not in every situation. I'd say go with what you feel your child needs - whether it's a lesson, a distraction, or a moment of comfort.

Although I tend to be a pretty strict mama, I haven't found that letting my kids scream for extended periods helps, except in rare cases when disappointment builds into rage (in my older daughter). Normally they are crying for a particular reason, e.g., they want their beloved lovey out of the crib or whatever, and the most helpful action on my part is to help them express / get what they want (assuming it's not off-limits). Of course I always suggest that they try telling it to me in a more civilized way next time. I always model the nice way to ask for something when I give it to them, and this does seem to help over time. When I tried just letting them scream, they seemed to get the idea that screaming is what we do around here, and frankly I could not stand it beyond a point. (I am a bad mama.)

[kimy]

Yes -- this is a normal toddler thing... My bio son was the worlds worst I assure you... You did the right thing by ignoring it but DON'T give in no matter how long it last.. Trust me -- mine could go for an hour.
When she stops--go to her and say I'm glad your in a good mood now but don't mention the fit.. Find something postive to praise her ... The goal would be for her to finally realize that throwing a fit won't get your attention but good behavior will.
Good Luck and be patient ..It doesn't happen overnight.
kim

[LisaLuka]

This is different from some of the advice you're getting, but it really worked for me. I haven't read everyone's responses, so this may already be out there, but when I adopted DS1 he had anger and tantrums. In reality, with all adopted kids, it's sometimes tantrums and sometimes attachment--and you should usually treat it as both (meaning that the way you treat their tantrums does affect their attachment). Our social worker suggested adopting the "Holding Time" method...the book is called either "attachment in adoption" or "holding time."

The idea is basically the opposite of "time out." It's "time in." If you put a child in time out or leave the room, it sends the message that when your child is bad, you will send them "away" or leave them alone. Instead (and the books describe this better than I can), you hold them on your lap. You let them scream (the holding may make them mad), while you show and talk to them about how their behaviour makes you feel (in a calm way). Over time, they learn that their anger is okay and it's a safe thing to express their feelings. They learn it's okay to be out of control because you'll keep them safe. They also learn that you won't leave them just becuase they're bad.

It's tougher than it sounds, but it was SO worth it.

[JustBarbara]

DS is 26 months but I remember last year hearing about 'time in' from this forum and it actually worked for us. Now he will still try little outbursts of screaming - like a cah-caw if anyone watches Ellen! but higher pitch. I tend not to let DS cry it out but when cooking in the kitchen I can watch him through the top of the glass door to his room and I will rap on the window and tell him what I'm doing. Now that he is older he does take time-out well - two minutes only and will sit on the mat near the front door. He also puts his toys on time-out and will get right down into their face and tell them they have been 'naughty'... and then he brings them back out from time-out with a kiss and a hug, much like his mami does. I tend to be a little direct when we are going to eat - ie okay, Mami is going to have dinner, let's go and sit at the table no-nonsense, not a let's think about it but here's what we're doing and it works well for us. But, all children are different so what may work for some will not work for all. But I would suggest not changing tactics mid-way it will just confuse the little ones. For DS I see it as just toddler behavior since he came home at 5 1/2 months. Good luck!

[LJR1974]

I don't know if this is right or not, esp b/c our ds is newly home.

I've been staying in the same room, but ignoring the screaming. I just look away or go about other business. When he calms down I pick him up and treat him nicely. I hope he gets the message that I'm always there, but that good behavior is rewarded.

It seemed the more attention I gave the fit, the worse it got.

[arthymom]

This may not help, but I do time-ins or time-outs depending on the situation. (21 months, home since July '07)

If dd pushes, hits, or does something physical, I explain that she can't do whatever she did. If I'm holding her and she hits, I do let go and let her cry and say gently no hitting. I never leave the room but I won't pick her up. Eventually, she comes over , pats me somewhere, and says "nice mami" and calms down herself. This way, she regains control herself and learns also that hitting is not ok.

If she is frustrated and crying but doesn't physically act out, I always pick her up and do a time-in and try to explain situation to her by saying "sh" and explaining to her why she can't do whatever she was trying, etc...

[DDAmasa]

It would be abnormal if she weren't behaving this way.

Tantrums have to be ignored, as hard as that can be. Giving in is a huge mistake (which I've made more than once and regretted, it's just causes repeats of the behavior because it worked for them before). Try to distract her with something else, but if she insists on crying on the floor, let her. But don't give her the audience she is craving. Read a magazine or leave the room and let her cry.

[KJones5]

I have no advice as I have issues with tantrums too and haven't been able to effectively get them under control.

See to me, this is the hardest thing about being an adoptive parent. Always questioning yourself - is it attachment or is it typical behavior. I wish there was a clear answer but there isn't.

Hang in there!

[GuatMommy2Be]

My daughter goes through this.. but tantrums usually last a week and then she stops for a few wks, and then does it again.

Whenever she has a tantrum I put her on the couch for a timeout and she is not allowed off the couch until she stops crying. When I put her on the couch I just say in a very calm voice "Oh my, we do not behave this way" or "This is unacceptable behavior" .. When she is done on the couch we hug, and I tell her what she did wrong/why she was in timeout.

This works for us... My friends are astonished when I tell them she does not get off of the couch until she stops crying.

[jemmawag]

Ds just turned 3, he is the king of tantrums! He can go and go as long as someone knows he's doing it. No audience, no tantrum. I know he had them when he was younger because I would hear them on the phone even though fm would never admit it. He is an extremely emotional kid. You definately know what he is feeling at the moment. They let up at times, now we are creeping back up. Typically hunger and being tired are big triggers so we strive to be consisitent. Good luck.